It was a little after midnight when I finally pulled my eyes off of my notebook to find that Jay had passed out beside me. He was rather adorable when he slept, causing me to crack a small smile at his sleeping figure. I had been writing and scribbling in my notebook for the past three hours, putting down every thought that came into my head and every feeling that rose up in me. It was an easy way for me to release everything, a silent way in which I still was able to let it all out because the paper doesn’t judge the words you print on it; only people do.

I stretched my legs out on the bed and released a gentle sigh while closing the notebook, biting my bottom lip in thought. What was with his reaction to my words earlier? He acted as if there were really something left between us, and it seemed like he wanted it to be that way. I shook my head, dismissing any further thoughts on the situation and placed my notebook on the side table, turned off the lamp and laid down afterwards on my side. I liked sleeping in Jay’s room; it helped me to not feel so alone at night when even the worst thoughts would come to mind.

Emotions can be one of the most dangerous things; they can cause you to do unforgivable things, say hurtful and regretful words. But they can also be one of the most wonderful things. That would consist of all things positive and being happy whereas I haven’t been on the right side of emotions for a long time; I’ve been on the wrong side.

I dozed off for maybe half an hour before I was awoken by the constant vibrating of Jay’s cell phone on the other side table. I rolled over slowly, squinting my eyes at the beaming ray of light from his phone in the dark as I shook him gently but enough to wake him. “Jay,” I mumbled in a tired voice, soon hearing the long yet soft groan echo in his throat. He reached over for his phone and brought it to his ear after swiping his thumb across the screen, answering the call. “Yeah?”

“Jay, thank God you’ve answered. You’ve got to get over here, Jiyong has gone mad!”

“What do you mean he’s gone mad, what happened?” He responded to the female on the other line, sitting up on the bed. I furrowed my eyebrows and sat up as well, bringing my legs inward to sit crisscrossed.

“I-I don’t know—he came home not too long ago completely drunk, he’s raging with anger, he’s destroying the house! Youngbae can’t get him to calm down, and he looks like he’s been in a fight or something because he has a cut under his eye and—“

“Man you! this, that—No don’t tell me to calm down, Youngbae!” A loud crash was heard through the line on the other end before Youngbae’s voice topped Jiyong’s. “What the hell are you—not that, not that Jiyong not the—“

The sound of glass shattering caused Jay to look over at me with a very concerned look on his face. I could hear enough of the conversation because of how loud everything was on the other end and I too did feel very concerned about whatever the hell was going on over there.

“Alright alright, Kiko—are you there?” He took a pause as he got up from the bed then continued while turning on the light switch and going to his closet. “I’m on my way right now, stay out of his way. You know he’s not the same person when he’s drunk and filled with anger.” After hanging up, he slipped his phone into pocket and then pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor before putting a white muscle tank on and a jacket. “Jiyong is ed up right now, get dressed.”

“Get dressed? What do you mean get dressed? You don’t expect me to go with you—“

“Yes, get dressed because you are. Now let’s go, don’t play games with me right now.” He sat at the edge of the bed while quickly lacing up his shoes.

“You’re kidding me right??”

He said nothing at all; he only stood up and gave me a serious look, one that I didn’t even need to question at this point. Whenever Jay was serious, he was serious, and nobody was ever stupid enough to think otherwise. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head while groaning very loudly, “This is not my job, and he is not my responsibility.” I grumbled while leaving Jay’s room and down the hall to my own, not noticing the frustration building on his expression. When I got to my room, I slipped on some denim shorts and threw on a hoodie, slid my feet into a pair of black high cut converse and headed downstairs where Jay was already grabbing his car keys and going first out the door. 

On the way over to Jiyong’s mansion, Jay was breaking multiple rules of the road and it’s amazing how he hadn’t killed any pedestrians that just so happened to be out this late at night or been pulled over by the police yet. The entire ride I was silent and so was Jay. He didn’t even have the radio blasting like he usually does. I turned my gaze out of the window; I don’t know why I was made to come along. What is there for me to do? I certainly don’t want to see Jiyong in this state again and Jay knows that yet he demanded I come anyways. 

