Jiyong's POV

When the club door closed behind me, I sighed loudly in relief. It felt as though a pressure I didn’t know was in me was lifted the very moment when the club’s music was muffled by the distance I was putting between it and me. It’s akin to the reprieve I feel when I finally step out of the studio after holing in there a long time to finish a song. I felt freer, my mind clearer than it had been the entire evening. I still feel like there was a dead weight in my chest and the urge to cry was still present, but breathing the fresher air outside the club made everything a tinge better.

I signalled my driver as I walked to my car, smiling and pretending as though I just had a great night, and trying to make it seem as though I was unaware of the flashing bulbs that was making the paparazzi’s presence around me known. If questioned about my early departure, I could always say that I lacked sleep and had to head home early. The circles around my eyes would attest to that anyway, giving a smidge of truth in that lie. Lies were part and parcel of our trade, and I’d become an expert at it.

When the car door closed behind me, I stopped smiling and allowed my face to resume its normal expression. I cherished these moments when I could finally let what I was really feeling show in my face. Unfortunately, these only came at times when I was truly and utterly alone. It seems life requires to choose between loneliness or keeping up the pretenses. The first one was depressing and the second one was exhausting. Both I had to experience anyway.

My driver doesn’t acknowledge my presence, nor I his. He already knows that when I don’t talk to him, he should just assume that we’re going home.

I sit in absolute silence as my driver sped away from the chasing paparazzis, contemplating about what to do next. For all my lip-talk to the members about having friends outside of Bigbang, there’s honestly no one to whom I can really open up about my feelings right now except them. Mostly because only a few people knew Seungri and I have been together in the first place. The members would have been the perfect choice, bound to secrecy not only by the friendship we had but because their careers were as much at stake as ours were. But they were too close to both Seungri and I to give their support fully and only to me and I know at the end of the day they’d try to find the middle ground between us. If I tell them how angry I was at Seungri tonight, I wasn’t sure if they were going to be totally sympathetic towards me or they’ll somehow try to rationalize the Maknae’s unintended actions. And both of them are reactions that I really didn’t need right now. What I needed was someone to listen to me, to fully agree with me and to comfort me in the process, even if it means they had to curse Seungri for me too. And even if by some miracle our members did that, I would just be consumed by guilt if they ended up hating Ri. They weren’t in love with Seungri, but I was. No matter what RI did, I couldn’t ever end up hating him. But I couldn’t live with myself if I made somebody who should be loving Seungri hate him because of me. So no, it’s best to not really talk to the members about how I felt right now.

I breathe out a sign of dread. If I go home tonight, I’ll probably end up drinking alone and crying. Although it might give me a temporary recluse from the depressing thoughts of Seungri and Jonghoon, everything will just be as real tomorrow, although it would be doubled then, because not only will I be emotionally hurting, I’d be nursing a severe hangover with all of the nasty side effects of being drunk. But if I don’t drink tonight, I might get lost in all my depressing thoughts and emotions that I might end up even doing something worse than just drinking myself to sleep. So getting myself dead drunk is the lesser evil right?

I couldn’t help but let out a snort. I could feel my driver’s questioning glance but I did not acknowledge it. How pathetic was I that I was now rationalizing getting myself intoxicated? Have I really sunk this low that my only options were emptying out an entire bottle of alcohol or doing myself harm which I will forever regret?

My thoughts were broken when the sound of my Instagram notification filled out the silence of the car. Normally I would have ignored it, my interest in my SNS sites having significantly waned since my private account was hacked and leaked. But I was so desperate for a distraction that anything even minutely appealing will call my attention now. So I took out my phone and opened it, opening the notification, not even caring who the update was from. It was Soonhoc and… Oh. The universe really was playing with me tonight. Of course, Soonhoc had to be with Seungri and his friends. I swallowed the bile that rose up in my throat as I stared at Seungri. He was surrounded with his friends looking as happy as he ever was. He had David on his left, Soonhoc on his front, and Jonghoon on his right. Seungri had his hands raised up high as though in victory, while Jonghoon had his arms around Ri’s waist and the other guy on his right, Jung Joon-Young, the other idol in their group,. I should have expected this, as they were almost inseparable the entire night, but I still couldn’t stop the flare of jealousy and hurt from rising up within me. Seungri was so freaking happy while I was here, drowning in misery. He was surrounded by people who adored and love him, while I sat alone with no one even to just talk to. this. Life was really unfair.

