D-14

October 17th, 11:47 PM




Hansol would’ve greatly appreciated it if Seungcheol hadn't decided to forcefully drag him out of the recording room as soon as Jihoon declared a ‘job well done’ that evening. He was having a pretty relaxed time up until then by letting himself get lost in the energetic pace of the rap he was assigned to deliver — essentially choosing to forget all about his irrelevant woes and worries in favor of the music he was helping to create.

It had been a simple-enough task. After all, adapting to a certain rhythm was something Hansol could easily do. Something he excelled in, even. Among many others, It was an idea he would mull over quite a bit on his rare lazy days — this supposedly inborn talent of his.

Maybe it was because he was so driven and so passionate, that music had been so yielding to him.

Love could make you see things in a positive light and feel as though you’re walking on air, Hansol had heard people say more than once. And he was more than inclined to believe such cheesy and hand-curling statements, since in his considerably short life span, he had been fortunate enough as to be able to experience that amazing feeling first-hand.

Hansol truly loved music and music, in turn, gave him all the right reasons to do just that. It held this irresistible charm, that in the end led him to base the rest of his life around it.

Nothing could beat the feelings a person obtained from doing what they truly love, Hansol had heard people say more than once. And he was more than inclined to believe such a statement, as he was in no way an exception to the rule.

The exhilaration that went through him from being able to bring life to his thoughts and ideas in the form of sounds, lyrics — even gestures — was simply put, worth it. Worth all the struggles and doubts he had to constantly push through to eventually reach that mind-blowing sense of fulfillment. Because truthfully, not everything went completely smooth a hundred percent of the time.

A perfect example of such case would be during his latest recording session, right before Seungcheol had called everyone for a pressing group discussion.

To put it frankly, he was underperforming. Hansol, the member everyone considered best in terms of both stamina and charisma, was underperforming. It was painfully evident from the way Jihoon kept on clicking his tongue every few seconds, asking him to go from the top.

“Something just isn’t clicking,” was the embittered conclusion the fidgety producer had come to, hair looking positively like a birds’ nest due to the constant abuse it had suffered from his restless hands in the long hour he was trying to direct Hansol. He had shaken his head repeatedly then, running a tired hand down his even paler than usual face, and heaving a deep, worn-out sigh.    

Hansol has to admit to himself that maybe he wasn’t putting his absolute everything into the recording process that evening. Not like he would have usually, at least. Perhaps it wasn’t one of his brightest ideas — not to focus on the meaning behind the lines he’d written. That is, the lines he’d written for their most recent love-themed song.

Hansol doesn’t know why he had struggled so much with such a seemingly basic mission. The lyrics were… well, they were only words. Really cheesy and clichè words that didn’t carry much weight as much as they fit nicely with SEVENTEEN’s boyish image and the upbeat track Woozi and Bumzu composed. It was stupid to associate those empty words with something other than their simplistic purpose, to appeal to fans and gullible pop-consuming crowds alike.

Really, that objective should’ve been Hansol’s only concern — to appeal to the fans. The fans were always supposed to be on his mind, after all.

In retrospect, maybe that very same train of thought and the untainted want to live up to expectations were what ultimately exacerbated his inability to maintain focus. Because, see, flirting and fanservice were also things which came very naturally to Hansol. Things he excelled in, even. It genuinely frustrated him that not even with an abundance of warming-up, and retry after retry after retry, he couldn’t bring himself to show off his ‘trademark cheekiness’ on full display in his work. The usual confidence he was told more times than once that he exudes in waves, became near nonexistent on that evening in the studio.

It was super unlikely for something to faze Hansol to such an extent. To faze him at all, when he actually thinks about it.

Hansol was a pretty chill dude, all things considered. Oblivious to ninety percent of the things around him, one might say. Yet he could still gather as much as this: clearly, something was bothering him. Something a lot more serious than the cold he was developing, or the fact his allergies were starting to act up again, or even knowing that he probably won’t get to shower for at least three more hours, at best.

Something far more serious was weighing Hansol’s heart down. Gnawing at his concentration, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth and a ghostly scratch at the back of his neck — one of the places where he was the most vulnerable.

The real kicker, though, was that he couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out what that thing was.

“Yah, Vernon-ah, could you get me some paper and something to write with so we can get this thing going?”

