Lost
Records (or something like that)Four hours and a text message later - A ing text message - confirming that my mom had finally passed away I was looking at myself in the mirror, desperate to find any answers. I was feeling... nothing. But why? Shouldn't i be feeling something? Or, or was it the numb feeling preventing me from thinking that i was feeling something? What? Was this a protection mechaninsm? Was i preventing myself from feeling? Could i be able to handle the feelings? What was happening to me?
I kept looking at myself. The tears were falling but i couldn't really understand why, i wasn't feeling anything after all. Right? I was still finding it difficult to process, all that had just happened made no sense. I was trying to put the pieces together but i was failing miserably at it. I was in shock.
A shiver ran down my spine. Just a few hours ago i was feeling as happy as i've ever felt while someone was telling my father that my mom was dying. Why? I swear my life is ing unfair. As soon as i start feeling happy something ty comes up to crash down my happiness.
Why?
My mom is dead, my mom.
I let my head fall in between my shoulders. Suddenly it was hard to breath. I started chocking in my own tears. What the is going on?
A successive knock on the door made me look up. I looked at myself in the mirror, again. And this time i was feeling something but i just couldn't figure out what.
It's weird to think that i've never been really close to her and still i felt like i knew her like she never knew me. She was easy to understand, easy to break. Unlike my father, her tone was soft and i hated it when she used it to scold me. "At least when you scold me make it more convincing!" I used to tell her. How stupid.
It was proving to be to hard to process the fact that i would never, ever talk to her again.
We weren't the closest, we haven't talked in ages and now we wouldn't talk at all. Can you understand how ing ridiculous this feels? So stupid. Unreal.
"Byul? Are you in there?" I heard Wheeins voice from the other side of the door.
It was time to go back to reality. I've been inside this bathroom for the past hour. I had decided to lock myself in the bathroom after coming home to nobody. It felt like a joke to come home and be comforted by silence.
It was better than to be comforted my Solars pitty though. The way she was looking at me was making me feel worse. I knew she knew exactly what i was going through and that was proving to be too much to handle. She understood.
"Yes."
I opened the water tap and welcomed the fresh water into my face as an attempt to calm myself, to wash any signs of frustrastion. Frustration because i couldn't deal with this, as much as i tried i couldn't wrap my head around what my father just told me earlier.
How did it happen? When did it happen? Why did it happen? These were the questions i had in my mind and to get an answer i had to go home. I had to go to Bucheon. I had to return to the place where i miserably grew up. Great.
The sudden realisation made me feel even more exausted. The main thought became the funeral. The funeral and all the family. Don't get me wrong i don't hate the family but the thought of being in the same place with all of them while grieving for someone was too much to handle.
I dried my hands, still locking eyes with myself in the mirror. I'm not ready. Still, i pushed the thought aside and opened the door.
"Hey." Wheein greeted me as soon as i came into her view. "Are you okay?"
I nodded my head. "Yes. You're home." i stated.
She nodded. "30 minutes ago. What were you doing there?"
"Pooping." i lied. "Where's Hyejin?" i asked making my way to the living room. She followed me.
"I don't know." her voice tired.
I looked back at her. "Come here." I opened my arms inviting her to hug me. She didn't. "C'mon, we both need it."
Only after that she hugged me. I smiled a very tiny internal smile. "Thanks."
She was obviously confused. "What happened?"
"I need to go to Bucheon tomorrow morning." i answered, dodging the main subject.
"What?" she broke the hug and looked at me. "Why?"
"Family stuff." i simply said.
She furrowed her brows.
"We have a couch?" i asked after noticing the new piece of forniture. I walked to it. Since when do we have a couch?
"Do you want me to come with you?" she asked instead of answering me.
"To the couch?" i dumbly asked, clearly susprised by her question.
"Yeah, to the couch." she sarcastically said after slapping me in the head. "To Bucheon."
"You want to come with me to Bucheon?" i asked in surprise.
She nodded, looking at the ground.
"Oh..."
"I know it's a weird requeste..." she said still looking at the ground.
I walked towards her lifting her head to look at me. "Look at me. I need you to smile now, ok?"
She nodded again. Forcing a dorky smile.
I also smilled. "Good." i hugged her again. "My mom died, i don't want to talk about it and you can come with me to Bucheon."
After i broke the hug she opened to speak but nothing came out.
"It's smells like coffee in here." I said making my way towards the kitchen.
