It was the last night of my American tour and now being back in my hotel room alone, I cannot even begin to express the conflicted emotions that have hit me. How does one explain something that they don’t even understand? I’ve spent two years trying to put myself back together when everyone else just thinks I have been completely fine. Since I am the one who walked away, they’re all so quick to believe that I didn’t care about who and what I was leaving behind. What kind of a world do we live in nowadays? I admit what I have done was wrong, but I did what I did because I felt like it was for the best. But there’s only one thing that makes all of this worse, the fact that I’m flying back to Seoul tomorrow.

After taking my hair down, I climb into bed and release a heavy sigh. “What is left for me in Seoul?” My hands are brought to my face and they begin to rub the exhausted expression that is plastered on it.

Knock, knock. “Baaaaaaaabbyyyy Chaaaeeee!!!!”

The annoyance couldn’t be any more real at this point.

Upon making his way inside of my room without giving me the chance to respond, he flops down onto my bed and starts poking my side nonstop. “Babbyy Chaaaeeee!!”

“Whaaaaat do you want, Jay?” Swatting at his hands and rolling over on to my side, scrunching up my nose. Jay has been there for me for as long as I can remember, he’s my best friend.

“I want to put you to bed,” the smirk that plays on his lips causes me to raise my hand in front of me and tries to cover his mouth from a distance to block it from my view. “I’m already in bed though.”

“I meant my bed, .” He chuckles and takes a hold on my hand, gently slapping it before looking over at my empty suitcases across the room. “You are the laziest, I swear.”

“I’m not being lazy about it; I just don’t want to pack.”

“Hello, that’s right around the lazy corner, genius. Are you still not ready to go back?”

Sighing, I couldn’t deny it; I’m really not ready to go back. I mean, what’s it going to be like? I really don’t feel like having a whole bunch of people stare at me and judge me when they don’t even know the real story. I love how they all just believe anything and everything that comes out of Jiyong’s mouth, it’s pathetic really. He’s like the king and they’re all his little servants. But it’s always been like that, and I’m willing to put money down, it probably hasn’t changed one bit; and probably neither has he.

“Do I have to go back…” The mumbled words under my breath causes Jay to brush the hair out of my face as I was sitting up, my eyes glancing at his very shortly.

“No, you don’t have to go back. But it would be the right thing to do.” Maybe he was right; maybe I have just been in denial for the past two years. Maybe—there’s a possibility that he’s right, right? Or maybe he’s wrong, yes. “LOOK AT JAY PARK ALWAYS WRONG!”

“And look at Lee Chaerin, always looking like without makeup!”

“I do not look like when I—“

“I think I’m ugly, and nobody wants to love me!!!” He breaks out in song, cutting me off and jumping up from the bed.

“You cannot sing, you are seriously off key, yaaah!!!” Throwing all of my pillows at him, I stand up on the bed afterwards just to be taller than him for once. “Just like her, I wanna be pretty,” I make a quick glance in the mirror on the wall and gasp, placing my hand on my heart. “Oh my gosh, I already am!”

He rolls his eyes, walking over to the bed chuckling and grabs my legs, throwing me over his shoulder. “You know you’re drop dead gorgeous, babe.”

“But of course I am,” I smile happily, holding on to him as he carries me out of the room and down the hall to his room, the security shaking their head at us in a playful manner. “Wait, are we going to have a ?”

“What makes you ask that?” His eyebrow rose up with the pursing of his lips.

“Because, you always have a girl in your room this late at night.” Clicks my tongue and releases a soft hum, waiting for him to set me down on my feet inside of his hotel room. Once he does so, he glances around the place before looking back at me and places his hands on my waist. “Well would you look at that, you’re right! I do have a girl in my room this late at night! It’s you!”

“Ewwww……” My expression instantly turned and so did my body away from him, hearing his chuckles and trying to refuse the back hug he proceeds to give me. “Oh hush, you know you want me.”

“Says who?”

“Says me,” He pulls back, ruffling my hair all up then goes over to his bed, kicking his shoes off on to the floor then flops down on the more comfortable area.

“Only in your dreams, dork.” Grins playfully at him and stands in front of him, folding my arms before he unfolds them and takes my hands in his, looking up into my eyes. 

“Look, I know you’re not ready to go back to Seoul, but what’s the worst that could happen? I mean, you still have something left there. It’s just buried; you have to dig it up again.”

