“Well look who showed up all sober,” Dara chuckled as she stepped aside to allow Jiyong inside of her home, closing the door afterwards. “Rough night?”

“I’ve been sober the entire time, just ed up mentally and emotionally. But yeah, it was a tough night.” He shrugged slightly and gave her a brief hug. “Thanks for taking care of the twins.”

“It’s no problem; you know I’m always here when you need me. Do you want some breakfast?” She glanced back at him as she led him towards the kitchen. “You look like you could use some food, you look a mess.”

His head shook in a slight manner while he took a seat on a stool, placing his arm on the counter. “Nah, no thanks.  I’m not very hungry. Where are the kids?”

“They’re playing in the backyard,” she took a quick glance out the window to check on the children before leaning against the sink, folding her arms loosely. “So what happened to you last night?”

He released a deep sigh and ran his fingers through his hair, dropping his hand back to the counter afterwards. “I ed up bad; I slapped Kiko and pushed her down.”

Her eyes widened, quickly unfolding her arms. “Jiyong!”

“I know, I know! Don’t yell at me, please. I have a major headache.”

“What possessed you to hit her?!” Of course she wasn’t going to be calm about such a situation. Who would?

Jiyong’s eyes closed as he released an aggravated groan after being yelled at yet again. He definitely deserved to be yelled at and worse for his actions. He knew he had no right in putting his hands on a female, and anger was no excuse. What she had said to him cut through his heart just like Chaerin’s departure did. The sudden unbearable pain he experienced caused him to snap and Kiko just happened to be standing too close to him. “I didn’t mean to hit her…”

“How the hell did you not mean to hit her when you pushed her down right after??”

His eyes closed tighter and he took a short grip on his hair before releasing it, biting his bottom lip harshly while his eyes reopened. “I saw Chaerin.”

“What do you mean you saw Chaerin?”

“When I hit Kiko…”

Dara stopped, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. “I don’t—“

“When Kiko said what she had to say to me, I instantly hit her because I thought it was Chaerin saying those things to me. I thought she was standing in front of me.” Jiyong finished his last sentence with the falling of a small tear. Only it wasn’t a tear of guilt or regret or sadness, it was a tear of anger. He definitely still had mad anger towards Chaerin. “I hate that I hit Kiko, she didn’t deserve that.”

“But Chaerin did?”

“Yes.”

Dara was stunned; she didn’t know how to react to the words she had just heard. No one thought Jiyong would ever say such a thing about a girl he was once madly in love with. This must be what they mean when they say everyone has their limits. Jiyong is a very hard person to push over the edge. It’s difficult to press his buttons. Chaerin had managed to do both.

She shook her head slowly, looking downward for a moment before over at Jiyong. She could see how messed up he really was. Everyone could. It was insane how much love he once had for this girl. He would do absolutely anything for her, and that he did. He took a bullet for her at fifteen years old. And how she repaid him was a way no one had expected. His love for her has been buried with anger reigning at the top of his emotions.

“I wish I knew a way to help you, Jiyong. I hate seeing you this way. But you seriously need to apologize to Kiko.”

“I already did. She flew back to Japan this morning.”

“And?” She raised an eyebrow at him before walking over to sit on a stool, one between the two. “You need to go after her.”

“Why would I go after her?”

“Because look what happened the last time a girl you loved left and you didn’t go after her.”

“But this is different. I don’t love Kiko.” His thumb and index finger rubbed together back and forth slowly, his shoulders giving Dara’s current disbelief look a shrug. “I don’t.”

“So if you loved Kiko, would you go after her?”

“Most likely.”

“Then how come you didn’t go after Chae, when you loved her?”

The point she was getting at made him pause and think about the situation. He didn’t really have an answer for her question; at least he didn’t think he did. It turns out he’s been wrong about a lot of things when he believed otherwise. Even if he gave her the right and honest answer, what would it change?

“Daddy!” Yujin shouted happily when she ran in the room, her arms raised upward. “Daehwan, daddy!”

Jiyong automatically turned his attention to his daughter and lifted her up in his arms, a bright smile spreading across his face. “There she is!” The small child wrapped her arms around his neck, squealing in excitement to his presence. In return his hugged her back, covering her head in kisses afterwards. “I missed you! Mwah mwah!”

After a moment, Daehwan came running in the room when he heard his sister’s shout that their father was here. “Daddy!!” He screamed in utter joy, causing Dara and Jiyong to laugh at his adorable reaction.

“Come here you!” He scooped his son up with one arm and brought him up to his torso so he could hug both children at the same time, giving him kisses as well. Dara smiled so widely at the three; it was amazing how these two children could truly bring happiness to Jiyong’s heart even when he was at his worst.