-
After basically putting Wheein to sleep i made my way to my room. This day had been everything but normal. I had , found out my mom's dying, Wheein's coming with me to Bucheon and to top it all my best friend was nowhere to be found.
Hyejin was the only person that knew about my rocky relation with my parents and i was keen on letting it stay that way. I didn't really liked talking about them but after a night full of whisky and resolutions i decided to tell her everything about me and i don't regret it. So not having here right now was a complete bull.
Almost 2am and i wasn't still able to fall asleep. In a desperate move i quickly dialed Hyejin's number and after a few rings she answered.
"Why are you calling me so late you head?"
As soon as i heard her voice something in me exploded and i felt a ruch of anger through my whole body . "Where the are you?!" My voice came out louder than i expected and i found myself crying again. "You're such an idiot. "What the is wrong with you? Why aren't you home?" after the raging outbreak i toned down my voice. "I need you..."
"I am sorry, i am so sorry." she said with a calm voice.
My breath was ragged but i had calmed down a bit just by hearing her voice. I sat in my bed. She spoke again.
"I'm sorry." she repeated.
"You already said that." i wasn't crying anymore. "My mom just died." There was no point in trying to relay this information with care. I was too deperate to tell her.
She breathed out, i could hear her sighing from the other end of the line. "I can't go home, Byul."
"I know. Can we just stay like this for a bit?" i pleaded.
"Sure, i got nothing better to do anyways."
I smiled, there it was the thing i needed. "I had ."
She laughed. "Finally."
We were followed by a few moments of silence until she broke it.
"What's happening to us?" she asked.
"What's happening to you?"
"I don't know."
"I don't like it. Wheein looks like and you...." i sighed.
"Is she ok?"
I snorted. "What do you think?"
"I think she deserves better than me." she replied.
"Anyone deserves better than you but that's not enough reason for you to act like an ." i stated.
Silence break again but this time it was bigger.
"Hyejin?" i called her name.
"How do you know you love Solar?" she asked out of nowhere.
"I just do." i answered, surprised by her question.
"Ok, but how?"
"Why are you asking me this?"
"It's just..."
"What?"
"I was sure i loved Wheein until we moved in together."
Confused, i felt super confused by that. "What you mean?"
"I started noticing that i was getting annoyed when she would laugh to loud or started jumping out of nowhere. The thought of waking up everyday to stuff like that
scared me. Byul, i am not ready to take this step with her."
I couldn't reply.
"Are you there?" she asked, worried.
"You're such an . We just got a new couch!!!!" i yelled at her.
" the couch!" she yelled back.
"She doesn't deserve this..." i said. "She really doesn't. How can you not love her? How can you ask her to move in with you and then disappear?"
"How supportive of you."
" you. How am i supposed to deal with this? She going to Bucheon with me."
"What?" she half yelled. "Why is she going to Bucheon with you?"
"Oh, i don't know. Maybe because she's feeling like and just needs something to distract her from that fact that you're not here. Does she even know where you
are?"
"No."
I shook my head in disbelief before laying down in bed. "This is bull."
"What?"
"Wheein... she's not just your girlfriend."
"Stop..."
"Hell no! Running away like a instead of facing the problem. Whats wrong with you? this . Everything is just wrong. I can't deal with the fact that you're
doing this with one of the best people i know!" I screamed.
I don't know why i was taking this so personally. I had become to close to Wheein to know that this was going to ing break her and knowing that was breaking me.
"Stop!" she cried.
"I can't! Dude, what's going on? Why is everything falling apart? Since when did you become such a ing coward?"
"I ING CHEATED ON HER!!!!!!!!" she finally screamed.
"..." she continued. "Don't you think i know she is the best person i'll ever have? I ing know that but i..."
"You're ed up." i interrupted her. "We're leaving tomorrow. We'll be there for at least 3 days. Figure your out until then." i said as i hang up.
Mindlessly i walked out of the room, making my way towards Wheeins room. I raised my hand ready to knock but i lost any courage. Suddenly i realized i didn't know
what i was doing.
Why did i got so mad? What was i going to do anyway? I wanted to comfort her even though she had no ideia what was going on. I wanted to go in there and hug her to sleep. Knowing that she was there sleeping with no knowledge of the truth broke my heart. This right here was ing me up more than the fact that i would be driving to my mothers funeral. How can someone hurt her like this?
