CHRISTMAS DAY

 

Have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so you just stare blankly into space while feeling your heart break into pieces.

 

A few days later, Yoongi, Namjoon and Jimin barged into your apartment with overnight bags and faces filled with worry and panic. It was nearing a week since you last contacted them and it only happened once before. Back when you were too attacked with rumors, too disgusted with yourself, too plagued by nightmares, too insecure with your body, too suffocated with responsibilities, too disappointed by your achievements and too pressured by society.

The last time you weren’t reachable with your phone turned off for days was when your bed was filled with blood, your pillow wet with tears and your warm blanket thrown off to the floor, stained with wine and shattered glass scattered over the mess you made. Yoongi, Namjoon and Jimin found you with tears streaming down your swollen red eyes, staring into the ceiling of your bedroom where they painted the galaxy.

The day they first saw you breakdown in front of them as they ignored the mess and the day when the three of them thought your last words to them would be a broken and weak ‘Sorry’;thinking their first aid didn’t make it in time because there’s too much blood. That scene was forever engraved in their hearts, minds and souls. This was also the reason why you always have to charge your phone excluding the time you play games in them, so they could contact you.

Having handsome, attractive, talented, disciplined, well-mannered, knowledgeable and adorkable male best friends is tough during your school years, more so when puberty was kind enough to hit them like a wrecking ball. The girls are all too jealous because you’re surrounded with their attention and they envied the protectiveness they showed. They spread rumors majority believed to be true and you were bullied when your three “bodyguards” are out of sight.

You stayed strong and fought back but the rumors kept coming and you had had enough. The saying “Be careful of what you hear a girl because rumors either come from a dude that can’t get her or a girl who can’t compete with her.” proved to be true to you. Those dorks were also the reason why you have no female friends and some approach you just to be close with the guys. Although, the same could be said for yourself when you heard from Yoongi, Namjoon and Jimin how many guys wanted to date you, you highly doubt that’s true. You were touched when you still felt the protectiveness ingrained in their beings since day 7 is still present till this day.

Of course, you didn’t let any one of the rumors define you. You learned from it, proved them wrong and stayed bright and true to yourself. You showed all your talents, did well in your studies, excelled in the arts of dancing and gained recognition and awards together with your best friends.

Putting the spare key to good use, the three guys went directly to your bedroom, shouting your name. You almost didn’t hear them screaming as you continued to look out the open window, blankets around your slightly shivering frame. Your eyes followed the movement of the falling snow and you felt you can sympathize with them. Feeling their heart break a little when they saw your pale skin and dark eye bags. They put down their bags and cautiously approached you.

Sensing movement in your peripheral vision, you slowly looked at your right and smiled. Jimin had to look away, not wanting to see how fake and weak and dull your smile was. You whispered a small “Hey.” which they took a sign to move closer.

Raking a hand through your newly brushed, drying wet hair, you closed your eyes at the relaxing feeling it gave. Namjoon frowned and thought of how to ask you how many hours you stayed in the bathtub staring at nothing. Jimin took notice of the coldness of the room and promptly shut the window.

“How do you feel?” Namjoon murmured, flinching as he touched your cold hand. You soullessly looked at Namjoon’s eyes before whispering, your voice cracking.

“Broken.”

The three of them flinched at your tone, so empty and void of any feeling.

“Have you eaten?” Yoongi silently asked, nudging you to get out of the position you were in. Namjoon held out another hand to help you out of the window seat and Jimin was there to steady you when you stumbled.

“...I have.” you weakly nodded as you all sat down the bed. Seeing the time and date for the first time in days, you gasped and looked at the guys. “I’m sorry. I didn’t charge my phone because I think I lost my charger…?”

“It’s okay. We can buy you a new one.” Namjoon dismissed it, searching the room for something sharp, a hand still at your wrist, feeling your weak pulse. Jimin turned the air conditioner off with a frown and proceeded to turn the heater on. “So what food did you eat? Please tell us you didn’t starve yourself.”

