Tue, 11 September 2018

Leo took a deep breath before daring himself to go inside the cafe. N had gone out with his way again and made an appointment with Ken. He insisted that Leo met Ken to solve the misunderstanding. Well, it was his fault and he should've apologized but he liked to do so on his own pace. Unfortunately, N had known him to well to know that the day wouldn't come any sooner. And somewhere along that line, he also made Leo invited Ravi here. N had heard everything the night after Leo came home and wanted to meet the man himself. He was at first reluctant to do that but it wasn't N if he couldn't get his way. At last, he convinced himself it was only to return Ravi's shirt. The shirt has been washed and put in a bag in the corner of his work room. And now he took the bag with him to return it to its owner.

The cafe's door was opened and Leo looked at his favorite place to find N, Ken, and Hongbin sitting there. They looked up at him and Leo tried to ignore Ken's gaze at him. Maybe, this was already a bad decision to come here after all. Leo made his way toward the table and sat on the empty spot beside N.

"Ahem, this is awkward. Well, where's Ravi, Leo-ah?" N asked him.

"Don't know." Leo answered shortly. He tried to look at anywhere except the three man staring at him. It was true though, Ravi didn't make any promise to come.

Mon evening, 10 September 2018

"Leo, text that man this instant or I'm going to text him myself, okay?" N said threateningly.

Leo glared at him but made no movement to use his phone.

"Why do you want to meet him?" Leo answered back sternly.

"Because Leo, that's the first friend you made yourself without me and I would like to see if he's a good man or not. Or do you want to keep him all for yourself?" N said with a smirk and Leo widened his eyes in disbelief at what he just heard.

"How could you be like that Leo-ah? Now that you've got new friend you don't even want to introduce him to me," N said while doing some fake crying.

Leo frown at the sight and wondered how old was the man in front of him actually was. He grabbed the pillow from the sofa and thrown it to N. The pillow successfully landed on his face and he yelped in surprised.

"Jung Leo, you better take out your phone and text him now or I'll text him something that you can't even imagine in your life!"

Leo sighed in defeat and finally took out his phone. It was better he do it himself that N sneakily took his phone later and texted something inappropriate.

To: Ravi

Do you have time tomorrow?

And he got the reply in an instant.

From: Ravi

I didn't expect you to text me so suddenly. I already have an appointment actually. Why?

To: Ravi

Oh...never mind then.

From: Ravi

Tell me Leo, if it was urgent I'll make sometime.

To: Ravi

No, it was stupid. Forget it.

Leo sent the last text and wished that Ravi wouldn't ask him anymore. It was stupid though, just because N wanted to meet him, didn't mean Leo could tell him to abandon whatever his appointment was just to meet N. He groaned and sat on the sofa when suddenly his phone rang and he was taken aback to see Ravi was calling him. He nervously pressed the answer button and placed the phone to his ear.

"Leo, what happen?"

"..." Leo was speechless at the worry in Ravi's tone.

"Hello?"

"Err, why do you call?" Leo could hear Ravi's sigh on the other end of the phone.

"What is it about tomorrow?"

Leo heaved another sigh too "Told you it wasn't..."

"Leo, just say it." Ravi cut his sentence and he sounded stern, just like every time he managed to get through him with a single demand.

"My friend N wanted to see you." Leo blurted out quickly, feeling more embarrassed now after saying it out loud than with text.

"Okay?" Now Ravi sounded just as confused as he thought the younger man would be.

"..." Leo honestly didn't know what to add for that and he could feel himself blush with embarrassment.

"Just that?" He could feel Ravi holding back laughter in the other line.

"It was stupid."

Then Ravi laughed aloud and Leo let him, not like he would admit Ravi's laughter sounded nice.

"You were afraid to tell me that?"

You don't think it was weird?" Leo asked incredulously at how casual Ravi about the situation.

"No, actually for someone so reserve like you, it would be weird if your friend didn't want to meet me."

"Hmm..." Leo could only hum, what Ravi said did make sense.

"But Leo-ah, I really have an appointment tomorrow. I'll try to make it there though." Ravi sounded so regretful that Leo felt bad for him.

"It's alright, don't force it."

"Okay."

And then they were silence for awhile. Leo wasn't sure if he should ended the call or wait for Ravi to, but since Ravi was the one calling his logic told him that Ravi should've ended it too.

"What are you doing?" Ravi asked him after the long silence.

"Talking to you?" He could hear Ravi chuckled.

"Sure. I'm stupid for asking." Ravi said and his voice oddly filled with fondness that Leo felt himself smiled a little.

