Laughter ricochets off the walls, uncontrollable and with abandon. It sounds normal if one weren't peering into the dorm, Mingyu's large form crumbling under his own laughter like nothing is wrong, but no one is able to laugh along from the mere sound of the brunette's laughter like before. Minghao keeps poking fun of Mingyu's laugh, eyes resembling half-moons (the only one who doesn't let the tension swallow him), but the minute Mingyu meets Wonwoo's stiff features his smile slips. The rest of the members watch the interaction in a way that humans would look upon feral animals; all tense muscles and hyper-aware senses. Mingyu knows there's a divide between him and Wonwoo—parallels that stare but never touch—and he likes it this way. He wants to keep it this way because if remembering was so important why did it hurt so much? Ever since he was a child, Mingyu remembers putting others before him, so why can't he put himself first this time? As Mingyu shifts his focus from Wonwoo he realizes that the rest of the members are focusing on him—waiting.

“What,” Mingyu asks with an awkward grin, “I'm not gonna faint guys.” At this everyone looks away as various shades of embarrassment stain their cheeks. Mingyu isn't stupid; as long as he keeps his interactions with Wonwoo small and too a minimum—few and far between—he'll be okay. He's fine with this, more than fine.

Jun scoots closer to Wonwoo and whispers something. Slowly, the rest of the members start to go about their business again and act as if the aside isn't happening. Mingyu diverts his attention back to Minghao, the dancer's eyes staring at Wonwoo and Jun with a strange hostility he doesn't quite understand. “Mingyu,” Seungcheol interrupts the amnesiac's musings, “Are you ready?”

“Ready for what,” Chan pops up with meerkat elegance.

Seungcheol sighs at Mingyu's scrunched face. “His doctor's appointment, remember, he has to go at the end of every week.” Chan's mouth forms an 'o' in realization. Truthfully, with everything going on between Mingyu and Wonwoo, it was easy for the members to forget details like hospital visits. The group's survival is barely floating above the surface as waves narrowly missed them, but not always. Seungkwan snorts and rolls his eyes.

“How can you forget,” the singer mutters, irritation evident, “this whole week has felt more like a century.”

The hyung line, or at least the ones who aren't caught up in the drama, cast Seungkwan a weary glance that the younger immediately shrinks under. Mingyu shifts awkwardly before he finally moves toward the door to put his shoes on. The whole getting ready is a silent endeavor; Mingyu goes to the bathroom and quickly washes his face before frowning at his appearance. Dark circles line his under-eyes and at the rate his insomnia is going, he'll resemble more of a panda than a puppy by the end of the month. Feather touches apply to the tender, slightly swollen flesh. A sigh so heavy that it could cave the floor escapes Mingyu's chapped lips. He's seen better days, but so have the other members. Even if he doesn't like Wonwoo, he realizes he has to make an effort to be civil, play the nice game.

Jun's voice interrupts his thoughts, “Worrying will give you wrinkles.” The blonde man says it with such ease like the thing they have with Wonwoo doesn't exist.

For some reason hearing Jun's voice sets Mingyu's nerves ablaze. Just seeing the man causes something unpleasant to bubble in his stomach but it's not as bad as when he looks at Wonwoo. Sometimes it's frustrating, not remembering, but Mingyu doubts he would just dislike Jun for no reason so he doesn't poke at his brain for answers. He lets the feelings, good and bad, walk through the doors of his mind without stopping them.

“Yeah, I guess,” Mingyu eventually replies in a detached tone as he carefully maneuvers pass the shorter man. When he walks into the room, he sees Minghao stop talking as he turns from Seungcheol. The brunette's face is harsh, all sharp edges and turned-down lips.

“I'm sorry,” the leader exhales as he looks over everyone, but his gaze lingers a little longer on Minghao, “but no one but me and the manager can accompany Mingyu.”

“Why,” Hansol questions and soon the other members are nodding their heads and parrot the question right back.

