Chapter 7 – what are you afraid of?

PRESENT

Almost immediately after the plane landed, Taeyeon her phone. As always, she got hundreds of notifications: tweets, instagram updates, missed calls and messages by producers who want to work with her on her solo album, other singers, friends and family. But no Baekhyun. There was nothing from him. Maybe he was still mad...

Taeyeon looked at her watch. It passed 2am. It was late, she shouldn't bother him. Moreover, time difference and being jetlagged were awful things. It would have been a terrible idea to call him just to hear his voice. She also wondered: was it wrong of her to feel like this? How was she supposed to feel? Who could tell her? How could the fans say he didn't deserve her or vica-versa? How could they know? And what about their feelings? Why couldn't they get it that they loved each other?

There were, there are and there will be lots of co-productions between S.M. artists and fans tend to ship or hate them. The echo of the SMTOWN incident silenced after a while and she felt like it was okay to follow his carrier. As she was his sunbae, a senior. Her curiosity was a normal thing, wasn't it? Why can't she be interested in what was going on with him? Following his instagram account was really such a big deal? For the anti-fans it was. And all of them blamed Taeyeon. 'What do you want from our oppa?' 'Just because you're famous you can't do everything.'

Why not? She never got it. Every people have the right to follow others, they could share their opinions, they could be anything and everything. Why couldn't she?

“Don't beat yourself up. EXO has some crazy fans,” Hyoyeon assured her back then. She understood because she was the part of S.M. The Performance and there were rumours about her and Sehun. She got hate, too. Of course, SNSD was popular but they could never ever dream about to have what EXO had. Because they were a girl group and not boys. It's the inevitable truth.

In the end, she settled with the casual ‘Have a safe flight’ instead of something clingy or drastic. She wasn’t mad because of their fight. Despite the hurtful words that passed between them, anger wasn’t boiling up in her insides. It was replaced by sadness and sorrow digging their nails into her skin to tear the flash open. She felt hollow and it hurt like no other physical pain. Maybe ripping out her heart would have been close but not quite.

Scars on the surface were well-seen and people cared but the hurt inside was invisible. Everyone around her were smiling and she also had to because they didn’t know. They shouldn’t know. She was an idol, an icon after all. She should have been perfect – but she wasn’t. And so far, Baekhyun was her favourite mistake.

When she agreed to date him, she made a deal with the Devil. Now, it was time to pay.

But what if the price is too high?

2013

He called her more often asking an advice for a vocal lesson or her opinion about a song or simply just asking about her day. She tried to be angry – at least a little bit because they were busy. Moreover, it wasn’t normal, rather suspicious and she didn’t want him to misunderstand. But she didn’t mind really. Talking with him was familiar yet fresh and exciting, it made her heart flutter. He was a good conversation partner or a mood-maker if needed – he cheered her up and made her laugh more than once. He could be serious too and their topic list seemed never-ending. He suddenly dropped the formality when it was just them and she found herself wondering: would she stop herself if he wasn’t younger, if they weren’t idols or if the time was right? It was scary how easily he made her feel a little more whole than before. With him, she wasn’t lonely. She was happy.

Taeyeon let her heart open up a little. Maybe it was the lights, the all-night practices or Christmas, she didn’t know. After a New Year special SBS recording she found herself agreeing to grab a coffee with Baekhyun. It was a dark night but the stars lighted up the sky. They sat in a little shop close-by which he liked and hid in a small corner snipping from their drinks.