I aggressively pushed on the screen to close down the application but I might have been too forceful as the contents started scrolling down instead. Just when I was to get more pissed at the universe, the screen suddenly stopped at a picture with the caption: “Back in Seoul es!”.

So she’s here. Perfect. Something was finally going my way tonight. I hurriedly gave out her address to the driver as I dialled the number of the person in the picture.

“Can I come to your place?”, I asked the second the ringing stopped and I knew that the call connected.

“Really Jiyong? Can’t you disturb someone else?”, she grumbled, her voice really raspy probably from sleep. I keep silent knowing that she’ll eventually give in to my whim. A few seconds of silence later she said: “Fine. I need to give you Chaerin’s presents anyway”. Upon ending the call, I smiled my first genuine smile tonight.

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“To what do I owe the honor?”, Soojoo said with a sarcastic tone as she opened the door to let me in. She was wearing pajamas and her hair was in disarray, showing that I really disturbed her when she was already sleeping. I don’t know why, but that fact made everything funnier in my head. I would have laughed out loud if only I wasn’t so tired. Now that I think about it, it’s not that funny, but I guess when you’re hurting, you want others to be even just be a little bit annoyed too. Goes to show how sometimes I can be just so petty.

“Shut up. And give me my presents!”, I mumbled at her as I was taking off my shoes.

She shot me an annoyed look and gestured to me to follow her in her house. When we reached the living room area, she pointed at her sofa while she left me. I took it that she meant that I should wait for her there and plopped myself in her gigantic couch. Bored, I started looking at the contents of her house, impressed that everything was so well-put together. The art pieces and the furniture, and the combination of the colors in her walls, were things I could have used on my own home. It never ceases to amaze me how similar mine and Soojoo’s tastes and styles were.

The only other person who really had the same preference as I did in fashion and art was Chaerin, and I felt like I lost my bestfriend when she suddenly spent most of her time abroad to work on her US debut. Even my sister Dami and I had widely differing opinions on a variety of things and clashed often when it came to them. Maybe that’s why I have always felt a lot closer to Chaerin more than her. I still loved Dami of course; one can never choose their family, and one can never not love their family, especially if they treat you well and you had a whole lifetime’s worth of memories with them. But our similarities and the bond that resulted because of that caused me to regard Chaerin more as my sister. Dami was my blood sister, Chaerin was something like my soul-sister, as cliché as it may sound.

I would always be grateful for that Vogue photoshoot when Soojoo was introduced to me. It’s not like she was a replacement for Chaerin, but rather, it felt like I found another person who could also be my soul-sister. One who I could talk about my interests with and know that she was actually interested in them too and approved of my opinions. Not that we never clashed in our judgments, but we usually ended up at a good compromise. The closest relationship to what I had with Soojoo and Chaerin amongst my other friends was TOP-hyung, as he also had an interest in fashion and art. But our tastes differed too widely for it to be really a rallying point of conversation for us. Youngbae’s interest in fashion was fluctuating at best. Daesung and Seungri did not really care about it at all. So Soojoo and Chaerin were my go-to if I wanted to just have a random talk about my interests. Of course, there was that other guy, but we don’t talk now since that fateful night.

I remember Seungri was initially jealous of Chaerin, and later on, Soojoo, because of how close I was with both of them. But he got over his jealousy with Chae because we worked at the same company and were forced to rub elbows all the time. After one large confrontation which took place in a YG Family afterparty, and much to my embarrassment, they cleared the air between them with Chaerin shouting: “I would never ever wanna do Jiyong okay?” With that, they slowly became closer and closer but never losing their signature cat-and-dog bickering with each other. Soojoo and Seungri never even met up. I’ve actually never really introduced Ri to my friends nor did he try to integrate me into his own circle. Probably because we both knew that the other would be bored and uncomfortable seeing as we had very distinct and varying interests. So I’ve always been really suspicious of Seungri’s friends, and Seungri had always doubted my own group of buddies, particularly Soojoo. Well, at the end of the day, we both were right, seeing as the people we cheated on with came from the list of people that worried the other.

