A/N: Oh man, I can't believe it's been so long. Almost a year. I am awful but what else is new? I wrote parts of this chapter when I wrote the first chapter and then parts of it just this week, so basically my typical writing process lmao. I am only about a quarter awake right now, but I am posting this because it's 9/30 and, you know, I just have to. That's a long way of saying #justbecause

Taeyeon presses her lips to Jessica’s forehead, which feels very much real and unreal at the same time. Suddenly, she wrinkles her nose. “I have to brush my teeth. My breath reeks of garlic.”

Jessica can only think to say, “At least it’ll keep the vampires away.”

“Yeah, that’s always important.” Taeyeon laughs, self-consciously covering like she’s afraid she’ll disgust Jessica with her garlic-scented breath.

Jessica pulls Taeyeon’s hand away from her face and laces their fingers together. “It’s okay, it’s not like you ate cucumbers.”

“Would you kiss me if I did?”

Jessica gives her A Look.

Taeyeon smiles, sheepish. “That was a stupid question, wasn’t it?”

“Do you even know me at all?”

Taeyeon leans in, her nose skimming a line down Jessica’s jaw, pressing an open-mouthed kiss against her neck and then lightly nipping at the skin there. Okay, she’s taking this vampire thing a little too far. “I know you inside out,” she murmurs.

Jessica breaks into shivers, ones that are far from unpleasant. “Taeyeon…”

Taeyeon lifts her head. “Still feel like going to bed?” she asks, her tone innocent but the look in her eyes anything but.

“Yes,” Jessica says, although now she means it in a very different sense. “Let’s go.”

Later, when she has Taeyeon under her, hair darkened to flax with sweat and voice hoarse definitely not from singing, she forgets to watch herself and just stares at Taeyeon, trying to hoard this too. She knows that all memories fade, regardless of how tightly you try to hold onto them, and she will never again be able to have this moment as clear and vivid as she does now. She will never be able to have Taeyeon like this again.

“You’re such a tease,” Taeyeon rasps, eyes fluttering open, and Jessica realizes that she stopped at a rather inopportune moment.

Jessica gives a sweet smile. “I thought that’s why you like me.”

“I’d like you better if—”

“—I did this?” Jessica asks innocently, crooking her fingers a certain way.

The way Taeyeon gasps and arches her neck is enough of an answer. Jessica lowers her head and a mark against the tender flesh of Taeyeon’s inner thigh. A love bite. It’s silly, but she wants to leave some evidence that she had touched Taeyeon, had kissed Taeyeon. She wonders if this mark will last longer than her, if Taeyeon will see it after she’s gone and think of her, remember her. In another world, the thought of marking Taeyeon, of claiming her, would have filled her up, but here, it just hollows her out.

“I swear,” Taeyeon says, “if you’re going to continue being such a goddamn tease…”

Sorry, Jessica almost blurts out. Instead, she quips, “Patience is a virtue.”

“Yes, and we’re being very virtuous right now.”

Jessica smiles at that, and then she shuts out her thoughts and surrenders herself to the heat simmering under her skin.

“Now I’m really ready for bed, as in actual bed,” Taeyeon says, sprawled out bonelessly, eyes half-shut like she doesn’t have the energy to hold them open. Jessica feels rather accomplished at leaving her in such a state.

“Well, it’s good that we’re in an actual bed right now.”

Taeyeon throws her a lazy smile. “It’s still pretty good if we’re on the couch, or in the shower, or—”

Jessica’s face fills with heat. “Do you know how not to speak in innuendos?”

“You’re so cute.” Taeyeon chuckles. “You didn’t even blush when we actually had , but you blush when we talk about it.”

“You’re always talking about it. I think you need to go to some kind of addict group. You clearly have an addiction problem.”

“An addict group?” Taeyeon repeats, sounding amused. “Like what, maniac Anonymous? NA? Hey, do you think they have that?”

“If they do, I’m signing you up.”

“But I’m not addicted to ,” Taeyeon says, completely straight-faced. “I’m just addicted to you. Doesn’t that mean I have to go to a Jessica addiction support group? I bet they have those, full of your obsessed fans.”

Jessica’s heart is beating so fast she can hear it thundering in her ears. “What does that make you, my number one fan?”

