After months of sending messages with no replies, you finally got a reply from him, the one you had been trying to reach for months. Slowly starting over again, becoming friends and involving each other in your lives again, it started to feel right again, just slightly different but you hoped that it would be for the better.

Several conversations later, mostly snap chatting one another, you left an open invitation for him to come up and meet you whenever he wanted to. The following Saturday he was going to come up, yet he said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, so he didn’t come up

Walking back from your classes, you slipped into your truck as you dialed his number, your heart aching to hear his voice, to picture his smile, to hear his laughter and his inflection, just anything of him. Closing your eyes through the conversation, the two of you didn’t delve into anything too deep, yet you were trying to fight tears from spilling from your eyes, wanting to tell him so much yet being held back by the bounds of acquaintances. Catching up on his life, he had decided to join the Air Force causing your heart to freeze, your stomach churning. Talking for an hour, you supported him even though you didn’t want to accept that he may not be coming back if he deported.

Asking if he had any plans for that weekend, he said that he was going to come up and see you on that Saturday. Hoping and praying with all your heart, you wished that he would actually go through with it this time.

–

The knocking at the front door snapped you out of your thoughts as you exited out of the conversation on your phone and slipped your phone into your back pocket. Trotting up to the door, you opened it with a soft smile on your lips.

“Hey, come on in” You opened the door wider for him as he stepped inside.

Feeling some slight tension in the air, you stepped inside as you let him choose what he wanted to do first. Picking video games, the two of you headed over the couch. Turning on the console and the controllers, you both played video games, laughing and seeing who was the best at which game.

After an hour or two, the two of you got up and headed out the door. Driving around town, the two of you strolled across campus, talking and laughing together reminded you of the old days where you two could talk endlessly for hours upon hours and still have more things to talk about. Even through the fun that you had you could feel that something was off, something was wrong.

Heading back to your truck, the two of you went back to First Dam, where you two had kissed for the first time. He asked for a massage, nodding your head, you agreed without a second thought knowing that he was always tense and you wanted to just let him relax with you, to feel like he could be himself. Wanting to give him a much needed escape from his life, you worked his toned muscles, feeling the tense knots underneath his skin. Keeping your eyes on your work, you admired his beautiful veins, his toned body but most importantly that he was here with you, that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be.

Complimenting him every chance you got, you wanted to make sure that you didn’t regret anything that night knowing that the future between you two was more unsure than ever. Looking up into his eyes, the two of you moved into the backseat so that you could massage his back better. Kissing the base of his neck, you heard a soft whine from his lips as you continued to move your hands over every inch of his body. Keeping your cheek against the back of his neck, you whispered “I love you” softly. Having already confessed to him and knowing that he didn’t believe in love, you did it because you thought he needed to hear that someone loved him, that someone cares for him before he left for the Air Force, just so he wouldn’t give up when things got bleak as a dark December day.

Leaning back into you, your arms wrapped around him, his weight against you was comforting to you as you held him in your arms, never wanting to let him go. Trying to keep your breathing normal, you could have easily broke into tears in that moment, letting your guard down but you didn’t want him to worry, not wanting to push him further away from you.

Exchanging a few kisses, you could feel a different dynamic this time compared to all of the others, the passion was gone, the connection was gone. Knowing that this was the end, you poured all of your feelings into each and every kiss that you gave him not wanting to leave anything unsaid.

The chime of his phone broke the kiss as he looked at the text, saying that he had to go home, you slipped back behind the wheel and buckled yourself in.

Driving back to your house, where his truck was parked, the cab of the truck was quiet. Turning off the truck, letting him make his move either towards you or for the handle on the door. Watching him out of the corner of your eye, you hoped that he Turning down the radio, you could feel the tension in the air as you looked over at him cautiously, not wanting to scare him away. He turned down the radio, you looked over at him. Feeling that he was wrestling with something but you just waited.

“I can’t do this anymore” He whispered, breaking the silence. “I don’t want to hurt you… I can’t…”

“I would be willing to get hurt for you” You told him, the truth pouring from your heart.

“I’m changing my life and I don’t want to hold you back, you deserve someone who isn’t me.“ His eyes stayed away from mine, his hands playing with one another in his lap.

Knowing how hard it must be for him to say this, I leaned a little closer, “If you need someone to talk to I am here for you”

“I don’t need anyone” His cold words shattered the barrier around your heart, his eyes looking up and locking with yours, “I would rather be alone. No one is going to love me and I don’t need anyone”

Yet everyone needs someone.

“You are such a special guy, so kind, generous, loving..” You continued to pour your heart into words, words that you could form at least.

He turned and looked into my eyes, “I don’t want to hurt you, I can’t.”

“I did all of this to make you happy”, He whispered as it all hit you.

Knowing that this was the end, you tore your eyes away from his unwillingly, looking at your steering wheel, you dragged your fingers across the leather seems fighting the tears once more. Looking over at him, you nodded, biting your lip as the tears stayed in your eyes.

“I understand” You reassured, knowing what he was going through

“I’m not who I used to be, not since my ex broke up with me, before we met” He told you, nodding your head, you knew all too well that everyone changes after breakups but it depends on what you do next that decides your character. Do you stay down or do you pick yourself up and try again for the chance to find your best friend.

Pulling you in close, his larger hand guided you head to his shoulder. His arms tight around you, not wanting to let you go as you held onto him tightly. Feeling the uneasy breathing of his body, kissing his cheek you pulled away but he held you tighter. Mutually, both of you pulled away from each other after a while, looking up into his eyes, you saw his beautifully colored eyes brimmed with tears, reddened and bloodshot, it was a sight that you haven’t witness anytime before. Watching the tears build, you lifted up your thumb and slowly brushed away his tears and waited.

Kissing your cheek he whispered a soft and low goodbye next to your ear, his voice slightly cracking with emotion. Retracting his arms from you, he reached over fort he door hand and opened the door, he stepped out of you truck, walked over to his, opened his door, started his truck.

Taking one last look at me from behind the steering wheel, I gave him a soft smile before he pulled out. Waving to me, I waved back to him before I watched his truck slowly drive down the long driveway knowing that this was goodbye forever.