“Look, I know she’s in there! I got this address directly from the director of C&R! Areum! Please come out!” Zen yelled as he was being pushed back by security.
“Sir, that complex number is vacant. No one is in living in there. Please leave or I will have to call the police,” the man at the front desk stated. If he continued to yell, Areum was sure that the whole apartment building would awaken.
“Do you think I’m a stalker or something?! I’m here to see my friend!” He looked as if he was going to punch the guards. Reckless as always.

“Hyun… It’s almost four in the morning, can you please keep it down…”
“Areum!”

Zen made his way past the security guards and Areum gave a bow to the workers, assuring them that she knew the strange man. He made a face at the workers, one that proved his stance in the situation was superior. She led him to the elevators and the two headed up towards the roof. The elevator ride was silent. Neither one knew the words to say. 

When the doors opened a swish of cold air hit their skin, causing a shiver down their spines.
“Ah, here! Take my jacket. Jeez, why did you come out with only a t-shirt on?!” He draped his leather jacket over her shoulders and admired how small she looked under it. 

She only stared at the dark sky above them. The stars were hidden behind clouds, but the city lights made up for it; anything was better than absolute darkness. It was uncomfortably quiet for the city, even at 4AM, there were usually people out and about. That day, it was deadly silent. 

“Why did you come here, Hyun?” She asked but she couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eyes. She took a deep breath and the suffocating smell of Black Angel embedded in that jacket filled her nose. If she looked up at him, she was afraid she would collapse inside of his warmth.

He couldn’t completely bring himself to look at her either. He felt guilty. He owed her too much. He knew that there was nothing he could say to change her thoughts about him. He couldn’t undo what had already happened in the past. Still, if there were anything he could do to make it up to her, he’d be willing to give his life. Even now, his stance still stands. 

“Sorry, this was a bit sudden wasn’t it?” He laughed at his own rashness. He knew it was late and they had an early schedule tomorrow but he had to see her. There were too many things running through his mind, too many unanswered questions. He needed answers.
“I just, I just wanted to know how you are doing… but seeing how you live in such a nice complex, with security too… I’m glad you’re doing well. After you left, I was afraid you’d never come back. I lost all traces of you, and that was the hardest thing for me… I just wanted to make sure you were okay,”

“Well, since you’ve seen how I live now, you can leave now, right? It’s late and we have to shoot in four hours there’s—“
“I’m not finished, Areum,” Zen winced as he leaned his bare arms over the metal railings. “Shi-- that's cold! There’s more we have to talk about…” it may have been dark that day but it was clear that the expressions on both their faces were those of pain. “We can’t just continue to run away from this subject… it’s been years now. I know I’m the one to blame and if there’s anything I could do to make it up to you, I’m willing to give my life to you, you know that right?” 

“I can give my life for you, Areum. You don’t have to continue acting so strong for me. I want to protect you from now on, can’t you at least let me do that?” Zen was on the ground of his basement room. He didn’t know when it started but, his face was already stained with tears. He could feel the wood floors beneath the cloth of his pajamas were frozen that night. A touch on her body, however, was worse than the frozen wood beneath him. It almost felt as if he were grabbing at the first fallen snow, delicate and cold. It almost burned for him to touch. He was also afraid; afraid that if he held too tightly, she'd melt away in his arms and disappear.
“Hyun, I think this is best for the both of us. We have different dreams. I don’t want to hold you back from yours and I also want to achieve mine,” Areum wiped the tears from his cheeks and smiled at him.
“But why do you have to go so far? Can’t you just stay here in Korea? You’re becoming an idol, right? Why do you have to go to Los Angeles to train? It doesn't make any sense!”
“It’s the company’s decision. I don’t have much of a say if I want to debut. I want to perform on stage as soon as possible and if this is the only way then I’ll do it. You can still contact me over sns. I’ll try to sneak onto it once in a while,” She tried to sound cheerful, but in reality she just wanted to get out of there. If she stayed any longer, she wouldn’t be able to pry herself from that room. She was hoping he’d just send her off and they’d both be on their ways, so why did he have to hold onto her like this? Her heart ached at the sight. Still, she knew she’d have to leave. Once she did, everyone would be happy, right? There'd be no debts, no sadness, no distractions-- nothing to hold him down from achieving his dream. The answer was clear to her, she had to leave. 

“I’m sorry you had to meet someone like me. I didn’t deserve you. You should have never been with someone like me in the first place. Then you wouldn’t have gone through something so traumatizing a-and…” he couldn’t finish his sentence. His fists were curled at the ends of her shirt. His head laid softly against her stomach as he stained her body with his tears. “I don’t want you to leave, but I’d feel guiltier if I held you back from your dreams. I can’t do that to you. I already owe everything to you…” He wrapped his arms around her waist and she his hair softy. No words were exchanged but they both knew what was going to happen next. They must have stood in that position for at least an hour before he brought himself to stand up. 

