Background music for this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB-5XG-DbAA

Jihoon stood, gripping Seungcheol’s hand. He had probably cut off all the blood circulation in the man’s fingers, but he couldn’t give that much attention. If it really hurt, Seungcheol would have said something by now. He just stood there, tears dripping down his face. Waiting for his last sister to leave. Waiting for his last little piece of hope to go to heaven.

Wu Yifan sat down in the chair next to Hayi’s bed, and took her hand in between both of his own. He spoke softly in Mandarin – too soft and too complex for the Prince to understand. Jihoon wasn’t sure if he imagined the fingers moving at first, until they grabbed the tall barista’s. After five long minutes, a constant beep fell still. The man snipped the water lotus from its stem and gently placed it on her chest before he fell forward to howl at the dead Princess’ body.

For an eternity now, there had been a balance between the pain and numbness. I was numb enough not to move, not to think, and to not feel emotion, but searing pain still scalded my legs, stomach and lungs every time air was pumped into my body. I could feel that breathing was not a conscious choice: it was being done for me, and I didn’t mind, because I knew I couldn’t do it myself. There seemed to be pain everywhere, but if I didn’t think too hard about it, it seemed to fade away to a thrumming in the background. Like when you leave an electric fan on for so long, you don’t really notice the white noise anymore.

Sometimes there were voices. I wanted to focus on them to distract from the eternal darkness I was lying in, this pool of black. There was nothing here but me and to be honest, I love me. No, really. I ing love me. I’m great. But being with myself 24/7 is a bit of a pain, ‘cause I don’t ever shut up, even when I have nothing to say. And when you get to the sixth hummed rendition of the Darth Vader Theme Tune, you kinda wanna stab yourself. And also, focusing on voices when you’re in the greatest abyss of all time is really, really ing difficult. It takes a lot of energy, and I just can’t expend it.

But now I paid attention. More than ever before. Because I knew this voice, far better than any of the others, the voice of soft candlelight and brilliant sunlight and mysterious moonlight. The voice that tasted of butter and sang the greatest tunes no man had ever heard before. The other voices I’d heard could have been Jihoon, or Shannon, or Big Sister Nana from the grave, or my father the King for all I knew, and I wouldn’t recognize them. But this one I knew as if it had been born in my soul, as if was still attached to my innermost self. Like it was forcing me to come to the surface.

I had no choice. My consciousness was rising, floating, like the rocks that held me pinned to the table were gone. The immense pressure and weight on me had dissolved into nothing, and I was rising. I couldn’t see where I was going, but it was most definitely up. I’d already been down as far as I could go.

“Hayi,” his voice said. His beautiful, deep, dark, beautiful voice. “Hayi, my darling. I’m here. Yifan is here.”

I wanted to cry, and scream. Because I couldn’t remember details about people’s voices or their faces, but I remembered his. I remembered his smile and the smell of his coffee and the stupid way he tied his apron too high and how he always served coffee in the little grass-green cup because it was his favorite and he wanted me to have his favorite cup. I remembered everything. What his skin felt like on mine. What it felt like to have him speak, and the rumble from his lungs press against my back. What it was like when he tucked my hair behind my ear. The color of the bright red ribbon he gave me for my twentieth birthday, and the cake they made for me at his café. I remembered the way he would secure my mustard yellow scarf around my neck just right and how he would give me piggy-backs when it snowed. The day he took me ice-skating and I kept falling on my until I couldn’t even feel it anymore. Or that one really big fight we had one summer during his annual barbecue that made me so mad I went home instantly. Or the time a little old lady bustled in on our date, read our tea leaves and told us we were meant to be together forever, throughout the ages. I remembered all of it. Every second with him.

Yifan. I wanted to scream. I wanted to get to him. Why couldn’t I get to him? I was still floating towards the surface, but I wasn’t getting anywhere. The darkness wasn’t brightening. There was just more black that echoed my thoughts on forever. Yifan, Yifan where are you? Yifan! WHERE ARE YOU? I’M HERE, YIFAN. I’M HERE.

His voice didn’t stop, though.

“Hayi, you know that I love you. I know you love me. There’s never been anything like us before. Not in all of history, or between all the stars. Nobody has had a love so pure for a goddess like you. And I would do anything, called upon any God and sold my soul, to take your place right now.”

Well, that isn’t very nice, I thought, stopping short. Black doesn’t suit you, Yifan. You’d be bored to death here.

“Hayi, I know you can hear me. We can hear each other’s souls cry for each other, no matter what. That’s how God meant for it to be, for us. So I want you to listen to me carefully.”

I’m listening, Yifan. There was just more floating, more darkness, but the timbre of his voice made me feel calm. I’m listening, my One and Only.

“You have to let go now.” Yifan was having a hard time breathing. He’d had pneumonia earlier in the year, in the winter, so his lungs were a little touch-and-go with seasonal changes. “Are you listening, my pearl? Can you hear me? You can let go now. It’s alright baby.”

Let go? I didn’t understand. What am I supposed to let go of? I’m in the middle of nothing. I’m trapped in my mind. It’s all dark, Yifan. What am I supposed to let go of?

“The doctors say it’s time now, sweetheart. It’s okay. Don’t worry about me! I’ll go back home, to the café, and I’ll see you in some years’ time. Until then, I’m telling you to wait for me, alright? I always said you were an angel in this life, and now you really will be an angel. So when you get to heaven, you have to wait for me, alright? Be my good angel and wait for me. But it’s time to go now, sweetheart. So that it won’t hurt anymore.”

Oh. I’m dying? Well, that . Totally not part of the plan. Like… do you know how many flavors of ice-cream I haven’t even tasted yet? Do you know I’ve never even been on a bouncy castle? Hot damn. Something in my hunkered down: not in denial, but in protest. Not yet, I thought towards him, metaphorically gritting my teeth with determination. I can’t go yet. I have one more thing to do. I don’t care about the ice-cream, or the bouncy castle. I’ve got one more thing I have to do before I go.

“Please,” Yifan begged me.

It was tough. So tough. It seemed to be black everywhere. But then suddenly I was hitting the light over and over, though the darkness tried to consume me every