I then heard a huffing noise breaking into my thoughts, so I lifted my head to glance above the sofa, only to laugh at the sight in front of me. Soojoo looked very comical as both of her arms were crammed full of bags bearing the logos of the designers I liked. She looked like a Christmas tree with paper bags as her ornaments. My laughter was cut short when Soojoo dumped everything she held in my stomach. Annoyed, I sat down while grabbing one of them, my annoyance later turning into gratitude as I the silky material of the scarf that was in the first bag. Grinning like a child during Christmas Day, I turned to Soojoo and asked: “Is this all mine? Are all of these from Chaerin?”

Soojoo’s stoic face turned into a mini-glare, but moments later, her features softened as she watched me gleefully open all the paper bags that were now littered in front of me. She then said: “It’s all yours pabo. Half comes from Chae and half from me. We know you were too busy to really buy stuff the last time you were in Paris so we bought you these. Anyway, as a thank you, just buy us some really cool jackets for our birthdays”.

I looked at her, smiling my thanks as I refolded everything I had taken out. I felt the kind of happiness I did whenever I bought new clothes. It was therapeutic, as though I was being rewarded for all my efforts. It was a different happiness from when I was in love, or when I stood on stage with my members with the scream of our fans in our ears, or from any other times when I experienced good moments. It was a less substantial kind of pleasure, artificial at best, but it’s the happiness one feels when they are able to have the things they could only dream about before. A sort of reaffirmation that I was now successful.

Impatient at my slow pace, Soojoo took it upon herself to help me repack everything. It only took another 5 minutes until everything had been packed into 3 paper bags full of clothing and accessories and 1 paper bag filled with smaller paper-bags. Exhausted from our endeavors, I climbed back up the couch I was lying on and stretched out again, fanning myself from the slight sweat that developed because of our recent activity. I could hear Soojoo sit on the couch directly opposite me. Comfortable silence for a few minutes continued between us.

Maybe because she couldn’t take the silence any longer or maybe she was genuinely curious, but Soojoo broke the soothing calmness that surrounded us by saying: “I’m pretty sure you didn’t just want to get your presents from Chaerin from me because you can do it during daytime, and I know you didn’t wear a suit just to see me, so you must have come from somewhere.  So what the hell are you doing here Jiyong?”, she asks in a teasing voice that was failing to mask her concern.

I laughed: “How did you know I didn’t come to see you in a suit to make you fall in love with me?”, I quipped at her, knowing she wouldn’t take it seriously.

Her answer was a pillow that directly hit my face while her laughter echoed throughout her vast living room. I glared at her and threw back the pillow at her, but she must have had  good reflexes because she caught it before it could hit her. Sighing at the failure of my revenge, I sat down properly now and stared at her, deciding to finally open up about what I was feeling.

“I came from Seungri’s birthday party”, I stared at her as I said that, wondering what her reaction would be.

“Hmmm. Are you 2 back together or something while I was in the States? Last I heard you were still broken up”, she says, her tone neutral.

“Nope. Still broken up.”, I say. I wait for a few moments seeing if she’ll say something, but as she just continued staring at me I continued. “So anyway, all the members of Bigbang were hanging out together, when something happened. Guess who appears at our table and was apparently present at the party? Jonghoon!”

Her brows furrowed in response. “Wait, isn’t this the guy he cheated on you with?”, she asked.

“Yes. That’s the guy. He’s also the guy I was really jealous about because of his closeness with Ri. Remember when I told you that I was pissed because both of them were always looking for each other backstage whenever Bigbang and FT Island promoted together? And how Seungri always spends Jonghoon’s birthdays alone with him? And it’s also the same guy whom Ri goes on surprise holiday trips abroad. Anyway, so that guy saunters to our table, smirking at us like he had every right to be there, making me feel like I wasn’t. And he takes away Ri who follows after him like a lost puppy.”, I ranted, the words almost blurring together as though they were lyrics to a rap song.

Soojoo just nodded. “So they’re still friends?”, she then asks almost hesitantly.

“Apparently yes”, I spat out bitterly. “It’s a sore spot for me because you of all people know that I cut off all communication with that guy because I was so sorry and guilty about accidentally cheating on Ri that I was willing to lose a childhood friend just to get him back. I was willing to sacrifice everything, I was even at the point of thinking of confessing how much I loved him and exposing my uality on national television. Stupid thoughts right? But what does Seungri do? He gets back at me with the guy I distrusted a lot. And all that I could think about was how long it could have been happening behind my back which drove me crazy to the point that all I wanted was to hurt him too. It got so bad we were literally forced to break up but I still loved him despite it all and I still couldn’t stop. I still couldn’t stop loving him Soojoo. All this time I thought that maybe we just needed a little break, a little time off from each other, to cool both our heads and hearts. That maybe, if I just let everything run its course, we’ll find our way back to each other. But I guess all that’s in vain now.”