You wryly smiled. “Sorry.”

The single word had them sighing in unison. Yoongi moved to get out of the bed, “I’ll make us something.”

“No!” you protested, pouting. “Can we just stay like this for a few more minutes? It’s been a while.” you requested, closing your eyes and humming a tune as you lay your head on Jimin’s shoulder.

“What’s that song?” Yoongi asked, not identifying it. They saw light in your eyes as you respond.

“It’s one of the songs my soulmate sings to me when my dreams are pitch black.” you smiled. “It was like he was giving his hand to me to pull me out of darkness, he’s the light to my dreams.”

There was a pause before you continued, frowning. “These past few days…I can’t hear it anymore…I don’t feel him…I don’t see him. I miss him. I don’t even know him. But I do miss him.” you felt your tears well up again but you held back when you saw the falling snow. “Falling snow…falling…” your eyes closed a bit as you snuggled up to warmth Jimin gave as his worried eyes met the serious eyes of his hyungs.

Now they knew what was wrong and their worry increased tenfold. You were rapidly slipping in the final stages of Soul Anxiety and they didn’t even notice. The guys also thought you didn’t know. They weren’t sure but the increased lack of appetite, forgetfulness, slipping in and out of consciousness, loss of soulmate contact in dreams were a sure sign of it. That is a red alert.

It was quiet for half an hour, the three guys watching over you as you slept and wanting to see you all right. You suddenly gasped, eyes opening wide and darting from left to right, unseeing and moving away from Jimin before breathing in and out harshly. Nightmares got included in the list.

You blinked your eyes as you saw Jimin, Namjoon and Yoongi. Smiling widely, you greeted them with a sigh of relief. “Guys!! You’re here!”

When you were met with deadpanned stares, you shrunk a bit. “Is there something wrong?” you mumbled, unsure.

That confirmed it. You didn’t know what’s happening.

“Sweetheart, tell us when you met your soulmate again…” Jimin cooed, your hair. You weakly smiled and closed your eyes.

“Convenience store..water…park..” you murmured, slipping to sleep without meaning to.

“What?” Namjoon demanded, “No, Y/N. Wake up. You didn’t tell us that. When. Was. that.”

Seeing it was of no use and you went straight to unconsciousness, Yoongi sighed helplessly and went out the bedroom to set up a fort. A few minutes, Jimin easily carried your sleeping figure inside the fort and laying you down. Not one of them slept a wink that night.

You woke up feeling refreshed and with the aroma of coffee wafting through the air. You smiled at the blankets above you before stretching like a cat…Wait, blankets? Feeling alert and cautious, your eyes went wide and scanned your surroundings. You cautiously popped your head out the entrance and was met with three sassy eyebrows raised, three piercing eyes and three frowning lips.

“Uhh…Good morning?” you supplied, grinning a bit. Seeing you feeling like yourself a bit, the three of them relaxed. You looked curiously at them. “Am I in trouble? Did something happened?”

“Yes, Y/N.”

“Make your self comfortable first.” When you did, Jimin crossed his arms.

“NOW, tell us when you’re going to tell that you met your soulmate at a convenience store with water and went to the park, huh?”

You stared at them for three whole seconds before gasping and pointing at Jimin. “H-HOw’d you know that?!”

“Busted. So you didn’t dye your hair at the salon but that’s the color your soulmate chose.” Yoongi stated, tsk-ing. You bit your lower lip. You were in trouble alright.

“Okay…so should I sing Sorry Sorry now?” you asked, blinking innocently.

“No need for that.” Namjoon said, “So tell us when we’re going to meet him.”

“Um…there’s a reason for that.” you looked guilty.

“You see, I didn’t want to tell you guys because you’ll lecture me about lowering my alcohol intake. I was driving back home from the club but I decided to stop by the park to sober up some more. I know I should’ve let Monie drive me back but I thought I was sober enough…now, I think it was just adrenaline rush…” you nodded to yourself at that statement. “So when I decided that it was too cold in the park, I drove to the nearby convenience store…I think I tripped or something but someone caught me. They patted my head and gave me a bottle of water I was going to buy and then I went home.”