“Huh?” Hansol blinks back to reality, mind returning from the far-away plane it has traveled to for the past few minutes. His hand slowly falls from under his chin and into his lap, as he begins to piece little details from his current situation into a more orderly picture.

.

For how long has he been like this? Seungcheol is looking straight in his direction — obviously wanting him to do something. Everyone else is in the room, too, for some reason. Talking up a storm with each other, as per usual.   

Now, Hansol is often told he is easily swayed by his emotions and in-the-moment impulses, and that it shows. It shows awful noticeably. It shows in his expressive body language. It shows on his ever-changing face; by the way of his smile (or lack thereof), and his eyebrows — which tend to assume life of their own whenever something remotely reaction-worthy happens. But the thing that really sells him out and leaves his heart entirely exposed and bare for everyone else to see, is his eyes.

They always linger on things they shouldn’t.

Hansol might be unaware of ninety percent of the things around him, but he sure as hell knows that he hasn’t just been ogling thin air for ten whole minutes. He must’ve been sighting something in particular. Or more precisely… someone.

him. He hope he wasn't staring too much.

“What do you want me to do again?” Hansol finds himself questioning aloud after regaining enough of his fleeting consciousness, casting his traitorous eyes as far away from their original target as he possibly can.

“We’re gonna have a draw to decide our costumes for the fan signing. Weren’t you listening?” Soonyoung chimes in from across the conference room table Hansol just now realizes most of the members are seated at. “I suggested this totally ingenious idea to go with a fairytale concept, and everyone unanimously agreed, because regardless of whatever Mingyu and Seungkwan have to say, it is a completely fresh and innovative never-seen-before idea!”   

“Sorry to be the one saying it, but that’s a little too big of a stretch, hyung.”

“Channie-bunny, why? Why must you always hurt me so?”

“Can’t help it if you’re consistently wrong, stupid.”

“Wonwoo, not you too!”

Right.

Okay.

So Hansol’s hasn’t been that far off in his line of thinking.

If his memory is to be trusted, Seungcheol had assembled everyone post individual practice in order to decide on new contents for their upcoming Halloween event, and after a lot of going back and forth about which theme they should assume, and a handful of bad puns, Jeonghan finally made the proposition to have a draw so they could stop arguing over who should play the role of the two ugly stepsisters.

Good.

Good.

He did manage to get the gist of things even through that ultra weird trance of his he just had.

“Alright, guys, settle down. Hansol — you’re getting me the things I asked for, right? And Minghao, give me your hat.”

Upon hearing Seungcheol repeat his request, Hansol instantly gets up from the table and makes a beeline for the door with large, almost robotic-like steps. The rest of the members resume their banter as soon as he exits the conference room and walks toward one of the adjacent offices, where he knows there's plenty of stationery waiting for him to be brought back.

He is sitting closest to the entrance, after all. So it's only logical that Seungcheol would appoint him as an errand boy.

Hansol reaches the corridor and pushes the first door on his right open, hand weighing the handle down with an unnecessary amount of force. It stays there for a few long moments as he attempts to constrain his swarming thoughts into a more logical and healthy course.

It's not like Seungcheol did that just to taunt you, he rationalizes. It's not like he intentionally chose to fawn all over Seungkwan because he knows how much it would make your blood boil. 

They’re always like that. 

Why the hell should Hansol feel so shaken by some innocent touching, anyway? He doesn't have a right to be upset. It’s Seungkwan’s body, not his. If he is willing to allow Seungcheol to latch onto him like that, then that’s his full right. Nothing he can do about it.

No one should take into consideration some sore idiot’s feelings when they want to show friendly affection to someone they consider an older brother. That’s— That’s just being plain ridiculous!

Seriously, what is wrong with him lately?

In all honesty, It surprises Hansol. It surprises him that when he steps back into the conference room, it is with an obstinate sense of dread. No one seems to notice the dangerous burn he feels deep in his bones as he glances down at Seungcheol, noting how his arms haven't returned from their detour on Seungkwan's body quite yet. Everyone is talking animatedly to each other in exactly the same manner they were speaking when he left the room a few minutes before.

No one seems to notice how out of place he feels.

And why should they?

This is ridiculous.

He's ridiculous. He shouldn't be feeling like this. He never had, anyway.

Why now?

Hansol, contrary to common belief, remembers what people tell him. So when he joins the meeting for the second time, he tries with all of his might to look away. To avert what he knows to be a forlorn gaze from where it would’ve been usually aimed at.