“Absolutely,” Taeyeon says solemnly. “Don’t you know that already?”

Jessica bites down on her inner cheek. “Of course I do, but it’s nice to be reminded.”

“Well, let me know if you ever need a reminder,” Taeyeon says, her voice light but her gaze heavy. Jessica can’t help but feel like she’s alluding to something deeper. “I can think of a few ways to remind you,” she adds suggestively.

…Or maybe not.

“What are you looking for?” Taeyeon asks curiously as Jessica reaches around the bed.

“My phone. I need to look up maniacs Anonymous so I can sign you up.”

“Will you come with me to the meetings?”

“…I think that defeats the point of them.”

“Well, it’s not like we’re going to bang in front of them.”

“Taeyeon!”

“Unless you want to? I didn’t think you were an exhibitionist, Sica.”

“The only thing I’ll do in front of them is strangle you.”

“I didn’t think you were into asphyxiation either.”

“Kim Taeyeon, I swear…”

She should have figured that pillow talk with Taeyeon would be like this. Then again, she can’t honestly say that she minds.

Jessica only realizes that she fell asleep when she wakes up in the middle of the night to a voice coming from right beside her.

“Yes, we are very excited about our comeback,” Taeyeon says, so clearly that Jessica thinks she’s talking on the phone for a second. Then she sees that Taeyeon’s eyes are closed and she’s clearly deep asleep. “Please continue to give us support and love. Right now it’s…”

And Jessica can’t help herself as she finishes, “…Girls’ Generation!”

It’s been so long since she’s said those words that she almost expects them to stick in , to wither there perhaps, but they come out as naturally and easily as if she’s been saying them for her whole life. In many ways, it feels like she has been.

Taeyeon mumbles something about forever, and then, “Jessica,” her voice so achingly tender that Jessica’s heart throbs, feeling too heavy for her body.

“Taeyeon,” she whispers in reply. It’s a relief that Taeyeon’s asleep so she doesn’t have to hold back on anything, doesn’t have to worry she’s staring too intently, for too long, doesn’t have to panic she’s giving something away. “Tae, I’m scared,” she lets herself confess. “I don’t want to lose this.” I don’t want to lose you.

Taeyeon’s only reply is a quiet snore. Jessica looks at her for a moment longer, committing her sleeping face to memory. Of course, she’s seen Taeyeon asleep before, whether in the van or makeup chair or, long ago, on a futon out of nine laid together on the living room floor. However, this is different. Everything is different now.

It should be an unsettling thought, but when Taeyeon rolls over and tucks herself against Jessica’s side with a sound of contentment, Jessica can feel nothing except right, like this is where she belongs.

There’s a moment of jagged disorientation when she wakes up, like she drank too much the night before and isn’t sure where she ended up, before it all comes back to her. Waking up in Taeyeon’s bed, finding out she’s still part of the group, having dinner with Tiffany and Sunkyu and…Taeyeon.  Eating cupcakes with Taeyeon, cooking with Taeyeon, sleeping with Taeyeon. Seeing that dimple in her chin. The playful sparkle in her eyes. The spot behind her ear that makes her shiver. Taeyeon. Her day started and ended with Taeyeon. Her thoughts do too.

And speaking of Taeyeon…

“How would you like your eggs?”

Jessica stares blankly at Taeyeon. “Is this some kind of morning after joke?”

“No.” Taeyeon holds up a spatula. “I’m making eggs. How do you want them? Like usual?”

“Um, sunny side up, please.”

“So, like usual.” Jessica just nods dumbly. “Okay, coming up!”

Taeyeon walks away, apparently to cook Jessica breakfast, and Jessica wishes that every morning could be like this. Maybe they would actually be something to look forward to.

Tiffany is already sitting at the kitchen table by the time Jessica drags herself there, hoping that Taeyeon made coffee.

“Morning, Jessi!” she chirps, and Jessica grunts back. “Late night?” she asks with a twinkle in her eyes.

Jessica grunts again.

“You sound like my brother in the mornings.”

“I do not sound like a man, thank you very much.”

“Of course not,” Tiffany says, and Jessica decides to be the bigger person and forgive her for the comment. “You only walk like one.”

Never mind.