"I got to go now okay. See you later?"

"Yeah." And then he heard the beeping sound indicating that the call was ended.

So, yeah, Ravi didn't directly say he could make it today. And Leo was aware that he might bring the shirt for nothing if Ravi didn't come.

"Let's begin first without Ravi then." N said.

"Leo, this is Ken from last Saturday. He was Hongbin's cousin and he lived in Japan since a kid. Now he work in London at the Star magazine like you've know."

"Hi, I'm sorry for last Saturday." Ken was looking at the floor and he sounded so sad like a lost puppy that Leo felt bad for him too.

"I, it was my fault. I'm sorry."

"No, it wasn't your fault at all, Leo-ssi." Ken said quickly while lifted his head and Leo couldn't help but averted his gaze to avoid looking at Ken's face.

"We're sorry for what happened too, hyung." Hongbin added.

"Don't be." Leo stated fiercely. Jaehwan's death didn't have anything to do with them and they shouldn't be sorry for it. It was his own fault for not being able to move on from Jaehwan. And he had dragged everyone into this situation.

"Leo-ah, don't blame yourself. We didn't mind this though. Look I've met a new friend and you'll be shocked at how compatible I am with Ken." N put his hand on top of his hand and assured him. He looked at N to see him smiling and his eyes looked so warm, Leo wondered how did someone liked him ended up having a good friend like N.

"Thank you..." Leo whispered but it was loud enough for them.

"Uhm, Leo-ssi, will you still do the interview with me?" Ken said, looking very much

"Let's take it slowly, okay Ken?" N said to Ken.

"Okay, hyung." Ken nodded to emphasize it and N smiled at him.

Leo looked at them, not sure what really happened. Hongbin who sensed his confuse, smiled kindly at him.

"N hyung and Ken hyung both discovered that they're very much alike which made them so easy to befriend each other." Hongbin explained to him.

Leo nodded in understanding and watched their interaction for awhile before getting lost in his own thought. He now knew the reason N insisted him to come here. It wasn't for him to interact with Ken. It was for him to see the differences between Ken and Jaehwan. Jaehwan was a sweet guy but he wasn't very talkative. This Ken though looked like he was happy just by talking and that's why he matched well with N. Jaehwan was close with N too but not to the extent that they would talked all day long together, instead he often stayed with him in a comfortable silence. And Jaehwan surely never did aegyo so much that it kind of annoyed Leo. He knew those differences but still looking at Ken's face didn't help at all.

"Ah, our orders must have finished. I'll go take it." Hongbin said suddenly.

"I'll take it." Leo said, wanting to get away from them for a moment. Nobody argued with him, so he stood with ease and walked toward the counter.

"Here's your order, sir."

"Thank you." Leo muttered and attempted to take the tray but a pair of hands was faster and took it first.

"Hi" A deep voice greeted him and Leo didn't realize he had been holding his breath.

"Ravi" Leo said in acknowledgement, successfully hiding his anxiousness.

"Here, I'll take this." Ravi said and immediately lifted the tray.

"You don't want to order something?" Leo asked confusedly.

"Nah, I'll pass. I just had some before coming here. Lead the way."

Leo nodded and walked in front of Ravi, leading him to his friends.

"Oh! Ravi!" Hongbin exclaimed in surprised.

"Hey, Hongbin." Ravi said in surprised too.

Leo stood beside Ravi, didn't sure what to make with this turn of event. N and Ken also looked curiously between both men. Ravi put the tray on the table and sat beside Hongbin. Leo followed him and took his seat beside N. It was such a coincidence that it was also in front of Ravi's.

"Hi, I'm Ravi." Ravi introduced himself to the group.

"I'm N, Leo's best friend." N introduced himself smugly.

"Oh, and I'm Ken." After hearing the name Ken, Ravi turned to look at Leo and raised one eyebrow at him. Leo only shrugged in response and beside them N watched the interaction with interest.

"So, how did you know Ravi, binnie?" N asked.

"Ravi was the same age with me and he was actually my roommate in university since freshman."

"So, you guys have known each other for a long time?" This time Ken butted in.

"Yeah." Ravi answered.

Why don’t you tell me earlier, bin-ah?” N asked with a pout.

“I thought it was another Ravi, hyung. It just didn’t seem like there’s this kind of coincidence just before now.” Hongbin explained with a chuckle.

“Wow, so we all were actually connected huh?” Ken asked in awe.

“It was indeed quite a surprise.” N commented while openly staring at Ravi and he seemed liked he was trying hard to judge Ravi through his looks. Leo rolled his eyes at N’s straight forwardness and purposely stepped on N’s foot below the table.