I didn’t notice the tears that were falling down my face until Soojoo approached me and started wiping them away. She then sat beside me, her arms around me patting me while I sobbed.

“But now I find out he’s still friends with the person he cheated on me with, I can’t help but think that maybe Ri never really loved me. Or if he did, maybe he had already fallen out of love with me during the time we broke up and I just conveniently gave him an excuse to find a way to end it with me. I just can’t help but doubt our entire relationship. I can’t help but think that maybe I was the only one giving the relationship my all. And it hurts, it ing hurts so much because I still can’t hate him and I still can’t stop loving him despite all the distrust I feel towards him. He’s still the only person I’d ever want to be with.”, I say, ending with a sob racking throughout my body.

Soojoo continued patting my arm while mumbling soothing noises until the worst of the sobs finished and I was already just whimpering.

“Did something happen between tonight and your break up? It’s almost been a year since you guys split up. Even if you still loved him, you wouldn’t be affected this much”, Soojoo says almost in a whisper.

I laugh, startling Soojoo as I pulled away from her touch to face her. “You’re smart”, I say with a sigh.  “A few months after our break up, I started visiting Seungri sporadically, whenever I got reminded of something in our past, or  whenever I missed him so much. I’m sure you’ve experienced those nights when you feel so alone and lost and all you want is the comfort of the presence of the person you yearn for. So I go to him, bringing food or whatever feeble excuse I could think of. It ends up with him and I ing and cuddling throughout the night. And I just feel so ing happy whenever that happens.  It’s at the point that I could not even tell you most of what I was doing this past year except those nights that I spent with him. And every time I’m not with him, all I want to do is be with him.  And I guess, I thought that maybe if this happened consistently, he’ll end up falling for me again, or somehow one night, after we do it, we’ll confess that we still loved each other and get back together. Stupid of me right?”

I ruffled my hair and pulled at it with frustration. Now that everything I felt was out of the open, I felt as though I was naïve to the point of foolishness. I trembled inwardly, both dreading and anticipating what Soojoo had to say about what I just confessed.

“Jiyong, I know you’re no stranger to love and relationships, so I know you know that life doesn’t work that way. Maybe it would have worked if there was no cheating involved between you and Ri, but basically all you’re reaffirming to him is that you’re up for what seemingly may be just casual . Have you ever thought about just confessing that you still loved him and clearing the air between the two of you?”, she asked me, a tone of impatience in her voice.

“No. How could I? What if he rejects me? Or worse, what if he laughs about it in my face? What if he uses it against me forever? I don’t think I can live with nor recover from that. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid you know. At least there’s no finality, no closure. I guess all that’s keeping me going right now is the thought that maybe we’ll still have a future once we figure out things on our own, and if that’s permanently taken away from me, I don’t know what I’ll do”, I answer back, a little harshly, but these things needed to be said. I looked up to emphasize my point to Soojoo only to be met with her eyes full of sympathy and pity.

“Okay okay”, Soojoo says with her arms held out in surrender. “Apparently, telling him is not an option you would even consider. But what are you going to do? If he’s really with Jonghoon now then you’re just hurting yourself more by still being with him, knowing that you can’t really fully have him. And in the off chance that he’s still in love with you, he’ll never get the chance to be truly happy with Jonghoon if you’re still in his life. Not that I mean you quit Bigbang”, she interjected as I was about to interrupt. “But stop ing him, stop fooling around with him. We both know it will just end up badly. And you’re just hurting not only yourself but also him. It’s a very unhealthy relationship Jiyong. But I know you know that”

I turned my back at her, clenching my jaw in fury, angry tears running down my face . Everything she said were thoughts that were actually already running through my head. But Soojoo laying them down like that made all the excuses and justification for my actions in my head sound so shabby and pathetic. Of course she was right, things have always been bound to turn out bitter between Seungri and I. It’s like everything that could go wrong in a relationship happened to us: we were both male in a highly homophobic society, we were idols whose private lives are always under scrutiny and whose secrets could never be safely hidden away, we were two prideful individuals who never meant what we say, we were both masters at lying and playing pretend, we cheated on each other, we kept things from each other, and worse, we ended up becoming friends with benefits. All ingredients for a looming disaster.