Mingyu bites on his bottom lip as Seungcheol casts him a cursory glance. The questions don't stop though and Mingyu can see steam coming out of the leader's ears. “Guys,” Mingyu shouts equal parts exasperated and tired, “be nice to Seungcheol-hyung, that's just what the manager said. So, we'll just have to deal with it.” The sentence is curt and straight to the point. Mingyu make sure he leaves no room for arguments, casting a sharp glance to Minghao who was about a second away form arguing but snaps his jaw shut.

“We've been dealing with it,” Soonyoung sighs as if he were a dejected mother who isn't angry but rather disappointed in her child. Mingyu doesn't have a chance to look back at their faces because Seungcheol shuts the door. The walk from the dorm to the parking lot is tense and silent, both Seungcheol and Mingyu lost in their thoughts. Everything still feels surreal to Mingyu, that he really has forgotten someone who is important to him, or so the members say. It's a rule in the dorm not to bring up whatever Wonwoo used to be to Mingyu, and even though Mingyu has never heard it explicitly stated, the members look like they just killed a man when they mention something about the past before they realize what they're saying. Mingyu would find it rather funny if it wasn't so awkward and despondent. Climbing into the van, Mingyu greets the manager with a soft 'hey' before resting his head against the window. He closes his eyes almost immediately. The manager and Seungcheol must think he's asleep; however, because soon Mingyu hears the low murmurs and his name on occasion. He doesn't want to know what the discussion is about; however, and listens to the soft vibration of the car and other vehicles zooming by.

Hah hi ho love hah hi ho love
tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu

The much too handsome doctor from last time, or as his name-tag reads Moon Jisung, greets Mingyu with a friendly smile and clipboard already in hand.

“So, Mingyu, during these cheek-ups I'll just be asking a series of questions, okay? If you don't feel comfortable answering them, you don't have to. Please try to answer all of them though, okay?”

Mingyu nods, suddenly wishing he could have convinced Jisung to let Seungcheol stay in the room but it would have 'altered his answers' although Mingyu doesn't see how. Jisung taps his pen on the clipboard and crosses his legs.

“Okay, the first question, how are your migraines?”

“I don't get the a lot, just...whenever something seems familiar it starts to hurt.”

“Does it hurt being around Wonwoo-ssi?”

Mingyu is tempted to say yes. It's not a physical pain he feels but something deeper, like his heart suddenly drops to his feet.

“I understand if you don't want to answer,” the doctor thankfully goes on, “You look tired. How are your sleeping habits?”

Mingyu furrows his brows. He knows that there's a doctor-patient confidentiality and holding back information will do him no good. Plus, he really misses sleeping. “I remember in my sleep. It's not clear memories, more like weird images, but it's like my brain is trying to say that it's important-”

“Like symbolism,” the doctor notes down with a nod, “please continue.”

“Well, it just hurts? It make me wake up and sometimes they're not pleasant and are more like nightmares so it's hard to get back to sleep.”

Jisung nods and writes it all down. A few more questions pass that Mingyu doesn't see why he has to answer them. Things like how his eating habit is, activity level, how he feels on a daily basis. Just as it seems Jisung is about done with the questions, Mingyu speaks up, “Umm, if you don't mind me asking, what do those questions have to do with my amnesia?” Jisung looks up from the board and suddenly Mingyu feels like the world's biggest idiot. Jisung offers a small smile as he places the clipboard on his lap.

As if sensing Mingyu's thoughts, the doctor replies, “That's a good question. You remember how I told you this type of amnesia is very rare?” Mingyu nods. “Well, the rarer something is, the harder it is to figure out the side effects. Some people who suffer from amnesia are susceptible to depression. Either from blaming themselves for not being able to remember, or feeling bad for causing others problems. It all depends on the person, but I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. I have read on a few studies though, that anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication can help with your condition.”

“Will they cure my amnesia,” Mingyu questions.

Does he want it cured?

“Well, no. Honestly, there's no cure for amnesia nor anxiety or depression, really. The only thing you can do is wait it out, develop better coping strategies, and figure your feelings out. It's all very much a learning experience.”

Mingyu nods, “I see...”

