7 Sep 2013

Taekwoon glanced at his watch and realized that it was almost 5 o’clock. He and Jaehwan had come here to have a rest since it was holiday. They had arrived here on early morning and played until now. Jaehwan was extremely excited as it was so long since the last time they had a vacation together, just the two of them. Taekwoon too, was grateful that they could have a day just for themselves. Unconciously he let out a small yawn, he must’ve been tired after the whole day, especially since he had to wake up early to drive here. But he didn’t regret it a bit since he could see Jaehwan’s happy face.

He looked at the beach and saw that Jaehwan was still drawing something on the sand with a stick that he found. Taekwoon glanced once more at the sun and decided to go home now. He approached where Jaehwan was but didn’t come closer so he wouldn’t destroy the younger’s drawing.

“Jaehwan-ah, let’s go home. It’s going to be dark soon.” Taekwoon called out.

“Wait just a bit more hyung, I’m going to finish this first.” Jaehwan said as he focused on drawing faster.

“But Jaehwan-ah, the sun was already setting.” Taekwoon called out once more, glancing at the setting sun with an anxious feeling.

“Just a little more hyung, please?” Jaehwan said with the puppy eyes that always managed to get into Taekwoon. He could never say no to that look.

“Okay, but faster.” Taekwoon gave in and smiled while watching Jaehwan’s delighted expression.

Taekwoon got curious and concentrated at what Jaehwan was drawing. He could recognize the ‘somewhat’ cartoon version of himself and beside him, it seemed like Jaehwan was drawing the cartoon version of himself. They were holding hand and had a big smile on their faces. Taekwoon smiled at the adorable drawing and changed his gaze toward Jaehwan. Jaehwan was furrowing his eyebrows in concentration and smiled a little to himself as he drew. Jaehwan looked stunning even as he did something so trivial like drawing on the sand and Taekwoon couldn’t explained why his heart ached at that time while looking at Jaehwan.

“Finished.” Jaehwan said proudly as he straighten up to see his own masterpiece.

Taekwoon walked to stand beside Jaehwan and looked at the finished drawing. Jaehwan turned to look at Taekwoon’s expression. Taekwoon could feel himself smiling unconciously at the words written below the drawing.

Jaehwan <3 Taekwoon (17.02.2008)

“It wasn’t the date of our anniversary though.” Taekwoon said as he looked at Jaehwan with curiosity.

“Nope. It was the first day I saw you hyung, although I’m sure you wouldn’t remember hehe.” Jaehwan said with a grin.

“Why did you still remember it?”

“Because it was special hyung.” Jaehwan turned and took Taekwoon’s hand in his.

“Hyung, you might not know but you’re very special. You had this special charm that attracted people and made them wanted to know you more.” Jaehwan said while looking into Taekwoon’s eyes, making Taekwoon blushed and shook his head.

“No, it was the opposite. I’m the one who was attracted to you.” Taekwoon said shyly.

“We’re like magnet then hyung.” Jaehwan said with a small laugh and it made Taekwoon laughed too.

Jaehwan took a photo of the drawing on the sand and they finally moved toward the car to go home.

“I’ll drive hyung, you must’ve been tired the whole day.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m not that tired, besides I’m not the one running around the whole day.” Taekwoon said jokingly and moved to the driver’s side but was stop by Jaehwan.

“I still had a lot of energy hyung. On the other hand, you looked tired already hyung.” Jaehwan insisted.

Taekwoon debated with himself whether he should let Jaehwan drive or not. It was already quite dark and he wasn’t sure that both of them would be able to drive through it. Should they just stay the night here and went back tomorrow? Taekwoon was going to voice out his idea but was startled to see that Jaehwan had moved to sit on the driver’s seat in an instant.

“That was cheating.” Taekwoon said with a small pout, feeling unfair.

“All’s fair in love and war hyung. “ Jaehwan grinned and motioned for Taekwoon to get in. Taekwoon sighed at his own defeat and reluctantly got in.

 Leo trembled a little in his sleep as the memories before the car accident came haunting back at him. He always had this same nightmare and he knwe what would come after this but he couldn’t wake up from it.