Upon arrival, Jay immediately got out and went inside, leaving the door wide open carelessly. I followed hesitantly and slowly, I didn’t ever like Jiyong’s drunk side—but the chaos going on upstairs sounded like this was a whole new level that I haven’t witnessed before…nor did I want to.

“Oh look at what we have here, the number one addict in South Korea!” Jiyong outstretched his left arm when Jay walked into the destroyed bedroom, soon wiping the sweat from his forehead off with the back of his hand.

“Speak for yourself,” Jay said while looking at his ed up friend and then scanned the mess that he had made. “Jiyong what the hell is going on?”

The sounds of his hands slapping together filled the room where he gave Jay a sarcastic smile and then lifted his arms up at his sides, “Great job, Jay Park. Are you happy now? Huh?!” His hand slung across the dresser, knocking everything off onto the floor. “Are all of you ing happy now that you’ve done this to me again?!”

“Baby please can you please just—“ Kiko reached out for Jiyong and he looked at her with disgust, moving away from the fearful woman, “Don’t touch me.”

She instantly stopped and stared into his eyes for a moment before glancing over at Youngbae.

“What?” Jiyong asked in a softer manner, raising his eyebrow when he caught her looking at Youngbae. “Do you like looking at him? Why don’t you go him like the dirty that you are—“

“Jiyong.” Youngbae stepped forward, but Jiyong continued on the stunned woman before him.

“What’s the matter, forgotten who you really are and what you do?” He leaned closer to her face with a soft smirk playing on his lips.

She stood still, narrowing her eyes at his while responding, “You’re no better than I am.”

“Oh yeah, how so?” His head tilted to the side slightly.

“You’re a pathetic loser who can’t get over his first love. You spend your days ruining other people’s lives and your nights ing other women in hopes to numb your pain and that one of them would help you forget about her.”

Jiyong’s left hand slashed across her cheek the moment she ended her last sentence, slamming his hands against her chest to make her fall backwards. “Don’t you ever pretend like you know how I feel, you !” At this point, Jay and Youngbae were both grabbing Jiyong from both sides trying to control him while yelling at him to stop but he continued on. “Your life is perfect, you have no problems in the world and you come around here trying to tell me about my life?! Go choke on a , you goddamn you, you !!” Tears were streaming down his face in anger, his voice at the loudest he could bring it.

“Jiyong stop,” my figure stood in the doorway, my eyes locked on him. My heart was throbbing inside of my chest for whatever reason I could not pinpoint. Did I really just intervene? How stupid Chaerin, after he already put his hands on one female tonight. He looked at me and became silent, soon pushing the guys off of him and wiping the tears off of his cheeks. They stood there panting heavily in their own anger to Jiyong’s actions. Jay glanced at me and then back at Kiko when her voice reentered the conversation.

“What the hell is she doing here?” She questioned while looking over at me, brushing her clothes off after getting up from the floor she had just been pushed down on. 

“Kiko don’t start,” Jay added. She had a good point though, what am I doing here?

“I want her out of my house.”

“Your house?” Jiyong lifted a brow, wiping his lips before placing his hand on his stomach in laughter. “This is MY house, sweetheart.”

“Oh excuse me, Jiyong. Your next appointment has arrived at your house.” While tucking a strand of hair behind her left ear, she folded her arms and gave me a nasty look.

“Yeah and she’ll be leaving now,” I stepped aside and held my hand outward, signaling for Kiko to leave.

“Ohh shiiiiiiitttt!” Jiyong put his arm lazily around Youngbae, continuing his laughter. “Burn! You see Youngbae,” he whispered into his ear. “This side of her has always been hot as .” While covering his nose with one hand, Youngbae tried to remove his friend off of him with the other because of how bad the stench of alcohol smelt in his mouth.