“And then?” Jimin asked, motioning you to continue.

“...And then I woke up, passed my project, washed up and realized my hair turned to this color.” you sheepishly smiled “…I couldn’t remember what he looked like. Please don’t get mad.”

The three were stumped by your story.

Well they certainly didn’t expect that. You stared in a distance for a moment, emotions crashing down at you all at once. The feeling of emptiness, hurt, longing, pain and heartbreak lingering in your heart. Your brain seemed confused why Jungkook flashed through your mind and why your heart clenched at the thought of someone being with the younger and how you met your soulmate but you didn’t see their face and how the hand feels too big to be your soulmate’s and how that didn’t feel right. Blinking as you went back to reality, you acknowledged the three dorks.

“I think I need to buy some Tylenol.” you weakly said, feeling the emotions bottled up threatening to burst.

“Huh? Why?” Jimin asked, confused.

“No, they said Tylenol numb not only physical pain but emotional pain as well.”

Yoongi looked at you as if you were crazy. (Read: You are but not that crazy.)

“Don’t get suicidal on us, Y/N.” Yoongi deadpanned, miraculously getting up and going through your bag confiscating your wallet, your card holder and coin purse then going towards a cabinet and also getting your bankbook. “Now unless you have a safe you haven’t told us about, I’m not giving you this until you are sane enough. I’ll burn your books if you ever lied to me about it.”

You gaped at him like a fish for a moment before snapping out of it.

“Min freaking Yoongi, I have clients to meet! AND DON’T BURN MY BOOKS!!”

Namjoon shrugged and put his arm around your shoulders.

“Yoongi’s right, honey. We’ll drive you wherever. We won’t need a repeat of the last time, yeah?”

Jimin frowned, remembering the blood, the cuts and your heart wrenching cries. He took your arms and brushed his fingertips on certain places. There were no scars left but they all knew and memorized where the jagged lines had been. You bit your lower lip and smiled weakly.

“I promised I won’t do it ever again, didn’t I?” you whispered.

Jimin smiled weakly, kissing your cheek lightly. “We’re just making sure.”

“Now tell us why you want to buy some Tylenol.” Namjoon demanded, directing you towards the direction of the couch.

“I…I want to meet my soulmate…but I also don’t want to see him…” you mumbled. “I’m not beautiful enough.”

“Please don’t say that.” Jimin said, frowning and cupping your face with his hands. “Those who said you weren’t beautiful are just jealous and insecure of themselves.”

“You’ve overcome this before, Y/N.” Yoongi stated, giving you a plate filled with kimbap. “Eat this first before you fall back to hating your body.”

You looked at the food and felt like throwing up. Seeing your expression, Namjoon shook his head. Too late.

Being mentally & physically unhealthy is a major part of Soul Anxiety. It also brings back the hardest challenge you had ever came across during that past few years. Jimin’s situation was only on the first stages and now the three worried because it seems you’ve skipped some stages and went straight to the critical part.

Now, only finding your soulmate could be the only cure.

“I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is to be with someone” you quoted Dan Howell as you saw the book you recently finished reading by the coffee table. Your look turned wistful. “I wanted to cry…but the tears won’t fall.”

Hours after finally convincing them that you wouldn’t harm yourself and telling them that you don’t want them to miss work because of you, the three worried and overprotective dorks reluctantly left you alone after you contacted their soulmates to leave you alone. After writing a promise on a piece of paper and signing it, they finally left.

You were the one who didn’t sleep that night at all.

A dream is a picture of a possibility. We should have a strong heart and a prepared mind to turn that into a reality.

 

For Jungkook, when he first saw you…

He wants to know you more.

Is he being selfish?

It was like something keeps attracting you to him and he can’t get enough.

He wants to know your likes and dislikes.

Your tastes and preferences.

Everything.