After a moment, he stood up from the stool and moved closer to Dara so that the kids could give her hugs and kisses before they were to leave. “Thanks for taking care of them Dara.” He stole a quick peck on her cheek before heading towards the door with the kids after they gave their goodbye hugs.

“Bye mommy!” Yujin and Daehwan grinned while waving at her, causing her to chuckle and wave back. “Bye munchkins!” She waited for the three to get in the car and drive off before the smile slowly faded off of her face. She mumbled softly, “Bye…”

********************

“Seriously, just back off of me right now.” He slammed his hand against the door to push it open, almost hitting Youngbae who was on the opposite side of the door.

“No I’m not going to back off of you, you’re going to listen to me!” She shouted, following right after him, the both completely ignoring the fact that everyone backstage was staring at them.

“Do you come with a remote, I’d put your mouth on mute forever.” He glanced over his shoulder to the female angrily following after him before going inside his dressing room where he dismissed the designers immediately. “That is my name on the door, get out Chae!” He rubbed his face frustratedly when she slammed the door behind her after entering.

“You are not going to just walk away from this, I want answers!”

“I already am walking away from it—“

“Well you can’t! Now answer my ing question!”

“I already told you I don’t remember!”

“You better start remembering right now before I—“

“Before you what?!” He slung his hand across the dresser, knocking everything off of it.

“Alright, alright! Would you guys knock it off!! You’ve been barking at each other since we got here!” Youngbae shouted as he entered the room, closing it behind him.

“I’m not a dog,” Chaerin stated, folding her arms together and looking away.

“You’re a mut.”

“Jiyong! Shut up! Pick that up right now!” Youngbae narrowed his eyes at his friend who was clenching his fists together, kicking the chair over afterwards. “Pick that up too now that you just kicked it.” Bae pointed before taking his attention to Chaerin. “Now what is this about?”

She said nothing but hand her phone to him, locking her jaw in the process. As he looked over the Instagram post, he shook his head before giving it back to her. “I’m sorry, but we don’t have time for this , you guys are on in 2 minutes!”

Jiyong grabbed his jacket after putting up the objects he had knocked over and walked over to her, stopping at her side to mumble near her ear, “At least she put out."

“CL, are you ready?”

I looked away from the mirror that I had been staring at for the past few minutes to find one of the producers at the door of my dressing room. “What?”

“You’re on in 60 seconds.”

I sighed softly and returned my gaze back to the mirror for a moment before getting up from my chair and walked out. I could hear how loud the crowd was from backstage and it only made me even more nervous. The last time I was at this show, it wasn’t a pleasant time. Sometimes I wish I didn’t remember it.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Please welcome the one and only Baddest Female Seoul city ever had, CL!”

I stepped out on stage with the mic to my mouth and one hand in the air, holding up the 2NE1 sign. “What’s up Seoul!” The crowd cheered so loudly it was unbelievable. I hadn’t been in Seoul for so long I guess I should have expected this. I shook hands with the host, Kim Aree, before having a seat next to her and waved to the still screaming crowd.

“Welcome back CL, you’re looking great! How have you been doing in LA?”

“It’s great to be back, thank you for having me.” I chuckled softly as I crossed one leg over the other, looking at Aree afterwards. “I’ve been excellent in LA, it’s been a great time working with the people I’ve been working with the past two years over there.”

“Must be hard work huh?”

“Oh yes, very, but it’s all worth it of course.”

“We can all tell, your work is amazing, we love it!” The fans cheered out after Aree spoke and it brought a huge smile to my face.

“They’re so loud,” I joked and Aree laughed along with me.

“Of course they are loud we have the Queen in the house!” She paused to cheer and clap along with the fans before continuing. “Listen, we have someone else special in the house tonight.”

“Oh really, who’s that?” I raised an eyebrow at her.

“Our boy G-Dragon!”

The smile on my face stayed but on the inside my smile screamed annoyance. I glanced back by the curtain where GD came walking out from and released a low unnoticeable sigh. Of course they would put him on this show with me, just like they did before. He sat beside me and I kept my eyes elsewhere, trying hard to keep my nerves calm and not show any negative emotions.

“It looks like you’re sweating a little, CL.”

My body tensed slightly as I internally panicked for a split second at her statement.

“Maybe it’s because I’m here,” GD laughed and I quietly clicked my heel on the stage, my tongue twirling around my mouth as I kept my words to myself. I didn’t want to cause a huge scene on television because it would only make matters worse for me with the media playing around with a personal situation.

