When the news broke to Jaebum, all he could do was stare into nothingness. He can still hear the voice of his cousin over the line along with the noises of the nurses and patients passing by him. They were all oblivious of Jaebum’s sudden predicament, all too busy minding their businesses. “I’ll be there tonight, Youngjae.” He finally replies after his cousin’s panic.

 

To think that it had been a while since the last time he talked to him, he really wasn’t expecting Youngjae to tell him that kind of news. It was probably his fault that he never considered thinking about it, but now he’s doomed down helpless. It wasn’t supposed to shock him that much, a lot of people die every hour, and him working in a hospital should be more aware and accepting of that fact. Though his job is to keep people alive, he knew down in his core, death is inevitable.

 

He’s a doctor; has been for nearly ten years now and it is his first time hearing about a family member’s death, at least first time ever since he came into the field. Youngjae just told him that their grandmother died, of old age, this morning. She turned 87 years old this year and he had been too busy to visit her and attend her previous birthdays for the past twenty years.

 

While trying his best not tear up in front of his colleagues, he was thinking about her and the place where he grew up. She was practically the one who raised him. As a baby, his mother had asked his grandmother to look after him because they were always busy with work.

 

He hates it, how he’s finally realizing how much he has been neglectful of her.

 

When Jaebum went back to Seoul twenty years ago, he wanted to forget everything in Busan, but she wasn't included. She didn’t deserve it. How could he be so heartless?

 

“Hey, Jaebum.” He hears Jackson, a colleague and a friend; also a doctor in the same hospital. “It’s okay, I mean, I’ll cover for you, don’t worry.” He continues as he rests an arm around Jaebum’s shoulder. The latter briefly nods and heads out of the room without looking at anyone at all.

 

It was almost two hours later when he finally arrives. He was surprised he was able to last that long driving without actually trying to die.

 

The house, it almost looked the same, and the tree on their front yard is still there but the swing is gone now. The house, it really looked almost the same except this time, there are people loitering around, talking to each other in a hushed voice.

 

All the things he has tried forgetting goes back before his eyes. His childhood, his grandfather, his grandmother, his friends, and the boy who asked him to leave Busan. He was hurt, but he had changed, though, when he arrived in Seoul, he didn’t even find it hard to move on. He was so far away and nothing reminded him of anything.

 

Almost hesitantly, he makes his way inside the house, no one seems to recognize or notice him. The inside of the house hasn’t changed as well, nothing much has changed, his photo is still hanged on the wall, his first baseball bat, his medals, and the series of other photos of him and his grandparents that are just hard to look at.

 

He looks briefly on his feet, then he feels a gentle hand on his arm. It’s Youngjae and the moment he realizes it’s him he pulled him and hugged him. All the tears he has been trying to hold back since the morning finally exploded, wetting his cousin’s shoulder. “Hyung,” Youngjae says weakly, his voice sore from crying; Jaebum could tell.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jaebum doesn’t know why but he felt compelled to utter those words. “I’m sorry.” Youngjae and he were the only grandchildren, but because Youngjae and his parents live in Ilsan, he somewhat became the favorite.  “Hush, hyung.” Though, during summer and Christmas breaks, Youngjae takes the spot.

 

They walked towards their grandmother’s casket at the center of the room. There was a photo of her placed on it. She was smiling and Jebum remembers it was the photo he took a year before he left. There were a lot of others that he had gotten developed but this one’s his favorite, he didn’t know she kept it.

 

Jaebum gently untangles himself from Youngjae as he kneels down in front of the casket, breaking down as he does so. He cries, loud and uncaring of his surrounding. He didn’t care that all eyes are on him, he just went on and on about how sorry, how regretful he was, and how she didn’t deserve the pain he has caused her.

 

She calls him, she always does, whenever she misses him. She tells him to ‘come and visit this old woman, I miss you so much, you know.’ where he’d reply, ‘Sure, I will, I’m just too busy with school right now’ until it became ‘There too many patients right now, but I will visit you for sure.’ She was always sad, telling him ‘Aigoo, hurry before this old woman dies.’ Too soon, it was too soon, or was it really?

