I left. I just left and if i had to describe what i was feeling i wouldn't know where to begin. Mainly because i wasn't feeling anything, at least not something i'm familiar with. Well, i was feeling something of course. Had the girl of my dreams just slip through my fingers, just like that? 

I can't say i was feeling sad, i think  was feeling lost. Yeah, lost is the right way to describe it. Empty, shallow... you get the picture. 
-
 After a long walk in the park i walked myself home. Man, i was feeling so tired i even ditched class. Great, i'm becoming a reckless teenager all over again.

I haven't cried yet. Don't know why but despite having the urge to do it the damn tears just won't come out. My expression is annoyngly stoik and yet my heart is beating faster than ever. 

This doesn't make any sense. I'm both physically and mentally exausted, at this point i don't even think i can be bother by anything. I'm drained, i just wanna lay down and die. You know what? The dying part can be excluded, more like lay down and eat pizza. Yeah, that sounds better, a pepperoni pizza. Simple and tasty. That is all i need, that is all i can handle for now. 

As soon as i took my shoes off and made my way to the living room my body was smashed against the wall. That would have shocked me yesterday, or a few hours ago but not in this precise moment. No, the fact that Hyejin was crushing me against the wall and hugging me like a koala wasn't going to make me feel anything at all. I can't even understand why she does it so i won't even bother to think about it.

After a few seconds she finally let go of me.

"Hi!!" she cutely said. Wait, she was cute. 

I looked suspiciously at her. She was smiling like a creeper attracted to teddy bears, that was creepiest thing i've ever seen in my life and still couldn't care less about it.

"Your drunk." i stated.

"Yes." she answered.

"That was a statement, i know you're drunk. Why are you drunk?" i asked. Ok, now i'm starting to get a bit curious.

"We're celebrating. Tonight is our last night in this hole. Yeaaaaah." She shouted flailing her arms in the air like moron. 

Before i could react to that she changed her expression to a serious one and out of nowhere her hand reached to my face traping my chin in the process. 

"You, Solar what's up?" she asked. There, she just ruined everything.

"I'm going to sleep." i said avoiding the topic. And honestly why would i talk about it, she wouldn't remember it tomorrow. 

"NO!" she barked at my face. "I bought a lot of beers, you're drinking with me. Chicken." she said pointing at the floor. "We have chicken." she paused. "Ooops, no we don't i ate all of it." she said giggling. 

I shook my head, not believing i was seeing her in this state. 

"I'll have one beer only."

"Yeees." she said sitting down waiting for me to join her.

"And i'm ordering pizza!" 

Our little late dinner didn't last for longer than an hour. I had just finnished my second beer  and last slice of pizza when i caught Hyejin sleeping against my legs. She must have been drinking for a while now. Today a record was set, Hyejin fell asleep before 4 am. 

At last one thing was going well for me, i could finally go lay my on my bed.

"You're the worst drinker ever." 

I put her to sleep and went shower. 20 minutes later i was in my pyjamas ready to sleep.

I don't even care about you today, Universe. 

JOKES. Go yourself!!!!!!!

- 
                         

                                                                        Hey loser, meet me at the new place in 30 minutes.

Hyejin and her good manners, what a way to start the day. I've just woken up and i'll have to get ready in 5 minutes so my ing best friend doesn't get upset. Seriously, why are we friends again? After what i did for her last night is this how she gives me back? 

Well, she probably doesn't remember what happened last night.

Luckily it only took me 10 minutes to get ready. A nice pair of black pants, a shirt, a jacket and i was ready to go. I took a banana on the way out and for now that would have to serve as my breakfast, what a depressing day. I almost failed in getting up today and just by thinking that i have to hurry the up to be somewhere is stressfull as hell, i can't even think about all the moving we have ahead of us. Kill me now. 

-

25 minutes later and a whole lot of traffic i finally reached my destination. I got myself in the elevator and in no time my legs were moving towards the apartment door. I fished my set of keys from my left pocket and opened the door. 

"Whooo, i'm here." i shouted while i took off my shoes at the entrance. I started walking towards the living room, slightly smiling getting all excited again for knowing that this would be our new home. 

I reached the living room. 

"Hyej--" I stoped talking. There was indeed someone standing in front of me right now, but i was damn sure that was not my now black haired friend.

"Hi." the person softly said afraid to scare the out of me. Too late for that.

It took me a while to recover from the shock but after a few moments i regained my senses. 
"What are you doing here?" my tone came out more agressive than i intended and i guess she noticed it. She flinched a little and as a result her next words came out a bit shaky.

"I want to talk to you." she said walking back a little.

I didn't say anything, i waited for her to continue.

"I'm sorry. I asked Hyejin to bring you here, otherwise i'm sure you wouldn't even bother to show up here and i really needed to see you." she said.

Hyejin, you sneaky little . 

"Hmm." i hummed. 

She looked down, her hands rubbing her arms. She was nervous.

I sighed. I was making her nervous and that was the first time for her. Usually i'm the one getting nervous around her, but i guess this time i'm not the one that has to prove itself. 

Honestly speaking, it was killing me to see her like that. I'm feeling so pathetic right now, i'm supposed to be mad and i can't, i'm actually pretty excited to see her here. I know i said i'd move on but that doesn't mean i can and i clearly can't. I knew she was here for a reason and that was giving me hope. I'm so whiped, it's embarassing. 

"You said you wanted to talk." I broke the silence first. A bit more of that and i would've gone crazy.