“It’s amazing to finally have The Leaders back on the show together, don’t you guys agree?” The crowd screamed and cheered for me and GD, it honestly sent a rush to me. Being on the same stage with him- it was different. I kind of missed the feeling; maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. “Speaking of The Leaders, rumors and questions are spreading about the relationship status and Chaerin’s sudden return to Seoul. Would you care to tell us a little bit about it?”

“What is this, an interview?” I tried to dismiss the topic as smoothly as possible with a laugh and it seemed to have worked by Aree’s laughter as well. I side glanced Jiyong to see his eyes fall to the floor momentarily. Why is it I could feel a saddened vibe towards him now? I usually got a full blown hatred vibe. This is new. After a few more moments of talking on the show, I noticed how comfortable I became.

“To close the show, we were wondering if you guys would like to perform for us, a little on the spot rap battle action. I think the fans would love it, what do you guys think?”

There was no questioning the fans with what they wanted, it was obvious. I wasn’t too happy about the idea because I was worried about what would happen considering what Jiyong did to me the night I returned.

“I think we can do that, yeah CL?” He nudged my arm with his elbow and gave me that charming smile he was always good at giving. I unknowingly gave him a half smile that was cut off with a brief lip bite. “Um…”

He stood up and then knelt down before me, beginning to sing Bruno Mars acapella while taking a hold on my left hand, “And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile!”

Everyone in the room began cheering at his action while I just placed my free hand over my face, covering it up as much as I possibly could. Honestly what was he doing to my….heart? Toy with it?

“CL! CL! CL!” Everyone started chanting and I couldn’t help but give in, I nodded my head once and got up, “Alright let’s do this shall we?”

Jiyong smirked, his bottom lip afterwards as he followed me to the front of the stage. “You go first since you look like you’re all sorts of ready,” I raised an eyebrow at him and pressed my lips together, feeling the beat that began to play. He rubbed his chin slightly while looking me up and down, teasing the crowd and making me playfully roll my eyes.

“Can I pretend it never happened? No.

Can I pretend it didn’t hurt? No.

That’s what you told me, you told me no.

But see girl you were wrong, you made me wait so long

And now I still can’t understand how you be blowing me off

What did I do? Please tell me that

I’m sick and tired of choosing between opinion and fact

Why don’t you listen? Do you not hear me?

Do I need to get on top of the world just for you to see?

See right through me, straight to my heart

So you can understand how I’m feeling when you put me in the dark.”

I quietly sighed as I listened to him. Honestly why are you doing this Jiyong. It’s not easy for me either. Especially not on TV. When all of Asia is watching and then some. I brought the mic to my lips….

“Talk is cheap, you can say this and that

But you and I both know, words are like the drop of a hat

You have to show me, show me how you’re feeling

It’s the only way, for us to start some healing.

I know I’m killing. I know that I’ve ed up

And I ain’t sorry, I did what I had to do

GD, you would have done it to.

I can hear what you’re saying because I’m stuck playing

The game that you set, and I’ll make you a bet that you wish we never met

And that’s okay, that’s fine with me.

I’m done being who you want me to be.”

The only question that popped into my head after that was, did I really mean that? Everyone was cheering, I don’t think anyone but Jiyong noticed what was really going on. At least I hoped so; I didn’t want the media blowing this way out of proportion. They’re good at that.

After the show, I was backstage in my dressing room getting changed into a black tank, jeans and tan timberland boots. I looked at myself in the mirror as I ran my fingers through my hair silently. Maybe I did feel bad. Or maybe I just wanted to feel bad. I couldn’t really tell, it’s hard to understand me sometimes. I’m the first to know that. I give myself headaches and many screw ups in my life are because of me. I just may be the main cause to my stress, ha.

I don’t get why he’s so hurt and upset, honestly. If I meant that much to him then he would have come after me. And like he said, he didn’t want to. That’s says enough, doesn’t it? We are just both horribly complicated; one minute we are one way, the next we are something totally different. I lifted my jacket up from the back of my chair and slipped it on, pulling my hair to one side after. I sighed; I know I’m in the wrong. I do owe him an explanation. I owe them all one…. “Why are you so stupid, Chaerin. You disgust me.”

I should go talk to him…I should go talk to him. I left my dressing room with my phone in hand and went straight to Jiyong’s. When I got there, I found an empty room. I hope he didn’t leave already.

Biting on my bottom lip, I walked down the hall and questioned one of the producers if they had seen him. Since they hadn’t, I found Youngbae further down the hall. “Bae, have you seen Jiyong?”

“Yeah, he just got in his car, said he was headed to the airport.”

