Note: it's hella late right now so if there's any mistakes I'll probably correct them tomorrow.

 

 

Kim Mingyu comes to the conclusion that he is an idiot.

You see, when you’re playing truth or dare and someone dares you to kiss the most beautiful and important person to you present in the room you should kiss your girlfriend and not your best friend. He blames ing Hansol for this, because if he hand’t dare him to do that he wouldn’t be in this situation: with his girlfriend saying she wants to break up and telling him how much of an he is. 

“C’mon Yerin, don’t do this,” Mingyu pleads to his girlfriend. 

“I just saw you kiss Wonwoo in front of me and you have the audacity to ask me not to break up with you?” and okay maybe she does have a point, Mingyu thinks.

“I wasn’t thinking and—“

“The fact that you weren’t even thinking before you kissed your best friend instead of me doesn’t really help your case,” she let’s go of Mingyu’s hand and sits on the sofa. “You know I always wondered what was between you two. You always seemed more like a couple than anything else, even after we started dating so I don’t think it was much of a shock, really.”

“Don’t say that because it’s not true. I love you, not Wonwoo. I’m with you because I want to and I will do anything for you to forgive me,” he sits next to her and puts his hand on her knees. “It was nothing. He’s nothing but my best friend, and if you want me to stop talking to him I will.”

That earns him a pretty hard smack in the head. 

“You’re honestly too stupid for words, Kim Mingyu. Of course I don’t want you to stop talking with Wonwoo, not only is he your best friend but he is also your housemate,” and Mingyu is kinda glad she said that because he doesn’t really think he would be able to stop talking to his best friend. “It’s just that I love you, I really do, I just don’t think I can really trust you after this.”

Mingyu understands her, he does, but he also doesn’t want to lose her; and he wishes it was because of how much he loves her, that the thought of losing her is incomprehensible for him, but it’s not. He knows that he is bullting his way through this apology, that he doesn’t love her as much as she loves him (how many times had he considered breaking up with her? How many time did he wish it was Wonwoo he was kissing instead of her?), but he has to because the last thing he wants is to disappoint everyone if they ever find out he likes a boy. 

“I understand that, but I don’t wanna lose you, I really don’t. You mean to much to me,” to my reputation.

 

Wonwoo heard everything. He heard how Mingyu was ready to just stop talking to him and all he wants is to yell at Mingyu for making him feel so insignificant, something that Mingyu can just cast aside when he feels like it. 

He didn’t mean to listen to them talk, it was a private matter that didn’t concern Wonwoo at all, but he had ran to his room after the kiss and when he heard someone fighting he just couldn’t help himself. 

Wonwoo always had that stupid hope that one day, maybe, Mingyu could like him back, and a part of him always knew that was unrealistic, that Mingyu was as straight as they come, but still he had hope; and when Mingyu had kissed him earlier it was better than all those times he had imagined it happen wide wake at night. There were no fireworks or the feeling of butterflies in his belly like all the books and movies talk about, instead it felt like home, it was warm and the smell of Mingyu’s strawberry shampoo was all he could smell. 

All his hope had grown as the kiss deepened, just to be crushed right after. 

That’s what you get for hoping, you idiot. 

 

After a long conversation, a really long conversation, Yerin decided to give Mingyu another chance - even if part of her told her that she shouldn’t because she knows the truth; because she knows Mingyu doesn’t love her the way he says he does, but maybe if she pretends enough she will be able to believe her own lie. 

 

 

 

“You ing ,” that’s the first thing that comes out of Mingyu’s mouth when he sees Hansol again two days later outside the university. 

Mingyu knew damn well that the younger was avoiding him because he knew Mingyu was gonna end him, even if everyone knew that the only one to blame was Mingyu himself. 

“Hey, hey! Calm down,” he says as he hides himself behind Seungcheol. “Before you even think about saying something let me just say this is not my fault.”

“But if you di—,” Mingyu started but was interrupted by Hansol. 

“It’s hardly my fault you’re a ,” and Mingyu looks at him like he is about to smack his to the ing moon but just sighs instead. 

Seungcheol is just admiring the situation. By now he was sure everyone in their group knew how much Wonwoo liked Mingyu and how much Mingyu pretended not to like Wonwoo back. It was amusing in the beginning, but as time passed and Mingyu got himself a girlfriend it’s just became really sad and made everything awkward at times. 

“But what kind of question was that?” he says siting at the end of Hansol’s bed.

“It’s a perfectly normal question it’s not my fault you’re in love with your best friend, is it?” this kid has some ing nerve. 

“Listen Mingyu, we know—“ Seungcheol starts but Mingyu doesn’t let him finish. 

“You know nothing! Nothing,” he screams without really meaning to. “I’m really sick and tired of your talks about how I like Wonwoo and whatnot. Please understand and respect that I’m with Yerin and I love her, not Wonwoo.”

He stormed out of the place as he finished and figured it was not a god idea to go to the place he shared with Wonwoo, so he went to the nearest pub he could find. 

 

 

 

He isn’t one for drinking but here he is, two hours later and maybe he is a little tipsy. Just a little, even if the bartender keeps saying he’s too drunk and won’t give him anymore alcohol. 

“I'm not in love with Jeon Wonwoo,” he says to no one in particular. “I’m not in love with him, right?”

And the bartender just looks at him as if asking if he really wants an answer. 

“Look kid, you’ve had enough for today so how about I call someone to pick you up?” and Mingyu just nods and places his head on the counter. “And by the way, you do sound pretty in love with this Wonwoo guy.”

“You know, Wonwoo is a great guy,” he says to the bartender while he’s on Mingyu’s phone asking someone to pick him up. “I remember the first time I saw him, he was asleep in our dorm and I swear he looked like an angel, my first thought was ‘wow he’s so beautiful. I’m incredibly ed', and Christ on a tricycle was I right.”

Mingyu just goes on and on about how amazing and beautiful Wonwoo is, how no one can match this boy, how he wishes the world was different, how he wishes he could accept himself. Before he can say anything more he feels a light tap on his shoulder. 

“Ah Wonwoo, what are you doing here?” he says too happy, as if he hasn’t been ignoring Wonwoo these past couple of days. 

“Well apparently you need someone  to take you home.”