Kiko grinded her teeth together as she approached me, looking down on me because she was taller. “Look , he’s mine. So just stay out of our lives.”

“Oh you can have him,” I lifted my hands up, surrendering him with no hesitation.

Instantly, Jiyong stood up straight and pointed at Kiko and spoke in a childish tone. “Wait, but I don’t want her!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle silently at his words, neither could the guys. It was funny.

“You’re only saying that because you’re drunk, babe.” She glanced over her shoulder at him, feeling confident that that was the case.

“Oh no see,” He patted his jacket as if he were looking for something then looked around. “I’m fully aware of my surroundings and…” He looked back at Kiko and checked her out with an unpleasant look forming. “I’m good.” He was then slapped in the back of his head by Jay who had his eyes narrowed at him. “What??”

“Firstly, why would you want a man who just not only slapped you in the face but pushed you down on the floor?” I questioned her, slightly confused.

She took a pause before placing her hands on her hips and clicked her tongue, “I like being treated that way by my daddy. He makes me feel good.”

Jiyong was in the background about to vomit while Youngbae was covering his face, trying to suppress his laughter. Jay was shaking his head quietly with his eyes closed. As for me? Well…..the ?

“Well that’s interesting, um..” I pressed my lips together before taking a step to the side, trying to get away from this tower of a woman standing over me the way she was. “Good luck with that.”

She looked back at the guys then focused in on Jiyong, swallowing dryly. “You really feel this way?” When he said nothing but twirl his tongue around his closed mouth, avoiding the topic, she nodded slowly and walked out of the bedroom and took the stairs down to the first floor. The sound of the front door slamming told us that her departure had been decided and we all just stood there quietly.

Jiyong sighed, taking a glance at himself in the broken mirror beside him then proceeded to walk towards me. When he walked passed, he shifted his body so that his shoulder wouldn’t hit mine on the way out. I sighed as well, running my fingers through my hair silently before looking at Jay. He knew.

“Chae, I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now.”

“Jiyong’s not going to hurt me—“

“He just put his hands on Kiko, what makes you so sure that he won’t do the same to you?”

“Because he wouldn’t.” He has never put his hands on me in the wrong way and it’s something I know that he won’t ever do. Despite everything that we’ve been through together, Jiyong would blow up this planet before he ever touched me with the intention of hurting me. While Jay was staring at me, I could feel his uncertainty. But it wasn’t his opinion that mattered to me, it was mine. And so I turned and walked out of the room, leaving the other two there.

Youngbae turned to Jay and spoke in a soft tone, “I don’t think he’s stupid enough to touch her, don’t worry about it.”

“If he does, I’ll kill him with my bare hands.” His teeth clenched together and finally removed his eyes from where I had been standing before I left. He let out an exaggerating groan and then removed his jacket, hanging it on the closet’s door knob. “Let’s try to clean this mess up. Where are the kids though?”

As Youngbae did the same, he flipped the mattress back over and placed it back where it was supposed to be. “Dara came over when I did; I made her take them back to her house for the night. I didn’t want them seeing or hearing their father the way he was.”

“None of us do,” Jay responded while fixing the blinds on one of the windows. 

***********

When I reached the top floor of the mansion, at the end of the hall was an entrance to a balcony. The door was half open and the curtains were slowly swaying in the wind. I looked over my shoulder for a brief moment before proceeding to quietly walk down the hall. Once I reached the door, I found Jiyong slouched down comfortably in a recliner while staring out at the open city in front of him. Smoke slowly exited his mouth before he put his cigarette out in a black ashtray beside him.

The night was cool and the view was amazing. The neighborhood his mansion was in was on top of a hill, giving everyone access to the best view of Seoul. After stepping out, I closed the door behind me and went over to another recliner that was seated a little ways away from Jiyong. He didn’t even look at me; he just kept his silence and his mind on other things.