Jisung runs a hand through his hair, “What I can do; however, is prescribe you something for your insomnia. You seem like a responsible young man,” Mingyu flushes a bit under the praise, “what I'm going to give you is rather strong, so don't take more than one a night. I'd take it thirty minutes before going to bed, it doesn't take long for it to kick in.”

Mingyu nods and shakes hands with Jisung before leaving with his prescription. One down, two more appointments to go.

빠라빠빠 이런 몹쓸병 (몹쓸병)

Monday rolls around the corner with less tension than before, but that could just be because Mingyu's too caught up in his own thoughts lately. He keeps thinking back to the doctor, or rather the series of questions. If there was a cure for this, would he take it? Should he take it? The rational part of him screams yes, but the more selfish side of him whispers that they're fine living like this. He's fine living like this. Does he want Wonwoo to suffer? Even though Mingyu is still unsure of how to feel about the elder, he wants to say no, so why is he okay living like this? Seungcheol interrupts his thoughts as a he dangles a white bag in front of his face.

“Your medication is here,” the raven-haired man states, setting the bag onto the kitchen counter. Mingyu hums, bounding over to the shorter male as he opens the bag. The bottle is small, almost looking like a toy in his hand, but the pills look rather large. Mingyu turns the orange bottle curiously. Setting it back down, he looks toward the door where the manager is still standing there stiffly.

“Is there something wrong,” Jisoo inquires with furrowed brows.

“Where are the other members?”

Seungcheol counts on his fingers, “Some are asleep, a few went out. Why?”

The manager doesn't offer any explanation as he tells Seungcheol, “Get them. I have something to announce.”

Mingyu's face twists in displeasure. Surprises are never good, and judging by the solemn look on the manager's face, this is no exception. Seungcheol and Jisoo exchange glances, their hyung telepathy going on again, before Jisoo goes to the rooms to wake up the sleeping members. Mingyu watches as Seungcheol calls someone on the phone, gently plucking up the prescription bottle and focuses halfheartedly at the label as he starts speaking. The conversation doesn't last long, three minutes top, and by the time the leader is done a sleepy Jeonghan, Seokmin, Chan, and Wonwoo emerge from the room. Mingyu's partially surprised to see Jun absent.

“They should be coming soon,” Seungcheol comments as he places the bottle atop of the fridge.

Chan yawns and rubs his eyes drowsily, ambling along to the couch before he unceremoniously drops. Jeonghan follows, but immediately straightens up as he sees the manager standing there with an anxious looking Seungcheol and Jisoo flanking his side. Mingyu doubts he looks any better.

“Is something wrong,” he questions as he smooths out his messy hair.

Jisoo shakes his head, “We have to wait till everyone is here.”

Jeonghan bites his lip but nods. Mingyu chooses to keep standing as the only space available on the couch in next to Wonwoo. Whether the other three had planned that or not, Mingyu isn't sure, but he does know that he much rather stand than take a seat next to the person he deems no better than a stranger; to him at least.

And that's how the other members walk in on them, occupying an uneasy silence. The unit leaders gather together, something that's been happening more as of late, as Jun drags Wonwoo down onto the floor while Minghao takes the spot. Mingyu still chooses to stand, shifting occasionally, but it doesn't take long for everyone to get situated and for the manager to start talking again. The man clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck.

“As you guys know, major activities have been put to a halt because of,” he side-eyes Mingyu and Wonwoo, “reasons. We all thought a week would be long enough time to get this sorted, but Seungcheol has informed me that things have not improved. So, for the sake of the group, we will be going on a bonding exercise.”

A chorus of groans and complaints spill out of the members mouths. Mingyu doesn't complain outwardly, but he does puff out his cheeks. Knowing Pledis and how cheap the company can be sometimes, no one has high hopes for this 'team building' exercise. Even Seungcheol's face screws up in displeasure at the apparent suggestion of a trip.

“Do we have to?”