“Eggs are ready,” Taeyeon announces, setting two plates in front of Jessica and Tiffany: sunny side up for Jessica and scrambled for Tiffany. “Sica, you can kill her after you eat. You’ll have more strength.”

“That’s true.” Jessica beams at her. “You’re so thoughtful, Tae.”

Tiffany mimes gagging. “Hey, I’m trying to eat here.”

Jessica throws her a glare. “Enjoy your last meal.”

“Now, now, kids,” Taeyeon sighs, sounding remarkably like Juhyun. “Eat before your food gets cold, and don’t throw it at each other.”

Tiffany takes a big bite, makes an appreciative sound and gives Taeyeon a smile. “These taste great, TaeTae. Thank you!”

“No problem. It’s the least I could do after dinner.”

“You should have just made eggs,” Tiffany says, digging in.

“I’m sure that would have been a great dinner,” Taeyeon says dryly.

“You’re not having any?” Jessica asks, seeing no plate in front of Taeyeon.

“I already ate. I had a cupcake from yesterday.”

“That’s not enough,” Jessica says. “Here, have one of my eggs.”

“No, it’s fine. You eat them. I made them for you.”

“And I want to share them with you. Take one. Really.”

“Really, I’m okay. I don’t want—”

“Can you two stop already?” Tiffany groans. “You’re being too cute. I can’t eat in peace.”

“You can eat in your room in peace,” Taeyeon suggests.

“Where’s Sunkyu?” Jessica asks, just to change the subject.

“Still sleeping,” Tiffany replies. “I think she stayed up late gaming.”

“Of course,” Jessica snorts.

“Seems like I was the only one who didn’t sleep late,” Tiffany says casually.

“Seems like it,” Taeyeon says, expression not faltering at all while Jessica can’t make eye contact with either of them.

“Jessi, do you want some juice?” Tiffany asks brightly. “You should stay hydrated. You never know when you might, er, get some intensive exercise done.”

She can’t believe she forgot how much of a pain Tiffany is. It’s like Tiffany wants to remind her.

“I’d like some juice,” Taeyeon says.

Tiffany scowls. “I wasn’t asking you.”

“I cooked you breakfast! You won’t even pour me a glass of juice? Sica isn’t the only one who needs to stay hydrated. I exercise too, you know.”

“Fine,” Tiffany sighs in a longsuffering way. “I’ll get you both some juice. You’re no fun, TaeTae.”

“Hey, I have to stick up for my girlfriend.” The trail of butterflies in Jessica’s stomach flutter with extra force. “She can cut me off, you know.”

The butterflies are hit with a flash freeze and sink into instant hibernation.

Tiffany snorts. “You’re so romantic. Jessi must feel so loved.”

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon says. “Do you, Sica?”

“I do,” Jessica says quietly. “I mean, you’re my number one crazy obsessed fan, right?”

Taeyeon grins, dimpling, and the butterflies come back to life. “Of course.”

Tiffany sighs. “Ugh, you two are so sweet I feel like I can drink undiluted lemonade and it’d taste like Mountain Dew.”

“You’re welcome to try,” Jessica tells her. “I’d be happy to get you some lemons.”

Sunkyu comes into the kitchen at that moment. “Is that what’s for breakfast, lemons?” she asks, punctuating her question with a yawn. “I’m not sure I’m up for that. Are you guys trying to do that eat a whole lemon challenge?”

“Er, something like that,” Taeyeon says, hiding a smile behind her hand. “Do you want eggs? I made some for the American girls already.”

“Sure. Is this your way of making up for dinner?”

“Kind of, yeah. But I mean, we had a good dinner.” Taeyeon glances over at Jessica. “Didn’t we, Sica?”

“The best,” Jessica agrees, and means it wholeheartedly.

Sunkyu offers to do the dishes, and starts a conversation with Taeyeon by the sink.

“Jessi, can I talk to you for a minute?” Tiffany asks.

“Do you know how to talk for only one minute?”

Tiffany doesn’t reply to the jibe, grabbing Jessica’s wrist and pulling her with startling force into Tiffany’s room. Jessica takes a look around Tiffany’s room; she remembers it better than Taeyeon’s, having been here much more often, but her eyes still dart all around the walls and furniture, taking everything in.