“You’re always saving me,” and he wraps his arms around Wonwoo’s neck. “My own knight in shinning armor.”

And he giggles. He ing giggles. 

Wonwoo feels his heart melt, as cliché as it sounds, and his mouth turn into a smile.

“You’re drunk. Let’s go!”

 

It’s not an easy task to take Mingyu home when you don’t own a car, Wonwoo learns after only five minutes of walking. Mingyu is a very clingy drunk, so he won’t let go of Wonwoo for anything. He thought about giving the younger boy a piggy back ride, but decided against it since Mingyu is basically a giant. 

So here they are, with Mingyu clinging to Wonwoo’s neck while he’s dragging him through the street in the middle of the afternoon. 

After what it feels like a lifetime they finally make it to their flat and Wonwoo swears he’s about to die. How can a person as thin as a ing stick be so heavy? Jesus Christ. 

“Come on, let’s go to bed, you big baby,” and of course Mingyu has to give him that smile. The one that feels like home. The one that makes Wonwoo feel like he’s free falling, the one that makes Wonwoo fall in love a little bit more every time. 

“Wonwoo, have I said how much I like you? Because I do like you very much,” shut up, Kim Mingyu. Shut up shut up shut up! “You know I even asked the bartender if he thought I loved you and you know what he said?”

For someone this drunk he sure makes a very articulated speech, Wonwoo thinks. He wishes Mingyu was the kind of drunk that would just be dead to the world. 

“He said ‘you do sound pretty in love with this Wonwoo guy’,” he says trying his best to mimic the man’s voice. “And you know what? He’s right. Everyone’s been right the whole time. Isn’t it funny?”

Wonwoo can classify this as a lot of things, but funny isn’t one of them. 

Why is Mingyu saying these things? Why does he have to build up Wonwoo’s hope time and time again? 

When Wonwoo looks at Mingyu again the younger boy is already snoring and he wonders if he will remember anything of what he said when he wakes up. He puts a blanket over Mingyu and has to gather all of his strength not to kiss the younger’s head. 

 

 

 

It’s been a month after Mingyu drunkly confessed to Wonwoo and he hasn’t given any sign of remembering it, and every time Wonwoo wants to do something with Mingyu he always tells the older that he’s busy with uni work or that he already told Yerin he would spend time with her. 

And it’s fine, it’s not like he can really blame Mingyu for not remembering and it’s not like he can really blame Mingyu for being afraid.

He heard Mingyu saying to the bartender how he wished he could accept himself and it hand’t really clicked with Wonwoo until Mingyu confessed after they got home.

Wonwoo was lucky. He was born with a family that loves him and accepts him no matter what, a family that told him that no matter who he loved it didn’t change how much they loved him and how much they were proud of him when he told them, full of fear of being rejected, that he liked boys. 

Wonwoo knows that it’s not like that for everyone, he knows not everyone can accept themselves in a society where you constantly hear that you’re disgusting, that it’s a sin, that it’s just a phase, that you don’t belong if you’re not as society tells you to be. So he lets Mingyu ignore him, he lets Mingyu cast him aside because the last thing he wants is to make him uncomfortable.

 

 

 

Things could be going better for Mingyu, if he’s being honest. His relationship with Yerin is hung by a thread, he can see Yerin knows something is going on,  and his relationship with Wonwoo is nonexistent at the moment. They share a flat but they barely see each other and while Mingyu doesn’t make any sort of effort to make even a little bit of small talk with Wonwoo, the older of the two has stopped making any effort too and is always in his room, only goes out to go to classes, to eat or go to the bathroom.

As much as Mingyu swears to everyone and their mom that he’s not ignoring his best friend, the truth is that he remembers confessing to Wonwoo while drunk and he doesn’t want to face it. It was the first time he even said it out loud, and every time he looks at Wonwoo he just feels himself losing it. It never felt real when he kept to himself, when he pretended he didn’t feel anything for his best friend, but now, now that he said it out loud - to Wonwoo, of all people - he fears he won’t be able to stop himself from saying everything he’s been bottling up all this time.

 

“What do you think about getting everyone together?” Yerin asks him as he opens the door to his flat. “Scratch that, I already know your answer is no, so I invited everyone over.”

“Hmmm, why would you do that?”

“Well, you are obviously ignoring everyone else and I thought maybe a little get together would do everyone some good,” she says smiling and Mingyu doesn’t really have the heart to say no. “And babe, I know you feel embarrassed with what happened last time but no one cares.”

He knows she just wants him to feel better, but the truth is that everyone cares. She cares, he cares, everyone ing cares. 

He doesn’t want to face his friends, that know him better than anyone and see right through him. They always make those weird faces, as if telling him that it’s okay, that loving Wonwoo it’s okay. He hates those faces, he hates the speeches - that just won’t stop no matter how many times he says he doesn’t feel anything for Wonwoo -, and he hates the way he feels. 

“Are you okay, Mingyu?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ve just been a little stressed with some classes,” when did lying to everyone around him became such an usual thing? 

“Then this will do you some good. You push yourself too much with classes and studying. It’s good to have a break once in a while,” and she gives him a smile and he kisses her.

“Oh sorry,” Wonwoo says and Mingyu can see his ears turn red from embarrassment.

“You can stay, Wonwoo. We’re having a little get together like last time,” Yerin says getting up from the sofa and dragging him to sit down with them. “Well, hopefully not like last time. I think we could all go without another kiss.”

And she laughs. Wonwoo is glad she's not mad at him because he likes Yerin. She always made sure he didn’t feel left out when she and Mingyu were together in the flat, in fact Wonwoo and Yerin sometimes spend time on their own.

He’s pretty sure she knows he is in love with Mingyu, but she’s kind enough not to mention it. 

“No we wouldn’t,” and Wonwoo pretends he doesn’t hear the disgust in Mingyu’s tone.

“I guess we wouldn’t, specially when you’re such a lousy kisser,” Wonwoo offers in return. “I can’t believe Yerin has to put up with your lack of skill.”

He gets up and returns to his room because honestly a hang out is the last thing he wants. He just wants some peace and quiet and he’s not gonna get it in this house for the next few hours, so he grabs his things and heads out to the library. 

“Where are you going?” Yerin questions him. 

“To the library.”

