If humans were perfect
Humanity
Humming softly to the melody of an all too familiar song , Byunghun had his eyes closed , expression peaceful as he sat comfortably on the couch he had come to occupy much of the time as of late .
The deeper he delved in his imagined serenity , the more his fogged up brain became clearer as he leant in resting his head against the soft material that pleasantly met the nape of his neck .
He blinked few times then willed his eyes shut focusing on what the darkness had offered him until he fell into his recent routine , self-hypnosis relaxation therapy .
Slowly , the darkness had dissipated , replaced with a bright azure blanket garnished with softness of white clouds scattered here and there randomly yet beautifully .
His form had been engulfed by very soft clothing almost as if caressing his being and the mat beneath his figure felt just as heavenly soft .
In the distance , he could hear the joyful sounds of birds chirping adding to the beauty and serenity of the whole scene and it wasn’t long before such symphony got accompanied by a soft whistle as a fleeting breeze passed by swaying the trees and causing them to rustle gently .
He decided it was the perfect moment to sit up and so he did . Upon stretching his muscles and letting out a cheerful sigh , he felt blissful and then as he moved his gaze towards the sand , he was in complete awe .
If one would compare it to a human being then it would have been a very pale-skinned one that still managed to look appealing nonetheless .
The pearly sand felt wonderfully soft against the palm of his hand and too fragile escaping through the spacing between his fingers only to fall down and join their own kind , sprinkled and twinkling in the gentle gleam of the sunlight .
Byunghun’s gaze followed the myriad of sand beads and further towards the clearness of the waves , bubbles of salt accumulating on the rim of the ocean .
In the distance , he could faintly make out the sound of footsteps approaching him but chose to ignore it in favor of delving deeper in his own imagined serenity until he felt considerable weight on his lap . Rich brown eyes fluttered open , first catching a glimpse of the ceiling then gradually going down to the weight on his lap .
Unconsciously , he found himself petting Chanhee’s hair .
The elder closed his eyes gradually and let out a sigh of satisfaction relaxing as the steady pattern lulled him to sleep .
However , the soothing motion halted . Chanhee waited for the gentle touch to resume but something seemed to have distracted Byunghun and so the elder willed his eyes open , blinked and gazed at Byunghun then followed the younger’s line of sight . Which led him to his own prosthetic leg .
Staring at his lover’s supposed legs with familiar guilt and sadness , Byunghun ignored the lump in his throat as he tried valiantly to mask his sorrow .
I shall spend the rest of my life seeking forgiveness and atonement for my sins .
“ Instead of thinking of it as a drawback , think of it as an evidence of how our love had the ability to withstand such situation . “ Chanhee spoke up softly as he moved Byunghun’s hand from his hair and gave it a gentle squeeze .
A very weak smile etched itself on Byunghun’s face as he lowered his head and placed a lingering kiss on Chanhee’s hand that were holding his .
I’ll try . But I can’t promise .
Such traumatic experience left him scarred , losing the ability to communicate through audible language , his mind unconsciously deeming it only fair to share the pain , a rather heart breaking compensation ( a disability of his own . )
He thought it was the right thing . He thought it was only fair that he shares Chanhee his pain .
But ..
Apparently the elder didn't share the same opinion .
frankly speaking , Byunghun didn't expect his condition to have such repercussions on Chanhee .
He deserved it .. Then why.. Why was Chanhee giving him those pained looks as if .. As if he didn't want Byunghun in pain when he himself was suffering because of the younger ?? Chanhee shouldn't have to pay for Byunghun’s deeds and yet … He did .
In the end , Chanhee forgave him so easily and he couldn't fathom why .
So he decided even if Chanhee did , he wouldn't forgive himself .
Byunghun was casually walking by the hallway when he heard a very familiar voice coming from the living room .. And no it wasn’t Chanhee’s .
It was Byunghun’s own voice .
His eyebrows knitted as he recognized the voice recording he had sent Chanhee one day .
They were texting and the elder wanted to keep an evidence of his lover singing after he lost in one of their games .
Who would have thought that such whimsical idea would be the only way for Chanhee to hear his lover’s voice once again !
Feeling his heart weigh down heavily , Byunghun struggled for his breath as he turned to leave like he usually would when the pain got too sharp .
He would run away and pretend he didn’t hear anything and maybe that way , Chanhee himself would give up .
“ Wait up . “
Byunghun’s steps halted , his eyes shifted everywhere slowly and nervously .
“ I can’t hear your voice anymore but I can surely hear the sound of your steps . You can’t hide that from me , Byunghun . “
He summoned all the power he could try and masked the undeniable hurt in his voice . He set his phone on the table and slowly approached the younger , a weak smile etched on his face the moment he called his lover’s name .
“ I won’t let you run away . You have to face it . “
Chanhee promised as he turned Byunghun around so that they were face to face gazing at each other intensely .
Byunghun averted his eyes first breaking eye-contact , severing ties , the only language in which they could communicate ever since that day .