“Ouch! Leo-ah.“ N whined and all pair of eyes was focused on them.

“What happened hyung?” Hongbin asked in worry.

Leo pretended to not heard him and drank his coffee while N glared at him. Ravi though, looked amused with all of this.

“Nothing, binnie.” N managed out through gritted teeth.

“But Ravi, how did you get to know Leo hyung?” Hongbin asked curiously.

Leo played with his cup out of nervousness but nobody noticed it because their focus was solely on Ravi.

“I just met Leo under some circumstances.” Ravi said shortly and Leo felt relieved he didn’t go to the details.

“What kind of circumstances?” Ken asked, seeming too curious.

“Just something came up.” Ravi answered politely and Ken looked disappointed at his answer but didn’t press the matter anymore.

“Uhm…Leo-ssi,” Ken called out to him so suddenly that Leo was startled.

“I heard Hongbin called you hyung from earlier. Can I do that too?” Ken asked with face full of hope. Leo only blinked in surprise at the sudden request.

“I knew I grew up in Japan and all and it would be weird but I wanted to get close to you.” Ken explained nervously when Leo didn’t answer him.

There was a long stretch of silence and Leo could feel N stiffened beside him, seeming nervous too. But Leo didn’t notice anyone else because his memories decided to resurface again.

“Taekwoon hyung” Jaehwan called out with his rare aegyo. They were hanging out in Taekwoon’s bedroom after school.

“What?” Taekwoon hit Jaehwan lightly on the head at his stupid aegyo.

“You know hyung, everyone have a special nickname for their lovers.” Jaehwan said while sat in front of Taekwoon.

“Like honey, darling, sweetie, baby, something like that hyung.” Jaehwan added and Taekwoon’s expression turned to a horrid one at the words coming out from Jaehwan’s mouth.

“There’s no way I’ could say those things Jaehwan-ah.” Leo still looked uncomfortable and Jaehwan laugh at his expression.

“You know what I told them hyung?” Jaehwan said and he moved his body forward until he was a few centimeters apart from Taekwoon’s face. Taekwoon waited curiously at his reply.

“I told them I was happy just by calling you hyung, that it somehow made me special when I said it. Not because of the word itself but because of the look you gave me every time I said it, hyung.” Jaehwan said with a smile and Taekwoon felt himself smiled too at that confession.

“Thank you Jaehwan-ah.” Taekwoon said with so much gratitude that he pecked Jaehwan lightly and he could felt Jaehwan giggled at the gesture.

 “I don’t think it was a good idea for now Ken-ah. How about next time?” N said after a long moment of awkwardness.

“Yeah, you’re right hyung. I’m sorry…” Ken looked dejected but still he obeyed N.

Suddenly, Leo felt someone hit his foot lightly and he was brought back from his memories to the present times. He looked up to see Ravi staring at him intently again and Leo realized he must’ve spaced out again. This time the foot nudged his slightly as if trying to comfort him and Leo looked around but the others didn’t look like they notice. Leo looked back at Ravi in confusion but the other only tilted his head toward their friends and then Leo finally caught on the atmosphere in their table. Ken had requested to call him hyung and he was lost in his memories so that they must’ve felt bad for him.

Leo bit his lips out of habit as he thought hard what to do and then another nudge came. This time his eyes immediately found Ravi’s and the other man looked so unreadable but at the same time Leo felt like he knew the meaning.

‘No you can’t because it sounded too much like Jaehwan that it was unbearable.’

“Yeah, you can.” Leo blurted out his sudden decision but his eyes never left Ravi’s. In that short moment he could see something flashed in Ravi’s eyes but it was too fast for him to decipher the meaning behind it. The looked was replaced with something like proud and then Leo finally averted his gaze to find the other three men gaped at him in shocked. He knew it was a bad decision but maybe it was the time to let go?

“Eh?”

“What”

“Huh?”

The three of them said simultaneously and they looked like they couldn’t believe what he had just said.

“Are you sure, Leo-ah?” N asked with worry.

“It’s alright if I don’t.” Ken said and he laughed nervously.

“Just-just don’t say it too often…yet.” Leo added finally as the he realized the weight of his decision but since he couldn’t take it back anymore he might as well got use to it.

They were still unsure at Leo’s decision but then Ravi gave them the look that said ‘What the hell are you guys still doing’ that made Leo wanted to smile at him in gratitude.

“O-okay then, thank you hyung.” Ken said excitedly after the look from Ravi.