 

As soon as Wonwoo closes the door Yerin gives Mingyu an annoyed look and smacks him in the head.

“That was unnecessary.” 

“It’s your fault he left. Did you have to be that rude? It’s not his fault that you kissed him and then you have to make it sound you were disgusted by it.”

Okay, maybe that was little unnecessary, but he needs to keep Wonwoo away from him. Away from this need to hugging him every second, the need to tell him he loves him, the need to kiss him, to touch him. Mingyu is going insane. Pretending is making him go insane. 

Yerin is about to say something when someone knocks on the door and Seokmin screams ‘open the door, love birds’. Why are their friends all so damn loud?

 

They all have a great time and no one mentions Wonwoo’s absence after Yerin tells them he’s at the library. Mingyu is thankful that they don’t mention the kiss or make little jokes about it either, even tho he see Jeonghan give him a weird look but he pretends he didn’t see it and Hansol has that guilty face whenever he looks at Mingyu. 

 

“So what if we play truth or dare?” Soonyoung suggests.

“God no!” Mingyu is the first to react and that has everyone laughing. “I think I had it with that game for the rest of my life.” 

Everyone laughs at that and he is surprised to find himself laughing with them. 

“Oh Mingyu, did you know that Jeonghan and Jisoo here have been banging?” Seungkwan says with a eating grin.

Mingyu laughs because he found out about it the day after, thanks to an over excited Jeonghan that shared more than Mingyu actually wanted to know. 

“I will ing kill you, Boo Seungkwan,” Jisoo threatens. “You better sleep with both of your eyes open from now on, you .”

 

They laugh and Jeonghan starts talking about how it was growing up with Mingyu and Seungcheol, and Yerin loves listening to stories of her boyfriend growing up. Even if they’ve be dating for almost a year he doesn’t really talk much about his life or his feelings, and sometimes it feels like they’re not even dating at all. 

At first she thought he wasn’t very good at talking about his feelings, and while that’s true, she knows that the reason Mingyu never really put in any sort of effort was because he never really liked her enough to be in a relationship. 

Sure, he says he loves her but he’s not in love with her. He never was. His heart always belonged to Wonwoo since the beginning, even if Mingyu pretends it doesn’t. 

 

Mingyu can’t stop thinking how nice this feels, and he makes a mental note to thank Yerin for this. 

But even though this feels nice and it’s been a while since he felt this relaxed, Mingyu can’t stop thinking about and noticing Wonwoo’s absence. The absence of the other boy’s laugh and the way he scrunches his nose when he does, the way he makes fun of Mingyu whenever he is slightly embarrassed with something, or the way he always makes sure to be by Mingyu’s side. 

 

 

 

Wonwoo can barely see what he’s reading anymore. 

He’s been in the library for hours and every time he thinks about getting back home he sees Mingyu’s face and remembers his disgusted tone earlier and changes his mind. 

He ends up spending the whole night in the library because he fell asleep between studying for his Portuguese exam and for his Korean Literature class.

When he goes back to the flat Mingyu is already gone and he just has time to take a shower before going to his first class. 

He can’t pay full attention to his professor talking because his neck hurts like a from having slept with his head on the table and all he can think about is Mingyu and is damn confession. 

Why couldn’t Mingyu be quiet? Why did he have to confess? 

Everything was easier when Wonwoo only wished Mingyu felt the same, because how are you supposed to ignore the person you’re in love with when you know they love you back? 

 

 

 

Mingyu had entertained countless of times the thought of confessing to Wonwoo, the thought of coming out, but every time he tried to do it the fear of being rejected and being left by everyone he loves always stops him.

It’s always been like this, Mingyu can’t remember a day when fear hadn’t had control over him. It was there when he wanted to tell his parents that he didn’t want to be a doctor like his dad, that he wanted to be an architect, it was there when after five months of knowing Wonwoo he wanted to tell him he liked him more than a friend, it was there when in 11th grade some bullies beat up the gay kid and he did nothing, standing in the shadows being consumed by the fear of something like this happening to him.  

He knows that dragging Yerin to this whole mess without her even knowing is wrong and selfish, but he guesses you have to be a little selfish if you want to make it in a society that wouldn’t think twice about leaving you behind because of whom you love.

He is taken away from his thought when his phone starts ringing, and he contemplates ignoring the call once he sees it’s his mom. 

“Yeah?”

“Is that how you answer a phone call from your mom whom you haven’t seen for six whole months?” he kind of misses his mom. He misses when he could tell her everything, when they went to the park and ate ice cream, or when they would have late movie nights when his dad worked the night shift at the hospital. “Anyway, are you coming home for the weekend?” 

Ah there it is, a new attempt to making go home again. 

“Is dad even thinking about apologizing about what he did or said?”

“Mingyu you know your dad,” and he can hear a hint of sadness in her voice. Much like Mingyu, his mother was always afraid of speaking her mind about what she really thought, afraid of what people might think of her. 

“I do, mom. But the way he treated Wonwoo was not okay, at all, and I’m sorry, I love you but I won’t go home until dad apologizes,” Mingyu had made that decision the moment he stormed off after Wonwoo six months ago.

He knows his mom doesn’t want to press further about it so she asks him about university, about Yerin and if he still draws. 

“No. You know I stopped a long time ago.”

“I was just hoping you had picked it up again,” his mom had always supported his idea of being an architect and his love for drawing, but he guesses, much like him, she never really had the guts to stand up to his dad or his family and the expectations they always had for Mingyu since a very young age. “Tell Wonwoo I send him a kiss and hope he’s doing well.”

“I will, mom.”

 

 

For the first time in a long while, when Wonwoo gets home Mingyu is there. Not only is he there but he is also alone, and for some reason that makes Wonwoo uneasy because they haven’t been alone in the same space for a while now. 

He was just going to go to his room without even saying something to the younger boy, but before he could sneak out Mingyu turned to him.

“Oh, you're home already. I didn’t hear the door,” oh he’s really talking to me. 

“Hmmm… Yeah,” steady response, well done, Jeon Wonwoo.  

“Oh by the way, my mom sent you a kiss.”

“Did she call to ask if you’re finally going home again?” Mingyu nods and before Wonwoo realizes he’s already next to Mingyu on their sofa.  “And are you going?”

