005

“I'm taking it, this leap of faith.  And that one step closer to you."  

Sooyoung stands frozen at Yoongi’s confession.  She feels her own heartbeat rising, but she’s also in disbelief that no words can escape at the moment.  She thinks that he maybe he is just joking, but the steady look in his eyes as they stare straight into hers tells her otherwise.  So she stares back at Yoongi like an idiot, half open.  

She must be dreaming so she pinches herself just to be sure.  Yoongi did not just say all those words to someone like her, but there he is standing right in front of her, his eyes not breaking contact with her, as if he’s afraid to break a spell.  She squeezes her own hands, feeling how sweaty they have become.  

And she finally finds the breath to speak like her body has had enough time to process the information that their feelings might be mutual.  Yet she cannot bring herself to tell him she feels the same.  The hope of having someone she could rely on, is too much for her.  Instead she runs away.

“I need time to process all of this.  Let’s talk about this later,” Sooyoung says quickly and again tries to escape from Yoongi.  She sees his face fall in disappointment but this time, Yoongi doesn’t stop her.

It takes everything in Sooyoung not to turn back at look back at him.  She has a million questions for him.  Why does he like someone like her?  When did this happen?  What’s so good about her?  What does he see in her?  

She didn’t even know why she was running away.  She had harbored a crush on him, hadn’t she? Wasn’t this what she had wanted? 

- - -

Sooyoung dreams of driving down a long road.  She has no destination but she feels no pressure, no stress and no burdens on her shoulders.  She feels free, the wind in her hair, the sun shining down on her face.  She takes it all in and a smile on her face.  She feels a stronger hand entwine around hers and she knows who it is without looking.

“Are you happy?”  The owner of the hand asks wistfully. 

“Yes.” And in her mind, the words, which did not escape , were ‘because you are here with me.’

Sooyoung wakes up to hear her father yelling for her to come down stairs to cook breakfast.  She scrambles around for a hair tie before yelling, “I’m coming!”  And rushes downstairs, her sleeves already pulled up, revealing a bruise she had received when she had clumsily bumped into shelf at work.  

Her father yells at her the moment she comes down.  “You lazy girl.  Hurry up and make some food.  Your mother and I are hungry.”

He doesn’t even see how worn down she looks after her nightshift.  He doesn’t even see or ask about her bruised arm.  

Is she happy here?

No, she isn’t.  She knows she isn’t.  That is plainly obvious. And she hates accepting the words her father always poisons her with.

“I’m not lazy.  I just finished a nightshift.”  She said before grabbing a pan to start cooking the eggs.

Her father raises an eyebrow.  “I’ve done so much for you.  It’s the least that you can do.  Stop being so ungrateful.”

“And what exactly have you done?”

She knows there’s no use speaking back, especially when her father gives a nastily look before warning her, “Speak like that again and I’ll make you pay for it.”

Usually Sooyoung would feel her heart crush being reminded how little her family cared for her, but Yoongi’s face appears into her mind at that exact moment.  And a flood of comfort envelops her when she realizes why she liked Yoongi.  And the words he said to her last night, replays in her head, over and over again.  

She likes him.  Why is she hesitating so much?  What is she so afraid to lose?  

It was easy, now that she thinks about it, to like Yoongi on her own.  But when that someone returns those feelings and you need to decide whether or not to let them in, that is where Sooyoung struggled.  Sooyoung always fears the worst because she knows what can happen.  Her distrust in her family was a prime example. 

By letting someone in means you giving yourself to someone that you might lose. 

- - -

Sooyoung waits for Yoongi in the park with anticipation.  This is the only place she knows that he may be, since this was where they had always met.  She feels like she can talk to him properly now.  And she knows she needs to apologize first for running away without answering him.  She wants to tell him why she had been reluctant to answer him.

But she doesn’t have a chance to.

Yoongi doesn’t come to the park.  Every spare moment that Sooyoung has off not working, she waits in the park, hoping to see him.

It’s been three weeks now and counting.  

Sooyoung doesn’t know why she’s even counting anymore.  And why she keeps turning her head when she sees someone who might be Yoongi.  Had she hurt Yoongi’s feelings and had he decided that she wasn’t worth it anymore?  She was worried.  But she has no way of contacting him.

And she realized how much she had depended on him.  She had been stupid.  Why did she open her heart when she knew it meant letting someone be able to hurt her from the inside?  Why was she such a fool?

“Have you missed me?” A low familiar voice casually says from above where she is sitting.

Sooyoung looks up and sees Yoongi.  He’s looking at her with the same gentle expression that night three weeks ago.  And the feelings she thought were useless suddenly swell inside her again at the sight of him.  She looks at him carefully and notices that Yoongi looks a bit more tired looking than usual, dark circles deeper, his cheeks sullen and his complexion even paler than before.  

She wants to hug him.  But first she wants to hit him.  She stands up from where she had been sitting and gets him a few hits to the chest. 

“Where the hell did you disappear to?” She asks angrily.

“So you have missed me.  Good to know.  How have you been?”  He replies calmly as he catches her hands so they can’t hit him anymore.

She doesn’t answer him and sits back down to draw.  Sooyoung hated how he acted like everything was the same.

She blurts out without thinking, “You disappeared without a word.  So I was angry.  But then I was worried about what might have happened to you.  Where did you disappear off to?”

“Some work popped up suddenly and I had to be out of Seoul for a while.  Sorry that I wasn’t able to tell you.  But judging by how angry you are… you must be at least a bit fond of me too.”

The tone is teasing; a small smile at the edge of his mouth and Sooyoung doesn’t like it.  Sooyoung was being serious and here Yoongi was, acting like nothing was wrong.

“You’re a strong person Sooyoung.  You don’t need someone like me.  I do like you.  But I probably shouldn’t have told you.  Since I’ve had some time to think about it, I realize it’s best if we stay as just friends.  I like us being friends.”

Sooyoung’s heart drops. “Why do you say that?”

“We can’t be together.  We are too different.”  Yoongi’s face looks conflicted and guilty as he tries to explain himself.

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