It was a typical scenario - people moving around and about changing costumes, applying and re-applying make-up, adjusting microphones, etc. The f(x) team are in one dressing room, taking turns as they get ready for their performance. A staff member calls them to be on queue. They move to the waiting room with a TV to watch the current performers.

“Ohh. Such good stunts! Woohoo 2PM!” Luna cheers as they watch. Sulli joins in the fangirling. Krystal and Amber steal glances at their leader as Victoria watches for a few seconds then turns to the mirror and pretends to fix her perfectly styled hair.

“f(x), up next!” Hearts pumping, fingers trembling. No matter how long since their debut, no matter how many songs and dances they've performed, stage jitters never really goes away. They go on stage, with their adrenaline and excitement fueling them. Victoria thinks she sees a small wave from the backstage. She’s not sure who it was but her smile gets a little wider and does her best ever performance.

They go down to the backstage after slaying to their latest song. Krystal is jumpy and is holding on to Victoria’s hands for support. They stop on their tracks when they see Nichkhun with the rest of 2PM congratulating them. He cheers them on like the true f(x) fanboy that he is. The girls thank them and exchange greetings before they go their separate ways. They notice Nichkhun glued to his spot so Krystal excuses herself and lets go of Victoria’s arm, leaving the two of them outside.

“It’s been a long time. How are you?” Nickhun asks. The sincerity in his voice and glint in his eyes causes long-forgotten butterflies to flutter in Victoria’s stomach.

---

After filming for We Got Married ended, Nichkhun made an effort to keep in touch with Victoria. They text each other all day and all night but never had a chance to meet again until five months later. They decide to eat dinner in a Japanese restaurant nearby.

They spend a good three hours simply laughing at each other’s jokes and exchanging stories. They spend another hour talking about their unsure plans – going back to their home countries, leaving the idol life, and marriage and family.

They both want four kids. She aims to be an actress in both Korea and China (and maybe Thailand, too, Nichkhun adds) while he wishes to start up a business well renowned in Asia. They decide they might want to be idols for at least ten years, though, living their dreams and passion to the fullest while they’re young.

From one topic to another, they become more serious, suddenly ending the night with courteous goodbyes and stiff smiles, without a promise of ever seeing each other again.

That night is one of Victoria’s biggest ‘what-ifs’. She wonders how a night can begin so wonderfully and end so painfully. Whatever reasons she had before  - “We’re still young”, “I want to focus on my career”, and “We’re both busy” – she regrets them all now. At the time, she thought it was the right choice. “I’m not ready”, she tells him. But now, she would give anything to change her answer back then, when Nichkhun asked her to be his girlfriend for real.

---

Another three months of no talking until they see each other again. They both attend Sooyoung’s birthday party. Despite everybody filling up the bar space, Victoria manages to find fresh air through a small veranda at the side. She stayed by the side, catching her breath from all the dancing and trying to sober up. She looks back to see Luna and Sulli still dancing crazily to the music. Amber is talking to Jessica while Krystal is probably getting another drink from the bar (or cornered by her endless admirers). Yoona and Yuri are too busy talking to each other in shushes and slurs on the other side of the veranda (probably drunk, she thinks) to notice her. They enter the bar from the veranda with arms linked and eyes glued to each other, leaving her all alone, or so she thinks.

She sighs. A heavy sigh she has been holding for a few hours now.

“Despite the alcohol, I still feel so terribly hurt.”

She gasps at the sudden invasion of her thinking time. But she doesn’t need to turn around to know whose voice spoke those words.

“’Drink’, they say, and ‘you’ll forget about it when you’re drunk’. I guess I’m not drunk enough.”

She finally turns to look at him. Just the sight of Nichkhun looking forlorn makes her heart hurt. She looks away as quickly as she glances, trying to hold back the tears.

“I’m sorry,” she says in a small voice. What she doesn’t say is ‘I’m an idiot who can’t sort out my feelings even after all this time.’