“Hyung, I’m too bored I think I’ll fall asleep while riding.”

Taekwoon just hummed at the joke because he knew Jaehwan wouldn’t feel asleep while riding. It usually only meant Jaehwan was trying to ask something out from him.

---

“I love you”

---

Jaehwan released one of his hands from the steering wheel and took one of Taekwoon’s hands in his.

Suddenly a cat ran to the middle of the road, surprising both of them. Jaehwan immediately released Taekwoon’s hand and turned the wheel furiously while avoiding the cat. They succeeded on that but the next thing they knew, the car was moving towards the safety fence. Jaehwan tried to step on the break but it was already too late and the next thing happened so quickly. Thir car broke past the fence and slammed hard on to a big tree. Before the slam, Taekwoon turned to see a flash of Jaehwan trying to turn the wheel to the right for the last time so that the car’s left side was damaged more and then everything out.

That last bit memories came back a year after Jaehwan’s death and for the first time Taekwoon finally remembered why Jaehwan didn’t survive the car accident while he did. Even on the brink of death Jaehwan had chosen to save Taekwoon and knowing that hurt more than Jaehwan’s death itself.

He couldn’t belive what he saw right now though because there was no wasy Ravi was sitting inside his bedroom at this moment. He noticed Ravi’s shirt as the one he had designed for the other man himself and a realization came to his mind: the engagement. He glanced at the clock on his beside table and shockingly it revealed that the time right now was almost 10 o’clock. What was Ravi doing here instead of at his own engagement? There was no way that the engagement finished early right?

While Leo’s head was panicked as he thought about all possibilities, Ravi on the other hand, looked calm as though he didn’t have anything important to attend instead of taking care of Leo.

“You’re awake?’ Ravi said as he removed the towel on Leo’s forehead and rinse it.

“Ravi, why are you here? What about the engagement?” Leo asked as he looked at Ravi with guilt.

“Sshh, you shouldn’t talk so much right now. Here, you should eat a little porridge first then had medicine.” Ravi ignored his question as he got a bowl of porridge and lifted a spoon to feed Leo.

“But-“

“Not right now Leo-ah. We’ll talk about it later.” Ravi said sternly, wearing an expression between mad and worry, which Leo couldn’t distinguish clearly.

Leo pushed himself up a little in a sitting position and made a move to take the spoon himslef but Ravi didn’t budge, instead still staring at him. In the end Leo let himself being fed by Ravi. He gave up after the fifth spoon though and couldn’t get himself to swallow anything more. Ravi didn’t press him to eat more too and just placed the bowl back. He got a glass of water and handed Leo his medicine.

“You’ll feel better after you take this.” Leo nodded obediently and took the medicine, with the help from Ravi.

“You should sleep now.” Ravi ordered and helped Leo to lie back on the bed. Leo wanted to protest but he could feel the effect of the medicine immediately, making him drowsy.

“Ravi.” He called out in a whisper carefully, not wanting to wake the other if he was really asleep.

“Yeah?” Ravi opened his eyes a few seconds later.

“Did I wake you?” Leo asked in a small voice, feeling a bit guilty.

“No, I’m just dozing off. Do you need something?” Ravi asked, his voice gentle, unlike earlier. Leo shook his head as an answer.

“I didn’t want to sleep anymore.” Leo said as he made a move to sit up, Ravi immediately helping him.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should get more sleep.” Ravi placed his hand on Leo’s forehead, probably to check his temperature, and he looked satisfied when he pulled away.

“Your fever was gone.”

“I had a fever?” Leo asked in surprised tone, he hadn’t realized it himself.

“Yeah and it was a pretty high one. Don’t even get me started on how you could work without noticing yo’re sick.” Ravi scolded with a frown as he the light. Leo closed his eyes briefly at the sudden brightness and opened his eys to see Ravi standing beside hi m again.

“Do you want to eat anything?” Ravi asked again as looked at Leo. Again, Leo only shook his head and he watched Ravi sat on the chair, looking tired. Ravi must’ve stayed up to take care of him.

“You should rest too.” Leo said as he patted the side of bed beside him to offer for the other. Ravi looked at him as he contemplated for a while but in the end he complied and moved to sit beside Leo on the bed.

