As we go through life we gradually discover who we are, but the more we discover, the more we lose ourselves.

  Being friends with Baekhyun again was weird. The transition from exes to friends again was more than odd, to say the least. The nagging feeling inside me hasn’t left from the moment I agreed to be friends with him again and I couldn’t shake it away no matter how hard I tried to.

  I haven’t told Yixing about it because I was scared that he’d blow his top off once he learns of this, but that’s not the only fear I have. Truthfully, the thought of Yixing even being disappointed in me terrified me to no end. He was the only one who was there for me at my lowest and highest points in life that the mere thought of having to see his disappointment frightened me. I guess that fear stems from the time Baekhyun left me. That period was the darkest time in life for me and I never ever want to go back.

  In a way, I owed Yixing one. He helped me to my feet and made me feel warmth again in life. I could never forget that one radiant smile he flashed me the first time we ever crossed paths, the smile that led our friendship. Thinking back, it was strange how nothing romantic ever happened between Yixing and I. Our common friends back then used to believe and bet that we would end up dating somehow, but I’m pretty sure I’m not Yixing’s ideal type of girl, all his past girlfriends were classy and elegant girls. However, his last girlfriend made me realise you really can’t judge a book by its cover. Sure, Yixing and I are best friends, but I never really saw any prospect of a romantic relationship between the two of us. It was like saying Baekhyun and I would end up dating again which is, basically, impossible. Or so I thought.

  “Ae Jin!” Yixing’s soft voice cut my daydreaming off and I was brought back to reality. My hand came up to swat his hand away when he snapped his fingers in front of my face. I frowned as I tried to suppress my nerves. I was going to do it, I was going to tell Yixing the truth.

  “So, is our ice cream date later still on?” Yixing quizzically asked while he bit down on his lower lip. I reached over and poked his dimple before bobbing my head up and down in response to his question.

  “Yixing, I have to tell you something-“ I was about to confess to the things that took place earlier this week between Baekhyun and I when the very person I last wanted to see appeared.

  “Hello, Ae Jin, ready to walk to class together?” He said in a cheerful tone as he flashed me a small smile.

  “Oh, hello to you too Yixing,” he said curtly.

  Yixing’s brows furrowed and he inhaled sharply. Uh oh.

  “What’s going on Ae Jin? Is this some sort of prank?” Yixing leaned forward and whispered in a voice so deadly quiet that I flinched inwardly. Anxiety bubbled in my stomach and threatened to overtake my entire body. Before I could explain myself, Baekhyun beat me to it.

  “Oh, Ae Jin hasn’t told you yet? We’re back together,” He deadpanned. My eyes widened as wide as saucers and I choked on air. I waved both my hands hurriedly in front of me.

  “No no no! It’s not like that! We’re not back together as a couple, what Baekhyun meant was we’re back to being friends again.” My voice is weak and apologetic.

  When I looked at Yixing, the muscles in my belly clenched unpleasantly. His eyes searched mine for answers to the million questions I was sure had formed during the past few minutes. Above all, those dark orbs reflected the one thing I never wanted to see in them, disappointment. I tore my eyes away from his and stared blindly down at my knotted fingers.

  I inwardly chided myself for being so stupid in not being honest with Yixing earlier.

  “Ae Jin, what are you waiting for? We’re going to be late for our Psychology class” Baekhyun called out to me. I willed myself not to cry as I felt the burning sensation behind my eyelids. I wordlessly took my bag and stood up, still not daring to look at Yixing for fear of what I’d see.

  “I’ll see you later for our ice cream date?” My voice was full of hope. Please don’t be disappointed, Yixing. I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. With that, Baekhyun and I proceeded to head to class together.

  Yixing’s reply never came.

♡♡♡

  As I trudged to class, Baekhyun’s nudge startled me.

  “Hey, Ae Jin, are you okay? Don’t worry about it, okay, Yixing will be fine.” His voice always had that soothing effect on me.

  “I hope so,” I murmured distractedly. I couldn’t forget that shattered look on Yixing’s face and in his eyes.

  “Do you think I’ll lose him?” The question spilt from my lips before I could even stop myself. I don’t know why I chose to ask Baekhyun this question out of all. Maybe I needed reassurance. Reassurance that Yixing won't leave me, just like how the man standing in front of me once did.

  Baekhyun put his hands on my shoulder and turned me to face him, his touch sent jolts of electricity down my spine.

  “Listen to me, Ae Jin,” he said without a trace of humour in his smile. I looked at him, and he held my gaze steadily, impassive, “things will be just fine. I believe Yixing isn’t an unreasonable person, just explain yourself and I’m sure Yixing will listen.” Why did Baekhyun have such an unnerving effect on me even after all these years? Perhaps I will never get used to the way he looks at me.

  I could only nod wordlessly at what he said. Before we entered the class, something overcame me that led me to say my next words.

  “Thank you, Baekhyun. You know me, I was always one to worry excessively over trivial matters. But you were always there to keep me afloat so that I wouldn’t sink, you know? I don’t think you know how much that mattered to me back then, that despite my overwhelming number of flaws, someone was willing to be there for me and stick by me regardless of what happens without complaint,” I inhaled deeply before I continued, “for that, I really am thankful. I admit, I was bitter and even more so when you came back, but now, I think I really want to let go of the past. What happened can’t be undone but what matters is the present. I’m tired of dwelling over the what if’s because I genuinely want to be happy. So, thank you, Byun Baekhyun, for being my friend back then in the past and for being my friend now in the present.”

  I let out a sigh of relief as I released all the words that were held captive in my heart. Baekhyun looked at me with an indecipherable gaze for a moment before giving me a smile that touched his eyes.

  “Thank you, Ae