 

It took him minutes before he calmed down, Youngjae is still by his side, his eyes are dry now, but he doesn’t look any better. They both look like a mess. Jaebum stands quickly to make his way to the comfort room, but on his way there, he sees a familiar person by the kitchen. The guy, taller than he was before, still with the same beautiful face, is handing drinks to the visitors.

 

It wasn’t long when the guy finally turns to him, he didn’t react at first, and probably only walked towards him because he has mistaken him for a visitor. That is until he abruptly stopped walking, now only a few feet away from him, his breath hitched and he eyes squinting slowly. “Jaebum?” He says, he still sounded the same.

 

Jaebum fixes himself a little, sniffing and brushing his hair nonchalantly. “Jinyoung.” He says, for the first time in twenty years, he said it again. It felt weird, almost. Now that Jinyoung is closer to him, he can finally see his face, his all too beautiful face, his face that he and his grandmother adored so much.

 

Jinyoung looks slightly different, though. His eyes, for example, they are different for sure, it didn’t twinkle as bright as it did before. The circles around them, they are deep and dark, it definitely didn’t look because he hadn’t been sleeping. And, why does Jinyoung squint and unsquint from time to time, he doesn’t remember him having a bad eyesight?

 

“Sorry, my eyesight had gone a little rusty.” Jinyoung says and before he could say something in return, the former’s attention was called by Youngjae. There are new visitors, Jaebum doesn’t even recognize half of it and somehow he’s glad that there were a lot of people who love his grandmother because she deserves it.

 

Jinyoung glances at him, giving him a small smile before making his way to the entrance of the house. He then greets the people, asking them if they need water or anything at all.

 

He finally makes his way to the comfort room. He grunts seeing how hideous he looks, but something catches his attention. It’s the toothbrush and the mug by the sink. It’s his, it's the toothbrush he bought along with Jinyoung when the younger insisted on buying couple stuff after they had become officially. A bitter smile appears on his face as he takes the toothbrush in his hand.

 

His grandma was quick to notice the change in their relationship because the next day she bought them couple mugs, telling that she knew it she saw it coming. She had always been accepting, loving, and understanding towards them. So before he breaks down again, he walks out of the comfort room to be with Youngjae again.

 

By twelve, the visitors in their house gradually decreased. It has gone quieter and Jaebum is just so tired. He had been awake for more than two days now, there were too many patients in the past few days.

 

“Jaebum?” He turns towards the voice and sees Jinyoung holding a warm cup of milk for him. He gladly accepts it and sips casually. He remembered complaining that it was too sweet for his liking, but he’d always finish it with a contented heart. “Thanks.” He replied, glancing at Jinyoung again.

 

“Sure, no problem.” Jinyoung adjusts his cardigan as he sits on the last step of the stair, looking up towards Jaebum to do the same. Jaebum did, he sits parallel to him, not too close, though. “How have you been?” Jinyoung talks again with a hint of tiredness in his voice. When they were younger, it was the cue for Jaebum to reach out to him with his arms wide open, but things between them aren't the same anymore, so, he stays on his spot, gripping the cup tighter.

 

“Fine, I guess I could say that. Been very busy.” Jaebum replies, taking a sip after. “So, you’re finally a doctor now?” Jinyoung looks at him with fondness in his eyes, like he’s recalling a distant memory, a pleasant memory. It is a statement more than a question. He’s saying it like he’s happy for him, like a part of him achieved it as well. “Yeah, finally.” Jaebum smiles as he huffs while Jinyoung placed his knees together, resting his chin above his crossed arms after.

 

“I haven’t seen you in twenty years...” Jaebum follows quickly, turning the ball to Jinyoung because he doesn’t want this to be about him. “How have you been?” The wind becomes colder and the swooshing sound of the leaves fills the silence.

 

“Well, I haven’t seen you either.” Jinyoung chuckles lightly. He wants to say “I’m fine, thank you, and you? But you know, it was never the same without you.” but he opted for “I’m okay, getting by, rather.” Getting by from what? Jaebum wanted to ask, but before he could do so, a tall guy riding a bicycle stops in front of them. Jinyoung carefully stands up, dusting his off as he makes his way behind the tall guy.

 

When the tall guy cycles closer to them, he sees his face and realizes who he is. “Yugeyom.” Yugyeom however, looks hesitant on greeting him. He remembers him as the adorable kid who always tells him to stop taking his brother away from him. Now, he looks nothing like a kid. He’s probably even taller than Jaebum now.

