1
When Things Fall Apart
I took another sip of my now-cooled hot chocolate as I wrapped the thick blanket around me tighter to my body. I continued to stare into space, hoping my boyfriend, Hyunseung, would show up any minute now.This has become a habit of his, being late, sometimes not showing up at all. I'd always have to wait, an hour, if I'm lucky, for him to show up. Being "Jang Hyunseung's girlfriend" isn't all it's worked up to be. Our relationship was a secret, so it was extremely hard and risky to go out in public. We'd always have to stay low and unnoticed, meaning Hyunseung would always have to wear a gigantic hoodie and these ridiculous sunglasses to stay covered.This was all due to Hynseung's stardom. He wouldn’t even introduce me to his band members… I never knew why.
I shut my eyes for a moment, just imagining being within his grasp. His strong arms wrapped securely around me and his soft lips trailing sweet kisses around my face, the most serene feeling in the world. I love how I’d always end up falling asleep against his chest, hearing the pleasing rhythm of his constant heartbeat-
My thoughts soon became interrupted by a loud knocking on my front door. My eyes shot open, and I had almost dropped my half empty mug. I quickly set the mug on the coffee table and unraveled myself from my blanket, eagerly rushing towards the banging door.
‘It’s about time’
My heart lifted as I opened up. At my doorstep, an exhausted and grumpy-looking Hyunseung stood, sweat filling his forehead and his hair was in a giant, tangled mess. "Today was horrible," he spat and pushed past me into my apartment and frustratingly rubbed his face and tangled his fingers in his hair.
‘Well hello to you too’
Closing the door, I sighed and came over to him, taking his warm hand. “You just need some rest,” I stated and cupped his face, removing his bangs from his droopy eyes. I studied them carefully; they both contained multiple bags under them. He looked like he could pass out any second now, poor guy.
“I wish, but I have another early schedule tomorrow… I can’t stay long,” he said, expressionless.
I let out a heavy sigh. “B-but you just got here,” I complained and pouted.
“I’m sorry ____________, it’s my job,” Hyunseung stated, clearly growing even more frustrated.
“It’s not fair!” I stubbornly whined, “I never get to see you.”
“____________, there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change my schedule,” Hyunseung calmly spoke, but his eyes made him look completely struggled.
“Hyunseung, for the past 6 months, everything has revolved around you and your schedule. Where’s the time for me? I’m your girlfriend for crying out loud. Do you even try to make time for me?!” I retorted.
The look on Hyunseung’s face said it all. He was getting extremely impatient and angry. “I DON’T HAVE ALOT OF ING TIME FOR YOU! YES YOU MAY BE MY GIRLFRIEND, BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE! I CAN’T BE WITH YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERYDAY, I HAVE A JOB! I’M BUSY! WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?! THIS IS MY DREAM, ___________, TO PERFORM! I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU QUIT BEING A BURDEN TO ME AND SUPPORT ME FOR ONCE! DAMN! YOU KNEW, YOU ING KNEW THAT BEING MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT GOING TO BE SIMPLE! WHY THE ARE YOU COMPLAINING?!” Hyunseung hollered and scolded.
Those words pierced my heart. That was the first time Hyunseung had ever raised his voice at me. I had never seem him so... mad, this shocked us both.
Angrily, Hyunseung turned and stormed out the door, slamming it on his way out.
Teardrops filled my eyes and they began to start rolling down. I picked this fight. I made him enraged when I knew that he was already frustrated. How stupid could I get? I was being so selfish, I immediately regret everything I had said to him.
But… he walked out on me.“Hyunseung,” I whispered as more tears came.
… I’m a burden to him…
At that moment, was the start if the ending. The moment where things started falling apart...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was impossible for me to gain any sleep that night after the 'incident'. Somehow, I managed to get a couple hours in after I relaxed a bit. I kept on staring at the empty space beside me the whole night. Hyunseung should be here, with me. We should be falling asleep in eachother's arms and peacefully sleeping, dreaming about eachother, and waking up to a bright and early sun like how we use to.
However, all that was on my mind was how mad Hyunseung was. Those eyes were full of anger and hatred, Hyunseung completely blew up last night. We've had many fights in the past, but none compared to this one. Usually, I'd be the one raising my voice and screaming at him, since I was such a stubborn person. He'd always be the one to make it all better, to calm me down, to grab my face and kiss my anger away. Not this time.