“But why would I want to dig up the past when I’ve been killing myself to bury it?” I sigh, closing my eyes momentarily before reopening them to return my eyes to his.

“Because, it might be worth it, love. Now come on Shorty,” He releases my hands and goes underneath the blankets, patting the empty space beside him. “It’s way past bedtime.”

“Yes ma’am,” I couldn’t help but joke to break the seriousness that filled the atmosphere at that moment while climbing into bed and falling down against the mattress, curling up in a small ball.

It might be worth it? I thought to myself, repeating his words over and over in my head as I lie there beside him, already seeing that I wouldn’t be getting a good night’s rest tonight. It might be worth it…

*****

The first breath that I took of Seoul when I stepped off of the airplane this afternoon couldn’t have been more suffocating. I haven’t even been back for three hours and I already want to stab myself in the throat; that would be a much more pleasurable feeling.

On the other hand, Jay is really excited to be back home. All of his family and friends are here and it’s been a long time since he’s seen them. He had been in America all of this time with me, supporting me and just being by my side. I couldn’t ask for a better friend than him. It’s hard, finding true friends in this corrupted world these days, isn’t it? There’s just one downfall to this, when am I going to drop him and forget his very existence? Since I’m good at doing those types of things to even the best people in my life…

“Chae, are you almost ready? We’re supposed to be at the YG building at seven, I don’t want to be late.”

Like I tried to convince myself before, I have nothing and no one here in Seoul; therefore I’m staying at Jay’s place. “Yes I’m….ready.” The sarcasm was so real at this moment. I come out of the room where he’s waiting for me in the hallway and give him an exaggerating sigh, holding my hands out to him.

He chuckles in response, taking one of my hands and leads me to the limo out front. “You look absolutely stunning, but that frown of yours is ruining the look!”

“It is permanently painted on my face now because you are dragging me to this stupid party.”

After getting inside the limo, he places his hand on my knee and pats it reassuringly, “We are crashing the party, Shorty. They don’t even know we are coming, I can’t miss this opportunity!”

Of course he couldn’t, Jay was never one for missed opportunities. He’s always taking chances and risks and putting himself out there and just being, himself; the real person that he is. It’s something I admire about him and it makes me wish I could do the same. Well, I can do the same; it’s just that I’m not willing. Not only is he a part of the phenomenal AOMG, but he’s also a part of the YG Family, or whatever that is. It must be something I’m not included in, ha. And let’s not forget, he’s like Jiyong’s brother. Great, right?

“If they don’t know that we are attending this party that must mean they don’t know I am coming.” Reality finally settled in my brain and I could already feel the headache begging to develop.

“Okay, and?”

“Meaning I won’t be welcomed? I’m sure Jiyong has turned everyone in that so called family against me. They probably won’t even be able to stand the sight of me, Jay.” Don’t get me wrong, they were once my family too. But things change and people change.

Jay’s head shifted towards the window in the opposite direction of me, I could see his jaw being clenched together and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and look elsewhere as well. What I don’t understand is how he even puts up with my difficult and complicated . I mean, even I can’t put up with myself.

After finally getting through the downtown traffic, we arrived at the YG building. It feels so foreign to me, since I haven’t been here in a while. I can only imagine what’s going to go down tonight. The night air brushed over my exposed skin, causing me to put on my leather jacket and slip my hands in the pockets. The memories, all flushing back to me by just standing in the parking lot in front of this large building.

As a kid, I remember when I used to ride my bike here and just stare at the front door, telling myself that one day I would walk through that door and be a part of the company itself. Those were the good days when that moment finally came; I really do miss some of what used to be. My eyes slowly examined the building in front of me, remembering my very first vocal recording, my first spark of true happiness, the time I scraped my knee on this very concrete that I’m standing on due to Seungri being so clumsy. But then other memories hit me, ones I didn’t want to remember.

The arguments with him, holes in the walls, unbearable pain, I sighed; finally snapping out of the unpleasant day dream when Jay waved his hand in my face. 

“Come on, sleeping beauty. It’s time to rock the house.” He smiled excitedly and headed right up to the front door. Music was bouncing off of the building walls and it only got louder as we reached the elevator and headed up to the ninth floor.