 

“Jaebum hyung, condolence.” Yugyeom is Jinyoung’s younger brother and he knows every single thing about his brother, including their nasty break up. “We’ll get going then, Jaebum. Goodnight.” Jinyoung interjects as he sits behind Yugyeom, circling his arms around his brother’s torso.

 

“Goodnight.” He replies unwillingly, he wants to talk to Jinyoung more. He wants to know more about how he has been in the past twenty years. A simple “I’m okay, getting by, rather.” wouldn’t suffice all those years. What is he doing for a living? What has he been up to since he went away? Did he cry when Jaebum suddenly went away? Did he really move on from Jaebum? Does he have someone by his side now? Or is he married? How is he really?

 

Jaebum sighs, watching Jinyoung and Yugyeom leave him. They seemed to be bickering at something, but they’re too far now for Jaebum to hear it clearly so he moves back inside the house.

 

Jaebum wakes up inside his room, the one he had used growing up. It felt nostalgic, nothing much has changed in his room either. He was even surprised because when he entered it for the first time again in two decades, it looked exactly how he left it. His books are still on the study table near the door, the Bart toy, the pencils and ball pens, the notebooks, the photo, they were still there like it hadn’t been twenty years.

 

He sighs, looking around, and then he looks back at the table, at the photo. He was fourteen in that photo and Jinyoung is thirteen. They are dressed in their school uniform, arms around each other with wide smiles on each face. He sighs again because it felt like everything happened yesterday and it’s funny because these are the things he intentionally left, and here they are, looking like they are waiting for him.

 

He sits up, finally, stretching a little, but not really leaving his bed yet. The burial was three days ago, it rained, but not that hard. It was gentle, like her grandmother, and he was so enthralled because, on their way to the cemetery, he saw a white butterfly flying with them. It was small, but it was beautiful, and he couldn’t take his eyes off it. Then, when they reached the cemetery, another white butterfly appeared and flew towards the first one.

 

It was his grandpa, picking up his grandma, he wants to believe that.

 

He goes to his cabinet and everything is still there. His uniform, his oversized shirts, his pants, everything. gingerly, he clutches to his chest. He thought he had cried enough last night, but here he is again, sitting on the floor beside his cabinet, hugging his knees close to his chest.

 

His grandmother kept everything the way it is, she didn’t even touch anything. Was it because she was waiting for Jaebum to come back home to her? Or was it because she was pretending that Jaebum was still there with her.

 

He hadn’t notice Youngjae coming into the room running towards him. “Hyung? What are you doing there?” He asks, pulling the older towards the bed and fortunately, Jaebum didn’t put up any fight, he just went along with him until he falls back asleep.

 

When he wakes up again, he is still feeling off, but better than earlier. After looking for his phone, he goes down to the kitchen, hungry because he had not eaten anything since lunch the day before. As he walks down the stairs, his phone rings, Jackson’s calling him.

 

“Hello? Jaebum?” Says the guy on the other line. “Hey.” Jaebum replies, noticing Youngjae is preparing something to eat. His parents and Youngjae’s are not around, so the house is eerily quiet apart from the clinking and clanking coming from the kitchen.

 

“How are you?” Jaebum looks around, trying to find an answer to Jackson’s question. “It’s okay if you can’t answer that yet.” Jackson follows up after not hearing anything from the other. “I just called to tell you that the management is giving you a time off. A month to be exact.” Jaebum’s still speechless, by now, Youngjae is seated opposite of him.

 

“Don’t worry, we got you all covered.”  Jaebum hums in reply. “Just, rest, take that time to rest, to clear your mind. You can always come back when you’re ready.” to this, Jaebum mumbles a quick ‘thank you’. He's somewhat glad that for the first time in twenty years he’s having a vacation there in Busan.

 

“How are you feeling, hyung?” Youngjae asks after patiently waiting for his cousin to finish talking over the phone. Jaebum sighs and takes his first bite before thinking of what to say to Youngjae. “I’m sad, regretful…” He replies, chewing the slightly burned egg. “Hyung.” Youngjae reaches his hand to Jaebum’s, squeezing it softly.