“Jessica, I want to ask you something.”

The use of her full name makes her stiffen. Tiffany only calls her Jessica when she’s being Very Serious.

“Okay,” she says slowly, dread twisting her insides into knots. Did Tiffany see through her (not very convincing) act?

“What’s going on with you and Taeyeon?”

Jessica stares at Tiffany with wide eyes. “What do you mean?” she asks weakly.

“I thought playing dumb was my specialty,” Tiffany says, her tone completely opposite from her teasing words.

“Nothing’s going on between Taeyeon and me,” Jessica says, the words so true in her own universe that they don’t even sound like a lie on her lips.

Tiffany narrows her eyes. “You really expect me to believe that?”

“Since when were you our relationship counsellor?”

“Given that you two come to me all the time when you have issues, I think I have the right to ask after you.”

Jessica absorbs that for a moment. She isn’t surprised that she would go to Tiffany, given both her and Taeyeon’s closeness to her, but she isn’t sure how she feels at the thought of Taeyeon talking to Tiffany about her, about them.

“Jessi,” Tiffany says, voice softer now. “I just want to help you. You know that you can talk to me. About anything.”

“I know,” Jessica whispers.

“I’m just worried about you. Both of you. But especially you.”

“Me?” Jessica laughs, the sound airy and frail to her ears. “There’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Jessi,” Tiffany says, firmer now but still soft.

“Why do you think there’s something going on between me and Taeyeon?” Jessica hadn’t missed Taeyeon’s expression when she said ‘a lot can change over a week.’ What had happened during this week?

“Is there not?” Tiffany asks. “You’ve been acting…weird.”

“How?” Jessica asks, not playing dumb but truly curious this time, wanting to know how the other Jessica normally acts around Taeyeon. “I mean…you really think I’m acting differently?”

“Uh, yeah,” Tiffany says, like duh. “You’re not nearly as touchy as you used to be with Taeyeon. And you have these awkward pauses so much now when she says something. What’s going on?”

Of course she’s not as touchy as the other Jessica; this Taeyeon (any Taeyeon) isn’t hers to touch. And as for the awkward pauses… She really needs to work on those. There’s only so much she can blame on her delayed reaction time.

“I don’t know,” Jessica says honestly. “I’m as confused as you are, Tiff.”

Tiffany studies her for a long moment. “You should just talk to Taeyeon about it. Whatever it is.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I mean, I know you two aren’t the biggest fan of talking but you have to work it out. You don’t want it to be like the last time. Taeyeon sulked for the whole two weeks you weren’t talking to each other, she drove everyone crazy.”

Tiffany rolls her eyes, while Jessica feels frozen. They didn’t talk for two weeks, and Taeyeon was…upset. How long has it been since they talked, really talked, in her own universe?

“—ssi. Jessica. JESSICA!”

She raises her head slowly, as if coming out of a daze. “Yeah?”

“Talk to Taeyeon, okay?”

“Why don’t you give her this talk?” Jessica says numbly, even though that’s definitely not what she wants. She may be able to handle this confrontation from Tiffany, but she definitely can’t from Taeyeon.

Tiffany makes a face. “I figured you’re easier to convince. TaeTae’s probably too scared to talk to you.”

Jessica gives a dry chuckle. “You think I’m not scared to talk to her?”

“No, you wear the pants in your relationship, why would you be scared?” Tiffany asks with a grin.

A strange sound escapes Jessica; with a start, she realizes that it’s a laugh.

“Well, maybe TaeTae wears the pants sometimes, but you definitely hold the whip.”

“Um,” Jessica says eloquently, her cheeks flaming.

“I mean that she’s whipped by you, not like the kind of thing Sunkyu would say.” Tiffany wrinkles her nose. “She would probably make some kind of joke here.”

“I…should go,” Jessica says, and makes her escape before either Tiffany thinks of a Sunkyu-level lewd comment or asks her any more questions that she really doesn’t have the answers for.

What’s going on with you and Taeyeon?

There’s no way that Jessica can answer that question, whether to Tiffany or herself.

Jessica means to return to her room, maybe search up more information on her phone, maybe just lie down for a bit while she still has that luxury. However, her legs move as if they have a mind of their own and they take her into another room instead. The one she woke up in yesterday.

