Don’t Breathe.

Swatches of color gathered together to form unrecognizable shapes.

How long?  How long do I have to hold my breath before I can find my happiness? 

I can’t anymore. 

The veins along your throat were tight and swollen.  You inhaled sharply, so sharply that it came out as a wheeze.  You felt your lungs expand out of your skin while your esophagus stung from the sudden intake of oxygen. 

“_________ah, don’t scare me,” a voice called. 

As you regain semi-consciousness, the excruciating pain between your legs escalated.  You groaned, clawing at your thighs as if doing so would alleviate the pressure.

“_________ah, do you hear me?” the same person hollered, shaking your fragile body.

You thought you were kneeling on the ground because you couldn’t feel your legs.  A stream of red trailed along your thighs.  It’s warm against your icy skin.  So you held your breath again, thinking that this pain was the punishment you deserved.        

“Babe, breathe.  Please,” the voice sounded a little familiar. 

But she told me not to. 

Staring into the sky, you tried to identify what the blotches of colors were.  The chestnut brown streaks.  The set of mirrored arches.  The rippling maroon lines.

Suddenly, you felt something pound against your chest once, twice, three times.  Then, a soft entity clung onto your lips.  Air entered your body and you it in greedily, gasping frantically for more. 

“________ah.  Please.  Please,” his voice was so beautiful.  You thought you could fall in love with its owner. 

But I can’t because I already love someone.

But I can’t have him. 

Droplets of water fell onto your face, sliding down the bridge of your nose.  More air filled your lungs. 

Sehun…

Slowly, the spots of colors desaturate. 

“No.  No.  No.  Don’t you dare fall asleep!” the alluring voice shouted as he shook you again. 

Can I be forgiven if I stopped breathing? 

“Mommy…” you heard the little girl wail but the voice was so, so clear. 

“Breathe, Jagiya.  Stop holding your breath.  Please,” the male begged.

A screeching noise rung into your ears as you began to recall the car accident.  Your eyes opened.  Sehun’s face hovered over yours. 

“Sehun…” you murmured weakly. 

“Oh my God.  I’m here.  I’m here.  Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep, okay?  The ambulance will be here soon,” Sehun pleaded.

You nodded your head, which was elevated from the ground by Sehun’s hands. 

“I can’t feel my legs,” you faintly said, lifting your feeble body to observe the damage.

Sehun frantically pushed you back down to keep you from moving. 

Liquid still flowed from your inner thighs.  And it finally hit you; you were bleeding.  But you weren’t only bleeding; you were having signs of a miscarriage.  

“Sehun.  Sehun,” you thrashed your arms around and cried, “B-baby.  The baby!”

Desperately, he attempted to stop you from moving around again. 

“Shh. Shh…It’ll be fine,” his voice was lined with uncertainty. 

You burst into tears.  Water trails streamed down the corners of your eyes.  Your hand grabbed onto your stomach as you mentally tried to keep the baby from slipping away.

“Youngwoo-yah…” you wailed, “Sehun…save our baby.”

“Shh…_________ah, you have to stop moving around,” he brought his face against yours.

“B-baby. Baby,” you kept repeating, unsure if your voice was even audible anymore. 

Your pelvic area felt completely numb.

Take me.  Don’t take Youngwoo.  Please.  Don’t take him.  Please.  Please. 

Your body shook convulsively as you wept in fear. 

If I don’t breathe, will you forgive me and save Youngwoo?

“Mommy,” you heard your own voice call. 

Sirens rang down the street.  Within a minute, you were raised onto a stretcher and wheeled into the ambulance. 

“Blood lost.  Trauma to the head.  About eight months pregnant,” an EMT summarized and then tapped your arm, “Ma’am.  Ma’am, can you hear me?”

You nodded and then grabbed her arm and begged, “Save my baby, please.”

“________ah,” Sehun the side of your head. 

“We will try our best,” the EMT replied. 

They flipped you over to your side.  With your face staring straight at the metal walls of the ambulance, you finally realized the amount of blood that trickled from the back of your head to your face.  You hissed in pain when a needle penetrated your scalp over and over again as they tried to stitch up the wound. 

In the midst of the stitching, you flailed your hand out to call for the nurse’s attention, but Sehun grabbed onto it instead. 

