Hajin wasn’t sure how they had ended up at his apartment. She looked out at the clear city skyline from the floor to ceiling windows that made the people walking on the streets look like ants. Little ants that seemed to be having a jolly old time and enjoying the spring weather. She was still in a daze and if it weren’t for the fact that she had never let go of his hand, she would think that was all a cruel dream. She had watched as he took care of Seol and tended to her every need, taking care of her life a pro. She referred to him as “daddy” and he looked at her like she was the most magical thing in the world. He was so good with her, making her dinner, helping her get ready for bed and tucking her in. He read her stories until she fell asleep, all with one hand, might she add. Seol didn't mind the strange woman who had been holding her father’s hand the whole night, she just patted Hajin on the head and told her to be happy before falling asleep. 

She always knew he would be a great father and she had always imagined him showering their kids with love. Even when she was pregnant she imagined him by her side, an excited new father. He would’ve done everything in his power to give their children happy lives, free of any pain and suffering so they would never have to have a childhood like this.  

“Are you married?” Hajin asked, finally mustering up the courage to ask a question she wasn’t sure she wanted an answer to. 

“No.” So laughs, his face contorting with laughter. 

“Where’s her mother.. why did you name her Seol?” Hajin asks cautiously.

“Her mother.. she died. Seol was Moo’s daughter. Hyung and his wife died in a car accident and I adopted her then. But she’s my daughter…she’s our Seol. She’s our daughter. I don’t know how it happened but it’s the Seol that I watched grow up. She looks just like her and acts like her.” 

Hajin nodded. She didn’t understand the logistics either, she had never understood them but somehow things just happened and she could do nothing but accept them. She was relieved to know that he wasn’t married and that somehow, Seol was here. This was her Seol. She knew it had been the daughter that she had loved with all of her heart, the one who she had spent too little time with, she could feel it. 

“How did you get here? How did you find me?” Hajin asked, still perplexed. 

“I lived two other lives before I lived this one. I died as Gwangong and when I woke up I was a Joseon era scholar in my first life and a revolutionary fighter in my second one. I don’t know how, but each time, I remembered all my memories. In my first life, I found Baekah again, or at least someone in Baekah’s body who was just like him but didn’t remember anything. And then in the next one I found Jimong and now in this life, I finally found you. A couple of days ago, I was having dinner Jimong and he strongly hinted that I should be at the university at that time and I just knew that you would be there.” 

“You’ve known that Jimong was here the whole time? So I’ve been right under your nose for the past two years? Who else is here?”

“Everybody. I found everybody and you were the last one.” 

Hajin mulled over things for while, thinking, trying to put together the pieces, trying to comprehend that he had been here the whole time. 

“So, you’re a history major now, huh? Never pegged you as the type and I’d like to think that I know you better than anybody else.” So said, trying to lighten the mood. 

“I wasn’t interested in it at first but now I really like it. Seeing it from a different point of view, understanding the era, it puts it all in perspective for me. But the reason I went into history-.. when you became king, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let anybody remember you as a bloody monarch anymore, I couldn’t keep my promise then- I thought that if I couldn’t do anything else, the least I could do was show that you were a good person.” 

“Don’t cry. I’m sorry… I always suspected that you weren’t from the same world. Since you were younger, you were so different from everybody else. You always said things that didn't make sense and wrote words that nobody could understand and it was eventually clear for me.” 

Hajin looked out the window again as she heard the pitter patter of the rain that had began to fall . She watched as the droplets hit the glass and blurred her view, like it was building a barrier and locking her in. She finally turned back to So again after a while. 

“Was it worth it? Becoming king?” Hajin asked.

“No, no it wasn’t. Even though I brought change and I became a king for the people, I was empty… I missed out on everything and lost everything that I ever loved. I was a good king, but it meant nothing in the end, I had nothing to live for. I lost you, I lost Baekah, I lost the chance to be a father to our child. It was all… futile.” 

“Where is this going, So.” Hajin said, looking So straight in the eye. 

“What do you mean?” He seemed to be taken aback.

“If I had never met him, I would not yearn for him. 

If I did not know him, I would not think of him so much. 

If we had not been together, I would not have to disappear. 

If I did not cherish him, I would not have so many memories.

If I had not love him, we would not have to throw each other away. 

If we had not been face to face, we would not have been together. 