“But what should I do? I don’t think I can live without him.”, I finally say, after a few moments of silence.

“You have to Jiyong. You have to at least try. What would help you quit him?”, she asks me.

I wracked my brain, knowing that what Soojoo was asking was something I never even tried to think about. My first thoughts revolved around my career. It was the only thing besides my pride that I usually put ahead of Seungri. But I’ve proven in the past that I could sacrifice it in a heartbeat just to get Seungri and I back to the times when were still so happy and so in love. So it’s not really enough of a motivation for me. The career of my fellow band members should also have been a good motivation, but it won’t really work because they’ve told Seungri and I before that if somehow our relationship was exposed to the public, they’d be willing to risk their careers if we were really in love with each other and would stay together. They were willing to sacrifice so much for us and were so affected by what we subsequently did to each other that Youngbae punched me when he first heard that I cheated on Seungri. Seungri too was punched by him when he cheated on me.

At the mention of my bestfriend an idea started forming in my head.

“You know that Youngbae has a girlfriend right?”, I ask Soojoo.

She nods, confusion written all over her face at the sudden shift of the conversation. “Min Hyorin if I remember correctly?” she says.

I nodded before continuing. “Well, what people don’t know is that they fight all the time and almost always break up. Youngbae says it’s because Hyorin doesn’t seem to trust his closeness around our dancer noonas, and he’s mad at her for not trusting him. It’s almost a cycle, them breaking up and getting together. It’s actually very chaotic, much like the latter part of mine and Ri’s relationship. But Youngbae confessed to me that the main reason why he doesn’t just call it off is because it’s become public knowledge already, and he doesn’t want people to view him and her badly. If they break up and the public gets wind of it, he knows that the media and the netizens won’t stop pestering him until they knew what had happened, or else they’ll form speculations of their own which would always be worse than the reality. Well, amongst us 5, he’s the only one who hasn’t had a huge scandal yet to the point that the public in general really hated him, and seeing as it’ll just be a few years until we retire, he doesn’t really want to taint his name anytime before then. It’s to the point that he drunkenly said that even if he stopped loving her, he’ll still probably end up marrying her. But it doesn’t matter right now because he still loves her, so it’s okay”.

Soojoo frowns and what I just had disclosed. “And this relates to you how exactly?”, she says in an irritated tone.

“So what if I get a girlfriend too and we make it public? Of course it can’t be a boyfriend because of the Korean culture, even if it would convince the people close to me the most. But a girlfriend would be enough to help me achieve what I need. Basically,  I’d be afraid of going to Ri or even dating another person just to spite Ri, because if I get caught, the public would think I’m a cheater. You know how netizens hate that. My career will be over if something of that magnitude gets out into the public. So it kills two birds with one stone. I’d have a compelling reason to stay away from Seungri, and I’ll be prevented from taking on just about anyone to make Ri jealous too. That’s what I did before to rile Ri up and look how it all eventually ended. I need to stop doing that. And maybe, if by some chance I’ll fall in love with someone else again someday, then I could easily break it off amicably with my fake girlfriend, rather than if I actually got a real one. “, I say, getting more and more excited at the scheme I just proposed.

“But if you do that, you should consider a lot of things first before getting into it. Like, the fact that the girl must not fall in love with you, because you’ll just end up hurting her. It must be like a business relationship, so it must be someone whose career would be benefited by a relationship with you. That way, she won’t tattle to the media about how everything is just fake because she’ll be ruined too. It must also be believable, so she must be someone who is near to the public’s conception of your type. Kiko would have been perfect because of prior rumors between you but she wouldn’t agree with it because she has a boyfriend right now who’ll be majorly pissed if she gets linked to you again. Chaerin would be okay I guess, or any member of 2ne1, really. They won’t betray you because you’re from the same company.”, she saying her thoughts out loud as she ran through the options I had.

“A  fake relationship with a 2ne1 member wouldn’t work. As a whole, Bigbang gets shipped with them a lot, and if I end up having a relationship with one, all the shippers of the other 2neBang ships would become our antis. We can’t really have that especially now that 2ne1’s reputation is still unstable in Korea. Lee Hi and Suhyun are too young. Our dancer noonas and stylists don’t want to be dragged into our lives to the point that they avoid taking photos with us because of the hate they get when they do post pictures of us”, I said striking out the other possibilities.