Since it was clear that he wasn’t going to be the one firing up a conversation, I did. “What happened to you?” I questioned in a soft tone, looking at the cut underneath his eye. There was dried up blood surrounding  it and it looked swollen and probably hurt very much. He raised his thumb and ran it over the cut slowly before dropping his hand back to the arm rest. “I got into a bar fight.”

Of course, I should have known. I leaned back in the recliner and pulled my legs up, wrapping my arms around them afterwards. “So you and Kiko, what’s that about?”

“She’s just some girl I’ve known for a while. It’s nothing serious.”

“She seems like she loves you. Do you love her?”

“Nah. Like I said, it’s nothing serious.”

“And does she know that?”

“Yeah well,” he paused to rub his chin for a brief moment before squinting his eyes at the view slightly. “Some people try to force what will never be.”

“Yeah…I get it.” My headed nodded in understanding before looking down at the cement flooring. Man did I ever know what that feels like. After a moment, I looked back at him and placed my feet back down on the ground, leaning forward so that my elbows and forearms rested on the top of my thighs.

I guess he could feel my eyes on him because he looked right at me, causing me to quickly look away. I played like nothing happened and released a gentle exhale. He smirked softly, but it soon turned into a full smile. “Mhm.” He sat up in the recliner and pulled out his cigarette pack, finding it empty and sighed. “Man, I don’t feel too well.”

“I’m sure you don’t after all the drinking you did tonight.”

“What’s funny is, I’m not even drunk. And I only had nine drinks. Kiko just flipped out thinking I had like…thirty or some .”

“Nine is still a lot though, damn. How are you not drunk?” I looked over at him with a confused expression.

He only gave me a shrug and tossed his empty cigarette pack to the other side of the balcony, missing the trashcan. “I don’t know, I’m used to it I guess.”

“So if you’re not drunk then…sober Jiyong is capable of hitting a female?”

He placed his hand on his head and ruffled his hair up a little more but somehow it seemed to look perfect when he had finished. “Any male is capable of that. It’s a matter of choosing to or not.”

“Okay then, why did you choose to hit her?” When I asked this, I could see a change in his demeanor. A big change. A negative vibe came off of him but his words came out very calmly.

“It was a very sensitive topic that she dared to bring up. And I didn’t appreciate her thinking that she knew how I felt.”

“What if it had been me, saying all those things to you. Would you have reacted the same?”

“You know I wouldn’t.” His eyes looked directly at mine and I took his word for it because all I felt was honesty coming from him. And besides, I knew Jiyong. Better than anyone. At least I did…

“Then why react that way with her?”

He reached to the table beside him and picked up the beer bottle that was sitting on top of it and took a small sip, holding the liquid inside of his mouth for a few moments then swallowed it. “We all do things we aren’t so proud of, Chae.” Well now isn’t that the truth.

I played with my fingers, watching the ends of my hair sway gently due to the soft breeze that passed through. I have done many things that I am not proud of and a lot of things that I regret, but that’s the past. Who could change it now? “Is what she said true? Do you really screw girls and all that—“

“We all have our own ways of coping, Chaerin. I don’t apologize for it either.”

I got up from the chair and moved towards the edge of the balcony, placing my hands on the cement bar. I inhaled the night air and closed my eyes tightly, keeping my thoughts to myself. Why was I so bothered by this? I’m the one who left him, it doesn’t make any sense. Images of him with other women started to fill my head and it put a heavy weight on my chest. The way he would kiss another woman; the way he would touch another woman—just no. God no. Why. I reopened my eyes to rid the images I was seeing and bit down on my bottom lip. Damn, you’re such a stupid human being, Chae.

Jiyong kept quiet the whole time; I didn’t expect him to know or understand how I was feeling. I didn’t want him to either. It was pathetic… I was pathetic.

“Chae?”

I could hear his beer bottle being set down on the table and my heart rate began to quicken.