I instantly woke up to the sound of my noisy cellphone ringing. Who would be calling this early in the morning? I lazily unplugged it from the charger and picked up to an unknown caller.
“Hello is this Park ________?” an american man’s voice asked through the other line in English.
“Yes, this is she,” I answered and quietly yawned listening to the man talk.
"Here at our Photography Business, we are very familliar with your work, __________. I believe your parents have sent in many of your pictures and I must say they are truly amazing. You have quite the talent, dear. Now, I'm calling to discuss a job opening with you," the man said. A gasp escaped my lips as the man on the other line revealed to me how I was offered a job offering. Also, I would get my very own apartment only a couple blocks down from the building and the salary is twice what I make currently. Everything was perfect about this job!
I would’ve immediately accepted the offering right then and there… but the job was in the states. I’d have to leave Korea; I’d have to leave my life and memories behind. I'd have to leave all my friends. Most importantly...I’d have to leave Hyunseung. Deep down, I knew this offering wasn't worth it, leaving all this behind.
I sighed, telling the nice man that I’d consider it, keeping it in mind. He seemed pretty satisfied with that. I thanked him and hung up, throwing my phone on my bed and rubbing my face with my palms. This was such a hard descision to make. I could stay here, living in contentment and continue to secretly date Hyunseung or I could leave, go to the states, live my dream, and leave Hyunseung behind.
No, what as I thinking, I could never leave Hyunseung… but this is my dream, something I’ve longed for my entire life.
I continued to ponder about it the rest of the day. My stomach was tied into a worried knot. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think straight. I just sat on my couch and tightly hug a pillow, thinking about everything that's been going on lately.
I decided to call Hyunseung a couple hours later,mainly to check if he’s okay and not still upset about last night.
I dialed his number ,which I knew by heart, and waited as I heard ringing.
“Yeoboseyo?” I heard Hyunseung answer, sounding completely exhausted. My heart slighty sped as I heard the sound of his sweet, angelic voice. “Hyunseung it’s me,” I spoke, hoping he'd have time to talk.
“Oh… hey,” He replied, sounding slightly annoyed.
My face fell. I could tell, deep down that he’s still a little mad about last night. I don’t blame him; it was my fault for picking that fight. “I-I was just wondering if you were okay… you know after last night,” I questioned, praying he wasn't still mad.
“Uh yeah, I slept on it so um… I feel better now,” he said, a little relief swept through me. “I-I’m sorry…” I whispered and gulped. I was always the first to apologize (a horrible habit of mine). I always wanted problems and troubles to end quickly and easily, so I'd always be the bigger person and apologize.
Hyunseung stayed silent for a while, until I heard him sigh,“I-“he was cut off by someone yelling at him in the background. “Yah Hyunseung-ah, who are you talking to? We have to rehearse the routine again.”
“Oh, it’s no one important. Yes hyung,” Hyunseung pronounced and quickly hung up.
I gasped at his words. Now I understand why he never wanted to introduce me to his group members…
'I'm no one important'
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The rain came harshly pouring down as I hurriedly sprinted back into my apartment with the mail gripped tightly in my hand, over my head, trying to cover myself, retaining from getting wet. This was my favorite blouse!
I entered my apartment and threw the mail down on the counter, running to the bathroom for a towel to dry myself off.
I came back, minutes later in comfy grey sweats and a loose tee with my hair tied in a messy bun ready to sort through the huge pile of my pointless mail.
I threw away most of the advertisements and coupons I didn’t need and kept my bills. I came across a very thick orange envelope with my name on it, the postage saying it was from the U.S. I quickly ripped the package open to find it was of course, from the job offering in America, attempting to persuade me to accept. The envelop was filled with brochures, paperworks, pictures, and letters. I looked through each one of them carefully.
This is my dream.
To be able to take pictures here and there, to travel the world. Everything was flawless, all except… the location.
Although, right now… I really am strongly considering this job, Hyunseung was my one and only reason of staying. However, right now, I’m really doubting our relationship and questioning if he really loves me or not.
I sighed and glanced at the stack of papers. I should take this job… but is it worth losing Hyunseung?
After an hour of thinking, I still came with no answer.
