(1924w)

Yes, the flow of their practice was going great, but he is sure even the members were sensing this certain stillness in the air every time Jaehyun is in close proximity to his being. And with that said if even they are noticing this, then he must be doing a lousy job of pretending nothing is wrong between him and Jaehyun: or the more likely known as the ones too close with each other that no one nor anything can separate them apart.

“I think… we should call it a day,” Hansol suddenly announces, looking at him then at Jaehyun next, “What do you think, Taeil-ah?”

Taeil just sighs, returning Hansol’s questioning look, then glances at Taeyong as if he is telling him something.

“Yes,” The man coughs, looks at his younger brothers, and again sending signals through telepathy, “Let us call it a day.”

Some just nod, some hurry to get their things, but Doyoung stays on his spot. I don’t want to go home. I feel tired. But not physically.

Yuta pounces to him, holds onto his arm and says, “Doyoung-ah, do you know the saying ‘First one in, first one out’?”

“Yes.”

“Now, now,” a hand pats his head, “It’s okay, you do not need to sound so lifeless, and you’ll have Wujae with you anyway since he came in with you.”

Oh no.

“You know what? I can stay and practice by myself. He was late because of me and I’ll gladly take all the blame.”

“Are you for real?” Ten asks in English before switching to Korean, “You never miss out on an opportunity of getting to practice with Jaehyun, hyung. Why change ways today?”

Because I might be in love with him and being with him hurts. He cannot love someone like me.

Having admitted to himself that he might like Jaehyun, maybe more than what’s asked for, is surprisingly soothing.

“I believe it was Jae’s idea to stay and take care of you, though, Doyoung-ah,” their oldest hyung says by the door, ready to leave.

Then there’s that certain twist in his insides. Taeil hyung just knows Jaehyun too well.

“Ten-ah, I thought we were going?” Johnny peeps his head through the door, looking very well ready to go, “You said you wanted to go out on a date tonight.”

“Whoops! Yes, I did,” Ten reacted, suddenly grinning and he looked so happy to have heard those words from Johnny, “Got to go, go, go on a date.”

The taller of the two, once Ten reached him, took the Thai’s hand in his and waves back at them with a smile.

“Doyoung-ah, himnae!” The two said together and went on their way.

How nice it was for them to be so open and so in love. He didn’t even realize that they were in love with each other, he must be too dense, or they most probably are just sneaky.

“Hey, I just saw JohnTen hurry out of the door,” Hansol arrives at the door, waving goodbye to Taeil who decided to leave without any word, “Which reminded me of my own boyfriend. Yuta-san, care to leave with me or are you going to hold Doyoung’s arm all night?”

Look, even these two are together. He sighs.

“Nakamoto-san, you may let go of me now. It’s not like you’ve given me a chance to choose whether or not I practice with or without Jaehyun anyways,” He snatched his arm away from the hands holding it and he just looked in awe as said man was flashing his mega-watt healing smile to the blonde guy by the door.

“Took you long enough,” The older of the two affectionately says, keeping the others hand on his, “We better scurry off now, too, then.”

All that was left in the room was him, the white man across the room, who was busying himself by fixing his clothing and later tying his shoes, and the coldness of the air that was still lingering between them.

He coughs and the younger is shocked, jumping from his position, then spares him a glance. He could see that the other’s eyes were still tear-stricken and he had no clue of what to do.

“Jung Jaehyun-“

“Hyung-“

Now they’re even speaking up at the same time. Wow.

“You go first-,“ Both of them cutting each other’s sentences by opening their mouths at the same time again.

Jaehyun sighs.

Doyoung plays with his hands.

“I guess I should go first,” The younger musters up courage and talks, “About a while go, hyung…”

He looks up at the man talking, feeling distant since the two of them were on different ends of the room.

“I… I know it’s just your solo piece, hyung, but I felt… I just think that you were singing the song to me and you can’t lie to me hyung I know you like from the bottom of my whole being and you’re eyes were yelling at me earlier and I just knew and felt that you were voicing the lyrics to me,” Jaehyun spills the words out, noticeably looking uncomfortable but determined, nevertheless, “Why do you hate me?”

I don’t’. Do I?

“Jaehyun-ah…” He tries to speak, gathering his thoughts to say what he really should say, “It’s just that…”

“So you do hate me.”

“Ye- No. No, of course not. It was just a spur of the moment and when I looked at you I just... I just…” Dang it! Why can’t he finish his sentence, “I… It’s just that…”

“I get it, hyung,” Jaehyun dismisses, looking up from where he was seated, looking lost and defeated, “I’ll be okay to practice alone; you go home and rest. I know you still feel unwell.”

