Nichkhun’s POV

 

All he wanted to do was collapse. His muscles were aching, he’s got a massive headache and worse, his day was only starting. It’s been hours since he left his bed, but he could still imagine the way it hugs his body. Sleep was a luxury these days, one he couldn’t afford anymore.

 

He dragged himself to the training room. He had a performance that afternoon and he wanted to get one last rehearsal in before lunch time. Ever since he released his solo album it’s been non-stop guest performances and interviews. On one hand he is ecstatic. This has been his dream for so long. But on the other hand—well, he can’t afford to think about that either. Funny how as his bank account increases, there are more things he can’t afford. Basic needs. Or love. He quickly shook the idea away. Out of all the things he can’t afford, love was the one thing that was most untouchable.

 

“Hey man!” the upbeat voice of Wooyoung filled the hallway. He smiled at his best friend.

“Hey!” They exchanged a quick hug, followed by their signature hand shake.

“How are you doing?”

“Beat,” he answered honestly. “You?”

“I imagine faring a little better than you. Haven’t seen you in weeks. You have a few minutes? I got something for you.”

 

He allowed his entourage to proceed without him. He could spare a few minutes to have a small chat with Wooyoung. They sat at the bench near the locker room. Wooyoung reached into his bag.

 

“Remember you asked me to clean out your locker a couple of weeks ago?” Wooyoung handed him a small package. He started picking things out and found himself holding an unopened letter.

 

“I found that letter inside your locker. I texted you about it but when you didn’t reply I thought I’ll just give it to you when we run into each other.”

 

Cold dread spread inside him as he recognized the handwriting.

 

“Who’s it from? It only has your name on it.”

 

“Anna.”

 

“Oh.”

 

He remembered vaguely that day she came a month ago. It’s all a blur now, but he knew she was hurting. He remembered it in her voice. He didn’t, couldn’t look at her because he was afraid his emotions would betray him and the pain would be too much and he couldn’t afford it then. Once again, another thing he couldn’t afford.

 

“You need a moment?”

 

He gave Wooyoung a nod who clapped his back encouragingly before leaving. When his friend was gone he slowly opened the letter.

 

It’s like the world had gone silent and only his heart was making a sound. Heavy beats as every word on the page jumped at him like a moth to a flame.

 

You’re still the one here in my heart. And I don’t think it’ll change.

 

She mentioned something about forgetting but how could he? How could he forget when the entire letter was a reminder that they used to be each other’s world? He saw endless fields with her. Blue skies that stretched for miles. She was his paradise. Until real world came and he had to wake up to the reality that he could never be that guy—the one who ran the rice fields and settled under a tree. He was too much of a dreamer. And she was a different dream.

 

He was trembling by the time he finished reading but he didn’t realize it until he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was a surprise that he didn’t end up hitting the person who disturbed him.

 

“Are you alright?” he found himself face to face with his worried manager. “You’re pale.”

 

He shook his head, to assure his manager that he’s okay, and to clear his head of her.

 

“I’m fine, nothing a little bit of rest won’t cure,” he lied. Deep inside he knew what could cure his malady. Only sadly, the cure was thousands of miles away.

 

“Should I call practice off?”

 

“No need,” he said as he pulled himself off the bench. “Practice is exactly what I need right now.”

 

It would take his mind off her a little more effectively. Or at least he hoped it would as he dragged himself into the practice room after his manager. She said something about forgetting. He already was.

 

***

 

NICHKHUN NO. 1! NICHKHUN NO. 1!

 

The screams were still ringing through his ears. Even now as he rushes through the hallways of the dome to his waiting van he could still hear them, clamoring for more. How he wanted to return for them. But time was up and that was all they paid for. That was all his management and producers would allow for them to have.

 

He quickly entered his van, determined to leave. He was a contradiction of things: he wanted to go back for his fans but at the same time he couldn’t get away fast enough. He couldn’t wait to get some rest, however short of a time that might be. He felt the van moving but no sooner have they exited the gate they screeched into a halt.

 

“What the!” he screamed as sleep left his body.

“Someone crossed in front of the van!” his driver grumbled apologetically. Instinctively he looked out his window, wanting to know if anyone was hurt. And that’s when he saw her. A familiar face.

“Hyung,” he called out to his driver. “Wait!”

“Why,” his manager asked. He looked out the window again, searching. But he didn’t find her.

“I thought I saw someone,” he mumbled. Of course, it was impossible. Anna’s younger sister Annette was only 15—she would never just randomly appear in the city by herself. Then it made him think. Was Anna there too?

“Are you okay?” he heard his manager ask. He nodded absentmindedly. He had to remind himself that Anna was no longer his problem.