“No. I stand by my word, I will not go back until he apologizes for the way he treated you,” it shouldn’t but hearing this makes Wonwoo smile a little.

He remembers that day quite well, it’s kind of hard not to remember the day when your best friend’s father kicks you out of their house because you’re gay.

 

~

 

Mingyu had begged Wonwoo to go with him see his family for the weekend because apparently he had talked his mom’s hear off about Wonwoo - even if Mingyu denies it. After a lot of begging and a lot of promises that Mingyu would buy Wonwoo his favourite ice cream for two months, he agreed. 

Wonwoo would’ve said yes anyway, he just thought it would be funny to play with Mingyu a little. 

They arrived Friday afternoon and Mingyu’s mom was the nicest since the moment he met her, reminding him a lot of his own mother, Mingyu’s father, on the other hand, was a completely different story. The man didn’t seem very fond of Wonwoo for some reason (maybe it was because he and Mingyu were very touchy with each other, often forgetting what personal space is), he reminded Wonwoo of a rock that talked from time to time, if he’s being completely honest.

But the weekend was going fine, and Wonwoo thanked every God he doesn’t believe in that Mr. Kim worked the whole time, it made Wonwoo feel more comfortable around the house and he didn’t feel like he was being judged every damn second. 

Of course everything went to Sunday during lunch before Mingyu and Wonwoo had to go. 

“So Wonwoo, do you have a girlfriend?” he didn’t even look at Wonwoo as he made the question and now Wonwoo felt himself sweating. 

“Hmmm, I don’t have one, Sir,” and why was he so nervous at the thought of Mingyu’s dad finding out he was gay? Mingyu’s mom already knew and he didn’t feel like this when they talked about it, in fact she was very supportive, after she had asked Wonwoo if he was Mingyu’s boyfriend (which made the two of them choke on their ice creams). 

“And why not? Too busy studying?” he’s tone is completely void of any sort of interest and he still doesn’t spare a single look at Wonwoo. 

“No, I’m just not into girls,” and the whole table fell silent. Mingyu looked like he was about to have a heart attack and Mr. Kim looked at him for the first time during the whole lunch.

“Well Mingyu,” he turns to his son. “You could’ve told us you were bringing home a , then I wouldn’t have wasted my time here.” 

“I’m sorry bu—,” but Mr. Kim doesn’t even let him finish. 

“If you could please get up and leave my house I would be thankful,” Wonwoo’s heart dropped to his stomach as he heard the man talk. “And if you could please stop being around my son I would appreciate that, the last thing I need is my son becoming a for being around someone like you.”

Wonwoo was frozen. He could only feel his panic grow as he looked at Mingyu, who was as shocked as him. 

All he could do was get up and grab his things before running out of the house. This was the first time something like this had ever happened to him, because while he was out to his whole family and close friends during high school, he never dared being completely out  fearing things like this, or even worse, would happen. In university, well, no one really payed him enough attention anyways, so he’s not really afraid of being himself. 

“Wonwoo! Wonwoo, wait,” when he turns around he sees Mingyu running to him with his own stuff. 

“Please, don’t cry,” and Wonwoo hadn’t even realized he had been crying the whole time. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Mingyu,” and hugs Mingyu tighter.

“Hey, look at me,” and he grabs Wonwoo’s chin gently and makes the older boy face him. “You have nothing to be sorry for. My dad’s an and I should’ve expected that. Never be sorry for being who you are.”

 

~

 

“You know, you don't need to do that,” without even thinking he grabs Mingyu’s hands and caresses them. “What’s done it’s done, and we both know your dad's never apologizing to me anyway.” 

“Of course I need! He needs to learn that he can't treat people like that just because he lacks basic human decency.”

Wonwoo is thankful for Mingyu as a friend and for standing up to his father, but right now it hurts him seeing Mingyu talking to him like this when he knows the younger boy is hurting, it makes him mad that Mingyu’s father is part of the problem, is part of the reason Mingyu hates himself.

“Thank you,” and Wonwoo realizes that he’s still holding Mingyu's hands. “I know it's been weird between us these days but just know that you can talk to me about whatever, right? I’ll always be here for you.” 

He gets up and goes to his room, but before he reaches the door he feels Mingyu hugging him from behind and putting his head on his shoulder, and the younger lets a tiny little sob escape.

“I’m so sorry, Wonwoo. I’m so sorry,” and he just holds the older boy really tight. “I’m sorry for making you think I’m disgusted with our kiss and for ignoring you. I’m very proud of who you are.”

They stayed like that for a while, with Mingyu silently crying and Wonwoo his hands gently.  This was the first time in the three years they’ve known each other that Wonwoo has ever seen Mingyu break down, and it’s breaking his heart into a million pieces. Wonwoo lets him cry for as long as he needs to, he knows better than to just talk to him right now, one wrong word and Mingyu would just close himself up again. 

“I wanted to tell you all this time,” Mingyu starts, and his voice is barely louder than a whisper. “I’ve been itching to tell you for the last two years and a half you know? But I was afraid, I’ve always been so afraid.”

Mingyu takes a deep breath and Wonwoo doesn’t know what to expect next, all he knows is that right now his heart is racing like mad. 

“Can you imagine what would happen if people knew that Mingyu, top of every class, future doctor, was in love with a boy? Can you imagine what my father would do to me? He would throw me out, he would make sure no one would hire his of a son.”

Wonwoo turns so that he’s now facing Mingyu and the younger is a mess. His eyes are puffy and red and his lower lip is trembling. 

Wonwoo grabs his face a wipes the tears away with his thumb, placing a soft kiss on his eyelids.

“Don’t talk about yourself like that, Mingyu,” he pushes the younger down so they can be sat on the floor, each of their legs beside their torsos.

“But that’s what I am at my father eyes, isn’t it? That’s what we both are. People society deems disgusting and sinful, dirty. How is it fair that people get to tell us who we should love? What gender is acceptable for us to love? How is my love for you dirty, sinful, disgusting?”

“It’s not. It’s not, Mingyu,” and Wonwoo can feel his own tears falling down his face as he chokes out the words. 