This was it, one of the moments that I wanted to forever avoid. I held my breath, staring at the elevator door without ever blinking in the process. Jay turned to me and pressed a kiss to my forehead, wrapping his arms around me from the side as he whispered comforting words into my ear. I was too stiff to return the hug, and I felt as if I went deaf the very second we reached the ninth floor and the door opened up.

“Aaaayeeeee, look who has returned!!” Jay’s voice echoed throughout the entire room, the screams of everyone else topped his as they ran to him and attacked him in hugs. I could see the happiness run throughout his body and unknowingly, a small smile crept on my lips.  I was happy for him; I know he missed his friends and family. I wish it wasn’t like that though; I never asked him to come with me when I left, he just followed. I never understood why, maybe it’s just because he’s such a great friend to me. But why would someone leave everything great in their life to follow and be beside someone like me?

“Oh my god, Jay! I missed you so much!” Ah, Dara unnie. She’s still as beautiful as ever, but I wonder if that smile of hers would be as sweet as her attitude towards me tonight.

“Jay oppa, you got so buff! You’re looking great!” Wow, Minzy? My little partner in crime! In the trainee days, we used to cause so much trouble for the boys since we were two of the youngest in the entire building at that time. I remember it like it was just yesterday when we handcuffed Youngbae and Jiyong to each other then locked them in one of the small closets because we shipped them more than anything else. I remember the time when we slipped Seungri a fake letter from Papa YG stating that he was being removed from the company. That was so mean of us but only because he cried for an hour. Good times, where have they gone?

Look at them, all having a great time with him. It’s like I’m just a part of the wallpaper, but that’s what I expected.

“Are you going to join us or stay in the elevator all night?” A male’s voice asked, causing me to finally break the continuous stare on Jay.

What? I thought to myself.

Faint chuckles passed his lips as his eyes glanced down to the floor, returning his eyes on mine afterwards. “Do you want to join us, Chaerin?”

Do I want to join a room full of people who hate me? What kind of a question is this guy asking me, did he not get the news?

He noticed my awkward silence and shook his head some, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “It’s been awhile, what made you come back?”

Two words, Jay Park.

I did nothing but stare at him and I think I forgot what breathing was in the process. He took a few steps inside of the elevator and hit the highest floor’s button. The door closed and we were then lifted up. I finally took a small breath in, releasing it as quiet as possible. This was confusing me in more ways than one, why was he talking to me? No, I think the real question is why am I even here.

“I’ve seen your work over in America; you’re doing well with yourself.” He smiled, nudging my arm slightly and waiting to see if he could get any type of response out of me. All I did was turn my head in the other direction slightly, swallowing the dry lump that had been stuck in my throat for the past few minutes. What am I even supposed to say? I don’t even know where to begin.

We finally reached the top floor and he got out, only stopping to see that I hadn’t moved one inch. His hand then clasped around mine and pulled me out of the elevator, leading me out on to the rooftop where we could look down at the city of Seoul. I forgot how beautiful it really is here. The silence on my half continued as we stood side by side near the edge, enjoying the view.

“Look Chaerin, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t blame you considering the last time we saw each other.” He was right; I didn’t want to talk to him. Why would I want to talk to someone who jumped down my throat, called me every name in the book and completely me? He’s got a lot of nerve to be standing in my presence.

“In case you’re wondering, they’re doing well—“

“What do you want, Youngbae?” I cut him off, not even wanting to hear it.

“I want to have a decent conversation with you, that’s what I want. I think you at least owe me that after everything.”

“I owe you nothing,” My chuckle was full of sarcasm, rolling my eyes to a different direction that was more worth my time.

“You owe us all an explanation, especially Jiyong. Maybe if you get your head out of your , you would know that.”

“Sure I do.”

“Wow, you haven’t changed one bit in the last two years, have you? What happened to the Chaerin we all used to know and love?”

“She died a long time ago; it’s funny how you would forget that.” It will be even funnier if they all have forgotten that. Tsk.

He sighed, shaking his head and pushed himself off of the rail he was leaning on. I know I’m a very difficult person to be tolerated with; I understand everyone’s frustration with me when it comes to the way I act in situations like this. “You can go half way across the world; you can disappear for two more years and it still won’t solve any of your problems, Chaerin. Running away from your problems does nothing but make them worse. You just really dug yourself a deep hole, good luck getting out of this one.”