“So the girl has to have a career that will not be that affected if she gets antis but would be boosted enough if she gets associated with you? So actresses are also out of the picture then”, she says, sighing as another possibility is taken out of our mental list.

“Wait. What about models? If they get antis, it wouldn’t matter much because they’d still get gigs, and even being infamous would actually just benefit them in a long run… Wait, why not you?”, I ask her, looking at her as though seeing her for the first time, my mind quickly evaluating whether a relationship with her would be something that the public would believe in. The more I thought about it though, the more she fit what I needed.

“Excuse me. No way! I’ve seen the hate Kiko got when you two hung out and was spotted by Dispatch. I am not subjecting myself to that!”, said Soojoo indignantly.

“Well, people didn’t know that Kiko and I were friends before rumors circulated about us so the public was very judgmental about our supposed relationship. Plus she’s Japanese, and you know the anti-Japanese sentiment is still rampant in Korea. But I won’t have that problem with you. My fans have seen enough of you in my SNS to know that we’re friends. And you’re Korean! Plus, you’re almost always abroad so even if you do get antis, only your gigs here would be affected. Also, we won’t have to pretend to be a couple all the time because we could use your stints abroad as an excuse as to why we’re rarely seen together. Yes, you’re perfect for the job!”, I say, gesturing widely because of my enthusiasm at the idea.

I was surprised when Soojoo hit her palm in her forehead, apparently in frustration. “That makes so much sense that I couldn’t rebut it, but I really don’t wanna do it. Jiyong!”, she  whines.

“What would make you say yes to this?”, I said, acting cutely in front of her, trying to make her laugh enough to soften her up to acquiesce to this plan.

She laughs. “You look ugly! Stop that”, she says. She then sighs. “Okay. Fine. I’ll agree to this. But I get to choose a Prada item for my birthday that you’ll have to buy for me. Deal?”, she says, while holding her hand out, waiting for me to shake it.

I shook her hand while smiling impishly at her. “Deal”, I say, sealing our unwritten agreement and starting the farce of our relationship.

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The next day I had to be at the YG building for a dance practice for an upcoming concert. My heart thudded loudly as I walked towards the dance studio, afraid of what my reaction would be when I see Seungri. My anxiousness continued to build up as I walked towards the door of the dance studio, reaching its peak as I tugged the handle and entered, only to find the dance studio completely empty. I was the first one to arrive apparently, so I set out preparing everything that was needed so that the practice could start as soon as all the members and dancers were present. All the while, I’ve begun thinking of how to blurt out the news of my supposed relationship to Yang Hyun Suk, planning to the alleged confession after our practice, rationalizing that the sooner my plan starts, the sooner my healing will begin.

I was too absorbed in my own thoughts that I didn’t notice that people had begun trickling in. It was only when a familiar laugh echoed across the room that I finally looked up from tidying up the room.

Seungri came into the room with Daesung, while gesturing widely to the latter, caught up in telling a story. “ – so I got an extra ticket. I’ll be going right after our last activity for December. The ticket will go to waste if you don’t go. Please Hyung come with me!”

Daesung shakes his head and with a teasing tone tells Seungri: “A week alone with you? I think I’d lose my sanity!”.

Seungri then prods Daesung’s side as he says: “That’s so mean hyung! Come on, you need it. You’ve been holed up in your house the entire tour. You need fresh air and a social life. You’re young hyung, at the prime of your life. You need to get out there and experience the world. Plus we won’t be alone. David, Jonghoon, and Joon Young are also going to be there with us since they were the ones who bought the tickets as my birthday gift. They’ll also attend Steve’s wedding so you’re doubly reassured that they’re really coming. Come on hyung. Come with me to Hawaii!”

Daesung reaches out and tackles Seungri: “Fine, fine my annoying Dongsaeng”. He says as he pins Seungri to the ground, where a tickling battle soon ensues between the Maknae Line. They only stop when Top-hyung arrives with a resounding: “What are you doing to my Daesungie?”, causing  my two dongsaengs to burst out in laughter.

