Anna’s POV

 

I have to see him. Despite my mother’s strong disapproval, I knew I had to. If I didn’t, I would regret it. And I hate regrets. I don’t really have time for them.

 

I arrived in Seoul 3 hours ago. It was a long journey from my small hometown but I didn’t mind. I also don’t mind the late hour. I’ve sort of always been a night person. My eyes are too sensitive to light. During summer I have to wear sunglasses when I go out. There’s that and then there’s the evening breeze. I like the evening breeze better. Always so much colder. See, apart from being sensitive to light, I also don’t like warm temperature. My mother says it’s because I was born in winter. I say it’s because I sweat a lot when it’s warm.

 

I look at the clock on the wall at the far end of the hallway. 10 pm. I have been sitting here outside his practice room for exactly 2 hours now. I told him I will wait for him. He only shook his head in disbelief, which I can interpret in whatever way I want. If he didn’t want me to stay he could have just said no, right? But since he didn’t, here I am. Still waiting for him.

 

Though, I know I really don’t have the right to anymore. You see, we broke up 2 months ago. He started preparing for his solo album half a year ago. And he was already too busy to begin with, this added feat only took more time away from us. I was a brat—I know that. But only because I love him too much. Back then, it felt that I was going to die if I didn’t get to see him. And so, even if what he needed from me was support, I only gave him stress. And I made him choose. My biggest mistake.

 

I really should have been more understanding and supportive. But I was new to this whole relationship thing. He was my first boyfriend. He is my first love. And our love story was such a fairytale I never wanted to wake up from it. I mean after all, he was 1/6^th of the much beloved idol group 2PM. They are HUGE! And here I was, a mere provincial lass. Who would have thought he’d ever fall in love with someone like me? I didn’t. And even when we were together already I still couldn’t believe. I guess that’s where my insecurity is rooted. What did he ever see in me?

 

We met when his group came to our small town to shoot a CF. Our house was one of the three major B&Bs in town and together with his group mates he stayed at our place. I remember shooing away the other girls who were trying to get a glimpse of the boys. I didn’t want our guests disturbed. But the truth was I wanted to scream and squeal together with these girls. They are only the most gorgeous human beings I have ever met. The group stayed for a week. The CF shoot was only a couple of days but they liked the place so much they decided to take a few days break. And I became their tour guide. By the end of the week I was one of the boys.

 

But not to him. From day 1 he had this special look for me. I only realized it when he finally told me he wanted to keep in touch. I couldn’t believe it at first. But then everything started unfolding right before my eyes. For a month we were texting and calling each other nonstop. He told me I make him smile. I told him he makes me blush, which made him laugh. He said I never fail to do it. I never fail to make him happy. After a month he invited me to the city, to watch their concert. My mother didn’t approve of course. But when he personally called my mother and asked permission she eventually said yes. I came to the city for the first time. I was in awe. My stomach was turning nonstop. I couldn’t breathe. But it had nothing to do with the city at all. My eyes were all set on him. He was the only attraction that caught my eye. And I was the one who caught his.

 

After that first time our rendezvous became more often. I usually would go to wherever city he was performing at. Every time I would cheer my heart out. Every time, I would give a little more of me to him. Our relationship lasted a year and a half. Eventually I got tired of always going. Of always being the one who meets him. We tried it the other way but that only ended in disaster. His schedule was becoming heavier. He couldn’t afford to come to me. But at that time, that was the only thing I wanted from him. I wanted, needed assurance. I became clingy. I became demanding. I thought I was the only one giving. I didn’t realize how much he had given me already. Too much and it came to a point where he couldn’t give anymore. But I didn’t see that. And so our relationship ended.

 

And now here I am. 2 months after everything, here I am. I came. Because if I didn’t I know I would regret it. And I don’t have time for that.

 

10:10. I saw the door opening. I stood up, sensing that it was him. And my senses didn’t fail me. He emerged from his practice room all dressed up and ready to go. I saw him scowl when he saw me. It broke my heart a little more.

 

“What are you still doing here?” he asked, his voice neutral.

“I told you I’d wait for you—“

“Yes, you did but that doesn’t answer my question.”