I peered out the window to see the rain had stopped, the sky was clearing up. I smiled and rushed to my window and opened it, letting the cool air enter my living room. I love the weather after it rains, its claming and soothing.
...It reminds me of how I had met Hyunseung.
The rain had finally cleared up after a week of the clouds pouring. My cable had been cut due to the intense wind and lightning. Stuck with nothing to do, I slipped on my boots and sweater, heading out of my apartment into the cool air. I always loved that weather of coming outside after the rain.
I walked around the city, grabbing some ice cream and checking out the thrift stores along the way. I walked past happy couples and families and smiled, they all looked so joyful. I stopped at the park and took a seat on the bench, resting my legs. I saw a few happy children playing on the slides and swings along with parents making sure their kids were eating.
I finished my ice cream and went to throw it away. I tossed the trash in the bin and headed back to the bench, pulling out my phone and playing with it.
Suddenly, a little boy ran towards me with a worried and scared expression plastered on his face. "Noona! Noona help! I can't find my hyung! I was playing on the swing and now I can't find him! Please help, please," the little boy begged. "Okay, okay, noona will help, what does your hyung look like?"
The little boy put on a cute thinking face a I chuckled at how cute he looked. "Uh, he's wearing a jacket!" he finally stated.
"What color is his jacket?" I asked and the boy put on his thinking face, again. "I think it was blue!" he shouted and I nodded, scanning the park for anyone wearing blue.
"I don't think I see anyone wearing a blue jacket," I said and the boy's face grew scared again. I softened and held the boy's hand, "Don't worry, noona will stay with you until you find your hyung, okay?"
The little boy smiled and nodded. "Thank you noona, thank you, thank you!" he exclaimed and gave me a hug. I smiled at his sudden action. He was the cutest thing! We both walked the entire park, searching for a guy in a blue jacket.
We couldn't find anyone. This was getting hopeless. Just when I was about to give up, a voice shouted behind us. "Yah! Jaesun!"
The little boy turned and exclaimed "Hyung!" I turned to see a sweaty boy, around my age, running to the little boy and picking him up. "Hyung! I've been looking for you!"
"I have too, Jaesun-ah," the boy answered and gave Jaesun a peck on the cheek. "Yeah, good thing noona was here to help me," Jaesun stated and they both turned to me. Once I had made eye-contact with Hyunseung, it was like love-at-first-sight. We were both speechless and my cheeks started turning a little pink.
"T-thank y-you, for h-helping my little c-cousin find m-me," he stuttered, which I found really cute. "It's really no problem," I assured and gave a small smile.
From there on, me and Hyunseung were talking non-stop and 2 months later... he confessed to me, which of course, I accepted.
And it all was thanks to cute little Jaesoon.
I smiled at the memory, it was one I'll never forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-2 Weeks Later-
“Yah! GET UP _________, YOU LAZY ! IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!” I heard my best friend Eun Mi scream as she threw a couch pillow at me.
“Huh?” I muffled under the millions of pillows surrounding me on my bed. It was about 7 in the morning, and I did not get any sleep the previous night (I had to work over-time at my job). What was she doing up so early?
She my lights and pulled off the gigantic blanket and beadspread covering me. I groaned. Don't get my wrong, I love the girl, she's been my best friend since kinder, but no one, I mean no one, bothers me while I'm sleeping. No one. She should know that by now.
“Why so early?!” I complained and buried my head back in my pillows. I’m really starting to regret telling her where I kept my spare key.
Eun Mi rolled her eyes and scoffed, “You’re impossible,” she scolded and headed out my room.
Finally~
I went back to sleep with a smile spread through my lips. But... I spoke too soon.
She came running back in from my bathroom and jumped back on my bed flicking the water from her wet hands onto my face.
“YAH! Okay, fine I’m up, I’m up!” I shouted and slumped out of bed. I turned to Eun Mi, who had a big triumphed smile on her face, and stuck my tongue out at her. "Come on _________-ah, it's your birthday. You should be jumping out of bed with a SMILE.
I gave her a dirty look and lazily trudged to the bathroom. I cleaned up my face and brushed my wild hair. After a couple of minutes, I stepped out of the bathroom in a messy bun with my Pikachu slippers on my feet. Eun Mi finished lighting 19 candles on a huge cake I knew she had made. She was really into baking and dreamed of opening her own bakery one day.
