chapter image source:teampd101

"You did well up there lil buddy."

"Okay. Are you going to leave now?"

"What's with the cold treatment?"

"Why did you even come?"

"I'm just here to support my little sister's great performance, the way we had promised before you went to this show. Did I do something wrong?"

"I...you...you could've just stayed in the crowd."

"Some siblings weekend drama huh."

I turned to the voice, suddenly realizing I wasn't alone there watching the exchange between Sehee and her brother.

"I...maybe we..I mean...I... should go."

"Why should we? This is interesting."

She held my shoulders to keep me in that scene, next to the wall that somewhat hid us from the siblings, or that's what I hoped, while continued to peeked at the siblings from behind my own restrained frame. To be honest, I'm not sure if I wanted to be involved in such a scene. Well, if you would argue that eavesdropping is not counted as being involved, that's how I've been involved in this whole competition, being out of the conversations but assuming that I'm involved, because otherwise, I wouldn't. I would never. I remember one time when I missed a replacement class that wasn't announced in the official schedule and I told teacher that nobody told me there's a class and I was scolded.

"Why should anyone care about you to tell you? Are you here to make friends? To take care of each other? No. You're here to fight each other for that limited spot. Why would anyone who know tell their competitor about something that could potentially make them lose the spot they wanted so badly with their blood and tears? You'd think that what Oh Seojung did was wrong and that we were upset at her for being so selfish right? Actually, what she did was the reality. We even saw potential in that. What upset us that she wasn't subtle about it to get caught by the camera being selfish. You don't do that. But being kind and hoping everyone would treat you kindly isn't how you go about it either, not in a competition like this. If nobody involve you, then involve yourself. If you can find anyone's weakness, than make it your advantage. Always be kind and lovable when you know the camera is watching you, but pretend to not know it. What you do when there's no camera, is up to you, no restriction. That's how idol world works. Learn to live it if you really want to be in it."

I still remember the advices, some of it, weren't unheard. Like, to act nice when you know there's camera lurking somewhere. I've heard this in our company's training too, and I bet, in every other company too. Though our trainer had made it easier. saying that if it's hard to act, then just learn to be kind, because that's how most of our seniors manage to survive. They're my role models. I mean, look at Park Gyuri sunbaenim. She hardly stand out in her own group despite being so beautiful and is the leader and having unique voice and personality. She's just like the background, other members in her group always end up being more popular, even the new girl who got that place I fought hard for...Youngji. Even she's more popular. But Gyuri sunbaenim always kept her cool. Once when KARA came to give us some words of advice when we're in that KARA Project show, Gyuri sunbaenim told us, to just work hard and be consistent if we think we really want to achieve a dream, and one day, we'll realize if that dream is what we really wanted all along, and that one day, everything will be over and life goes on, so there's nothing much to be so upset over or to fight so hard to get. Because everything will just fall in place.

I didn't understand it that much, but now...seeing how KARA sunbaenim had somewhat, disbanded, I guess, I'm starting to see what she was trying to tell us. It's just that...I've been living believing that this is my destiny. This is my path. This is what I want to be and where I want to stand on - the stage. Maybe one day, I'll realize something else. But I want to try to see how far I can take myself further in this. Can't it just be that way?

And eversince I was scolded that day for not attending class, I had been living this way, making sure to include myself even when I'm not included, not invited. Since I already succeeded to get myself into this top 101, and now, top 61, why not just persevere and see how far I can go? Though I never thought of going as far as to take advantage of other people's weakness just to stand out, what if it was my weakness that is discovered instead? I want to live like Park Gyuri sunbaenim, uprightly and not recklessly or being anything that would make me regret in the future when I realize that maybe, this wasn't my dream after all.

"Oh...so are you ashamed of me now that you're so far more popular? Puh~row~duu~ce one oh one? So much more fancier than your nugu oppa huh?"

"Popular?...Yeah, then so why did you come you...nugu?!"

"Alright. Understood. I'm outta here."

"Aish...pabo.