 

“I’m here for you.” He says, tugging the older’s hands. “I’m here for you, okay?” Jaebum couldn’t help but notice the younger’s words to him. Short and safe. Like, he himself is also on the verge of breaking down, and he’s barely keeping it all in.

 

“By the way, hyung,” Youngjae starts again, retreating his hand, but not in a negative way. “Since you’re gonna spend some time here, do you want me to keep you company?” The younger’s schedule is no better than him, he knows that for a fact, but unlike him, Youngjae always, always makes time for their grandmother.

 

“No, it’s okay, Youngjae-ah, I also want to have time for myself.” for a split second Youngjae looks half disappointed and half relieved. So, Jaebum smiles a little and says, “but you can always check on me.” with this, the younger finally smiled back at him, “Of course, I will and if I can’t, which is impossible, I can always ask Jinyoung hyung to do it. I mean if it’s okay with you.”

 

Hearing that name again, Jaebum suddenly springs up, sitting up straight and alive. “Jinyoung? When did you get to talk to him?” He almost forgot, of course, Youngjae always get to talk to him because he always visits their grandmother. And how could he ignore the fact that his grandmother is so so so fond of Jinyoung?

 

“The morning when grandma…” He trails off with his eyes automatically becoming glassy. He coughs, and then says, “while waiting, we had the chance to talk, he asked about you, you know.” Jaebum looks back at Youngjae but looks down immediately. “Really, what was it about?”

 

“He was asking when are you coming back. And you know, he always asks me that, though not directly. Like when I visit grandma and he’s already here, in the kitchen, preparing food. He’d ask me, how I’ve been and then he’d become quiet and then he’d ask about you.

 

"“How about Jaebum? How is he? Is he doing fine? I heard that he’s graduating soon?” and then, probably afraid that I’d notice that he’s dying to hear about you, he will shift it to grandma, “Will he take a break and visit your grandma? You know she’s always missing him. Maybe you could tell him to visit her once?” and other variations of that.”

 

Jaebum nods, listening intently as this is his first time hearing about this. Youngjae never said anything about this, but he remembers him talking him out about visiting their grandma. He just never thought Jinyoung would want to see him again.

 

“How is he?” Jaebum looks up to him. “How is he?” Youngjae takes a sip in his coffee, before creasing his forehead, probably thinking where to start. “Well, you really hadn’t heard anything about him in the past twenty years,” Youngjae says, looking straight into his eyes because he tried to let the older know about Jinyoung’s life but he would always get shut off. He’d either blatantly say “I don’t want to hear anything about him.” or leave him hanging.

 

“I guess, he’s okay. He’s now a teacher at the school where you went to in grade school.” This surprises Jaebum a little, “He’s a teacher?” Jaebum really couldn’t help but wonder because Jinyoung, like him, wanted to be a doctor. As kids, that was their dream. they both dreamed of becoming a doctor.  So it breaks his heart that Jinyoung didn’t become one, he wanted to be a doctor just as much as Jaebum wants.

 

 

Youngjae is back to Ilsan with his parents, his own are also back in Seoul, it had been a week after all. He had gradually stopped crying, but sometimes, when he sees something in his room or in hers, he'd fall on the floor, crying to himself.

 

He also has not heard anything from Jinyoung yet, when Youngjae left him yesterday he spent his time all to himself. It is when his mother called him, asking him to get his grandmother’s death certificate from the hospital that he finally went out of the house.

 

Driving in the familiar neighborhood isn’t any better than staying at the house. If the house is all about his grandma, outside is all about Jinyoung. The park not too far, the riverbank, the old bookstore the coffee shop, the school, all of them were places where he and Jinyoung used to have dates.

 

He sighs for the nth time of the day, he sighs again when he reached the hospital. He feels weird going to a hospital without work in mind.

 

While waiting for the papers, he strolls around the hospital. He was a strong kid when he was younger so he didn't really go there often. The only memorable time he remembers there was when his grandfather died.

 

As he is about to enter the elevator, he sees Jinyoung walking briskly with a knot on his forehead. He had an unreadable expression on his face and Yugyeom behind him is looking a little pissed.

 

“Jinyoung.” He calls him as he meets him halfway which startles Jinyoung. “Jaebum.” He replies, breathing raggedly. Jaebum glances at Yugyeom, giving him a quick nod before turning his attention back to Jinyoung.