Perhaps.. if I had never met you.

These are the exact words that I told myself as I left the palace. I wondered if I would have been better off had we not met. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. 

And I decided that I was still better off knowing you. 

For the last two years since I’ve been back here, I blamed myself, I shouldered all the blame because I felt so guilty because I thought I would never see you again but seeing you again, it puts things into perspective now. 

A part of me was so angry at you. I was resentful. When I was apart from you I missed you so much that I felt like my heart was in shreds and I kept myself going by hoping that in some place far away from there that we would meet again and that we could be happy again but I never thought I would actually see you again. 

I hated that you weren’t selfish enough to throw everything away for me. I hated that I wasn’t enough for you. 

We threw each other away, So. I threw you away, but you threw me away first. You didn’t do it to hurt me but you threw me away. It was what you needed to do, and I understand that. But I threw you away because it was what I needed to do too. For me and my child. My child put things in perspective for me then. 

And one day, if we do this, we’re just going to hurt each other again. Something’s going to happen and we’ll be hurt. 

And whatever this is, wherever this is going, I can’t, I won’t do this again.

I’ll admit that I’m scared and that’s what’s keeping me away but I can’t go through that pain again. It’s insane to do things over and over again expecting something different to happen.” 

“So what is it that you want? Do you want me? Do you want me to leave and never see you again? Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it for you.”

“I- I don’t know. I love you, So.” The tears flooded her eyes as she looked So who just looked so fiercely determined. “That’s something that’s never changed. But I know that if we become something now..one day we’ll have to part.” 

“Do you remember something you said before not long before you left? You told me that you imagined that in another world, another time, it would have been so great. You wouldn’t fear anything and you could truly, truly love me as much as you wanted. Did you not mean it? People change, Hajin. We learn and we grow and we better ourselves. Our experiences harden us, they shape us and when we get burned, we know to avoid the pain the next time. I don’t know if I can live with myself knowing that I didn’t give it my best shot but I understand it if that’s what you want.”

“Each and every day, I missed you. I thought of you. I imagined that you were right there by my side. Every day since I’ve been back, I thought about you and I yearned for me. I felt like there was glass in my lungs because every breath I took knowing that I would never see you again felt like the hardest thing in the world. But I don’t want you to set yourself to keep me warm. I don’t want us to hurt each other again.” Hajin replied as an ugly sob tore through her and she felt like the weight of the world was on her chest.

“You know what I learned after you died? The ugliest scars, the ones that hurt the most aren’t the ones that the world can see. They’re the scars that mar your heart. The ones that only you can feel and only you can see. Those are the ones that hurt the most, the ones that you can’t hide. The scar on my face paled in comparison to the scars on my heart. But we have another chance now. We have a chance to change something and to start over again. We can learn from the past. As long as we have each other we have nothing to fear. Because even though it was so bad in the end, it was so good for a while too. We were so happy, even if it was for a little bit. All we needed was each other. We owe it to ourselves to give this a chance. Besides, it couldn’t have been so bad if we created something as beautiful as Seol.

Will you be able to live with yourself if you don’t even try to give us another chance? I promise that I’ll give it my all and that I’ll be ready to let you go again if anything goes wrong. You know that I would do anything for you.” 

Hajin looked at the man before, who still had a heart of gold. How could someone still believe in love after being burned so badly? And yet, he was optimistic and he was kindhearted and he still loved her. He wanted nothing but for her to be happy. And she truly hoped that this was the case. That their time apart had provided them with perspective. So was right, she could never live with herself if she didn’t at least give them a chance, she was just scared that she wouldn’t be able to give anything up this time. But she still nodded because it just felt.. right. At least that’s what she hoped. Truth be told, she could never be away from him. She knew that she could never live her life knowing that she was here and he was here but they were apart once again.

She knew that she loved him and that he loved her and that the time that she had spent away from was more painful than anything she could have ever imagined and she hoped to god that fate would treat her well this time. 

She looked into So’s eyes, so genuine, so kind, filled with sincerity and let her heart lead the way. She nodded and So smiled, enveloping her in a hug. 

“Stay the night.” So said, running his fingers along her cheek. Hajin nodded and returned his smile. 

So led her to his room. She cherished his embrace, savoured his touch and squeezed her eyes shut tightly, praying that this wasn’t a cruel trick. That this was the start of so