It’s been one month and I’ve only seen Jimin once. We talked almost every day, and for the little amount of time I had known him, it was crazy how much I missed him. They were touring, so I was constantly worried about him. He told me he was tired a lot, and even once told me he didn't think he had the strength to perform one night. But he did it anyway. Whenever I told him to eat a lot he would say stuff like ‘I will but the fans really like my body right now.’ Which made me question if he was actually taking proper care of himself. We never kept our deal about Toni and Taehyung. But seeing how Toni talked about him every day there wasn't a doubt in my mind that she had feelings for him. Today when Jimin called me, I was a little upset. A lot had gone on today, including my manager telling me I needed to lose weight before they even considered my debut. I had never once considered myself overweight. But I know what being an idol entails, so I agreed to it.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked as I sat on the phone without saying anything, lost in my thoughts.

“Jimin, what did you eat to lose weight?” I asked, but I instantly regretted it. He was quiet for a long time.

“Why?” He asked, sounding different than usual, almost stern.

“Nevermind, forget I asked. How was the concert today?” I asked, trying to change the subject as fast as I could.

“Maya….” Was all Jimin said, but the way he said it made me want to break down into tears. I don't even know why, I just feel a little stressed out right now. I wanted to be the best I could be and I want to make sure I look the best and have my body in the best condition. But I had no idea how to do that. There was a lump forming in my throat so I refused to talk.

“Maya, why do you want to lose weight?” Jimin continued once he noticed my silence. I quickly swallowed.

“They asked me to.” I said quickly, before I got upset about it. I heard Jimin’s breath as he sighed into the phone. Now I felt guilty for making him stress out about me.

“Drink a lot of water. Limit your food to vegetables and protein but no meat. No processed foods. But Maya for the love of god please eat.” I took a deep breath, my eyes getting teary again.

“I will Jimin, I will. Don’t worry about it okay? I think I just need to sleep and clear my head. Did you have a good concert?” I asked hoping this time he would actually answer.

“Yeah I did. The crowd was really loud and energetic tonight.” I got into my bed and under my covers.

“That’s good. Where are you going tomorrow?” I asked, pulling the blanket up to my chin.

“Mm, Tapei. I’m really excited. I heard the food is really good there. And today, they told us the title of our next track. Do you want to know what it is?” Jimin asked.

“Am I allowed to know?” I asked, smiling. I knew he would tell me anyway.

“Of course! It’s called ‘Danger’.”

“Ooooh, Danger! That sounds….dangerous,” I made a face at my tired attempt to have a conversation, but luckily it still made Jimin laugh.

“Apparently it’s a good song so I’ll let you know when I hear it. We’ll be back in two and a half weeks!”

Two weeks into my diet I had the thought that maybe I wasn't approaching this the right way. I was exercising every day, not including my daily dance practices, limiting my portions of food, by a lot. But it was one of those things that now that I had started, I couldn't stop. I refused to talk to Jimin, because he’s one of those people you just can’t lie to. He would ask if I was eating enough, sleeping enough, and the truth was, I wasn't. But I didn't care. I wanted to be the most perfect version of myself, and if this is what it takes to get there, I was all for it. The manager that advised me to lose weight was so proud of me. He often gave me my small portions of food or snacks, and honestly it really helped me. The reason I began to question if this was the right approach to losing weight was when I noticed my eyesight becoming blurry randomly, and my limbs becoming weak. I could always dance with a lot of power and force, and now I could barely make my body move the right way without it taking up all my energy. It was frustrating. A few days later, on the day bangtan was to return from tour, I used extra makeup to cover the bags under my eyes before heading over to the company gym. I doubt I would see them until later, but this was just in case. I usually don't eat breakfast, and go straight into cardio. It was a weird time, so the gym was empty, except until my managers assistant brought me my food during my workout. She placed it on the bench in front of me and I just gave her a quick nod while I continued running. I got extremely tired after 40 minutes, but I kept going until I hit 50. As I got off the treadmill, my knee buckled and I had to latch onto the side for support.

“That was weird,” I mumbled to myself as I walked over to my small tray. It was half a banana, sliced into four pieces. A pair of chopsticks lay beside it. As I reached for the chopsticks I noticed my hand was a little shaky.  When I brought it towards the banana, I realized it was shaking way more than I thought. I stared hard at the small piece of the banana I was attempting to pick up, but the softness of the banana and the shakiness of my hand were causing it to slip right out from under them. I tried for a couple more minutes, refusing to just use my hands that were gross and dirty from just working out. I was honestly just so tired and hungry and sick of this, but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't even feed myself. I became so frustrated that tears formed and slid down onto my face. It seemed pathetic to think I was crying over not being able to pick up my lunch that consisted of four slices of a banana. I suddenly felt a hand over mine, sliding the chopsticks out of my hand and into theirs. I was so scared in case it was my manager, I couldn’t let him know I was like this, he thought I was doing so well. I slowly looked up, trying to blink the tears out of my eyes, but knowing they were already painted across my face. My heart sunk into my stomach as I locked eyes with Jimin. I didn't think he would be back this early. And how did he find me in here? I wanted to stand up and defend myself, tell him that this was a misunderstanding. But no words came out. I watched as he effortlessly picked up the banana with the chopsticks and held it up to my mouth. It took me a couple seconds to realize what he was doing, but when I did I opened my mouth. As I chewed the banana more tears began pouring out. Jimin was quiet, his mouth in a tight line. He looked mad. I wondered if he was mad at me. When he finished feeding me the last piece he set down the chopsticks. I watched him and realized how much I had missed him, and how I wish I could hug him right now.

“Are you mad…at me?” I finally found the courage to use my voice, but it sounded weird, it sounded off. Jimin’s expression changed slightly at the sound of my voice. He finally relaxed. I was so confused as to what he was thinking I started to get the spins.

“Why would I be mad at you?” He asked quietly. Once I heard his voice my heart ached even more. Without thinking, I leaned over on one knee and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. I felt him tense up at first, but he quickly wrapped his arms around my back.

“I’m glad you’re back,” I told him before slowly pulling away.

“Me too. But Maya….we need to talk about this,” He gently cupped one of my elbows with his hand. “This isn’t healthy. You look too much smaller than you did two and a half weeks ago. You lost too much weight too fast. That's why this-,” He reached up with his right hand and cupped the side of my face, wiping away the last stray tears from me cheek, “Is happening.” I reached for his hand and took it in mine, lowering it from my face.

“It’s okay. This is all my own decision. This is what I want.” I explained. Jimin let out a breath. Wow, I was already stressing him out and he just got back. I feel like such a ty friend.