“Hey. No. Why? I was the one who said I wanted to practice alone,” Doyoung is unsure of the situation and he already said earlier, he doesn’t want to go home just yet, “You be the one to go home.”

“Please don’t make this hard as it already is, hyung. Can you just- Ugh,” Soon the younger stands up, scratching his head before shaking it, he looks like a glorious mess, a mess looking so enraged, “You know what, fine. I’ll leave you here. You never wanted me here anyways so I’ll do as you wish.”

Jaehyun then storms across the room, near to where he is, and reaches for the door.

“You know I didn’t mean that,” Doyoung stops him, clinging on to the younger’s arm, “My head is just not doing well right now. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You surely looked like you did,” He notices the loss of joy from the eyes looking past him, “Now, can you kindly let go and let me leave in peace and away from you?”

What? WHAT? He’s the one who wants peace, the peace he gets whenever HE leaves Jaehyun’s side.

He lets out a cold laugh, “Here you are menacing me when it seems like you’re the one in a hurry to stray away from me. Who knew?!”

Now he didn’t mean to sound threatening, nor was he blaming the other for his actions, but the situation seemed difficult to get out from and if a fight is the last thing they could do, he’d take his chances.

“No, no, no. You will not put this on me,” A long and beautiful white finger is put in front of his face and is swayed from left to right, accompanied with a voice filled with disappointment and a pinch of annoyed, “You may have forgotten, I’m not the one hating someone here.”

“Ugh, like I said, I do not hate you,” he pressed on, yanking hard on the younger’s arm that causes the man to face him, “Stop making things up!”

“Say that to yourself,” He swears he hears the voice crack, “I’m done understanding you since you do not even say anything to me anymore.”

How could I? How would you know the dilemma that I’m going through if you’re the one causing it?

“You don’t know anything to say that,” He hisses, hating the way he’s feeling already.

“Like I said, how would I when you don’t even try to communicate with me anymore?” Suddenly, hands spring up and the arm he’s been holding on is released from his grasp, “Don’t try to hold me anymore, just let me go.”

Let him go… Don’t try anything that is impossible to happen.

He laughs icily.

“No, you stay away from me,” He grabs his backpack, wears it, and continues, sounding hurt and pained with crumbles of love and the color black, whilst looking threateningly at the younger, “You speak so well. Actually, you talk a lot I would think you actually know me. Well, guess what? You don’t.”

Eyebrows lift up in surprise but he isn’t finished yet. Jaehyun wants to know, he’ll get it.

“You don’t because how would you when you’re the source of it?” He cackles and points a finger at the bewildered pair of eyes staring at him, “How would you know that you’re the reason I feel sick in my stomach because you smile at me so brightly and your eyes shine like the sun and your dimples show and I just can’t find myself to look away every single time you look at me.”

He steps closer to the door, “How would you know that you’re the reason I blush at unexpected moments and look like an idiot staring at cheeks that don’t flush even for how long I stare at them?”

He grasps the doorknob, “How would you know that you’re the reason why I do not want to look at Johnny and Ten, and Hansol and Yuta, because I ask myself why are they allowed to be together but we still stay as friends?”

He readies himself to escape the room, “How would you know that you’re the reason I’m falling in love, falling hard and deeply in love, with someone younger than me and that has the same name as you and is as lovely and adorable and all the things I ever wanted but you know yourself that you can’t go on with those kinds of thoughts because hell,” he laughs out loud, “The man of your affections isn’t even sparing you any heed.”

“Well you know what, now you’ll know, I don’t feel well, I want to hate you, and I want to practice in different rooms because I love you! I love you and I know that won’t bring us anywhere so I’ll try to keep my feelings in some other place and let you live your life.”

Having said his heart out, he bolts out of the room and heads to the rooftop for safety measure. He surely can’t go back to the dorms at this state, and definitely can’t rehearse with the thought that Jaehyun may find him. Kinda that he doesn’t have a clear escape from everything and a certain someone, huh.

He looks up at the dark Seoul sky. It seems so dark and cold and alone, just like him and his feelings. He laughs at himself. Way to go, Doyoung-ah.

He’ll just rest here first, in the vicinity of the rooftop, beside fake greens and wooden benches, and wallow in his pit of self-hate and anti-Jaehyun world.

In a few moments, feeling the burden of the day gather up on his shoulders, he decides to close his eyes and escape reality to swim in his dreams.

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i'm sorry it took long for me to update. hope you enjoy!

- G