 

“What are you doing here?” Jaebum asks while watching Yugyeom in his peripheral. If earlier he looks pissed, now he looks pretty worried, like something is troubling him and Jinyoung isn’t listening.

 

If Jaebum had paid more attention to Jinyoung, he would have seen how surprised he was to his question. “General check up.” He replied, lifting his hands in a dismissing manner. “No need to worry or anything.”

 

Jaebum stares at Jinyoung, but knowing the latter, he just nods at him. Then, Jaebum hears his name being called from the front desk and that’s Jinyoung’s cue to leave. He bids Jaebum a quick goodbye before storming off with  Yugyeom who seemed pissed off again.

 

It was a spur of the moment decision for Jaebum to drive himself to his grade school. It wasn’t far from his home, so he reached it easily, but he feels hesitant to make his way inside. He didn’t really inform Jinyoung about his sudden visit. He isn’t even sure if he’s there.

 

After talking himself out, Jaebum goes out of his car and towards the lobby of the school. He first met Jinyoung in this school, they were in grade one. He didn’t fall in love when he saw him. He was thin, shy, quiet, and aloof. However, Jaebum knew he was going to love him and a few years later, he did, he really really did.

 

He smiles at the memory because he’s almost forty now and here he is recalling what happened to him when he was in grade school. He walks deeper into the lobby, looking at the bulletin boards and the posts. There is a calendar of events and there is also the teacher of the month.

 

He smiled bigger when he saw Jinyoung’s face on it. Now that he thinks about it, it suddenly confused him if Jinyoung really had wanted to be a doctor or he was just trying to copy Jaebum so they could be together. It’s not like he’s trying to question Jinyoung, because he too, during that time, he had wanted to be with Jinyoung, always.

 

He almost missed it when he turns around, Jinyoung is clutching to the handrail of the stair with his other hand on his head. His eyes were closed and his forehead is creased, like the last time he saw him.

 

“Jinyoung!” He yells and runs towards Jinyoung who immediately clings to him. Jinyoung doesn’t respond to him, his eyes are still closed. So, he asks the kids who passed by for the direction of the clinic as he carries him in his arms.

 

As soon as they got there, the door opens, revealing a slim guy with red hair who quickly ushered them to the bed. Jaebum lays down Jinyoung his doctor-self kicking in. “Please get me a cup of water.” He says to the guy who obeys him wordlessly.

 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum says, this time holding Jinyoung to sit on the bed. “Hey, what’s wrong? Can you tell how you feel so I’d know what medicine to give you?” Jinyoung opens his eyes, his forehead creasing harder. He blinks profusely, then he closes his eyes again. He looks frustrated and nervous at the same time, so Jaebum shakes him softly, repeating his question.

 

“My head hurts.” Jinyoung replies softly, “My migraine, I guess.” To which he earns a scoff from the guy who hands Jaebum the water and tablet. Jaebum takes it and guides Jinyoung to drink the medicine.

 

“Look at you, Jinyoung.” Says the guy while walking towards his table, watching Jaebum massage either of the sides of Jinyoung’s head. “Are you really not going to do it?” This might have triggered Jinyoung because the latter suddenly opened his eyes, leaped out of the bed while yelling “Mark!” then, he almost falls on the floor if not from Jaebum’s quick reflexes.

 

It’s Jaebum's time to crease his forehead, Jinyoung looked like he wanted to hit the guy, Mark, but he was definitely not going to where he is. “Not going to do what?” he asks, looking towards Mark’s direction so he didn’t see Jinyoung shaking his head mouthing ‘no’.

 

Mark looks conflicted, Jaebum isn’t stupid to know that Mark definitely knows something, but obviously, he doesn’t want to say it. Not at least without Jinyoung’s consent who looks like he doesn’t want to let Jaebum know. Then, Jaebum becomes anxious. Of course, who is he to know whatever the hell is that, they are no longer dating anyway.

 

Right now, they are just, two people who had something in the past. Nothing more and nothing less. So, instead of prodding deeper, Jaebum stayed quiet until the medicine has finally taken effect then he offered to drive Jinyoung home. Jinyoung looked like he doesn’t want to, but when Mark told him that it would be better to go home, he just gave in.