“To the airport? Do you know where he’s going?”

“Japan, I think he might be going there for Kiko. He said he would call me later. Why, is something wrong?”

He’s going there for Kiko? He said he didn’t love her though…why would he go after a woman he doesn’t love? At that moment I froze. Of course. Maybe that’s why he…. “Um, yeah nothing Bae. Thanks..”

 I walked out of the building to find a mob of paparazzi flashing me with their cameras and screaming fans being held back by security. I couldn’t handle any of it; I couldn’t handle anything. I just wanted to be by myself. A few body guards escorted me to my car safely and once I got in, I blasted the music to fade the loud screaming outside and drove off.

, why is this all so complicated? “Because you made it complicated, .” But I didn’t do it all by myself. “True, but most of this is because of you. Again, .” Alright, no need to be mean- “Ugh shut the up!”

I slammed my hand on the steering wheel and tightened my jaw, soon stopping at a red light and turning the music down. I was so fed up with arguing with myself, why can’t thoughts get turned off once in a ing while.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my face, hearing my phone ting.

                He’s going to run, isn’t he?

I looked up from the message from Youngbae and sighed. Of course he was.

                What are you going to do?

I thought to myself for a brief moment before replying to him.

                                                Nothing.

                Don’t make the same mistakes he did.

Easy for him to say, he’s not in my position.

When the light turned green, I planned on going straight. But instead, I turned right and shook my head slowly. I hope this is the right thing to do. “I hope..”

When I arrived at the airport, I walked throughout the building with the worst amount of nervousness building up inside of me with every step I took. I didn’t want to do this. Right? After about three minutes, an announcement was made that the flight to Tokyo was now boarding and I ended up running. When I got to security, I finally spotted him.

“Jiyong!”

He looked back at me as I finally reached him and he didn’t seem too pleased to see me here. I kind of expected that.

“What are you doing here?” He grabbed my arm and pulled me aside as I was catching my breath after running.

“I don’t know-“ He did ask a very good question HAHAHA what are you doing Chaerin. I shrugged slightly and looked around; my heart was pounding in my chest. “I don’t know- I’m stupid I- Ji—“

“What do you want, Chaerin.” He glanced over his shoulder at the boarding area before looking back at me. “You said what you had to say.”

“Look I’m-“

“No, I don’t want to hear it. You don’t mean it.”

“Would you shut up?” I held my hands out at my sides slightly before dropping them again. “I’m tired of this back and forth . It’s getting us nowhere. You wanted to talk, let’s talk.”

“I don’t have time to talk to you; those opportunities have come and gone. And it’s your fault. I can’t miss my flight.”

“So that’s it, you’re just going to go to her?”

He had no answer to my question; he only stayed silent and stared at me. “Answer my question.”

“Tell me why you left.”

I closed my eyes, please not this again. Anything but this… “Jiyong please-“

“No, tell me why you left. Tell me why you left and I won’t get on that plane.”

I began shaking, I was so scared and nervous, and scared and just-- “Ji—I can’t—“

“Why can’t you just tell me why you left? What, was there another guy Chaerin, was there?”

“No, there was never another guy.”

“Did you cheat on me or something?”

“Of course not, you know me better!”

“Obviously I don’t! ing tell me. Damn, why can’t you tell me? Help me understand that, why can’t you just tell me?”

“Because I can’t!”

“That is not a good enough excuse! What did I ever to do you, huh?!” He started punching his left palm to release some anger as he was yelling at me. I just stared at him, willing the urge to cry away so the tears wouldn’t even dare to form. I didn’t want to tell him, I’m so afraid of his reaction and how he would view me after that; I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t even want to tell myself.

“Screw this. I-I have to go.” I mumbled in a low tone, looking away from him. He paused and shook his head slowly at me before continuing.

“Yeah, that’s not a hard one for you to do either. Is it?”

“That isn’t fair.”

“That's isn’t fair…that isn’t fair?? Are you ing kidding me? It wasn’t fair to me when you left without an explanation!”

“No, it’s not fair! It was not easy for me!”

“Obviously it was, you clearly showed that.”

“It was just as hard for me as it was for you! All of it was!”

“Yeah I doubt it.”

“You know what, you.”

“Nah, no thanks baby. I’m done with you.” He bluntly stated and I had the serious urge to slap him but instead, I just turned to walk away.

“Chaerin,” He grabbed onto my arm and pulled me back, not allowing me to go. “How is it that someone can just leave like that and it be hard for them? If it were that hard no one—“

“Not everything is easy Jiyong! Life is not easy! Everything has its own difficulties set into it!” I pulled myself away from him, feeling the tears starting to want to come back but I wouldn’t let them.