“Hey, I’ve just noticed though why Ravi didn’t call Leo hyung too? He was the same age as me.” Hongbin stated after the tension has disappear.

“Because I don’t want to.” Ravi said in a teasing tone which made Leo glared at him. Hongbin and Ken looked at him with awe while N looked amused.

“That’s weird though, Leo was always strict about age matter.” N stated with a grin and the look in his eyes screamed mischief all over that Leo wanted to roll his eyes.

“Is that so?” Ravi said with a small laugh.

“I felt so envy. I’ve known Leo hyung longer but it felt like he was closer to you.” Hongbin said, looking a little jealous at Ravi.

“I’ve got to go back to the studio now.” Leo said suddenly, wanting to end this conversation quickly.

“Okay then, see you at home Leo-ah.” N said

“Umm, about the interview, just call me whenever you think you’re ready, okay…hyung?” Ken said hopefully and Leo only nodded his head.

“See you hyung.” Hongbin said as Leo stood from his chair and walked toward the door.

Ravi had caught up to him and they were walking side by side toward Leo’s studio. It was only on the other block but they only walked slowly since it was already afternoon and there weren’t many people.

“Why did you leave suddenly?” Ravi asked.

“…” Leo didn’t answer because he himself didn’t know.

“Did you felt uncomfortable there?”

Leo thought for a while and shook his head but then he changed his mind and nodded. He could hear Ravi chuckled beside him.

“Why? Is it because of Ken or is it because of me?”

Leo stopped walking upon hearing the question and he look beside to see Ravi staring at him.

‘Both.’

Leo didn’t say it but Ravi seemed to know because he nodded in understanding but he didn’t look offended. How Ravi could read him so easily though, he couldn’t figure it out yet.

“It wasn’t because of you though. I just didn’t like the way they talked about you and me.” Leo said as he felt the need to explain. Ravi didn’t comment about that, instead he changed the topic to the corner that Leo wasn’t comfortable with.

“And that was Ken then?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Just that?” Leo asked in surprise at Ravi’s statement. Shouldn’t Ravi asked another question after seeing him cry because of Ken instead of saying okay?

“I won’t force you to tell me now and I won’t find it out from another person too. I’ll wait for you to tell me yourself.” Ravi said and Leo almost smiled in relief at how easy he felt when he knew the decision was in him.

“Thanks Ravi-ah.” Ravi smiled at him and then started walking, leaving him behind. Leo walked after him and finally got in pace with him again.

“Did you always leave while forgetting your things?” Ravi asked suddenly.

“No.” Leo answered confusedly.

“Then what about this?” Ravi asked with a grin and Leo looked beside to see Ravi lifting a paper bag that he had been carrying all this time. Leo’s eyes widened when he remembered about the paper bag which contained Ravi’s shirt. He totally forgot about the shirt when Ravi came.

“I’m sorry.” Leo said, his face became red with embarrassment while Ravi laughed slightly at him.

“It’s okay. This is for me right? I’ll take it then, thanks.”

“Yeah, I’m really sorry for forgetting it.” Leo said, still feeling guilty.

“I said it’s alright. I happened to see it under your chair when I’m going out.”

“Thank you for coming today.” Leo hesitantly said after his embarrassment had died down.

“Don’t be. I came because I wanted to.” Leo looked at Ravi to find out what he meant but it was in vain.

Leo walked inside his apartment tiredly and found a pair of shoes was already inside.

“Leo-ah, you’re back? I bought some food on my way home just now. Let’s eat together.” N called out from the dining room.

Leo hung his coat and walked toward the smell of food. N had set the table and prepared everything. Leo sighed in relief at his friend’s action and he immediately sat down to start eating. N too grabbed his own spoon as soon as Leo sat down.

“I thought you would be too tired to cook today.”

Leo nodded in gratitude but his hand and mouth didn’t stop.

After the food was all eaten, Leo made a move to stand up and did the dishes but N was faster. He grabbed Leo’s hand and pulled him down. Leo looked at him in confusion.

“Tell me what happened today.” N said demandingly.

“What?” Leo asked, pretending not to know what N was asking. Well, he could always try to avoid it first.

“You knew what I meant. Why you did suddenly agreed to Ken’s request? I knew it was a sensitive thing for you.” N asked with a frown and he looked at Leo with confusion.

Leo closed his eyes at the straight question and fiddled with his fingers nervously. Seems like there’s no way to avoid it.

“I’m not sure myself though.” Leo said hesitantly in a small voice. N waited for him to continue.

“I suddenly felt like it was the time to move on, like I have the strength to do so, at…that moment.” ‘The moment I looked into Ravi’s eyes, I thought I saw something’ Leo decided to leave that part from N for now.