 

“Jinyoung hyung!” Yugyeom yells, the veins on his neck appearing in red angry lines. They had been yelling at each other for nearly half an hour now. Yugyeom is crying, his face all too red from frustration. Jinyoung turns his body to him, his eyes not even looking at his direction. “Yugyeom, didn’t we talk about this already?” He says calmly, trying to prevent the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

 

To this, Yugyeom lets out a frustrated sigh, and says, “hyung, please stop being so stubborn!” Jinyoung shakes his head, the unshed tears finally crawling out of his eyes. “Don’t worry about me, Yugyeom. I’m okay, I’m not going to be b-”

 

“You’re okay!?” Yugyeom repeats, louder and angrier as he walks up to his brother. “Is that what you called okay!?” Jinyoung could only bite his lips.

 

“Hyung… You’re practically blind right now.” Yugyeom says in a hushed voice. They don’t say it, they just don’t. They don’t talk about Jinyoung going blind because Jinyoung doesn’t like it and he isn’t going to be blind, the what he says at least.

 

So Jinyoung tilts his head up, eyes moving but not seeing. “Yugyeom.” was the only thing he could say, because it’s true. Recently it had been happening frequently, it went from once a month to thrice until twice a week.

 

Sometimes his vision would just be very very blurry, like a camera extremely out of focus. Sometimes it isn’t that bad, he just had to squint so he could see clearer. And there are days, like today, that it’s all black. He sees nothing, nothing at all.

 

Yugyeom, after realizing what he had just said, goes to hug his brother. “I’m sorry.” He whispers as he kisses his brother’s head. “I’m just really really really worried about you, hyung.” Jinyoung nods, he wasn’t mad earlier, he was just frustrated.

 

“We can make a way for this, hyung. So please, undergo the operation.” Jinyoung shakes his head as soon as he heard it. “I can’t, Yugyeom. I can’t. We can’t, it’s too expensive-”

 

“Hyung!” Yugyeom places both of his hands on his brother’s face, he knows he can’t see him right now, but he knows he can feel it. “If it’s about the money, hyung, we can make a way.”

 

Jinyoung shakes his head again, it’s not that he doesn’t want to see anymore. He does, really, but he already feels that he robbed a lot from his brother. Spending a huge amount of money for him would not change that.

 

When he was younger he had what he wanted, Yugyeom was still young that time too, so he doesn’t realize it all. He was in high school when he first encountered having problems with his eyesight. He didn’t tell anyone about it, not even Jaebum. Mainly because he thought it wouldn’t cause him problems in the long run, like it was just a one-time or two-time thing.

 

But, it wasn’t the reason why he didn’t pursue studying medicine with Jaebum. It was their plan, even as kids, to become doctors some day. But one night, his father came home, eyes red from crying. He doesn’t look like he was in his right mind.

 

“I’m sorry.” He had said repeatedly to them, again and again. “I’m so sorry, I did whatever I can… But, but, but I’m sorry. I lost it, I lost everything we have! I did what I can! I’m sorry.” He said while crying, looking at everything but them.

 

That’s when he found out that the small business they have gone bankrupt. It was the bookstore, the only bookstore in town. It’s his father’s blood, sweat, and tears, and then almost suddenly, it’s gone.

 

His father that he was looking up to looked nothing like the man he was before. He lost the light in his eyes the moment he lost the bookstore. He stopped talking to them or to anyone. Like he locked himself in his own world and no one can penetrate. Though his father had been a great parent to them, in that moment, he wished his mother was still alive because he couldn’t handle seeing his father break down.

 

Drinking was never his father’s favorite thing to do. He didn’t like it, he used to tell them that it was too bitter. But then, since he had been a different person, he started drinking. He drinks but he doesn’t talk. He somehow always finds ways to have alcohol in his system with Jinyoung and Yugyeom barely full from their meal.

 

And then one day, after his father had spent out drinking outside the bookstore something happened. He was no longer intoxicated, ready to go home because he missed his sons for the first time since his life went downhill. When he stood up to walk, he saw flashing lights and a quick summary of his life before a car went flying to his direction. He was crushed towards the lamppost, his body nearly cut in half because of the impact.

 

Jinyoung didn’t believe what he heard, he couldn’t accept it. He felt devastated, he looked up to his father because he was a kind, loving, and dedicated man. And then, the same man before his eyes becomes nothing but a bloody lump of flesh without any trace of life. He’s suddenly gone, leaving him and Yugyeom to his grandparents.