“Since I met you that I’ve been learning to love who I am. I’m trying so hard, Wonwoo, so hard,” Mingyu says as he looks down and starts drawing circles with his finger on Wonwoo’s palm. “But I’m so afraid. I’m afraid people will cast me aside, I’m afraid someone will beat me up like they did to that kid in 11th grade and I didn’t do nothing because I was afraid they would do the same to me.”

He takes a deep breath and looks at Wonwoo. 

“I just wanna be able to say that I love you without feeling guilty, without feeling dirty. I wanna be able to love you in public, to marry you, to have a family, to accept myself. I just wanna be happy, Wonwoo. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore because I feel like I’m suffocating all the time.”

“Hey, look at me,” Wonwoo takes a moment to look at the boy he loves so much, and he is so broken and all Wonwoo wants to do is take him away from everything and let him be happy, away from all the pain. “It’s not easy, but I want you to know that I’m here for you know matter what. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you if you want to come out or even if you don’t, I’m here to kick the of anyone that treats you any different just because you decide to be yourself. Most of all I’m here to love you for who you are, for who you decide to be for the sake of your wellbeing - even if that means pretending you don’t love me.”

He caresses Mingyu’s face and gives him a soft smile. 

And then Mingyu is hugging him tight, so tight, again and still crying, as Wonwoo repeats ‘it’s going to be okay’ and rubs circles on the boy’s back. 

 

When Wonwoo wakes up the morning sun is kissing Mingyu’s skin in the prettiest way and all he can do is smile. The younger boy looks so peaceful like this, so far from the broken boy he is right now. 

He reaches to grab his phone and capture the moment.  

Last night he had convinced Mingyu that taking a day off from classes wouldn’t kill him and that he, more than anyone one, needed a day or two to just rest. 

He gets up and opens the fridge just to be reminded that they have nothing to eat for breakfast, so he writes a post it telling Mingyu he went out to buy some stuff and sticks it to the boy’s forehead.

While he’s at the store he buys Mingyu’s favourite everything, and he knows it’s not gonna fix anything but at least he knows it will make the boy a little bit happier. 

He thinks back to what happened the day before as he walks home and he never thought Mingyu could love him back, but most of all he never thought the bubbly, over excited Kim Mingyu could be so broken inside. If it was up to him he would rather have Mingyu not love him back if that meant the other boy could happy. 

When he opens the door  Mingyu is sat on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around him. 

“What took you so long? My stomach is almost eating itself.”

“Well I was buying all your favorites, so please don’t be an ungrateful brat.”

“Really?” He asks smiling and Wonwoo nods. “Are you doing banana pancakes with chocolate chips?” 

Mingyu is beaming like a little kid on Christmas day and Wonwoo realizes that this is really what makes him happy, this is everything that really matters. 

Wonwoo hates chocolate chips and Mingyu knows that because he’s always complaining that Mingyu buys everything that has chocolate chips in it ‘and I can’t eat anything that you buy, please Mingyu, work with me here’, so he appreciates Wonwoo making this for him. 

 

They talk a lot over breakfast but manage to avoid talking about what happened last night; Wonwoo because he doesn’t want to pressure or upset the other boy, and Mingyu because he feels embarrassed. 

People knock at their door but they just pretend their not in and stay the whole day watching movies and playing games. Games Wonwoo keeps losing on purpose so Mingyu won’t be upset, because he knows the younger is sore loser. 

“Stop losing on purpose, Jeon,” Mingyu says trying to sound upset but Wonwoo can see him smiling. 

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just that good, really,” and Mingyu smacks him on the arm. 

“Do not make fun of my lack of ability to play video games.”

“I’m not. You are really good, I can’t believe I won all those times. Pfft, can you believe it?”

Two seconds later Mingyu is on top of Wonwoo tickling him to death. Wonwoo has tears in his eyes and pleads over and over again for Mingyu to stop, which just makes the younger tickle him even more. 

“Alright, I’m stoping, but only because I’m afraid you’ll die on me, old man,” and he gives Wonwoo a little smirk. 

“Who are you calling an old man, you little ?” He says hitting Mingyu with a pillow. “You are one year younger than me, that’s nothing.”

This feels good, Mingyu thinks. It’s been a while since they were this relaxed on each others presence, and Mingyu knows that he’s the one to blame for that. He ruined it with that kiss. 

Since that day that the little façade that he had built was cracking each passing day and he didn’t know how to deal with it, but at least he had Wonwoo by his side. 

 

It’s night time by the time Wonwoo decides it’s better for the both of them if they talk about what happened last night. 

“Mingyu,” the younger boy looks up at Wonwoo from where he’s sat on the floor. “I think we should talk about yesterday.”

“I know,” and he stops looking at the older boy.

They stay silent for a while before Mingyu gets up from the floor and sits next to Wonwoo on the sofa. 

“Wonwoo, I love you,” Wonwoo feels his heart start racing because even though he knows the younger boy loves him, it still feels a little bit unreal every time he hears it. “There’s no way I can deny this anymore, but I’m not ready for a relationship with another man and I don’t know if I ever will.”

Mingyu is avoiding eye contact with Wonwoo, and he knows this is hard for him. He knows how much he is hurting and even thought it breaks his heart to hear Mingyu say this, he can’t be mad. He does not have the right to. 

“It’s okay,” Wonwoo says as he caresses Mingyu’s face. 

“I know I’m hurting you, I know that, but I’m not ready. I want to, for you but—,”

“Look at me. You come first, always. I don’t want you to be ready for me, you have to do this for yourself and yourself only. Forget about me, forget about everyone else. Do it for your own happiness and wellbeing.”

Mingyu nods at everything he's saying.

“I’ll wait until you’re ready, and if that moment never comes I’ll still be by your side. I love you, Mingyu,” and Wonwoo feels so free being able to finally say this out loud. “And I meant it when I said yesterday that I’ll be by your side even if it means you decide to pretend you don’t love me. All I want is for you to be happy.”

But I can’t be happy if I’m not by your side, if I’m not free, Mingyu wants to say.

“Remember what you told me after you’re father kicked me out of your house?” Mingyu nods. “That’s all you need to remember; that you have nothing to be sorry for and that I am so so proud of the person you are.”

They lay on the sofa and stay like that until Yerin calls Mingyu, and that’s when he remembers that he hasn’t said anything to her the whole day. 