“Bull, his life was better when I left.”

“Of course it was, your departure meant one less conniving in his life. But your departure also stabbed him in the heart, he ing loved you. You just didn’t care.” And there it is, once again people thinking that I don’t care.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you the one who clearly told me to get out of his life?” A glare formed in my eyes as I stared up at him, my jaw clenching together. I did not come back for this.

“I certainly did, because he deserved so much better than you. I was tired of him drinking his life away every other damn day because of you. You were toxic to him, and he was much better off without you. I hated seeing him the way he was.”

“Okay, and you’re telling me what I already know. You’re saying I should give him an explanation and all of this bull, don’t you think the idea of me stepping back into his life even momentarily to give him that would him up even more?”

“Of course it would him up even more.”

“Then what’s the point of even trying?” I rolled my eyes, getting tired of the growing argument. While turning around, I begin walking and his hand grabs on to my wrist, yanking me back to him. “Yah!”

“Don’t you dare walk away from me, Chaerin. I’m not done talking to you.”

“Let go of my wrist, now.” My voice was calm, but the feeling in my chest was about to make me burst. He stared at me, inhaling deeply before he finally released me. I took a step back and my fingers curled into firm fists.

“Yes, in the end you were everything he did not need. You were both better off without each other, and I was happy when you finally left him. But on the other hand, I was pissed at you. You could have changed your ways, became a better person for not only him, but for yourself. The day you left is the day Jiyong died. He changed; I hated seeing him the way he was. You broke him, and you still don’t care. He was stupid because he loved you, but he also needed you to keep a part of him alive.”

My fists loosened and my eyes closed, a sigh following afterwards. I did always wonder how he felt after I left, and now I know. But it still doesn’t make a difference. “I have my own reasons for leaving, reasons that none of you stopped to question. Not even him.”

“That’s because you didn’t give anyone the chance, Chae. You always closed yourself off to the rest of the world with your problems, your feelings. We can’t read your mind.”

“Well I am so sorry that I am not perfect, Youngbae.”

“It was never about how perfect or imperfect you are. You know damn well that he deserves to understand why you left.”

“What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

“He doesn’t,” Youngbae paused, glancing out at the city with his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. “But he needs to. I’d advise you to do so soon; it might be your last chance.” He turned to me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and spoke to me in a softer tone, almost faint. “Don’t miss that chance; I promise, you will regret it in the end if you do.”

“What are you even talking about?” My eyebrows furrowed, gently taking his hand down. He only gave me a fake small smile and turned to walk away. As I watched him, he went silently. A heavy weight began to rest on my chest, it was horrible. My mind has no idea what he was talking about or what he meant; but somehow it was like my heart understood. It’s always a constant battle between the heart and mind, and neither likes to communicate with each other or get along. I tilted my head back, a deep groan echoing in the back of my throat. Life, why have you done this to me? I folded my arms and took one last glance at the city before heading back inside.

******

I stepped back into the party with full confidence on my mind and complete hesitation in my actions. I don’t even know where to begin so I just stood there, slowly looking around at the scene to see if anyone would spot me.

“No way, CL?! I—Is that you??”

I turned around to find a younger girl only a little bit smaller than me in height, “Hayi?”

“Yes! Oh my god, you know my name??” She gasped, grabbing on to my hands and shook me a little. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her adorable reaction.

“Of course I know your name, you’re Lee Hayi; YG’s newest star. I love your music, your vocals are amazing.” She arrived at YG a few days before I left two years ago. I seen her around a few times but never had the time to talk to her.

She inhaled in an uneven manner, placing her hands on her cheeks and began to tear up, “The CL knows who I am! Oh god, I love you so much. You’re my ultimate bias, you always have been! Can I please get a picture with you??”

“Aww of course you can, hun!” For once tonight, I didn’t feel so alone and low key angry. I love my fans; they always have a way of turning my negative moods around. The excitement filled her face as she pulled out her phone quickly and stood beside me, holding it outward. I placed my arm around her waist from the side and gave off a sweet smile for the picture with her and afterwards she immediately hugged me.

“Thank you so much, unnie you’re the best!”

“You’re very welcome, sweet heart. It was great to finally meet you! Since I’m back in the city, would you like to hang out some time?” I asked her, running my fingers through my hair a bit and she nodded, bouncing on her feet slightly.