 

It was probably with what was happening in his life that he started questioning everything, including Jaebum’s love for him and his for him. It was one humid afternoon during the start of the summer after their last year in high school. His father had died early that year and he already knew that he was going to have a bad year ahead.

 

He and Jaebum decided to hang out by the riverbank, it’s one of his favorite places in their town. However, for some reasons, he got irritated when Jaebum tried holding his hand. He flinched away and didn’t even bother explaining himself.

 

Out of the blue, he looked at him and said, “I don’t think I love you.” startling Jaebum who wasn’t ready to hear any of it. Not that time, not in that moment, not when he, too, needed love most. “Actually, I never did.” He said nonchalantly and he regretted it soon after.

 

He saw right in Jaebum’s eyes that everything finally crumbled down. The day Jinyoung’s father died, was also the day Jaebum's grandfather died. He was in the area when it happened. Before he left the house, he told Jaebum’s grandmother that he would try talking to Jinyoung’s father.

 

So, definitely, Jaebum wasn’t expecting to hear about his grandfather’s death. According to the people who saw it, his grandfather tried to help Jinyoung’s father. Albeit being old, he was a strong man but just when has finally gotten a hold of Jinyoung’s father, the car started moving again, rolling over the old man who was only there to help.

 

Jaebum had it bad, the old man, like his grandmother had been too much of an angel in his life. His death was crippled but he had to be strong for Jinyoung. Because unlike him, he lost his parent. So, he really had to be strong for him because, god, he swore to his heart that he loves Jinyoung.

 

“Don’t be like this, Jinyoung.” Jaebum tried to say calmly, but he’s shaking. Jinyoung, realizing that he had put himself into another pit of despair, avoided Jaebum’s eyes. “Jinyoung, look at me. Tell me you’re lying.” Jaebum said again, his hands reaching out to hold Jinyoung’s but the latter flinched away again, standing up in the process.

 

“Don’t touch me!” He wasn’t meant to say that. He really wasn’t, but it was too late. “Don’t ever go near me again! I hate you so go! Leave me alone! Go back to your parents and never show me yourself again!” With that, Jinyoung storms off not really acknowledging that he has broken Jaebum into million and trillion pieces.

 

He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that Jaebum, too, was broken. But at least, Jaebum's better than him, because Jaebum was trying his best to be strong for both of them and he did nothing but to break him more.

 

It happened too fast, because the next thing Jinyoung knew, Jaebum was already in Seoul. When he showed up at his grandparent’s house, his grandma was looking far; quiet and unmoving. She didn’t even move a muscle when she saw Jinyoung coming in. All she said was, “Maybe he’d be happier with his parents.”  and she broke down in front of him.

 

Jinyoung didn’t even get to say goodbye.

 

Jinyoung’s vision went back the morning after. Though it was still a little hazy and blurry, it is much better than yesterday. He gets up and goes to the kitchen to see that Yugyeom left him a note. Like always, he’s telling him not to forget to eat breakfast and lunch.

 

He sighs and sits down on one of the chairs. For so long, being the older, Jinyoung always looked after Yugyeom. When their father died, his grandparents were there to take care of them, but not long after they moved back to their own homes.

 

He took side jobs so he could support them. That’s why keeping Jaebum off his mind that time was easy because he had a lot of things to do. He can’t bother to waste a single minute crying his heart out when he could be working so he can provide food for his brother. However, ever since the condition of his eyes worsened, there had been changes between them.

 

Now it seems like Yugyeom is the hyung and he’s the dongsaeng. The dongsaeng who is stubborn, but also the dongsaeng who loves his brother dearly. His thoughts were then put on a halt when he hears someone knocking on the door. He glances at the wall clock above the door of his bedroom wondering who could it be at this time of the day.

 

“Hi, Jinyoung.” Jaebum said as soon as Jinyoung opened the door. Clad in a thick gray pullover with a basket hanging in his left hand. “Jaebum… What are you doing here?” he asks, not really opening the door enough for Jaebum to go in.

 

“I’m just checking on you, you were in a bad shape yesterday.” He says nervously before lifting the basket up, showing Jinyoung its contents. “And I brought you this.” So albeit, hesitant, Jinyoung welcomes Jaebum inside the house, leading him towards the kitchen because he needs to finish the food his brother made for him.