He goes to his room and stays there for the rest of the night and Wonwoo can hear laughs and ‘I love yous’ coming from Mingyu’s mouth and he tries his best not to cry, not to feel jealous, but in the end he is only human.

He goes to his room and cries. He cries for Mingyu and how unfair this whole situation is to him, and he cries because he loves this boy so much but he knows they will never be together  because sometimes there are things that were never meant to be in the first place.

Wonwoo thinks it’s a pretty ty world they live in, but at least he got to meet Kim Mingyu and that no one can’t take away from him. 

 

 

 

Wonwoo and Mingyu continue as if nothing had happened and everyone’s just happy they talked it out and there’s no awkward tension anymore. No one asks questions as to why Mingyu seems a little more quiet than usual and whenever they try he brushes them off telling them it’s just his classes, and no one seems to see through his little white lies. No one except Seungcheol, but he always seems to know something’s up with his friends even before they know it themselves.

 

“Hey Mingyu, are you really sure everything is alright with you?” he asks after they come out of that art class Mingyu’s dad has no idea he’s taking. 

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“It’s not just that you’ve been quieter than usual, but your relationship with Wonwoo,” Mingyu has no idea where he’s going with this but he’s not sure he likes it. “It changed. You seem closer, like you two have something no one knows about.”

Of course.

“I’m not cheating on Yerin with Wonwoo, if that’s what you’re implying,” Mingyu spits the words out if more anger than necessary. “You’ve know me since we where kids, how could you even think I would do something like that?”

“It’s because I’ve known you for so long that I’m asking you. Don’t you think I haven’t noticed the subtle touches between you two? Or the way you look at him?” Mingyu bites is lip because he hadn’t even noticed they’d been doing those things. “Something changed between you two and I just wanna make sure you’re not doing anything stupid.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not cheating, I promise you I’m not. I’d never do that to Yerin,” even if it feels like he’s cheating every time he and Wonwoo hold hands when they are alone at home, or that they now sleep in the same bed because Mingyu can’t stand being alone at night, or every time Mingyu says ‘I love you’ to Wonwoo just because he feels like it. “Me and Wonwoo just had an honest conversation and I guess that brought us close together.”

Seungcheol nods, there’s really no reason for him to doubt Mingyu’s words but there’s something that still seems off about this. He decides not to push it and just forget about it.

 

 

 

When he gets home he is quite surprised to see his mom chatting with Wonwoo at the kitchen table over some tea and some chocolate chip cookies Wonwoo and Mingyu had made the night before because Mingyu was too stressed over a few classes.

“Mom,” he says has she embraces him in a tight hug. Oh how he missed his mom. “I’m sorry for not going home.”

He keeps apologizing and he figures it’s getting quite annoying. 

“I can’t really blame you, can I?” and Mingyu can hear the same sad tone in her voice like that time when he had told her he had a crush on his roommate and she told him it was going to be okay. The tone that says she feels guilty about everything Mingyu has been going through. “But please let’s not talk about what happened. How’s everything  going? How’s Yerin?” 

Mingyu looks briefly at Wonwoo and can see the boy tight the grip on his mug at the mention of Yerin. 

“Everything’s going fine. Me and Yerin are great, I think dad will love her, mom,” he starts. “She so beautiful, and more than that she’s so incredibly smart.”

“Go figure why she’s with someone like Mingyu,” Wonwoo jokes and smiles to the both of them, but his smile doesn’t really reach his eyes.

“Shut up, old man,” Mingyu says back, smiling to the older boy that now gives him a smile that is genuine and makes Mingyu’s heart race. “As I was saying before I was interrupted by a fossil, I think this relationship is gonna last mom. I really love her and I can honestly see us lasting for a long time.”

He hears something crashing and when he looks in Wonwoo’s direction he sees that the boy let the mug fall on the floor. He can see the tears forming in Wonwoo’s eyes and he curses himself because he just keeps hurting the other boy no matter what he does. 

“I’m sorry. I… Hmmm… Sorry,” it’s all Wonwoo can really say because if he tries something more elaborated he might start crying. He gets up, cleans the mess he made and leaves for his room. 

 

 

Wonwoo doesn’t hear Mrs. Kim leaving but he hears Mingyu opening the door to his room and sliding into bed with him and whispering a soft ‘I’m sorry’, planting a kiss on top of his head while Wonwoo pretends he’s asleep.

“I’m sorry. I promise one day I’ll make it right by you,” he whispers and Wonwoo doesn’t know what the other boy means by that, but his starts racing a little and he kinda of hates it. 

 

 

After that night Mingyu and Wonwoo haven’t seen each other much because Mingyu’s been a recluse at the library studying for his exams at the end of the first semester, and Wonwoo is thankful because he really needs some space or else he might explode. 

 

Wonwoo is on his last year. He should’ve finished his degree by now, but before going to university he thought he should take a year to work and help his parents with the expenses. He’s glad he did it, because if he hadn’t he would’ve never met Mingyu.

He remembers the day he they met as if it were today. He often replays it in his head when he’s in bed half asleep.

He remembers how he woke up from his nap to find his new roommate on his bed, in all his beautiful glory reading Les Misérables. He remembers laughing and how Mingyu looked at him, and Wonwoo remembers stopping breathing for a moment because ‘Holy mother of God on a cracker, my roommate is the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen’. 

 

~

 

“Wow am I that good looking?” he’s new roommate says with a stupid smirk on his face.

“I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

His new roommate nods, still with the same stupid smirk on his face and Wonwoo really wants to kiss it away. Yes, he’s that attractive. 

“I’m Mingyu, by the way.”

“Wonwoo.” 

They stay quite for a while until Mingyu decides to speak again. 

“Wonwoo, what are you studying?”

“Portuguese and Korean literature,” and he sees Mingyu making a face. He guesses a lot of people will find that pretty boring. “What about you, pretty boy?” 

“Pretty boy here is going to be a doctor,” for some reason his roommate doesn’t sound very happy about it.

“Well, you do look pretentious enough to be one.”

“Just like you look boring enough to be taking literature and languages,” Mingyu says giving him the most beautiful and bright smile. 

“Touché.” 