“I am such a lucky fan,” She gave me another hug before glancing over her shoulder to some YG trainees that were in the back. “I should get back to my squad, unnie. But thank you once again!”

“Anytime, love.” I nodded, waving to her as she walked off. Ah yes, the wonderful flushed feeling of being loved by someone ran through my veins and I caught myself putting on a real smile for the first time after being back in Seoul.

-------

“Here’s your drink, oppa.” The girl smiled as she handed another drink to Jiyong, being pulled into his lap to sit afterwards.

“Thank you, baby girl.” He leaned forward and gave the female a quick peck on the lips, taking a small sip of his drink afterwards. “So how have you been, Jay?” He turned his head to the right to see Jay in the midst of making out with another girl. “This kid…” Jiyong reached over, grabbing on to the back of Jay’s shirt and pulled him from the girl enough to break their kiss and repeated his question to the pouting male.

“Oh, I’ve been really good. Life’s been great! Really great, yep.” Jay nodded quickly before instantly crashing his lips back on to the hungry female, placing his hand on her inner thigh and began to caress it slowly while his tongue was shoved into .

Jiyong then glanced at his own girl and chuckled before looking back at them, nodding his head a few times in approval, “I’ve taught him well.” While releasing a soft hum, he handed his drink to the girl on his lap; letting her have some while he pulled out his phone and clicked on the Instagram app. His head was bobbing to the music gently that was blasting in the room, scrolling through his news feed before he came to an abrupt stop.  His eyes squinted at the picture in disbelief, his arm tightening around the female slightly. The picture was of Hayi and CL posted from Hayi’s Instagram account. “I just met The Baddest Female, hashtag goals?” He mumbled the caption under his breath before his eyes shot up to the crowd, his jaw clenching.

“Jay, she’s here?”

When he did not get the answer to his question, he glanced over at Jay who was too occupied making out with his girl and feeling her up. “Jay—Why is she- Jay! Ughhh forget it.” He gave up trying to get the other’s attention and helped the woman up from his lap. He scanned the crowd as he walked into it, looking all over for the so called ‘Baddest Female’ until he met eyes with the side of her face from across the room. He stopped breathing and anger swelled up inside of him in a matter of seconds. The had returned.

He had every intention of approaching her and throwing her out. He also wanted to vomit at the sight of her. But oh no, he had a much better idea in mind. He turned around and headed for the stage that was in the room, a smirk forming on his lips while grabbing one of the mics.

“What’s up everybody, it’s your boy GD! Firstly I want to thank you all for coming, in case some of you didn’t notice, our Jay Park has returned to us!” His finger pointed over in the direction that Jay was sitting and he finally pulled away from the girl to see what was up. He chuckled; raising his hands a bit to the screaming excited crowd then proceeded to wipe his lips off.

“I’ve got a new song that I want you guys to hear,” Jiyong paused, taking the mic down for a moment as he met eyes with me. I couldn’t believe that was him. It was extremely hard, having his eyes staring back at my own. When some seconds passed, music began to play again and he brought back the mic to his mouth.

‘You couldn't have done any worse, girl you're nothing, yeah that's right girl, you're nothing.

Hold up, hold up

You hear that? That's the sound of my heart never coming back

Never thought that you could go so low, that's not the right way to act.

You were my everything.

All the lies and the tears,

All the memories and the years all washed away when you walked out.

Can't explain how I felt, but now I'm living it out

Standing up here to tell you what I'm really all about.

We could have taken our time, worked out all of our problems.

But you didn't care, you were ready to go

Saying ‘bye bye’, a million times in a row

And now you're here to say

Oh what, ‘I'm sorry’?

Save it. Girl you don’t mean it.

Our love went down, down further than 6 feet

I’m still here

I’m jumping to this beat.

Look around and just listen, nobody is paying you any kind of attention.

So why you here? Why don’t you just walk out now?

Go ahead; I’ll give you one last bow.”

The crowd roared at his performance while I was frozen in a wave of pain and anger. Did he really just do that to me in front of everyone? Wow, I thought I wouldn’t be surprised but I actually am. He really has changed, like Youngbae said. Maybe I deserved it though… My eyes focused on the floor where my vision suddenly became blurred, I wanted nothing more but to leave. And that’s exactly what I did. 

Hey guys thanks for reading! Please do comment your thoughts below!