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‘I love you.‘

‘I love you.‘

‘I love you.‘

Yoongi repeated those words over and over again inside his head, while thinking about Hoseok. Well, sometimes he even said them out loud and people on the streets and coffee shops started to look at him like he was some kind of a freak. Maybe he was? However, Yoongi couldn’t even care less, and besides he often didn’t notice himself spilling the words out aloud. He thought about Hoseok day in and day out, and with every passing day it seemed to get worse. He knew well enough by himself that he was slowly becoming a mess because of Hoseok’s absence, but he couldn’t even blame the younger for it. After all, Yoongi himself had been the reason why Hoseok had left him, him and Jimin. And for some strange reasons he didn’t find the strength to blame Jimin, even though he had been part of this just like Yoongi. But, after all, Yoongi could have been strong and refuse to be with Jimin that way, but he had been weak, he had given in to the walking temptation called: Jimin. He should have known better, well, he had known all the time along, but still he had been too stubborn, to driven by the thought of helping Jimin. Jimin, who had always been like a little brother to him. A brother, not a lover.

‘What have I done?’

Yoongi asked himself again for the thousandth time and still he had no explanation for it. Yes, he had told Hoseok that: ‘he just had to. He couldn’t help himself.’ Yoongi sighed deeply as he once again found no answer to that question. He stared out of the window, which was by now covered by raindrops. Outside was raging a bad storm, as well as inside Yoongi’s mind.

As he kept staring outside, he asked himself what Hoseok was doing right now, if he was somewhere save from the rain, or if he had to do one of his many ‘missions’? Or if he was with somebody, somebody who loved him and maybe deserved Hoseok’s love in return? Yoongi flinched at that thought. He didn’t like imagining Hoseok being with any other human that wasn’t him, Yoongi , but what right did Yoongi have to even feel that way? He had none, and he knew it, but still the thought alone drove him over the edge.

Once again he reached for his phone to text Hoseok’s old number.

“Hobi, I’m going insane without you. I can feel it, the way I lose my grip on reality and how the pain from inside my heart starts to consume me. Please come back.

- Yoongi'

--

It took Namjoon about a month to finally text Hoseok the time and location of his and Seokjin’s wedding. Hoseok smiled a little as he read Namjoon’s overly enthusiastic text message, filled with a lot of emojis and hearts. Somewhere, at the back of his mind, a little voice reasoned that actually Seokjin sent the message, ‘cause the emojis were so not like Namjoon, but well, he had to know it the best, love changes people. Hoseok let out a soft chuckle before he put his phone back into his pocket, not bothering to answer. In the heavy rain he crossed a street, which was only lit by the few streetlights here and there. He headed for his home, since he just finished another job, which contained to threaten some old dude, with far too much money, and far too many depths to pay. Not only those depths which contained paying money back, but also those who, for example, contained getting rid of some people. Hoseok hated people like that old dude, but somebody had to do the ugly jobs, and he got paid well, so he didn’t complain.

As he finally opened the door to his apartment, he heard his phone beeping, but something was weird, it sounded different. For a while he thought he might just have imagined the different sound of the ringtone, but soon he recognized that the sound was coming from his old phone. He furrowed his eyebrows, he was honestly confused. He had shut off his old phone a really long time ago, however, he didn't dare to get rid of it in case he had another breakdown. He stood there, right in front of his front door, discussing with himself if he should get his old phone or not. He wasn’t sure what to do. Most of the time he was able to ignore it no matter who texted him, but during the last few weeks he had gotten a lot weaker. He was now looking at those old photos almost every night and often enough did he fall asleep while looking at an old picture of Yoongi. He hated it. He hated how weak he was, or how weak he had become. Often enough he questioned himself how he had gotten to that point, but he never found an answer. Sometimes, in his weakest moments, he blamed Namjoon and Seokjin’s upcoming wedding for him. Ever since that one call Hoseok had often thought about attending the wedding from the very start till the end, to meet his friends and maybe talk to Yoongi. But that was crazy, wasn’t it?

He had once made a decision. The decision that he wouldn’t go back, that he would live the life he had always been supposed to live and not the one his friends showed him, the one Yoongi showed him. He wanted them to live their lives without him, ‘cause it would be better for both sides. So, why was he so weak now?

He took off his jacket and put off his shoes before he walked into the kitchen. He laid his keys onto the counter and then suddenly stopped. For a split second he even stopped breathing. He suddenly felt uneasy, but he didn’t understand why. He the spot and stood there for a while, looking at the kitchen’s door. He shook his head after some seconds passed and walked into the bedroom. He made his way over to his bed, but on the way there he saw his old phone lying on the ground and he stopped in his tracks. ‘It must have fallen out of my bed this morning.’ He thought while grabbing it from the floor. He stared down onto the screen for yet another few seconds, arguing with himself if he should just read the messages. He sat down on the bad, the phone still in his hand, but with a blank mind.

He decided to just ignore the messages and turned off his phone. He then headed to the bathroom and got himself ready for going to bed. He was really tired since his stupid mission had been quite nerve wrecking. He shut down the lights as soon as he arrived back at his bedroom and laid himself down onto his bed, facing the window. There were no stars that night, the night sky was hidden by all those clouds and it made Hoseok feel suffocated. This might sound as if he was still a child, but he needed the stars to fall asleep. He sighed deeply and rolled onto his back, throwing one arm over his eyes. ‘What should I do?’