“P-please don’t be like this,” I replied, my voice cracking a little. I could feel his coldness seeping into my being. I was losing confidence in what I had to do.

“I’m very busy.”

“I know you are,” I said. “I’m not asking for a lot of your time. I’m only asking for some.”

 

It took him a moment to reply. I waited, heart pounding in anticipation. He didn’t even look at me. And without seeing his eyes I realized, I couldn’t tell what he’s thinking.

 

“Please,” I begged. He shook his head.

“Haven’t we been through this before? You were always asking for time I don’t have.” He still didn’t meet my gaze. “I’m sorry—“

“Please, Nich, please,” I pleaded. Tears escaped my eyes. Tears he couldn’t see. “Two hours, that’s all I ask, please…”

 

Without looking at me he broke my heart even more.

 

“Go home Anna,” he said. “I really don’t have time to spare.”

 

I watched him walk away from me. He didn’t even toss me a single look. More tears escape my eyes.

 

“So do I,” I whispered as he disappeared from my sight completely. I felt my knees grow weak and I had to return to where I was previously seated to regain some strength. I choked on my tears and a dry cough escapes my lungs. I covered my mouth and tried to stabilize my breathing. When I finally took my hand away from my mouth it didn’t really surprise me when I saw it. I quickly took a handkerchief from my bag and wiped the red liquid off my palm. When it was all gone I took the letter I had in my pocket and headed to the locker room of the boys. I quickly located his locker and dropped the letter inside—just like the old times. When it was inside, when it was finally out of my hands I hurriedly left. I exited the building then ran. I ran like I never ran before.

 

I didn’t really know where I was headed. But I was running. The tears came back and I was crying. Running. Crying. Things I shouldn’t be doing. But all I wanted to do was run and cry. I remember what I wrote word per word. How I wish I could say those words directly to him. But I didn’t get my chance. What’s funny is I can’t even blame him. Even though my heart was hurting I cannot blame him.

 

Dear Nich,

 

Honey! Honey! Honey! Honey! Ahh! I could just say those words forever. I know it doesn’t matter anymore but because I didn’t get to call you that often when we were still together this letter will have to do. I have so much to say to you. But I know you don’t have a lot of time. So I’ll make this as short as possible. And then after this I’ll be out of your hair forever. Promise!

 

I know we parted in not so good terms. And don’t worry, I know and I acknowledge that it’s my fault. I was immature and I didn’t know a lot of things. But you see, I never really had practice before so you have to allow me some excuse. I’m not saying you should just forget about every wrong thing I did. I’m just asking you to understand a little. Suffice to say I won’t be making those mistakes anymore. I’ve learned my lesson and it’s all bittersweetly thanks to you. Yah, can you be proud just a little? I am admitting my mistakes. That’s a sign that I’ve matured right? Right? 

 

Which leads me to the next point of this letter: honey, I’m very sorry! I really am. You were very good to me but I took it all for granted. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to forgive me and get back with me. Only your forgiveness is needed. And it doesn’t even have to be soon. You can do it on your own time. See? I’m not demanding time from you anymore. Again, I’ve matured, right?

 

Honey, honey, honey, honey! Thank you! You made me very happy. I know I didn’t tell you that enough. And I know I should have. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Even now, even when we’re not together anymore I am still very happy. Because I came to know you. And you loved me. Even if it didn’t last, I still felt what it was to be loved by you. And I love you. This is just a little secret ok? And you have to forget it as soon as you read it. You’re still the one here in my heart. And I don’t think it’ll change. And now you’ve forgotten what you’ve read! Don’t ask me about it ok? I won’t say it again.

 

I won’t say a lot of things again. And I won’t be seeing you. I’ll try hard not to be very sad about it. So you shouldn’t feel sad about it too anymore. And if you are still angry I hope you can let that go. So that you don’t have to carry a lot in your heart. So in time you’ll have space for someone new in there. And I’ll be ok with it. I promise. Because I just want you to be happy. And with that I’m alright with everything else. This letter is already too long. I’m already breaking one promise.

 

Goodbye Nichkhun. Sorry for causing you pain. Thank you for the love. Goodbye.

 

Anna