The elder felt his heart clench at that .
Chanhee passed the younger a look full of sorrow , one that showed just how broken and bitter he had felt .
He really didn't want to play on the “ Do I deserve this after all I have been through “ string . But .. what other choice did Byunghun leave him ?
Heavy silence descended over them and neither found the courage to break it , afraid whatever they would say might end up adding salt to injury .
Nonetheless , Chanhee risked it .
“ I can't even have a proper fight with you . “ He said dejectedly .
“ I miss your voice so much I don't even care if you are gonna yell at me or whisper sweet nothings .. I just want to hear your voice .. I so desperately want to . “
Chanhee’s voice felt as though arrows , blazing and lethal stabbing Byunghun’s heart continuously . He couldn’t tolerate the amount of pain it brought him having to hear that .. that desperate and broken tone , the plea in Chanhee’s voice .. Even though he wasn’t , it felt like he was crying his eyes out .
Byunghun inhaled sharply as he felt Chanhee retreat , shredding their proximity before leaving the apartment altogether .
Still like a broken doll , Byunghun stood there , tightlipped . His eyes glistened and stung as Chanhee’s words kept ringing in his head like a ghost , refusing to let him be .
After few moments of contemplation , Byunghun straightened up and strode his way to the living room . He casted a glance at the clock , panicking when he realized it was too late .
Chanhee shouldn’t have gone out .
Without a second of hesitance , Byunghun rushed his way out , determined to bring his lover back .
He had to descend the ladder since the building had no elevator and that only worked to further aggravate him .
He didn’t have time for that . He wanted to catch up with Chanhee .
Fortunately , as he finally abandoned the building and spun his head around trying to locate his lover , he caught a glimpse of Chanhee’s figure .
Instinctively , he opened his mouth to call him but nothing came out . The realization hit him like a whirlwind .
With heavy heart and slumped shoulders , he followed Chanhee until he noticed a stranger walking right after the elder as if .. stalking ?
The stranger had a dark aura around him and looked suspicious .
It made a ghastly feeling settle in his chest .
What if ?
No . He was just being his usual worry bug self .
He kept reassuring himself until his eyes landed on the most repugnant scene ever . He stiffened .
The guy had Chanhee in a lock , obviously searching his clothes for something valuable and once he found none , he got miffed and started beating Chanhee in blind anger then spat and left .
By the time Byunghun got there , the damage was done .
He knelt next to the elder , hands instantly roaming over Chanhee’s body examining the bruises .. At first , the elder flinched away not expecting him but as soon as he realized who it was , he relaxed a little .
It was all his fault . Byunghun curled his fists on Chanhee’s clothes . If he hadn’t been such an with Chanhee , none of this would have happened . They wouldn’t have argued .. As if that could be called arguing when all he did was stay there like a statue and even dare avoid Chanhee’s gaze . Consequently , Chanhee wouldn’t have gone out and he wouldn’t have gotten attacked ..
Byunghun felt shame suffocating him . He wanted to bury himself alive .. Why .. Why is it that he only ever ends up hurting his loved one ?
He could hear someone’s voice cracking in the background , so hoarse and barely audible . It took him a while to realize it was actually his own . He was sobbing , the action racking his whole being .
“ Ch.. “ He couldn’t even get a proper sentence in the middle of crying but he surely heard it .
He had uttered two letters ..
Why or how ? he didn’t know but he did get his voice back and he wasn’t even sure why he was crying anymore .. out of happiness ? or guilt or shame or .. Perhaps it was all of those combined .
Time seemed to stop as both of them tried registering the whole thing .
“ .. Byunghun ? “ Bewildered , Chanhee cupped Byunghun’s face gazing at the younger’s lips .
Did he hear it right ? Did he see it right ?
Did those lips just move ?
“ My name .. say my name . “ The elder encouraged , beaming as he inched closer to Byunghun , his bruises already forgotten .
Byunghun blinked as if to refresh , cleared his throat and tried his voice again .
“ Chan.. hee “
Of course it sounded funny but that was not the point . What mattered here was it did .
Slowly , they found themselves smiling in disbelief then grinning and finally giggling . Naturally , they fell into each other’s embrace relishing the moment .
Byunghun sighed deeply inhaling Chanhee’s scent and letting it have its calming effect on him but then the inevitable shame came crashing back at him and he couldn’t help but end up apologizing over and over again even though Chanhee tried interrupting him . It took him few more attempts to get Byunghun’s attention .
“ Byunghun . “ He called softly , gently rubbing the younger’s back as a mother would do her child in a moment of wisdom .
He was never waiting for Byunghun to be perfect . And that’s exactly why he never blamed him .
“ If we - humans - were perfect , we wouldn't have needed to utter “ I'm sorry “ . It's okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from them , truly feel remorse and make an effort not to repeat them again .. “
words count : 2166
updated : 15 june . 2:21 am .
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