Memory Two

Five days later Jackson still hasn't visit him again, from what was a little anticipation become a thick hopefulness for Jaebum. Every time the door opens he found himself hoping it would be Jackson who's coming, but it was never him. Everyone can see the disappointment in Jaebum's eyes, it was so apparent yet no one dares to say anything about it, only Youngjae who sometimes smiled somewhat apologetically.

"Oh, it's snowing," the tender voice of his fiancee said, eyes slightly big and bright with excitement.

Jaebum turned to look at the window, feeling a bit bothered before the sight of snows falling outside his hospital room enchanted him. He remembers something, wide eyes full of glee, loud sweet laughter, cold hands and trembling bodies yet his heart feels warm from the shared exciting moments with that certain someone. He couldn't put a face to that someone, strangely the physical memories are so attached to his brain he could feel it so clearly rather than hearing or seeing it. He could feel the laughter, the smile and the bright eyes, but nothing visual could come up in his mind.

"Do you remember, when we went for a walk in the winter?" he asked eyes still trained on the falling snows outside.

"Which one?" she smiled.

"The one where you slipped and you fell into a pond? Unfortunately it's not frozen enough but fortunately the water only to your thighs," Jaebum softly laughed to the memories. "You remember what you did after that?"

It took a moment of silence and Jaebum finally turning his head to face her, she was smiling brightly yet he found it unreadable as if there's a mask on her face. "No honey, I don't remember, I'm sorry."

Jaebum isn't disappointed, somewhere in his heart he realized he had expected it. Because the smile in his memories feels much brighter than hers, much sweeter and warmer than her. The laughter and wild giggles doesn't seem to fit her, and this brought questions in his mind. Who was it the one in his memories? Was he cheating on his fiancee?

Then he looked again to her, taking in her beautiful face and suddenly guilt rising in his heart. Although he don't feel any connection with her or whatsoever, he still feels a bit guilty, yet at the same time a stain of betrayal and anger twirling in his gut. And for so many times, he hoped again and again that Youngjae would tell him anything that he knows. Because it seems, his heart knows better than himself.

When the sun setting and visiting hours came to end, his fiancee went home and Youngjae will still be the one who's accompanying him at night. His little brother is knowing and understanding when Jaebum said he want to take a walk. Quietly he's following behind, making sure his brother not cold and not asking anything.

"Will you ever tell me?"

"Not my place to say it, hyung," Youngjae sighed, lowering his eyes as if he wanted to let it all out but he can't.

"Who decided that?" Jaebum halted and turns around, squaring on Youngjae. But the younger keep quiet and his body still, eyes not meeting Jaebum, hard on his ground. Jaebum shakes his head, frustrated but at least the cold air numbing his mind and so he walk to the benches near the hospital's little garden.

When he sit down he noticed Youngjae not following and is standing a few meters away, phone to his ear and talking in hush. Jaebum is curious, but was too angry to really care, so he stays seated and throw his head back to savors the cold air. Memories starting to fill the void of thoughts, some with visual memories some just memories he could feel and vaguely remembers.

There was a certain memory where he can feel warmth, soft and supple skin to his touch, smiles met in the middle and soft giggles echoing, round eyes staring at him full of affection and gentleness. Sometimes laughter heard between soft whispers, funny, gentle and so close to his heart. Yet he couldn't see the face still. He tries to place his fiancee's face to the memories, but the gap was too big, it doesn't fit like a puzzle too small to complete a big picture.

Is there really someone else or is it only his brain functioning wrongly, giving a misplaced senses and memories? There was no guilt in his blurry memories, he can only feel happiness and comfort with that certain someone, no secret, no hesitation. But is it really true? Or is it only a manifestation of his brain trying to fill the gap in his memories?

"You're not cold?"

Jaebum jolted and staring wide eyed to the deep voice, heart leaping even more after the shock that the person talking to him is the one he's been hoping to see again. Jackson is standing there, smiling at him with both hands stuffed to the pocket of his jacket, nose and cheeks red from the cold.

