After my phonecall with Seungjun, I couldn't believe the words he said .. he was choking up alot which is making me worry so much. I just plopped myself on the bed as my heart sank just re-hearing the way he spoke .. Why must he do this to me, I've never felt so confused by someone before... I missed you so much but i can't fall back for you. While in deep thought i heard someone rattle my doorknob.

"Hyung let me in, i need to grab something!" Dongho exclaimed very loudly as he kept jiggling the door
"Woah woah wait child I'm coming" I finally got up from the bed and went to open the door, giving him no expression of my face
"What you need in here?" I asked him wondering why he kepy shaking the door like he was dying
"My charger and plus the fact i get to bug you"
"You're kidding me right?"

Dongho nodded, that was kind of his way of telling me he cared without being to mushy with it, our humour is something was strange to others. You can say i do that with Yookyung and Kyungie as well, I have different ways of Humour with them but when we're all together we all laugh and have fun in the same way. It may sound confusing but hey, that's the way we roll.  I sat back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, looking at the clock as the time seems to be going very slowly, there wasn't a minute that went by when i kept thinking "I wanna see him...like now, but what will happen..?" 

The Meet Up

        I checked the clocked and sighed, it was 7:00 and i lived so close to the school. I went up and got ready when kyungie noticed me in the room
"Are you going somewhere?" She asked being curious as always
"Uh yeah just for a little while though, i'll be back home in no time"
"But its so late, who are you going to-?" her voice started to trail off as she finally realized where i was going, she was very slow at figuring things out because she's is always distracted and forgets things quickly
"If anything goes wrong you call me okay?" Kyungie demanded and i don't wanna make her mad, with her and Yookyung pissed, it was not a pretty sight ... they were and still is very protective of me.
"Don't worry, I'll call you"
"You better, or i will kick your " I stuck out my tongue at her and she mocked me back, i knew they all cared but sometimes i need to find out things on my own rather it be good or bad.  It doesn't matter at this point and there is no going back, i need to know what you are hiding from me.. that was one of the reason why i distant myself away from you in the first... Don't you remember?

Flashback
         After months in being in Korea i haven't heard from Seungjun in so long, So i decided to just message him and to see what he will write. How can you deny someone as sweet as him to not message him and to wonder what he is up to, at times when I'm just sitting in my dorm and would talk to hours with Seungjun... It never occured to myself that i thought we were dating... It felt like it, so much like that..... Can't deny, i wish it did happen. If you could guess, he never replied.. that was the first. Days went by the same, no text, no call, nothing.... Until Two months prior of me coming back home i got a message stating

"I don't think i can handle this anymore...Jinhyun-ah.. please forgive me as i tried to but i ache to much..Goodbye my favorite dongsaeng...." 

That's how you figure things out Seungjun...?? Leaving me here all alone to wonder what i did..Why were you aching so much...Why couldnt you ever tell me how you were feeling..You don't know how i wonder and longed to hear you call me "My favorite dongsaeng.. Jinhyun-ah.." I'm forever here to wonder, what will happen when i get home.. this is all a mystery that i would not like to solve anymore. I am done...

Flashback Ends
          Walking within the empty hallways of the school finally reaching the meetup place he suggested, Basically freezing myself to death because of how cold the air felt. Exhaling hot air within my hands to keep it a bit warm, i heard someones footsteps behind me, i stood there frozen still as my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach hearing that lovely voice once more.



"Jinhyun-ah... you actually came"
"Of course i came, i wouldn't ever stand you up" Turning around to face him, his face looked a bit puffy and so did his eyes. You took notice fast and tapped his shoulders to make him bring his face back up to look you in the eyes
"Seungjun Hyung, what is going on.. this is a bit weird that you brought me out here.. is there something that you're not telling me or wanting to tell me?" He sighs and shook his head slighty walking a bit closer towards me, not gonna lie.. i felt as if my heart was going to explode any moment. He reaches down and held both of my hands with his own.. "they feel so warm...." thinking to myself as thoughts continued to run
"Jinhyun-ah.."
"y-yeah? what is wrong, and why are you holding my han-" i couldn't finish my sentences... as he yanked me into his embrace, feeling his warmth upon my body i felt so.....secure and safe just being there, i never wanted to let go.

"S-seungjun hyung..  what are you?"
"I'm sorry .. for not telling you anything and lying to you in general... i knew how much loyalty you had in me. But i just couldn't take it anymore" 
"Couldn't take what? this is what i am talking about hyung... You never tell me how you're feeling or anything, I know there might be some personal things you can't speak of and i am alright with that. but.."
"But what Jinhyn?"
"*sighs* But if it involves me within it, you have to tell me or how else will a problem be solved? It won't be unless you tell me whats going on hyung." he shook his as he was unabled to talk about it, sighing once again i pull away from him and placed my hands within my pockets
"Hyung i do care about you, so very much.. but there is nothing i can do because you won't let me in. If you ever plan on telling me either now, tomorrow or whenever you know where to contact me" as i was about to turn around, he yanks my arm and turns me around harshly
"H-hyung the hell man? what is your deal?" feeling fed up at this moment he tells me a little bit of something
"Jinhyun .. how much do you care about me?" I roll my eyes at this moment because of the fact i stated it not even a minute ago
"I care about you so much, did you not hear me"
"I heard you, i was making you say it again, because i am not ready to tell you.. i thought i was but its just too much"
"Well if it was too much of a hassle to come out tonight then you shouldn't have brought me out here"
He nods in agreement, he also thought it was a bit too soon too meet up. I was being a bit cold to him because well, i wanted answer and he never supplied me with them so what else was i going to do? 
"I will tell you when i'm ready Jinhyun .. but just promise me what thing?"
"Promise? Promise what?" He leans in a bit as our lips are inches away from each other.. my body got chills as i felt his hot breath hit the top of my upper lip.
"Promise you'll wait for me okay? i don't want to lose you to another man."
"S-so wait.. you want me to wait for you?"
"I did say that, so wait okay" 

We exchanged a couple of more words, he smiles his sweet grin at me... leaning down to kiss my forehead which was a shocker at first but i didn't mind at all.
"Get home safely, My favorite dongsaeng ... Jinhyun-ah"
"I will, goodnight hyung" i gave him a weak smile back as we headed in different ways.. i promised myself i wouldn't fall back for him. But everytime i'm with him.. i never want to leave his side. I walked all the way home as i pass by the park, i froze and stood still with tears falling upon my cheeks as i was too weak and fustrated to wipe them away just thinking to myself as the night got darker 

Jinhyun you fool... you will forever fall for him.. I can't ever have you to escape my mind. You fill up my thoughts Seungjun hyung. Why was it me.. why couldn't it be another but at the same time.. i don't want you with anyone else. I've long for you, for so long.. if i let you back, do not break my heart..

Please.. Don't