Seeing Seungri like that around our members reminded me of how he used to be around me too. Before, Seungri was almost always laughing uncontrollably, his glee at being the subject of my attention very apparent whenever I , always good-natured, and most of all, happy. Now, whenever we were together, it was tense and awkward with both of us being very careful in how we acted around each other. It got to the point that he was almost always poker-faced around me now and it was such a rarity to see him smile at me. I missed his bright and cheerful nature with me more than I miss having a relationship with him. If what it takes to get his natural smile back was for me to finally stop blurring the lines between us and getting myself into a fake relationship, I’ll gladly do it a million times over. I guess I would be willing to do everything for him, for the person who was the source of both my pleasure and frustration, short of actually confessing to him about what I felt. I just hope that someday, the time will come when the mere fact that he is happy will be enough to make me content too. Right now, I’m too bitter and still too affected to really wish him well and be completely happy for his relationship with Jonghoon. But maybe this plan that I’m setting in motion will be the first step towards me being satisfied if Seungri’s happy, even when it’s not with me.

I sighed loudly, physically manifesting my aggravation in what I was intending to do.

A soft “Hyung” catches me off guard. I turned around dreading to talk to the person to whom the voice belonged to, only to find myself correct in my assumption, seeing as Seungri was standing in front of me. I avoided staring at him, trying to escape meeting his line of sight, only to have my attention caught by the fact that he was the pendant that I gave him last night. My thoughts were diverted back to him when he then said: “Are you okay? You left early last night.”

I tried to not show any emotion as I replied: “I was just too tired to stay.”.

“Oh”, he says, after which an elongated awkward silence descended between us.

I got more irritated at the fact that we can’t really have a decent conversation nowadays. It was like a slap to my face reminding me of just how bad things with Seungri were right now.

“Let’s start practice!”, I then yelled, accidentally hitting Seungri hard in the shoulder as I was  getting into position. He remained in his position for several moments, as though he were a statue, before finally moving away.

Guilt ate away at me the entire time we were dancing, my mind too preoccupied with thoughts of being with Seungri and the benefit of what I was about to do, warring constantly in my head. I could only get through the practice because my body was able to work through muscle memory. After several exhausting run throughs of the entire concert, we finally finished 5 hours later. I quickly went to my own studio, trying to avoid any interaction with the other members. When I’ve finally wiped away all the sweat and grime I accumulated during practice to the point that I deemed myself already presentable, I knew I could not delay what I needed to do any further. So I started walking towards the elevator with heavy steps, as though my body was actively trying to prevent me from actually going through with it.

Shaking my head at myself and trying to suppress an ironic chuckle from going out, I continued walking, forcing myself to hasten. This was the most opportune time to do what I was planning. This was the best moment to go to Yang Hyun Suk to initiate the scheme I concocted with Soojoo. I just hope I’m making the right decision and this would not eventually backfire on me. All I know is that right now, I was willing to do anything to finally do right by Seungri, even if it’s at my own expense. Love makes a fool out of everyone, and it's painfully obvious that I was no exception to it. 

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A/N: 

Finally! I'm done with how their fake relationship started. This has been my longest chapter, and I'm really sorry for the length. I just wanted to get their story out there already so I can move on to the other things I've been planning. What's funny is that I have the skeleton of the story planned out but the more I write it, the more details I put in, so it gets longer and longer until it's become more than what I anticipated it to be. 

I'm also sorry if I'm losing my descriptive way of writing. It's getting harder and harder to write in such manner because I'm now becoming too focused on what should happen between them rather than how they are feeling. I'm doing my best to write in the same style but it's always been my pitfall to write worse as the time goes by. I just hope that at least some will stick with me til the end of this story. Please do. <3 

I hope you don't hate Seungri or Jiyong so much. All I can promise is that everything they do has a purpose and at the end of the day, they're both good but prideful people. Don't hate Soojoo or Jonghoon too. Their roles and why they're essential will be clearer as the time goes by. :)

Also, thank you so much to the 82 people who subscribed to my story. I hope I'll keep you interested enough to keep you reading it. Thank you to the 5 upvoters, I don't think I deserve it, but I'm so grateful for it. But I would like to say thank you the most to those who commented because reading your comments have always been the highlight of my day whenever I received them. Also, they keep me going in the sense that even if I lose heart at my ability to write, the fact that some people still read it encourage me to continue doing this. :) Especially to anaedon_ighi_vvip who never fails to comment and cheer on me! Thank you so much. <3

Anyway, the Kobe fanmeets were so much fun! Missing Tabi so much (So much OT5 feels when Tabi commented "the younger brothers that I miss on YB's regram of Seungri's post). <3