His brain freeze for a moment for reason other than the cold air surrounding them, but the emotions b inside at the sight of Jackson, there in winter with thick jacket and expression far too familiar, stirring his heart more and more. He knew this. But then he realized he hadn't reply Jackson yet, so in reflex he's standing up to greet but Jackson already place a hand on his shoulder to keep him down.

"Hey, hey sit down. No need to get up, I'm about to sit anyway," he chuckled and sit beside Jaebum, heaving a sigh before facing him again. "So, what's a patient doing walking around outside when it's winter? At night even."

"I just want to take a breather, it feels stuffed there," he points to the hospital building with his chin. "Why are you here?"

"Who was it that wanted me to visit him?" Jackson asked wittily with wide eyes and laughing softly.

"Visiting hours ended already."

"Well, I'm not visiting your room, so I guess the rule doesn't apply to me. Beside, you're the one who shouldn't be here, naughty, naughty," he teased and his laughter pitched higher than Jaebum ever heard. "But seriously, aren't you cold?"

"The jacket doing it's work," Jaebum shrugged, but a grin plastered on his face and seems to refuse to leave.

"You know what works better?" Jackson smirked, eyes a bit challenging yet also sharp to see any signs of negativity from Jaebum's reaction. When he see none of it, he continued, "skin."

It was heavily implicated, but rather than a flirt it feels more like an easy joke between close friends and Jaebum let out a burst of laughter from his mouth, excited and at ease although Jackson supposed to feel like a stranger to the new him with memory lost. But Jackson never felt like one, he always feel so familiar and smells like nostalgia and Jaebum just fell into it blindly without question.

"That's true! Why are you laughing?" Jackson laughed louder than him, looking like a child and somehow Jaebum feels he missed this. How strange it is.

"What? You're suggesting us hugging or something?" he sneers.

"I'm just stating a fact, what? Don't tell me you don't believe it? It's true, you have to try it!" Jackson said with exaggerated gasp and shaking his head in mock disbelief.

Jaebum coughed out a laugh, unable to stop the excitement whenever Jackson did or say something, "fine, whatever, do what you want."

"You sure? I'm a hugger and I will hug you tightly," he bit his lower lips, eyes bright with anticipation.

"Jackson," he rolls his eyes still with a persistent smile on his lips before suddenly he's enveloped tightly with strong and warm arms. Jaebum really couldn't help the bubbling giggles which escaping his mouth in that moment. How strange that this feels comfortable and not violating his personal space, Jaebum supposed to feel wary towards Jackson, but he didn't. Not at all.

"I missed this," Jackson said over a deep sigh, leaning closer to Jaebum and he likewise subconsciously leaning towards Jackson.

"Oh? Did we do this often before?" he couldn't hide the curious, surprised and amused tone in his voice.

"Yeah, we did. When I want to cuddle and you cuddle me back. When I'm feeling down and without me saying anything or you asking, you hugs me to cheer me up. Then... Sometimes you will keep to yourself, needing alone time and I understand, but there's times when I felt uneasy and not confident because you weren't talking to me, then you always listen, trying to soothe me even when you need your space.

"Sometimes it was me who pulled you out from your dark thoughts, when you got too deep and getting out become so hard and I'll try to rise you up. There's also times when we both found each other talking, sharing thoughts and fear and we found the middle ground. I'm a happy person but you know how I tried to be bright to hide my shadows, then you hug me just to keep me from falling. And I makes you laugh to keep you from over thinking and overestimating yourself," Jackson says slowly, louder than a whisper yet low like a lullaby, arms tight on Jaebum's body as they share more than their warmth.

It was a lot too process and at the same time it feels like hearing a stranger's life yet also familiar at some parts. "That's deep..." Jaebum could only says.

Jackson chuckled but not saying anything else, savoring their embrace instead.

"When I'm not there, who did you cuddle with then?" it was a spontaneous question and Jaebum had meant it to stay in his head rather than voicing it.

Jackson didn't answer right away, "I cuddle with everyone else. I'm fine."