“Why did you leave me? Why did you leave us?”

I took one foot and crossed it behind the other, spreading my hands out on the cement wall in the process. My hands gripped the edges of it and I looked down, giving a light shrug. “You’re drunk, you won’t remember by morning if I tell you.”

“If that’s what’s going to help you sleep tonight, then by all means. But please do tell me anyway.”

You don’t know how bad I wanted him to just be drunk, ugh. Why, why does he have to be so—sober enough?? “I can’t,” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him why. Not now. It would ruin so much—well it’s not like anything is right in the first place. Everything is ruined because of my choices. “It would change your view on me even more, I can’t.”

He stood up from the recliner he was sitting on and approached me from behind. I didn’t move once his hands were placed against the cement wall, his forearms barely touching my sides. I couldn’t move, I was frozen and I even forgot how to breathe for a few moments.

“Would you stop worrying about what others think? That’s your problem. Well one of them anyways. I’ve seen your ugly, you’ve seen mine. We aren’t so different, you and I.” He was wrong; we are very different people. At least to me we were. He pressed his face against the back of my left shoulder and breathed out heavily, “Please Chae.”

As my lips parted, air filled my lungs in a hurry. I turned around to be face to face with him. My eyes examined his face before they stopped on his lips that were being wet by his tongue. His index finger came to my chin to raise my head up slightly, my eyes looking into his. They looked empty, sad. He didn’t look like the Jiyong I used to know; but he was. Only difference is he is now a troubled and twisted Jiyong because of what I’ve done to him. I often question myself: If I had the chance to go back in time to the day I left, would I have still left or would I have stayed and tried harder? Tried harder to be the person they all wanted me to be? I would feel guilty for leaving him, for leaving them…but being who I am now, my honest answer is I would have still left.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” I asked in a weak voice, keeping my eyes locked on his.

It took him a moment to respond but in this time, he removed his finger from my chin. His eyes looked down before looking back at mine. “Because I didn’t want to.”

As hurtful as that sounded, I deserved that. I knew it was still never as bad as what he has been forced to feel these years that have passed. There are some cruel people in this world, and I’m one of them. “Goodnight, Jiyong.” I turned my head away from him and moved out from between him and the rail.

“Wait—“

I stopped after opening the slide door and looked back at him. He bit his bottom lip before putting his hands in his pockets. “Do you…do you still have that crown ring with the sapphire diamonds on it that I gave you?” 

He gave me that ring the night 2NE1 won their first award. He told me that I would rise with 2NE1 and as an individual. He called me his queen and that he would always have faith in me. That ring was a big deal to the both of us. “Yeah…I still have it.” I gave him a half smile before walking back inside and closing the door behind me. I closed my eyes and leaned my back against the wall, my hands pressing against the sides of my heads. You can call me a bad person. That’s what I am.

Jiyong removed one hand from his pocket and his fingers pulled out a silver chain that was hanging around his neck, hidden under his shirt. On the chain was a crown ring with sapphire diamonds. He stared at it, letting the lie linger in his thoughts. When he lifted his eyes from it, he tucked it back underneath his shirt and sighed. 

I headed downstairs where I founded Jay and Youngbae sitting at the bottom. They both looked up at me with questioning looks on their faces. “How did it go?” Youngbae asked.

I gave a light shrug and pulled my hood on over my head, placing my hands inside the pockets of the hoodie. “Fine, I guess. Can we go home now Jay…”

“Yeah sure, Bae’s coming with us. That cool with you?”

I nodded gently and stepped off of the last few stairs when the guys stood up. Youngbae slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me against his side to hug me while Jay leaned over and kissed the side of my head that was covered with the hoodie. “Thanks guys…” I mumbled lowly before they both pulled away and we all headed outside. Youngbae got in his car while Jay and I got in his. We drove off back to Jay’s house and Youngbae followed.