 

After that they got to know each other. Mingyu told him how everyone in his family was pretty excited that he’s now a medical student or how he loves anything with chocolate chips, to each Wonwoo makes the most disgusted face at. 

Wonwoo talks about how he should’ve started university the year before but decided to take a year to work and just experience life in general.

“You don’t really look older than me.”

“It’s just a year, it’s not like I’m ten years older than you.”

They talked about their families and their friends, what they were expecting university life to be like, childhood memories, and Wonwoo felt so incredibly at home. 

 

~

 

“Why did I think Portuguese was a good idea?” Wonwoo says, cursing Portuguese grammar because ‘why is it so difficult? ing ’, but his rant is interrupted by a knock on the door and he can’t imagine who can possibly be because every single one of his friends are studying like crazy for the exams at the end of the first semester. 

It’s safe to say he’s pretty surprised when he sees Yerin on his doorstep looking like she hasn't slept in days. 

“You look like , Yerin.”

“Thank you. You’re not looking that great either, grandpa,” she offers. 

“You clearly spend to much time with your idiot of a boyfriend, but please come into our lovely home.”

They both sit at the kitchen table and Wonwoo makes Yerin a cup of tea because he knows she hates coffee. They stay in silence for a while and Yerin looks like she wants to say something but she doesn’t know how. 

“I know,” she finally says and that makes Wonwoo pretty confused at first but then he realizes what she’s talking about. “I know Mingyu loves you. I also know you’re in love with him.”

Right now Wonwoo can’t even look at her because he can’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes. He can’t bear to see the misery he helped cause, that he is partially to blame for the hurt Yerin is feeling. 

“I always kind of knew Mingyu didn’t love me like that. Even though he tried he never really cared for me as he cared for you, his face never lighted up at the mention on my name like it does every time he sees you or every time he hears your name,” she stops to take a sip of her tea. “It doesn’t really take a genius to see how much you love Mingyu. When I started dating Mingyu I hated you so much. I hated you because no matter what I did I could never seem to have the effect you had on him, I could never make Mingyu smile the way he does when he sees you, and I hated you the most because you stole Mingyu’s heart and you didn’t even realized it.” 

Wonwoo finally finds the courage to look at the girl in front of him and he feels so guilty, like everything it’s his fault. At this point it feels like he came into to Mingyu’s life to ruin it, to make him and everyone else suffer. 

“I did try to pretend I couldn’t see what was in front of my eyes, but it gets pretty hard when once in a while when you’re having your boyfriend says his best friend’s name instead of yours, our when he mumbles your name when he sleeps, our how he cried after we had the first time.”

And Wonwoo doesn’t know what to say or what to do because what are you supposed to say to something like this? I’m sorry your boyfriend is in love with me? I’m sorry we’ve been holding hands and saying I love you's behind your back? I’m sorry we are the reason you are hurting like this? 

“Yerin, I’m—“ 

“Please don’t say you’re sorry,” and he can hear the anger in her voice. “No matter how mad and hurt I am at all of this there is no way I can blame you for this. You didn’t choose to fall in love with Mingyu, just like I didn’t choose it either. Love is a funny thing isn’t it? It can make you the feel happiest and luckiest person on earth or it can break you to pieces and make you wish you never knew what love is the first place.” 

She gets up, but before she leaves she looks at Wonwoo again. 

“I’m breaking up with him. I can’t do it anymore. It kills me being with someone I know will never love me back,” after that she leaves and Wonwoo can’t really hold his tears anymore.

 

When Mingyu finally gets home after two days of studying in the library and crashing at Yerin’s, he finds Wonwoo asleep on their sofa cuddling the pink stuffed bunny Mingyu won for him that one time they went to the fair. 

The truth is he had been trying to give Wonwoo some space, he felt like these days all he did was hurt the other boy without even meaning to. 

He runs his fingers through Wonwoo’s hair and places a kiss on top of his head. Now that he knows what it feels to be loved back by the person you love the most in the world he can’t stop wanting more and more and more. 

Before his confession it was easy not to think about Wonwoo’s touch, about the way he smells like chocolate when he lays next to Mingyu after a shower, about the way their hands fit together, or his smile when Mingyu says he loves him. 

How long will he be able to pretend? How long will he let his father dictate is life? 

It all comes down to his father, to wanting to please him. He stopped drawing because he thought it was useless and it took time away from Mingyu’s studying, he stopped crying in front of his father because he told him that men don’t cry, he stopped himself from loving for so long because his father told him that two men together was a sin, it was disgusting and no son of his was ‘going to be a ing little ’. 

But then Wonwoo came along all smiles and a loud laughs, breaking through Mingyu’s walls and making the younger boy fall in love without even realizing it. He told him that his art mattered, that being able to draw and paint and make people feel through his art is a beautiful talent, that he was allowed to cry and to feel because he was human, that he was allowed to love a man because that didn't made him less of a person. He taught Mingyu that no matter who you love, no matter who you are, your feelings are valid, your life means something, that he deserves to be happy even if he is in love with a boy.

Mingyu knows he has nothing to be ashamed of, he knows that what he feels is not wrong, dirty or disgusting, but every time he tries to say it out loud to anyone that is not Wonwoo he feels himself suffocating and he can’t do it, he can’t bear the thought of other people thinking he’s disgusting, thinking that he is what’s wrong with the world. 

 

He feels a hand touch his face and when he looks down Wonwoo is looking at him. Wonwoo looks so small and so fragile and Mingyu can’t really stop himself from kissing him and there it is, the feeling of home, the felling of belonging. 

Kissing Wonwoo always feels like coming to the warmth of your home after a cold day, like eating your favourite ice cream on a warm summer day. It feels right and it makes Mingyu never want to leave Wonwoo’s embrace. 

“I missed you,” is all Mingyu says when they break the kiss and Wonwoo caresses his face with his thumb. 

Wonwoo wonders if he should tell Mingyu about Yerin’s visit, about what she said. He figures he should because he knows the moment Yerin breaks up with him he is going to panic and think everyone will find out about him. 

“Yerin was here earlier,” he starts.

“Really? Doing what?” 

Wonwoo takes a deep breath before talking again. “She came to tell me that she knows. She knows that you love me and she knows that I love you.”

Mingyu stands up abruptly and Wonwoo sits on the sofa and looks up at the younger boy.