Maybe that’s why the pens and stacks of paper he returns with plunk on top of the table a bit too loudly for his liking, and a pencil finds its way to the floor. He thinks the others would surely stare now. But it’s only Junhui who graces him with a benign expression, and drapes a loose arm around his shoulders. He’s kinda thankful for that.

“I hope I get something cool, like an evil enchanter,” Junhui says excitedly when Seungkwan starts tearing the list of fairytale characters he’s finished writing to the blessings and complaints of the other members, and continues to fold the torn scraps of paper into neat little square pieces.

Minghao’s hat gets passed around, and then it’s Hansol’s turn to pick.

Sleeping beauty, the pretty round letters of Seungkwan’s handwriting reads.

Speaking of sleeping beauty…

“Yeah, I think I’m gonna head back to the dorm now, if that’s okay.”

“What? You’re kidding!” Soonyoung yawps, and swats Hansol’s arm in light of him voicing his intentions. “You have to be absolutely nuts to miss out on what your hip hyung has got planned out for tonight!”

“Yeah, we’re going over to the corner store and seeing how much ramen we can fit in our mouths,” Seokmin adds to the passionate declaration jokingly, his grin bright as ever. “Gonna have us a swell ol’ time, sure you don’t wanna come?”

“Nah, I’m ‘aight.”

“That’s too bad,” Soonyoung mock-sighs, wiggling his eyebrows a moment later, as he leans further into Hansol. “Hyung promises he’ll buy you all the chocolates your little sugarholic heart desires.”

“I’d much rather be sleeping right now, to be honest.” Hansol shrugs, and laughs, despite of himself.

“Well, seeing as just three days ago I caught you head-first inside one of the refrigerators in the ice cream aisle, snoring like there was no tomorrow — yeah, I’d say it’s probably for the best if you don’t tag along for this one.”

“What, seriously?” Mingyu interjects from the back of the room — at a prime time, as always. “That’s so embarrassing!”

“No kidding! Good thing I was there to snap him out of his paralysis, or else he probably wouldn't have any nose to speak of today. Can you Imagine what carats' reactions would’ve been like? I’ve saved you from a life devoid of all income, Vernon-ah! Where’s your gratitude?”

“Okay, I see it now. Thanks a lot, hyung.” Hansol can’t help but snicker once again at Sooyoung's casual prattle. “Goodnight. Have fun at your little raid.”

“Will do!”

“G’night, fellow birthday boy,” Seokmin calls when Hansol’s halfway out the room — almost off into relative freedom. “I’ll save you some snacks for later!”

“Thanks, man! Appreciate it.”

Hansol doesn't know why he's in such a hurry, but with each goodnight bidding he hears on his way out, his heart seems a little bit more heavy in his chest, and his throat just a tiny more stuffy. But of course he makes sure to react to everything like he usually would. 

“Night, Vernon!”

“Night, Josh.” 

“Goodnight, hyung. I’m gonna see how many spicy tteokbokki I can eat tonight. Minghao-hyung said that if I can manage a minimum of eight he’ll teach me some tumbling!”

“Wow, serious? That’s really awesome, Channie.”

“Actually I was planning to teach him regardless, but he’s got himself so fired up for this challenge, I’d feel bad telling him otherwise. Goodnight, by the way."

“Ha, just makes sure he doesn’t pass out or something. Goodnight.”

“Listen, Hansol, I know you’re feeling guilty for giving me a hard time today. But I mean, we both know that I would’ve stayed about the same amount of hours working, anyway. So you don’t have to. You usually do really well. One bad instance isn’t enough for me to resent you. Don’t take it to heart, and next time… let’s work harder, okay? And... make sure to sleep tight so we won’t have to deal with any delays tomorrow as well.”

“Oh. Sure, hyung. I wasn’t taking it to heart. It’s just a fluke, I’ll be better off in the morning — promise. And you too, don’t stay up too late.”   

“Goodnight, Vernonie. Have sweet dreams.”

That last voice, Hansol doesn’t bother honoring with a reply. Only after he has his blanket perfectly aligned with his armpits, and head positioned precisely in the center of his pillow just how he likes it, does it ever cross his mind that it might be the reason why his eyes keep wandering aimlessly into space.

Still, he can’t say he knows that for sur