“There you go ___________, happy birthday. Even though it’s too early to eat cake, it’s your birthday, so we can go crazy,” she joked and I softly chuckled. “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear ____________, Happy Birthday to you~” she sang and I blew out all 19 candles. She clapped her hands and cut both of us a slice. I began to dig in to the strawberry cake; it was absolutely scrumptious, as usual. After a couple huge slices, I was completely stuffed… there goes my breakfast.
“So ___________, what’s Hyunseung getting for you?” Eun Mi asked as she cleaned up and brought the two plates to the sink. I stopped dead tracks with wide eyes at the mention of his name.
Eun Mi was the only one who knew about me and Hyunseung because one: she’s my best friend and two:she kind of caught us snuggling on the couch one night (again, I regret telling her where I hid my spare key). She was the only person I could trust and the only person I could go to vent to.
I didn’t say a word, instead I was wondering if Hyunseung actually remembered. What am I thinking? Of course he would remember, we’ve been together for almost 3 years now… he has to remember. I quickly pulled out my phone for any messages of any sort from him.
None. Not one.
My heart deflated at the thought of him actually forgetting.
“___________?” Eun Mi asked and came out of the kitchen to see my cheerless face. “He forgot, didn’t he?”
“N-no, he can’t,” I blankly said and could feel tears forming. Eun Mi quickly ran over and pulled me into a tight hug. “__________-ah, it’s okay, don’t cry. He’s probably just busy right now.”
He’s always busy.
“He’ll remember. He’s probably just going to surprise you later on! You never know! It’s okay, I’ll take you shopping and then to that café you love today alright? My present to you!” Eun Mi cheered and a small smile came across my lips.
Eun Mi always knew how to perk me up. But even she can’t keep the truth from happening.
Hyunseung forgot my birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Throughout the day, Eun Mi took me to all my favorite places. My favorite cafe around the corner, Hello Kitty Store, Pokemon Store, and several thrift shops.I had lots of fun and bought many things... too many things. But no matter how much fun I was having, Hyunseung kept on lingering in my thoughts.
I secretly checked my phone constantly, when Eun Mi wasn’t looking for any calls/messages from him, no hope. Not one message from Hyunseung. I even tried to call him once, but it went straight to voicemail. I sighed and put on a fake smile for Eun Mi although deep down, I wanted to run all the way to BEAST's dorm and confront Hyunseung.
It was around 8 when Eun Mi dropped me off at my apartment and left, wishing me happy birthday for the millionth time today. I smiled and thanked her for the wonderful trip and amazing birthday.
I came into my lonely apartment and slumped on the couch, dropping my millions of shopping bags next to the couch. I drew out my phone for the final time to check my message box... empty and dead like it's been the entire day. I sighed as pain entered my heart.
He really did forget. This really did it.
I sighed as an idea popped into my head.
I ran to my closet and pulled out a new blouse I’ve been dying to wear. I quickly changed into it and slipped on the pumps Eun Mi got me for Christmas. I kept my jeans on and re-did my make-up and hair.
I dug through my old things from my “High School Box” which was buried deep inside my closet.I pulled out the fake ID I used to get into clubs with Eun Mi during our senior year (I was a bit rebellious back then).
Then,I left my apartment to do something I never thought I’d be doing in a long time…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The club was almost packed with people and the music was practically banging out the speakers which encircled the entire club. The bouncer uneasily let me in after I showed him my fake ID, and I quickly headed to the crowded bar, handing the bartender my card. People were all grinding on eachother on the dancefloor which was over-flowing with sweaty, drunk people. I scoffed as I smelled cigarettes/alcohol in their breaths.
I chugged down another bottle of vodka followed by almost nine shots now.I had decided to drink my problems away. It was the craziest and stupidest idea I had ever thought of, although I didn't feel the least bit drunk. I sighed as the bar tender handed me another shot and I quickly drank it down as it burned down my throat.
So much for a happy birthday. My so-called boyfriend couldn't even remember it.
Just when I was about to chug down another bottle of vodka I ordered, I heard some people screaming with excitement. “OMO! IT’S BEAST!” I heard some girls yell and my attention quickly turned to the group of boys walking in towards what seemed like the V.I.P. area… and there he was. There was Hyunseung… with a girl on his arm. A girl!