“She also said that she was going to break up with you because she can no longer be with someone who doesn’t love her back.”

Mingyu rubs his hands on his face while he mumbles repeatedly ‘no no no no’ and seconds later he’s out of the door, leaving Wonwoo to wonder how much longer the both of them can take.

Wonwoo thinks how unfair this whole thing is on them, Mingyu is 19 and he is 20, how is it fair that they are suffering like this just for loving each other. 

 

 

 

“Are you really breaking up with me?” He asks as soon as Yerin opens the door. 

“I should’ve known Wonwoo was going to tell you,” she says as she lets him in inside the house. 

She sits on her sofa but Mingyu refuses to do it, he’s too anxious. His whole lie, the image he so carefully built for himself is crumbling down. 

“You can’t do that. You… You can’t, you can’t,” he takes a deep breath because he feels like he’s drowning over and over again. 

“I can’t do that?” She gives him an empty laugh. “I’m in love with someone who never loved me back. I’m a toy in your little ‘let’s pretend I’m straight’ game, Mingyu. You’re selfish! And I’m a dumb girl for thinking I could make you love me, that if I tried hard enough you could see how good we are together, that if I pretended enough I could believe you loved me back.”

“But the truth is that you love Wonwoo. You loved Wonwoo when you asked me to be your girlfriend and you love Wonwoo now.”

How has his life become this messy in the space of two months? Before the god damn kiss in October his life had been perfect, as perfect as it can be when you’re a closeted gay guy, but then Hansol made that stupid question and Mingyu stupidly kissed Wonwoo and the lie he had so carefully built started to crumble down. Worse than all of that was hurting the people he loved, people who had nothing to do with his hatred for himself, with the hate he feels for his dad for making him feel like this, the hate he feels for this society that thinks they can dictate who is right for you to love and if you don’t follow that pattern you can be lucky and people won’t give a , or you can be extremely unlucky and your life will pretty much end. 

“Yerin please—“ 

“I’m done, Mingyu,” she yells and Mingyu flinches because he never saw Yerin this angry. “I’m done. I’m done with listening to your monologues about how great Wonwoo is, I’m done having to hear you moan Wonwoo’s name when he have , I’m done being the main toy in this lie you’ve built for yourself.”

She approaches Mingyu and looks him in the eyes, all traces of anger replaced by a soft look that makes Mingyu’s hear clench. “I hear you cry every time we do it when you think I’m sleeping. I hear every word you say.”

“I’m so sorry, Yerin,” before he knows it he’s on his knees sobbing and with Yerin by his side rubbing small circles on his back. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I love you, I swear I do but—“

“You were never in love with me,” she says with a small voice. “You gave your heart away long before I walked into your life, and maybe it’s time you let yourself be happy for once.”

 

 

 

Wonwoo waits for Mingyu to come home. He waits and waits and waits, but Mingyu never comes. It’s 8am and there’s no sign of him and Wonwoo starts to worry because he knows that there is no way Yerin would’ve taken Mingyu back, no matter what the other boy had to say. What if he did something stupid? 

He calls Mingyu, he leaves messages but all of them go unanswered. He starts calling all of their friends and no one as heard of him, it’s when he calls Minghao that he finally finds out where his best friend has been. 

“Yeah, he’s here but right now he is dead to the world on my sofa,” Wonwoo is surprised because Mingyu and Minghao were never particularly close, in fact Mingyu is not close with anyone except Jeonghan, Seungcheol and Wonwoo.

“Thank God,” a wave of relief goes through Wonwoo’s body. “Please tell him to call me or send me a text when he wakes up, okay?”

“I will. And Wonwoo, don’t worry yourself too much, okay?” Wonwoo always forgets how caring Minghao actually is, maybe it’s because he never talks much. 

“I won’t. Please take care of him.”

 

“So, are you telling me why I just lied to your best friend?” Minghao questions Mingyu.

The tall boy just shrugs and doesn’t say nothing. 

“You don’t wanna talk about it?” Mingyu shakes his head. “Talking is not what they make it out to be anyways.”

That makes Mingyu smile a little and Minghao is glad because he’s not really used to see him like this. 

They spend the whole morning playing board games, which is very funny because looking at Minghao he would’ve never thought that he like these type of games. They order some pizza and talk about the weather, their classes, the night outs Mingyu and Wonwoo have been ditching.

“Yerin broke up with me,” Mingyu says casually after biting into his slice of pizza.

“Now it makes sense that you would be like this,” and Mingyu doesn’t blame his friend for not even noticing that it’s not that what’s upsetting him and making him feel like . They were never really close, and that’s one of the reasons Mingyu decided to come here instead of going home were Wonwoo was. 

 

 

He leaves after a while and is at a loss at where he should go next, all he knows is that he doesn’t want to go home, he doesn’t want to look at Wonwoo’s face and be reminded of the hurt he is causing. 

So he goes to Seungcheol. When he gets there all he can do is hug his childhood friend as soon as he opens the door.

“Hey, what going on?”

“I screwed up. I screwed up big time.”

He tells Seungcheol everything. How he never really loved Yerin, how he just started dating her to please his father, how she broke up with him and he was more upset over what his father would think than the fact that he was being dumped. 

“But your father never got to meet her did he?”

“Of course not, he was always busy with work. But it’s knowing that his son, future doctor, top of all classes, has a girlfriend that matches his status. That’s what matters to my dad, he doesn’t give two s about anything else.”

Seungcheol knows there’s more to it than what Mingyu is telling him but he decides not to push it because that will only make worse. 

 

 

When Mingyu gets home later he makes sure Wonwoo isn’t there. 

He doesn’t know what to do, so he does what he always has done best and runs away. He runs away because he can’t deal with hurting the people he loves further and further, he runs away because being here will only suffocate him to the point where he won’t be able to take it anymore. 

He grabs some of his clothes and throws them into his bag and leaves the flat he shares with Wonwoo without looking back. 

 

 

When Wonwoo gets home all he finds is a post it with ‘sorry’ written on it and he knows. He knows that Mingyu left him for good, he knows that he probably won’t see the boy he loves again. 

He was ready for an outcome like this, he swears he was, but that doesn’t stop him from crying his heart out.