“Move on from Jaehwan?” N asked, looking quite surprised.

“Just…from everything, I guess.” Leo answered with uncertainty.  “I’m not sure if it’s going to be alright though or even if I really had the ability to do that.”

“It’s okay, Leo-ah. This was already a big improvement and remembered that I’ll always be here to help you.” N said with a smile and he squeezed Leo’s hand with proud.

“Thank you Hakyeon-ah.” Leo said trying to smile a little but it was enough as N grinned back at him.

“Well, now someone had to do the dishes right?” N said jokingly and Leo shook his head at the bad jokes.

He walked toward the sink and start washing the dishes. N followed him and stood leaning on the fridge beside the sink.

“What about Ravi?”

Leo stopped his worked for a second at the unexpected question but returned back to his work immediately.

“You guys seemed pretty close already.” N stated while eyeing Leo’s reaction.

“We’re not as close as you thought.” Leo said, trying to show that he wasn’t interested in the talk. But it was to no avail, as N looked like he hadn’t given up yet.

“What about the part not calling ‘hyung’?” N pestered further.

“He was just so stubborn.” Leo answered simply.

“Said the stubborn man himself.” N countered with a smirk.

“Talk about your stubbornness.” Leo said while trying hard not to roll his eyes.

“Hey, it was an adaptation I got while befriending you. If I wasn’t like this, you’ll never tell me anything.” N said defensively.

“Maybe because it was something you shouldn’t know.” Leo looked at N to see his shocked expression.

“Aha, I knew this. Don’t try to change the subject right now Leo.” N said with a smug grin and Leo felt like he actually wanted to slap his best friend.

“Nothing was going on, N. Stop reading into this.” Leo said already feeling more than tired. He dried his hand as he finished washing the dishes and was going to walk out from the kitchen when N said something that stopped him on his track.

“Even if he liked you?”

Leo widened his eyes in surprised and spun around to look at N.

“You didn’t know about that, right?” N said carefully when Leo only gave him a confused look.

“What did you mean by he liked me?” Leo asked in a whisper.

“Well, I’m not sure if he really liked you, Leo-ah. But I’m sure of one thing though, he was seeing you.” N said with a certainty that scared Leo.

“What? That didn’t even make sense.” He furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Leo, you should see it from my point of view. Ravi was only looking at you the whole time we sat there, his eyes never left you longer than a few seconds and he seemed concerned about you too much for someone who had only knew you for a few days.” N explained as he walked closer to Leo.

Leo still couldn’t believe what N said because is it possible for Ravi to like him in that short period? It seemed impossible for him.

“Why did you tell me then?”

“Because I thought you should’ve known if you’re not prepared yet for, you know…” N said with concern.

“I just hoped you were wrong…” Leo mumbled with sadness while N hugged him in a comfort.

“It’s all up to you.” N assured him and patted his back.

Mon, 24 September 2018

Leo sat on his studio, trying to get an idea for his next line of new clothes. But he had sat in there since morning and frustratingly not even a single idea got into his head. There were some littered or torn papers over the floor and even more inside the trash bin. He scribbled all over the one he was working at and grabbed the pencil so hard it felt like it would break. Finally giving up, he unconsciously threw the pencil aside and squeezed the paper while throwing it across the room. Standing up, he moved to the window and rested his forehead on the cold glass. Now that it was near the end of September, the wind had gotten chillier. Letting out a heavy sigh, Leo grabbed his coat and headed toward the door.

Going out from the back door, Leo took a deep breath and tried to decide where to go. He decided to walk aimlessly for now and saw where his feet took him. Just when he started walking, his phone vibrated inside his back pocket and he took it out to see a new message.

From: Ravi

We should talk.

Feeling guilty, Leo bit his lips nervously and decided to ignore the message, just like what he had done for the past two weeks. Another message came in immediately before he could get his phone back in.

From: Ravi

You couldn’t avoid me forever.

This one made Leo felt even guiltier. He hesitated to reply it or not for a long time and before he knew it, his phone rang again. The caller was Ravi and it made Leo stared nervously at his phone. Fiddling with the phone in his hand, Leo lifted his gaze to find a black car that was stopped right in front of him across the road. The more shocking was the man that leaned on the side of the car while staring at him. Leo paled a little when he realized it was Ravi and the fact that Ravi looked really angry now. Ravi pointed to his phone then pointed at Leo. Just then Leo realized that his phone was still ringing. Gulping nervously, Leo finally pressed the answer button because there wasn’t any other way anymore.