My eyes widened as my heart shattered. I put down the vodka and pushed my way to the area where BEAST was heading into. I glanced past the bouncers to see Hyunseung with his band mates all laughing and enjoying themselves. Then, the girl he entered with came and sat down happily on his lap and he did nothing. Nothing at all, he just continued to laugh at a joke Dongwoon told which caused the whole area to crack up. Tears blurred my vision and I did nothing to hold them back. They practically spilled down my face as I saw the image of Hyunseung and the girl. So this is how he is, this is what he's doing while I'm at my apartment all alone and worried sick about where he is.
He was doing this. He was cheating. And that did it… that was the last straw.
I ran out of the club and all the way back to my apartment not caring if my feet were killing me due to the pumps. I didn't care that it was freezing outside, or that I was jaywalking. I needed to get away... anywhere.
I burst into my apartment and slammed the door shut, sliding down against the door as my blouse was now drenched in my tears. My hair was all tangled in a mess, my mascara and eyeliner, smeared against my pale face. I knew I looked terrible, I didn't need a mirror to show. But I felt worst than I looked.
It was one thing to forget my birthday, but to spend it with other women at a club?
I buried my face in my hands as I continued to sob and the voices in my head started speaking. All the things I were afraid of happening, all the negative things crept into my head.
You’re a burden to him.
You’re not important to him.
He forgot your birthday-
And spent it with other women.
The voices continued until the final one finalized them all…
He doesn’t love you anymore….
My crying died down after an hour or so.
I came to a descision... which I knew I would regret. But inside, I knew it was all for the best. I grabbed my purse and dug in it for the envelop and my phone. Hyunseung needed to live his dream, without me, without having me getting in the way.
I took in a deep breath as I punched in the number for the photography company and heard ringing.
“Hello, how may I help you,” a secretary answered and I gulped. I took several breaths, praying what I was about to do would bring a little peace. "Hello?" the secretary repeated.
“Hello, my name is _________, I was offered a job opening a couple weeks ago… I’m calling to accept it," I bravely spoke as one last tear trickled down my cheek.
I’m sorry Hyunseung...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“NONONONO! YOU CAN’T LEAVE!” Eun Mi begged, while helping me put my bags in the trunk of her car. After a few hours, I managed to pack all my belongings into boxes and move all the furniture into a storage garage.
“Mianhae, Eun Mi, but this is my dream and it would be the best for Hyunseung,” I stated calmly even though it nearly killed me to say goodbye to her.
“Forget him! What about me?! Now who will I go on shopping trips with?” she complained and pouted. “I’m sorry,” I apologized for the umpteenth time now and we both got into her car. She uneasily her engine and quietly drove to the airport. I stared out the window the whole time, looking at the view of Seoul and instantly knew I was going to miss it, alot.
I sighed as we reached the airport. “Here we are,” Eun Mi said with every bit of disappointment in her voice. She helped me carry my bags in and stopped when we arrived at the baggage check line. Tears rolled down her face and I could hear sniffles coming from her. I turned to her and pulled her into a tight bone-crushing hug.
“I’m sorry Eun Mi,” I whispered and hugged her tighter… if that were even possible.
“It’s okay _________, just remember to visit your dongseng often, okay?” she said through sniffles. Tears of my own started to come down as I slowly nodded.
I'm sorry Eun Mi, thank you for being there for me throughout the years, and I'm sorry I have to leave you like this.
After a couple minutes, we let go and I somehow managed to smile through the tears. “I’ll be back soon… I hope,” I assured her and she nodded and pulled out tissues from her purse, blowing her stuffy nose. “I’ll be here when you come back,” she promised and held up her fist. “Hwaiting!”
I smiled and continued to the line doubtfully. This was it.
After baggage check, I walked gloomily to my departure area and gave the flight attendant my boarding pass. She scanned it and smiled at me, handing it back.
I stepped on the plane and put my bags in the overhead and adjusted myself at my window seat. I peered out the window and continued to stare not realizing the tears splattering down my face.
The plane soon started moving and before I knew it, we departed and I was leaving Korea...
I'm sorry Eun Mi, I'm sorry Hyunseung…
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
ALRIGHT FIRST CHAPTER UP! TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! [:
SORRY IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO UPDATE~
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