“Don’t focus on my wound, please.  My baby…” you requested as you started to feel the muscles of your stomach tighten and then release over and over again. 

“She’s having contractions,” the nurse notified the technician. 

The ambulance came to a stop and you were wheeled into the hospital.  Nurses, doctors, and technicians crowded around you spurting out words you couldn’t comprehend.  All you understood was the fact that your blood pressure was dangerously low and the trauma had damaged your placenta. 

“Does that mean the baby is gone?” you heard Sehun ask and then whisper, “Save ________.  As long as she is safe—“

“Sehun!  What are you telling the doctor? No.  No.  No,” you squirmed around, hysterically sobbing. 

The doctor replied, “We will have to induce labor right away or else the baby will die in the mother’s uterus.”

“What about _______?  Will she be okay?” Sehun asked but you cut him short.

“Do it.  Do whatever you need to save my baby,” you said determined. 

“_______ah…” your fiancé squeezed your arm and pleaded for you to think more rationally but you were stubborn. 

As they wheeled you into a new room, Sehun followed closely, never letting go of your hand.  You’re slightly angry with Sehun but the fear of losing Youngwoo stampeded over everything else.

As the doctors injected you with a medication, you tugged on Sehun’s hand and whimpered, “I’m scared.”

your hair, he looked up as if to pray.  Silently, you also said a quick prayer to the Heavens or just anyone – anyone who would save your son. 

As soon as the contractions began, the pain was so great that your body bent backwards.  You groaned, clawing at Sehun’s hand.  Gasping for air, you could have sworn you were dying.  You tore at your throbbing abdomen and you never thought something could be so numb but in so much pain at the same time.  A frantic Sehun constantly wiped the sweat from your forehead. 

Minutes passed like hours.  At one point, you felt your body fall limp, depleted of energy. The room spun in front of you and you grabbed on Sehun’s hand to balance yourself because you knew you could not die now – not until Youngwoo was safe. 

“Breathe.  Deep breaths,” the doctor said.

But she told me not to breathe.

But you do.  You do anyway because even if it meant that you were going to burn in the depths of Hell you would do it for the safety of your son.  Because that’s what mothers do.  They would sacrifice themselves for their child…even if your mother didn’t.

“Breathe, Jagiya,” Sehun ordered when he caught you holding your breath again. 

“Inhale.  Exhale,” the doctor added. 

You do so.  You do it as if it’s the last thing you do.  Slowly, the pain subsided a little and you calmed down.    

“You’re doing great, _________,” your son’s father acknowledged, kissing you on top of your head as an encouragement. 

The doctor checked to see if you were fully dilated and then instructed for you to begin pushing.  in distress, you willed your baby to come out.  Your insides were burning as if someone had lit a torch and sealed it into your stomach.  Exhausted, your body dropped lifeless onto the bed.  Sehun’s voice called for you but it grew quieter and quieter until all you heard was white noise. 

Fairies danced around you, tying a ribbon onto your petite waist.  The melody of the harp was soft like a lullaby.  Stars twinkled in the distance and you jumped up to capture one.  As you opened your palms, an angel emerged.  She took your hand and led you to a small swaying cradle.  But it was empty. 

Youngwoo…

“Youngwoo!” you shouted as your consciousness returned. 

A pulsation ran through your abdomen and you screamed out in pain.  But as soon as you recovered, you instinctively continued pushing.  You pushed and pushed and pushed.  A new film of cold sweat lined your temples.    

“Jagiya, take a break.  Slow down,” Sehun demanded and the doctor nodded in agreement. 

“No.  No.  I can handle it,” you suggested, even though every inch of your body was in flames. 

“_______ah, Please,” he begged.

Finally, you noticed the growing stumble under his chin and the wrinkles across his forehead.  His lips were pale white and chapped and he appeared on the verge of collapsing.  It broke your heart to see your lover like this. 

With watery eyes you prepared to break his heart again, “I have to, Sehun.  I have to.  I’m scared.  I’m so scared that if I don’t do this now, our baby will die.”

“I know.  I know, _______ah.  I am just as scared but you are scaring me to death.  You can’t see yourself but your face is blue.  You’re ice cold one minute but scorching like fire the next,” he explained, closing his eyes in agony. 

“_________ssi, let’s take a short