“I don't know, will you guys be able to pretend everything is all right in front of fans,” the manager bites back, perhaps the extra ferocity fully intended or not, but it does stop the complaints. Mingyu watches as the members look down at the floor or at the ceiling, anywhere but in the general direction of the manager. By this time, the unit leaders have positioned themselves between the looming presence of their manager and the rest of the members. They all know the answer and they can't just make promises they don't intend to keep. Minghao bristles but doesn't say anything.

The fans don't need to see this side of them, a side that every idol has to neatly tuck and place in the dark.

Soonyoung looks back at them, then at Mingyu, before he turns to the manager.

“Okay, we'll go. Besides, it might be fun,” the optimism of the words don't match the reluctance in the brunette's voice that Mingyu doubts Soonyoung himself notices. The manager takes the answer nonetheless.

“Very well, we'll leave first thing tomorrow. You should all start packing tonight.”

Okay, talk about super short notice. Mingyu watches as Jihoon runs a hand through his hair, shoulders bunched up and visibly tense. Seungcheol looks equally as frustrated but more in a defeated, exhausted sense, like he wants to fight but knows that it's no use.

“I know you are all going through a lot,” the manager tries to alleviate the tension, “but we're just worried is all. There's an unusual amount of hostility between a few of you,” the manager wisely doens't let his gaze linger on any of the members even though they all knew who he was referring to, “and the sooner you can get over this the easier your fans will feel.” The attempt to soothe the ache doesn't work because Mingyu starts to walk across and to his room.

He gets it, he gets that this is all his fault and none of the members wouldn't have to go through all these stupid things if he would just stop being a baby and face whatever it is he's running from. Why does he have to be the one unhappy though? Why does he have to be the mature one? Why is it that the only way to solve things is for him to get hurt? Mingyu curls in on himself and shuts his eyes tightly. It's not like he ever asked for this—wanted this. Maybe it's better this way though, but if it's better why doesn't it feel that way?

Mingyu burrows his face into the pillow as he feels the bed dip down. “Hey,” Jihoon's voice, unusually soft and gentle, whispers, “this isn't your fault.”

A muffled response follows. Huffing a bit, Jihoon reaches his hand out to grasp the tan boys shoulder. His much paler hand hesitates, stilling mid-air, before he does finally make contact with the downtrodden brunette. Mingyu doesn't remember a time Jihoon being so gentle, at least to him. It isn't unpleasant, but he can't help but feel that it should be someone else here, he's just not sure who. Slowly peeling his face away from the pillow, Mingyu gingerly sits up, legs crossed as he looks at Jihoon. He wonders how the male would react if he hugged him.

“Yah, Kim Mingyu,” Jihoon starts with a firm resolve, “don't be sad, things happen. Nothing going on is any of your fault, understand?”

“Y-yeah...”

“You don't have to remember if you don't want to. It's like the doctor said, it'll happen when it happens. And until then, I won't let anyone hurt you.” As Jihoon finishes Mingyu is unable to control himself anymore. Tears well up in his eyes and before Jihoon knows it he has an armful of the rapper. The smaller male freezes for a moment, unsure of what to do, but decides to just let the front side of his shirt get wet as he runs a hand through Mingyu's hair.

A moment of weakness, a moment of understanding—the sky stops falling in.

Mingyu lets the self-hatred roll off of him and soak the cotton of Jihoon's shirt, trapping the feeling. Maybe, during this time, Mingyu can't believe in much, but he allows himself to believe in Jihoon's words.

It's enough.

숨이 막혀 죽을 것 같아

“Why are we taking two vans,” Hansol inquires as he sees the two vehicles parked, their manager and an assistant manager waiting in front of them.

The assistant manager, a much younger looking man with a more toned physique, speaks up, “We thought it would be easier carrying your bags instead of just shoving all of them into one.” The rest of the members just shrug, all of them still half-asleep or in Jeonghan's case, falling asleep on Jisoo. Mingyu holds in a quiet snicker as he debates which van to get into. The last thing he wants is to be stuck in a small, confined room with Wonwoo and to a lesser extent Jun.

“Hey, Hao, wanna ride together,” Mingyu suggests to the rather alert looking dancer. Even though the pills worked last night, five was still too early to be getting up and ready to go somewhere.