(Has it really only been one day? She feels like she’s been here for days already, weeks, like this is the life she’s used to, this is the world she belongs in. It’s a dangerous illusion, but she finds herself unable – or is it just unwilling? – to escape it.)

Taeyeon’s bed is not as nice as her own, but it feels incredibly comfortable. Jessica stares at the ceiling as her mind drifts, not into any particular train of thought but simply wandering around the land at the edge of consciousness.

She’s suddenly jarred away from that land by the sound of the door closing. It’s not a loud sound, but in the back of her mind she has been waiting for it. She has been waiting for this. A conversation – a confrontation? – that she can’t put off any longer.

Taeyeon looks apologetic. “Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No, I wasn’t sleeping. I was just…lying here.”

Taeyeon nods, like that makes perfect sense. “By all means, continue lying,” she says, and Jessica can’t help but hear the other meaning of lie. It’s like Taeyeon’s saying, continue lying, continue pretending, continue faking.

But I’m not doing any of these things, she wants to say. My actions aren’t fake. My feelings aren’t fake.

“No, it’s okay.” Jessica sits up, but keeps the blanket over her like she’s trying to cover herself even though she’s fully clothed. “I should be up anyway.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows knit together. “You’re feeling okay, right? You’ve been napping a lot lately, even for you. Are the practices really getting to you?”

Practices. That’s something else she has to worry about, given that she has absolutely no knowledge of the song or choreography. She supposes she should be grateful that she landed here on an off day, but then again every day here is going to be an off day for her.

“Sica?”

“Well, you know.” Jessica shrugs. “Your stamina decreases as you age.”

“I don’t know, I think my stamina is still pretty great. Yours too. How long did we go just now?”

“Taeyeon!”

“I’m just saying,” Taeyeon says with an innocent expression that wouldn’t have fooled anyone, much less Jessica. “You make it sound like we’re fifty or something. We’re only halfway there. There’s still plenty of time.”

No, Jessica thinks, there isn’t. Not for them anyway.

“Right,” she says. “You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right, I’m always right,” Taeyeon says, and Jessica snorts. “So what did Tiffany want to talk about?”

“She…” Jessica’s mouth dries up. “She was trying to play counsellor.”

“Play counsellor?” Taeyeon repeats with a confused expression.

“She thinks she’s our relationship counsellor or something. Next thing you know, she’ll be starting her Dr. Tiff show.”

“Dr. Tiff?” Taeyeon sounds even more confused now.

“Never mind.” She’s starting to ramble, a nervous habit she’s never been able to shake off. “It’s just a lame joke.”

“I thought that was my specialty,” Taeyeon says with a smile, and what fragile resolve Jessica had built up starts to crumble. Taeyeon is so…so carefree, so relaxed, so happy. When was the last time Jessica saw her happy? When was the last time Jessica made her happy?

How could she ruin this happiness? She hasn’t even basked in it yet, hasn’t even fully taken in its warmth, and she’s not ready for it to be snatched aside and to be left shivering in its absence.

“Did you go to Fany for…relationship counselling?” Taeyeon asks tentatively. “I mean, shouldn’t I have come too? Since couples usually go to these things together and all.” She gives a chuckle that falls flat. With a start, Jessica realizes that she’s really asking, do you think our relationship needs work? Are you unhappy with it? Are you unhappy with me?

She hasn’t even ruined it yet, but she can already feel a chill creep in. She shivers and draws the blanket up over her shoulders, wrapping it around herself like a shawl.

“Are you cold?” Taeyeon looks concerned. “Is the air conditioning on too high?” Right after she asks, she makes a face. Jessica’s always the one wanting to turn it on higher; she doesn’t remember ever finding the AC too cold, only not cold enough.

“I’m fine,” Jessica says, “and I didn’t go to her. She came to me. She grabbed me and pulled me away at the kitchen, didn’t you see?”

“I was washing the dishes with Sunkyu.”

“Oh. Right.” Jessica would have happily taken dish duty over the forced counselling session. “Anyway, Tiffany was just…asking me some questions and stuff.”

“What kind of questions?” Taeyeon’s tone is casual but her gaze is anything but.