By now i was sure she was as scared as she was nervous. She was anticipating my every move and i got that as a signal to reassure her that i would not snap on her. I slowly approached her, she couldn't even look at me. When i reached her i crouched next to her and sat myself on the ground, back against the wall. She looked at me, confused, and as calmly as possible i signaled her to do the same. 

We looked at eachother for the first time since i got here and for a long moment there i lost myself in her eyes. I could see all the sadness and worry she was carrying and my breath unkowingly got caught by that. I could see she was in pain, as much as i was. The difference was she was scared and i was tired. 

She snapped me back to reality after a a couple of minutes.

"Don't look at me like that." she said with a gloomy voice. Is she about to cry?

I shook my head in confusion. "Like what?" 

She looked back at me with her eyes as sad as her voice.

"Like you could forgive me at any moment." she said. "I don't deserve it."

"Well... that's for me to decide." 

"Byul..." she started.

I interrupted her.  "This is so frustrating. I was so determined to move on and now... i don't know. I never thought things would get to this point." I sadly said looking at my hands. I was starting to feel emotional. Get your together dude! 

"I'm sorry." her voice was getting more shaky each time.

I shook my head. "No, i don't want to hear you say you're sorry."  I was tired of that. 

"I owe you an explanation."

I nodded. "You do." 

"Give me a couple of minutes so i can organize my ideas." 

I chuckled. "That's such a Solar thing to do." 

"I'm sor-" she started. I looked at her. "Never mind that... hmm..." she trailed.
This wasn't going anywhere, something was preventing her from talking. So i decided to take the lead, for once in my useless exsistance. 

"Let me say something first. I know you, ok? You're too much of a good person to hurt someone deliberately. So i really wanna know what happened. I know you like me, i just don't understand what happened, why you reacted like that and why can't you talk about it. Besides, it's me. You can talk to me, Solar. I'll listen." i said a bit angry. 

I heard her softly sobbing. Her head was down and so her words came out a bit muffled. 

"I wasn't always like this." she said.

"What?" i didn't quite catch that.

She looked up. "I said i wasn't always like this."

I placed my hand on top of hers, hoping she would take it a sign to keep talking.

"It's... I've lost so many times, i grew up and i kept loosing people and... But i got through it and i become what i am now. But then you came into the picture and i found myself going back to before and i became so afraid of loosing you that i ended pushing you away, shutting you." 

I was caught in surprise by her words, that wasn't at all what i was expecting to hear. It took me a while to fully understand what she had just said. I felt sad for her, in a way i did understand was she was feeling, quickly my anger was subsided and i found myself in loss of words. 

She kept going. "I don't want you to go away." she said putting her head on my shoulder.

I didn't answer because in a way that wasn't enough for me to run back to her arms like a desperate , even though that was exactly what i wanted to do.

I looked at her with softer eyes this time. "It wasn't my plan to go away. I also got scared when things started to get serious, you know? But i acted on my feelings and not on my fears."

"I know that's why i feel so angry at myself."

After that we kept silent. I was wondering what to do now, guessing where this would lead us to when she broke the silence. 

"I have a huge problem with those three words." 

"Why?" i asked her.

"It's a long story."

"I have a couple of hours." i said looking at the inexistent watch in my wrist.

She cuddled closer to me and i did the same.

"I grew up without a mother, she died shortly after i was born." 

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's ok, i still had my dad." i could see a sad smile erupting from her face. "He was my world, my prince in shining armor. He used to sing to me when i couldn't sleep, just  hearing him made all my fears go away. I was crazy about him." her words came out a bit shaky. "One day i woke up and he was gone... just like that. I went to live with my grandmother and... well it wasn't easy. I was so angry at him, how wasn't the uncondittional love i felt for him enough to prevent him from leaving? I was just a child." She finished.

I was too shocked at her revelation to say anything. Never in a million years i thought she had went through such a ed up situation. Of course i wanted to know more about that but it didn't feel like the right time to be questioning her about it. 

"I'm not saying this for you to pitty me." she said after a few minutes of silence.

"I know." i assured her. 

"It really got difficult for me to trust people again and to let them get close to me. And so when you told me you loved me i freaked out, i'm sorry. Only later did i realize i had done to you what i feared you'd do to me and when you didn't return my calls i thought i had lost you. I hated myself for that. I was so unfair. And i know i should have told you something yesterday, i know that but i just couldn't. I don't know why..." she whispered the last part.

"It's ok."

"I miss you so much." she breathed out. 

I hummed but didn't say anything. I kept looking at my soon to be kitchen with a heavy heart while hugging her.

I wasn't sure what this meant for us, how would things be from this moment on and right now i didn't care. She was is my arms and that was enough for me.

We stayed hugged in silent for a good hour and i would have kept like that for much longer if only the floor wasn't so damn hard. My was starting to feel numb and my stomach was starting to remember me that all i had had for breakfast was a banana. 

"Are you hungry?" i asked her.

She nodded in my arms. "Yes."

I tried to get up but she prevented me from doing so.

"Wait, just a little bit longer." she requested.

I smiled lightly before frowning in pain. , my is killing me. 








 

I'm kinda happy with this chapter. It's been too long since i've been postponing their make up talk lol

Love is tough and wiriting about it is even worse so, yeah xD It just didn't feel right to make things in the previous chapter, it doesn't work that way i think. At least for me, how about you? :)

I don't know, i hope you get why thinks went this way. Whatever. Thank you guys for keeping up with this, you guys rock. Keep being awesome all of you. 

<3