He didn’t know why he feels this way, maybe because you’re his first love.

The first girl that could ever make him feel so many things in just a matter of seconds and be surprised by everything you do.

From dancing your heart out to letting your emotions out through a song, Jungkook was fascinated by it. He wanted to see your dance more and wanted to hear you sing even if it’s off-tune or not. Hearing your voice as you talk to him and see the bright eyes you have, is enough to make his day.

When he found out his mark appeared, he felt he has a chance to be your soulmate. After all, it’s very common for your marks not to show simultaneously, right? Yeahh…

After practice for a dance performance he has to do, Jungkook feels irritation in his entire being and became mad at himself after his hair changed color. Maybe because he can’t sing and dance well plagued by the brief interaction and the sudden color change.

Sleepless nights came and he never had a decent sleep for the following days anymore. He felt exhausted and irate. He needed to unwind and let himself go.

“When things get tiring, hyung comes and encourages me and supports me from behind. He listens to my problems diligently.” Jungkook observed as Jimin fooled around with Taehyung on yet another impromptu date.

The couple attacked Jungkook when they sighted him walking alone in the huge mall he wandered in.

“I met my soulmate, but I don’t know where she is now.” he said, face void of emotion.

The maknae cursed his luck. He doesn’t really want to see any loving couple he knows for a few more days.

“We’ve both been thinking about this, kookie.” Jimin started, munching on a cookie.

“How’d you know it’s a she?” Taehyung continued, sipping from Jimin’s drink.

That made Jungkook think. He thought of his dreams and unconsciously smiled.

“I just know… Soulmate feeling.” Jimin and Taehyung glanced at each other and smiled knowingly as the younger ignored them and looked out the window.

“Then how about letting us see your mark now?”

“Yeah, we can help you find her with it.”

Jungkook shook his head. “That’s impossible. It’s somewhere not visible.”

“Where is it, then?” Jimin asked curiously.

“In my back.” he said, smiling as he remembered the mark.

“So that’s why you don’t change in front of us anymore!” Taehyung said, pointing at a flustered Jungkook. “You really didn’t want us to see it!”

“How mean, Jungkook-ah!!” Jimin exclaimed, shaking his head.

Jungkook just laughed it off as his hyungs sulked.

Taking Jimin’s advice to heart, Jungkook went to a school supply store after a light snack with his hyungs. He purchased a new sketchbook and new drawing pencils and an eraser while ignoring the couple who tailed---accompanied him.

After finding a decent place to start his masterpiece, Jungkook settled on the mall’s rooftop and smiled at the sky. Jimin and Taehyung left him in that place to explore the wonders of the stores below with the promise of coming to get him by sunset so they could eat together.

Jungkook didn’t mind, he could make his hyungs pay for his meal anyway. He started sketching as his soulmate came to mind, tuning out the background noise of people around him. He closed his eyes a lot of times to rack his mind of his soulmate’s features and smiled as he can distinctly remember joyful laughs and hear her call his name.

After another drawing, he bopped his head to the music as he put his earphones on to focus more. He could remember dreams of his soulmate dancing, eating, shopping and at the end she always seem to reach her hand out to him. He nodded to himself and started sketching the scenarios.

After a few more rough sketches and a number of complete sketches later, true to their word, Jimin and Taehyung came to get Jungkook as the sun set, the rare warmth of the winter sun transitioning to the chill of the winter night.

“What are you drawing?” Jimin asked, letting an awed sound as Jungkook filled the blank space with swift and firm movements.

“The person in my dreams.” Jungkook replied as he smiled as he continued shadowing.

“Are you always this good at drawing?” Jimin inquired, his fingers twitching as he wanted to draw something, too.

“Everyone in my family is, they say.” Jungkook said as Taehyung attested by nodding in agreement.

“We should go to Kookie’s cousin’s art museum. That’s where the Jeon’s artworks are mostly placed.” Taehyhung said, smiling at Jimin. Jimin looked at him and nodded.

Jungk