I turned the knob of her room door in a breath.I took a step in and closed the door behind me. The room wasn't completly dark, there was some light coming from the window that allowed me to have a pretty good ideia of where her matress was located. Right, we still didn't have proper beds.
The room smelled like her. I could hear her soundly breathing. For a second there i was glad she didn't know what was going on. If she knew she wouldn't look this peaceful.
I heard her shifting in her sleep as i walked closer. As i crouched i started to panic. This was not creepy at all. I should have just knocked.
Thank god my mom died, at least that can serve as an excuse for this madness, right? Of course i could just turn back and pretend this never happened but instead i
lifted her sheets and in a swift move i layed beside her.
Her little figure was occupying only the right side of the bed, across from me. Funny how suddenly i felt as if i was stuck in between something. I couldn't move. I was starting to regret everything when a tiny voice made it's way to my ears.
"Come closer."
That scared the out of me. What? She knew i was here? i left out the breath i'd been holding this all time.
"You would make a terrible ninja." she said as she snuggled into me after realizing i wouldn't move. I'm not sure she's completly awake, her voice sounded so child like.
"Your heart is beating really fast." she added. Is it? I guess she could feel it since she was laying against my chest.
I put my arms around her, getting comfortable.
"I thought you were sleeping." i reasoned.
She lightly laughed. "I heard you as soon as you stepped out of your room."
"Cool." That's all i could say. How embarrassing.
"Are you ok?"
I ajusted my position once again. "Shut up and sleep." i felt her nodding before she drifted to sleep.
Beeing with her like this made me feel a bit better. I could now put in prespective everything that had happened. Or could i?
I'm only human, i can only deal with a certain amount of crap. A sudden headache made me wince in pain. This day had been so exausting, so unreal.
What am i doing now? Too much information had gone through me today. Everything was out of place and i couldn't put it back together.
Honeslty, at this moment the only thing i had figured out was the sadness that rushed over me whenever the thought if my recently deceased mother would come to my mind. At least i had that figured out.
Also, the certainty that my father was a prick was also solified today, since the er texted me as a way to let me know my mom had died. Pffft. But again, that was figured out.
I had before everything happened. Cool. That was figured out. .
Solar. I hadn't talked to her since i left her house. I'll do that first thing in the morning.
What didn't i have figured out then? The conversation with Hyejin and this right now. It shouldn't be so hard to understand but i was overthinking it anyway.
Everything happened all at the same time! You guys get it, right? Someone has to.
Yes, what i haven't figured out was why. Why did this happened all at the same time? How does one person deserves to go to all this bull all at the same time? That was the part that i still had to figure out. That was why i felt so messed up. All of this. How does one go from a pure state of extase to a ing messed up hole of frustration and sadness? And all of this in a blink of an eye.
I fought back the tears not wanting to wake up Wheein. This is too much. I'm so ing lost.
Universe, i'm going to blame you for this . you.
Don't panic. Everything will be answered, in time. Until then just enjoy my own messed up thoughts.
Guys, this fic is draining me both in a bad and a good way... i can't explain it.
I know it took me a long while to write this chapter and it might not be the thing any of us wanted or expected but is getting harder and harder for me to understand my own characters. I don't why they're keep doing this but it feels right so i'll keep following my gut.
No one ever said it was easy to be a human right? This was honestly the hardest chapter i've written so far. I got stuck for days but is here now and it might not be the best thing ever but once i started writing it i knew i couldnt take it back.
I'm just so surprised at how Byul as grown up in here despite all the . It wont be easy... i don't know. I'm nervous about this chapter guys.
Go ahead and share your thoughts with me, please. I'll really need to now what you're thinking!!
As always, you're awesome. Have a nice day :)
Don't panic. Everything will be answered, in time. Until then just enjoy my own messed up thoughts.
Guys, this fic is draining me both in a bad and a good way... i can't explain it.
I know it took me a long while to write this chapter and it might not be the thing any of us wanted or expected but is getting harder and harder for me to understand my own characters. I don't why they're keep doing this but it feels right so i'll keep following my gut.
No one ever said it was easy to be a human right? This was honestly the hardest chapter i've written so far. I got stuck for days but is here now and it might not be the best thing ever but once i started writing it i knew i couldnt take it back.
I'm just so surprised at how Byul as grown up in here despite all the . It wont be easy... i don't know. I'm nervous about this chapter guys.
Go ahead and share your thoughts with me, please. I'll really need to now what you're thinking!!
As always, you're awesome. Have a nice day :)
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