 

“So, how are you? Do you feel any better?” Jaebum asks, looking straight into Jinyoung’s eyes. Then he, hesitantly, reaches his hand towards Jinyoung’s head to check the latter’s temperature. Jinyoung, on the other hand, just keeps himself quiet, only nodding to give Jaebum an answer.

 

“Have you been experiencing migraines?” He asks again, retreating his hand back and settling it in front of him. Jinyoung briefly looks at him before nodding again. “Since when?” For some reasons, Jinyoung doesn’t want Jaebum to know. He had already made a fool of himself twenty years ago, he doesn’t want to sink lower than he already is.

 

So, keeps his head down, resuming to eat his food like he hadn’t heard Jaebum. The latter takes it as a cue; he sighs because Jinyoung really hasn’t changed. He doesn't want if he doesn't want. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I’m just worried about you.” He trails off, then, he coughs and continues, “and I’m a doctor, you know… I can help you.”

 

“You don’t have to rub it in- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.” He responds, heaving a deep breath before looking back to Jaebum. Fortunately, the older didn’t seem hurt. He looks like he was partly expecting it.

 

“I know.” Jaebum promised himself that he would not touch Jinyoung if unnecessary, but it’s just too hard to do when the latter looks at him like this. So, slowly; just enough to give Jinyoung a time to pull his hand away, after seeing that Jinyoung wants it as much as he does, Jaebum intertwines his fingers with the younger's.

 

Jinyoung sighs when he felt Jaebum’s skin on his. It has been so long since the last time they held hands, now all the atoms in his body is yearning to touch Jaebum. To be reunited, at last. When Jinyoung refused to move an inch, the atoms started to rebel against him and his eyes are suddenly watery.

 

“I missed you.” Jinyoung pulls his hand away, covering his mouth so he wouldn’t sound so loud, so needy, so sad. “I missed you.” He repeats, and on the third time, Jaebum finally stands and moves to his side.

 

“I missed you. I missed you so much Jaebum.” he looks up to Jaebum, reaching his hands to cup the older’s face to tell him directly that “I missed you so ing much, Jaebum.” Jaebum could only smile in response because even if he tells him that he missed him too, it wouldn’t just be enough.

 

Minutes later, when Jinyoung is done eating, they moved towards the small couch in the living room. Jaebum’s arm circled securely around Jinyoung’s torso with the latter’s head planted on the former’s neck.

 

It’s nostalgic, being in the same position, in the same house, with the same person. Jinyoung was such clingy person when they were younger. He was always wanting to be near Jaebum, touch him, hold hands with him, or just be in the same space as him.

 

“Do you want to go around the town tomorrow?” Jaebum pulls Jinyoung closer to him as he talks. “Hmmm.” Jinyoung shuffles closer, all too comfortable because it felt somehow he’s back to where he belongs, Jaebum’s arms. “Since it’s Sunday tomorrow, maybe you can join me?” Jaebum feels a slight nod which makes him sigh and smile after.

 

Jinyoung’s  light snoring and breathing pattern lull Jaebum to sleep as well. For the first time in years, he feels a certain contentment, a certain happiness radiating from his heart. When he wakes up later, Jinyoung is still fast asleep in his arms, his hands on his chest, just above his heart.

 

He brushes the fringes off Jinyoung’s forehead so he could see his face clearer. Jinyoung, he’s still the same old Jinyoung only a little different now. He always had wrinkles when they were younger, especially when he smiles, but now it’s more evident. His eyes are deeper, the corner of his lips more downturned, and he looks older.

 

Jaebum felt like he just closed his eyes and the moment he opened them again, Jinyoung’s older, older than he actually is. His hands, they were still as beautiful as they were before, but they’re more calloused now like there wasn’t a day they didn’t work. Slowly, he took it to his, carding each finger, squeezing it lightly.

 

When Jinyoung stirs, Jaebum mumbles “It’s okay, it’s okay.” to the former’s head while rubbing his back. Jinyoung falls back to sleep quickly. When he's certain Jinyoung is fast asleep again, Jaebum drops a gentle kiss on his forehead, telling him again that it’s okay, everything’s okay.

At least in that moment, everything is.