"Ah," Jaebum nodded, reminded that Jackson is a touchy and affectionate person, it's not a surprise but the clenching of his heart tells him so.

"Your reaction when I cuddle someone else in front of you is so funny though," he whispered before a soft laugh, eyes staring into the distance as if lost in reminiscing.

"How's my reaction?"

Probably what Jackson said wasn't meant to be heard because as Jaebum questioned it, the arms around him slightly tensed and Jackson inhales deep and sharp before smiling widely, "just that, not important."

"I'm curious though," Jaebum frowning a bit, feeling something is off.

"It's the past, what matters now is the present."

Jaebum is confused at the sudden shift of the mood around them, but his curiosity won the fight over boundary, "but the past made the present me, without it it's the same as losing a part of myself. What you told me feels so foreign, like it's me but also not me. I never knew I could be a cuddler, that's totally new. There must be something deep between us for me to do that, to let you see and pull me out of my weaknesses and for me to do the same for you. And I want to know what was it."

"We were friends, best friends because we're the same but also the opposite. And sometimes... Sometimes it's better to forget," Jackson said and for the first time Jaebum see a serious face on him, such a strange feeling and suddenly fear alight in his chest.

"What to forget? Why?"

"If I tell you to let it go, will you?"

Jaebum's eyes went a bit wider, focusing on Jackson's and the emotions b between them, the sudden tension burdening them. And although Jaebum didn't understand at all what Jackson's is saying and what is happening right now, he found himself answering, "no, I won't."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know and I want to know. Because right now I'm scared, somehow you feels so faraway and you seems to be leaving and I'm scared. It feels like you're trying to erase yourself from me and I don't want that," Jaebum breathed deeply, feeling his throat constricting due to the floods of emotions.

"You don't know me, I'm just a stranger to you, why would you feel like that towards me?" he asked and Jaebum couldn't look away from the sheer intensity in Jackson's eyes, the emotions almost choking him.

"You're never a stranger to me. You always feels familiar to me, like the nostalgic scent of an old album, so close to the touch but all the same a distant feeling. I know you are someone important to me from the first time we met, I just couldn't placed it where."

Jackson fell silent, his lips pressed into a thin line and his eyes seems to reflects lights more than it was usually, but the depths is dark and sorrowful.

"What are you hiding Jackson?" he asked, voice latched with sadness and surrender.

"My fear and what if, hyung. I've been thinking a lot of 'what if' and I'm afraid to ruin it again," he sniffed although strength growing in his eyes and the wavering slowly put to stop. "I don't want to ruin it again," he repeated like he's telling himself rather than a statement.

Jaebum didn't react when cold hands caressing his cheeks and Jackson connecting their foreheads, breaths mingles in between bridging the gap. They both closing their eyes to feel the connection, thick in the air but also one step a way from slipping.

"Tell me Jackson," he whispered almost like a plea, almost like a prayer.

"Let time answer it hyung," Jackson whispered back, tone tight and pained.

Jaebum mildly registers Jackson calling him 'hyung' when he didn't before, wondering why but what they have right now is much more important and heavier.

"Are you leaving me?" Jaebum asked, placing a tight hand on Jackson's shoulder as if it could stop him from going away.

But Jackson smiled, a bit sadly but also assuring, "I'm never leaving, I'm just waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"If this is really the best way or not," he answered and letting go, trying not to think of how hard all of this and just look at the promise of future. Jackson's eyes straight into similarly dark brown orbs, staring back at the same intensity yet different determination. "Good bye Jaebum," he kissed Jaebum's cold cheek and turned around, walking away without glancing back.

And Jaebum watching every step that took him away, carving the scene deep in his memory. Noticing how Jackson called him by his name again rather than 'hyung', then belatedly came to realized how Youngjae have been sitting not too far yet not too close from where he's sitting, eyes looking anywhere but where Jaebum is.

Youngjae is always there when Jackson came to see him, like guarding or making sure of something. What is it? He knows that whatever it is, it's connected to Jackson and he's going to find out.