“Um, just questions. She thinks…” Jessica swallows. “She thinks I’ve been weird lately.”

“You have been,” Taeyeon says, and Jessica’s hands clench around the blankets in a white-knuckled grip. It was too much to hope for that Taeyeon would let her…strange behaviour go.

“It’s because of the fight, isn’t it?” Taeyeon asks wearily, like she already knows the answer.

Fight? What fight?

“I keep thinking—” Taeyeon draws in a sharp breath. “Are you going to break up with me?”

“What? No!”

“Then why have you been looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m going to disappear at any second.” Taeyeon’s voice is quiet, pained. “Like you’re saying goodbye even before you’ve said hello.”

Jessica feels like she’s been struck in the chest. She didn’t think that Taeyeon would see through her so easily. She should have figured; she’s never been a good liar when it matters.

“You don’t understand,” she says in a small voice. A pitiful voice.

Taeyeon must be fed up with hearing that, but she just looks steadily at Jessica and says, “Then explain it to me.”

“I can’t. You wouldn’t believe me.” Jessica gives a short laugh. “I don’t even believe me. This whole thing is insane.”

“What’s ‘this whole thing’?”

“You and me. You being with me. You—just you, in general.”

Taeyeon’s always been pale, but now she practically looks like a ghost. “You think us being together is insane?”

Jessica suddenly realizes what that must’ve sounded like, to Taeyeon. “In this universe, no. In mine, yes.”

“What?” To say that Taeyeon looks confused would be an understatement. “What universe? What are you talking about?”

“I told you this was insane. You’re going to think I’m crazy if I tell you.”

“I already think you’re crazy,” Taeyeon says, so fondly that Jessica feels like taking it back, taking everything back so she can just be with Taeyeon, just be happy and here and hers. Why would she tell Taeyeon the truth anyway? Why would she ruin this? It means too much to her to lose; Taeyeon means too much to her to lose, especially when she never thought she could have her in the first place.

“Is it okay if we don’t talk about this right now?” Jessica asks; implores, really. “I’ll tell you one day if you really want to know. Just not today. Just let me have this a little longer.”

Taeyeon stares at her for a long moment, eyes dark and inscrutable. Jessica really thinks that she’s going to say no, I need to know, but then her face softens.

“It’s not something like – you’re not sick, are you?”

Only in the head, Jessica thinks. She forces a smile and says, “I’m in perfect health, I promise.”

“Okay.” Taeyeon doesn’t sound happy but she doesn’t sound angry either. “You’ll have to tell me someday, you know? You can’t hide this forever.”

“I’ll tell you someday,” Jessica says, a placation more than a promise.

“I have to tell you – I’m not easy to scare away. Even if you’re secretly a vampire or something, I’m not going to run away screaming.”

Jessica can’t help a smile, and at the glint in Taeyeon’s eyes, she can tell that was Taeyeon’s intention. “I’m not a vampire, sorry to disappoint your Twilight fantasies.”

“Hey, I’m not Tiffany.”

Jessica’s smile falters at the mention of Tiffany, being reminded of the conversation they had. Talk to Taeyeon. Yeah, like it’s that easy.

“Is this about Fany?” Taeyeon asks, like she’s latching onto Jessica’s reaction.

“What?”

“Do you—” And suddenly Taeyeon’s expression is beyond vulnerable. “Do you have feelings for someone else?”

Jessica stares at Taeyeon like she’s the crazy one. “Do I…what? Are you insane, Kim Taeyeon?”

“What else am I supposed to think?”

“Taeyeon, you’re.” You’re the dream that I don’t want to wake up from. You’re the insanity that I would choose over reality. Jessica swallows. “You’re it for me.”

Taeyeon’s smile is so fragile that Jessica feels like she has to encase it in bubble wrap, keep it behind a glass case, and yet she wants to bask in it, wants to take it out like a sunbeam kept in a jar for those cold, lonely nights.

“You are too,” Taeyeon says softly, and Jessica fights back all her thoughts about what if and what could have been and focuses on now, on what is.

A/N: Originally I thought this fic would just be 2 chapters plus an epilogue, but now it's shaping to look more like 4 chapters plus an epilogue. Let's hope it stays as that and that I can finish it.