“Actually, Minghao-hyung is coming with us, right,” Chan intercepts with a large grin, Hansol flanking Minghao's other side. The maknae's line behaviour has been rather suspicious since this morning, constantly casting short glances to Mingyu when they think he's not paying attention. Which, for the most part he isn't, it was in fact Seokmin who had pointed this out to him. Chan's too sweet for any devious acts; however, and Hansol is just the type not to play pranks on people so Mingyu brushes off the smiling maknae line with a nod.

Minghao, on the other hand, seems much more reluctant as he tries to wiggle his way free. “You can still sit with us-”

“Sorry, hyung,” Chan interrupts with a sheepish smile, “Seokmin-hyung, Seungkwan-hyung, Soonyoung-hyung, and Jisoo-hyung are already in the van.”

“Jeonghan-hyung isn't going with Jisoo-hyung?”

Hansol gives him an are-you-serious stare complete with an eyebrow raise.

“No, they don't have to always be together, what are they, married,” the brunette jokes.

“Well, it's fine Minghao, I'll just go in the other van,” Mingyu trails off as he starts walking to the others. Putting his bags into the trunk, he steps inside the much too cool van. Like he had suspected, Jun and Wonwoo are huddled in the back, Wonwoo already fast asleep again, resting his head on the blonde's shoulder. Mingyu chooses to sit next to Jeonghan and the window; Jihoon gives him a nod of acknowledgment before staring back out his own side of the van.

“You're not with Minghao,” Jeonghan questions.

“Nah, the maknae line really wanted him for some reason...”

Jeonghan snickers but Seungcheol turns around from the passenger seat giving a slight frown. “That's kind of weird,” the leader mutters just as Jeonghan croons out a “how cute”. The two eldest stare at each other in surprise.

“Why is that weird?”

“I just—nevermind.”

Mingyu and Jeonghan exchange a glance before shrugging.

지독한 병이든 어제도 오늘도 너무 아프기만 해

The drive from Seoul to Damyang is three hours give or take the occasional break for food and bathroom. The town looks like the small, sleep ones in those romance animes Jisoo is so fond of watching, but there's a certain charm there that has Mingyu hypnotized. On either side of them is nature and so much greenery that it feels a tad bit overwhelming. Seoul is beautiful, but the kind of beauty that seems cold and distant.

The place they're staying is like a mini-inn that Pledis no doubt rented out so there was no chance for them to run into a fan just in case. Although, Mingyu highly doubts they'll meet many fans, especially outside major cities.

“Fresh air, just what I needed,” Seungkwan moans as he stretches his arms over his head. The other members, who are much less excited, stumble out of the van like foals learning how to walk.

“Okay everyone, get your stuff so we can check in,” the manager announces as the assistant manager is the first to walk into the mini-hotel. The building looks large enough to accommodate them and then some, but the size was nothing compared to the ones in Seoul. The one before them is smaller with a more charming feeling and probably most likely a much more extensive past. There's a short dirt path that leads up to their new housing with short, glossy, green grass tickling their ankles as they walked.

Mingyu trails back, admiring the scenery, but something quickly catches his eye.

“Oh, look, a flower,” he comments as he scoops down to study the odd flower.

“Leave that, Mingyu,” Jeonghan comments in a bored manner, “that's just a dandelion. Nothing but a weed.”

Mingyu scrunches his face but listens to the singer anyway. “It's a pretty weed,” he mumbles quietly under his breath as he catches up to the rest, ignoring the dull throbbing in his head.  

A/N: So this is a pretty relaxing, angst chapter where no one yells but there is quite a bit of wanting to cry and actual crying. Seungcheol and the manager have a lot of conversations going on don't they? And the maknae line is acting odd, or is it just Mingyu's paranoia? I hope you guys liked the short break because next chapter is wehre drama starts up again. So stay tuned! And like always please don't forget to comment/subscribe!

PS: The song of the day is called 'Loveholic- Loveholic' and I'm currently obsessed with it

PPS: Read this blog post x it's really importat