***********

After we got back to Jay’s house, it was around four in the morning. The guys were down in the kitchen eating an early breakfast and talking about random things while I showered. Well, I didn’t even need cleansing; I just stood in the hot water trying to clear my mind of everything. The heat on my skin relaxed me and made me tired which is what I wanted. I turned around and closed my eyes, letting the water pour down my face for about a minute before finally turning it off.

I got out and wrapped myself in a towel, drying my hair as much as possible with the other. Once I got my body dried off, I put on a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants then went out of the bathroom where I found a trail of cheerios on the floor. “What even…” I chuckled softly and followed the trail that led me to the kitchen wear a plate of biscuits were waiting for me at the counter top and a glass of orange juice. Jay and Youngbae came out from around the corner and tossed confetti at me, “Surprise!”

I put my hands up to block my face and laughed softly, “What is this?” Jay scooped me up in his arms and carried me over to the counter where he set me down on a stool. “It’s breakfast time!”

“This early?” I raised my eyebrows, glancing at the biscuits.

“It is never too early for food,” Jay nodded and then stole one of my biscuits, biting into it happily.

“And you’re stealing my food?”

“Hey, a man’s gotta eat.”

My finger reached out to his nose and I poked it gently before giving a small smile. “Thanks guys but, I’m not very hungry.”

“Great then there’s more for me.” Jay grabbed the plate and walked out of the room childishly, going into the living room to watch TV.

“Jay those were for her! Aish..” Youngbae shook his head before taking the seat next to me.

“It’s okay, he’s a fatty.”

“I heard that!” He shouted from the other room.

“It was meant for you to hear!” I chuckled and ran my fingers through my damp hair, looking back at Youngbae.

“Look Chae, I know we kind of got off on the wrong foot when you came back here…um well—I’ve been a real jerk to you even before you left so, I’m really sorry. You don’t deserve that.” He sighed and rubbed his face with his hand briefly before resting his arm on the counter.

I gave a light shrug after listening to him and placed my elbow on the counter, leaning the side of my head against my hand. “It’s okay, I get it. But thank you for that.”

“Here’s the thing, Jiyong’s an sometimes. We all know that. But I don’t want you to let him put you in the dark again, alright? I understand from Jay that you have your own problems and things you need to work on and have been for the past two years. I’m sorry I wasn’t more understanding. I shouldn’t have turned my back on you the way that I did.”

“There are always two sides to every story, Bae. I really do appreciate your apologies, I really do. It means a lot to me.” A soft smile spread across my lips as I looked at him. 

He returned the smile to me and leaned over to give my cheek a peck. “Mwah.”

“Ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!” I used the sleeve of my shirt to quickly wipe off my cheek while he was laughing at me. “Disgusting! Gross! Ew!” He always knew how to cheer me up though, just like Jay. He lifted me up from the chair I was sitting in and threw me over his shoulder, carrying me into the other room where Jay was and dropped me on the couch beside him.

“Jay he kissed me!” I pointed at Youngbae and curled up next to Jay.

“Excuse—hoe she’s my woman, the ??” He took a biscuit and threw it at Youngbae’s face.

“Hey that was a perfectly good biscuit, now no one can eat it!” He gasped and looked at it on the floor.

“Yeah, cuz it touched your diseased face.” Jay chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows at his friend before slinging his arm around my shoulder. “Mine.”

Bae rolled his eyes at Jay and flopped down on the other side of me, getting comfortable to watch what was on TV. I love these two idiots, they’re family to me. They always have been because I grew up with them. They were something else.

After a moment of silence, me and Bae slowly looked at Jay and asked at the same time, “Why the are we watching a o?!”

“I haven’t gotten laid in like—48 hours! Geez, what is yall’s problem?”

We both face palmed and shook our heads at him. This guy. 

Hey guys thanks so much for checking out the story! Please continue to leave your thoughts in the comments, I love reading them. See you on the next chapter!