He held her face between his hands and traced every little detail with a kiss. He wanted to savor her tonight. He wanted to remember every little mark on her skin, he wanted to leave his last marks for her to remember. For he knew that after she left that night, she would no longer be his. 

“Please remember only the good times we spent together,” Hovering over her body, Zen placed a final kiss upon her lips before he sent her away. There was no roughness, no lust; it was a kiss that longed for her to stay-- it was a kiss that awaited her return. He watched as she got dressed and ran out of that room without even looking back. Had she been crying for him then, he didn’t even know. Still, that night, he believed that the snow falling outside were both their tears, stirring and whirling around until they fell silently on the ground. Eventually the sun will come out and the snow will melt for the both of them. Their happiness will come. It had to. 

In the morning, his hand subconsciously reached out for Areum, but he only grabbed a fistful of air. She was no longer by his side. It wasn’t a nightmare he had the night before. Even if they didn’t say it when they parted, they both knew that on that snowy night it was the end. It was the coldest he’s ever been. 

“Hyun, you no longer have to protect me. There’s no need to check up on me. You don’t have to see me anymore. You already have your cute MC by your side. It’d be bad if she knew you were here saying things like ‘I can give you my life!’ to another woman. Don’t make her sad…” She unknowingly glanced up at him while speaking and he took that chance to pull her in his embrace. Even when she pushed and protested for him to release her, he wouldn’t budge. He held her so tightly, she thought she’d lose consciousness. Still, it was warm in those arms. How long has it been since she’s felt such warmth? 

“I’m sorry… I know you’re probably uncomfortable with me. I know you probably hate me right now. The guilt of having hurt you in the past will never leave me so, please just accept my help. I promise I’ll only stay around you a little longer, then—“ 

“It hurts…” she mumbles into his chest. He finally notices that she was clawing for him to let go and released her from his clutch. “Sorry,” He watched over her to make sure she was fine but really, he was afraid that she would run again. If she ran now would he still chase after her?

She took in a big gasp of air and calmed herself down before speaking. 

“Hyun, I’ll make this clear right now,” she began. “I don’t blame you for anything. It was my choice to jump in front of you. I’m healed now and the wound only hurts occasionally when the weather changes. I’m fine. So please, please just leave me alone. Honestly, if you asked me now, I can't say I'd do the same as before. I don't know if i'd be able to jump in front of a bullet for you again. I've changed, Hyun. People change all the time. I've become selfish. So, if you continue to do things like this, I don’t know if I’ll—“ she stopped in her tracks. If I’ll what? She didn’t want to continue that sentence. He already had a new woman so what use would it be saying such things in front of this man. If she could run away now, she would have, but this production was far from over. There were going to many long days ahead. She knew she’d have to face him every day for the next few months and that terrified her. For now, she could only comply with his requests, as she knew that he wasn’t someone who’d give up easily. But just how much more could she take? Every little look, every interaction between them was slowly tearing down the wall she's built. 

“Look Hyun, it’s late. Why don’t you just stay over for the night since we have to go to the shoot together in the morning anyways?" She must have been crazy. "It’ll be quicker and more efficient that way. We have a couch but you can take over my bed since I have the solo room. I don’t want the other girls to wake up to a man on the couch. They'll freak. Please just let MC know what’s happening and explain to her clearly what’s going on. I don’t want her to misunderstand or have bad thoughts about me. I have enough antis already…" The look on her face said it all. She was suffering alone in her pain. How long has it been since she's had someone by her side?
"Say, do you have cigs on you?”
“I do but, I don’t want to give you one,” Zen was worried for her. He’d already left a scar on her body before. He didn’t want to bring harm to her body again.
“Fine, I haven’t smoked in years anyways. I just smelt the scent Black Angel on your jacket and it reminded me of the brothers. I guess out of instinct I began craving for one.”
“Oh! Speaking of the gang, you remember Haejung don’t you? He started a lamb skewer restaurant, let’s go together next time! I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you! I’ll ask the whole crew to meet up. Let’s all meet up after a shoot! His stuff is actually really good!”
Areum only gave a nod in answer.

A million thoughts ran through her head as she laid on the couch of her shared apartment complex. She was sure her manager would kill her in the morning but, that was the least of her problems. In those moments, she just wanted to fall asleep but her mind was running too wildly.

That night, she prayed that when the morning came, it would embrace her with its warmth. She awoke in cold sweat yelling the name of the man in the next room.