There was a moment of silence between us. It wasn’t a good one. He finally took a step away from me and whispered, “Goodbye, Chae.”

When he turned around and started walking towards security again, I ran my fingers through my hair in a rough manner. “Don’t…please don’t do this—don’t make the same mistakes I did!” He didn’t even turn around, he just kept walking. I couldn’t believe the pain that was ripping my heart apart. “Jiyong!” I screamed out his name while the tears busted out of me, he didn’t care. He was done. Just like I was that day. So I understood…

*****

When Jiyong arrived in Tokyo, he caught a taxi to Kiko’s apartment and wasted no time in trying to do what he came here to do.

“Why the are you at my door, you bastard.”

“Wait, Kiko before you—Listen to me!” He stopped her from slamming the door in his face. “I’m sorry! Babe please just hear me out, please.” She was an easy person to get forgiveness from, so he knew this wouldn’t be too hard. He made his way into the apartment and dropped his only bag to the floor and instantly wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, whispering constantly as he was hugging her. “I’m so sorry; I’ll never put my hands on you again. It was a total misunderstanding baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please, believe me.”

As she was listening to him, she kept her hands to herself and closed her eyes. “You still love her, why are you here?”

“No, I don’t.” He pulled back some to see her face and cupped her cheeks.

“Bull, I can see it in your eyes that you love her.”

“What you see is the past living in the present. That’s gone now. I don’t love her.”

“Jiyong I’m not stupid you—“ She was hushed by his lips being pressed against hers. He presented her with a deep and loving kiss while he backed her up to the bedroom that was right by the front door. She was stunned; she had never felt the emotions from him that she was feeling through their kiss. He brought her down onto the bed gently and only pulled away to remove his shirt, tossing it elsewhere. While he did this, she removed her own shirt and let it fall onto the floor. “Baby?” He whispered.

She pulled him back down on top of her and began losing herself in the moment. His phone began vibrating back to back in his pocket by then. Kiko groaned slightly and pulled his phone from his pocket to find that it was Chaerin that was constantly calling him. “It’s her…”

“So? I don’t care.” He took his phone back from her and instantly turned it off before putting it over on the side table. “She doesn’t matter to me anymore.” He began trailing kisses down her chest and stomach, her back arching in the process.

“Do you love me, Jiyong?” She asked softly, looking down at him.

Those words crept inside of his mind where everything was ed up. That only added more fuel to the fire. He ed her jeans with his teeth and tongue before coming back up to her lips, kissing them as his hands removed her pants. “Yes.”

*****

I paced back and forth in my room with my phone in my hand. He wouldn’t answer my calls. I was so happy that Jay wasn’t home. I didn’t need anyone seeing me this way. “Answer the phone- please answer the phone.” His phone suddenly went straight to voicemail and instead of leaving a message, I dropped my phone on the bed and released a loud anger filled scream that filled the room. I began throwing things, breaking things, wrecking anything I could get my hands on. Is this how I made him feel?

The thoughts in my head were screaming at me back and forth, it was so overwhelming that I didn’t know what to do. “Make it stop!” I cried out desperately, my mind was racing. I started kicking everything on the floor, creating an even bigger mess than I did before. Why was he doing this to me? Two wrongs don’t make a right. You would think he would know that. “WHY?!”

I closed my eyes tightly, breathing in and out deeply. I knew what he must be doing. It was killing me in so many ways. I was so hurt, I hated him right now. But I also just wish he were here. I never thought I would want that again. But I did. I’d rather be here fighting with him and throwing and just having an all out screaming match while he puts holes in the walls and I tell him what a piece of he is while he calls me every name in the book like we used to. I’d give anything for that right now. At least that would mean he was still mine.

I sat down on the floor and I just cried, I cried everything out. It was all just way too much for me. Everyone has their limits and their breaking points. A person can only be pushed so far, I should have known that when it came to him too. He’s human too. He has feelings too. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I didn’t care. I did. I do.

I picked up my phone after wiping my tears away and took a deep breath in. What would I have to do to fix this? Could this even be fixed? This whole situation was like broken glass now. It’ll never be the same, and we’ll keep hurting ourselves trying to put this all back together. But I honestly didn’t care….

I knew he wouldn’t answer me, his phone was clearly off. So I left a voice message instead,

“Jiyong? …..I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t fix anything—but....I love you.”

Okay wow this is a really messed up situation isn’t it? Even more to come, I will try to update soon, very very soon! Please do leave some comments! I love reading them, they also help motivate me. See you guys on the next chapter!