“What time is it?” Leo asked suddenly feeling nervous.

“It’s already 1 a.m.” Ravi answered him while gazing at the clock.

Leo stole glances at Ravi and noticed that Ravi’s sleeves was rolled up and his top bottom was undone. That was when he remembered what Ravi was wearing. He was curious about the engagement but didn’t know how to approach the matter.

“Your engagement.” Leo whispered and looked away from Ravi.

Ravi was silence for a while and Leo could feel the tension on the man beside him. He didn’t even dare to look at Ravi’s expression.

“I didn’t go there.” Ravi said finally, letting out a tired sigh.

Leo wanted to ask why but he couldn’t bring himself to ask it so he decided to let it go. Maybe he should just ask another time. That’s when he realized other strange things that happened too. How did Ravi know he was sick and how did he get inside Leo’s apartment?

“How did you know I was sick?” Leo asked curiously while searching Ravi’s face for an answer. Ravi for once, avoided his gaze.

“I just knew.” Ravi answered reluctantly.

“It was Mark right?” Leo guessed. Ravi finally looked at him and sighed.

“Yeah. I didn’t know you’ll realize it so soon.” Ravi said and smiled slightly.

“I knew something was suspicious between you two.” Leo pouted as his guess was right.

“It was for your own good though, look you almost got yourself killed today.” Ravi said jokingly but his face was serious. Leo gulped nervously and looked away, didn’t know how to repond.

“I felt more reassured knowing that he will take care of you in my place.” Ravi’s words cause Leo to blush slightly.

“I’m not a child.” Leo hufted in annoyance, trying to get his blush away.

“Then you shouldn’t act like one.” Ravi said with an affectionate tone, contradicting with his words.

“But I clearly told him not to call you though.” Leo wondered curiously.

“Yeah, he didn’t call me. I’m the one calling him. I thought I should check on you before…” Ravi stopped at the last word and was silence again.

“Then how did you get in here?” Leo asked to change the topic and he could see Ravi getting relaxed again.

“I called N.” Ravi answered simply.

“You called him?” Leo asked feeling a little panick.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him the real reason.”

“What did you tell him?”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Ravi said with a small smirk and Leo blinked unbelievingly at Ravi.

“You must’ve told him something weird that he agreed to give you my passcode.” Leo accussed as he glared at Ravi. Ravi laughed out loud at his reaction.

“What did you imagine?” Ravi asked and raised his eyebrows suggestively, earning a punch to his arm and a blushing Leo. It only made Ravi laughed again though.

“I couldn’t believe you.” Leo muttered and fanned himself with his hand from the embarrassement.

 They were silence for a while as both of them seemed to be on their own mind.

“Is it really okay for you not to be…well, on the engagement?” Leo asked carefully.

“Well, basically no.” Ravi answered shortly after.

“Then why?” Leo looked at Ravi in disbelief, while Ravi only stared straight ahead.

“You already knew it was an arranged marriage. The woman was my Mom’s friend daughter and they suddenly decided we should get married.” Ravi started and Leo listened intently at him.

“Well, actually I could date both woman and man and my family had known from the beginning.” Ravi looked at Leo to see his reaction, but Leo wasn’t reall surprised though. It just seemed like Ravi was the type that could go along with both. But did that mean he was on bad terms with his family because of it?

“No, it wasn’t what you think.” Ravi said with a small smile as he could see what Leo was thinking. “They never said anything against it and they always support whoever I was with. But you see, it was in every parents’ mind to see their kids getting settle and have kids, and I just happened to swing both ways so it wasn’t really a problem.” 

Leo nodded as he started to understand Ravi’s story, while Ravi stared at him for a moment before continuing.

“It has been a while since I had a lover so my mom thought it was a good opportunity to introduce me to someone. She was hoping I’ll fall for her and maybe get married though there were never any forces done. After the first time meeting with Jessie, we both immediately thought we would be a better friends than lover. But then we agreed to it, it wasn’t so bad if we had to marry each other and we could always meet another person even after the marriage.”

Ravi paused to chuckled slightly but it wasn’t a happy sound, more like he thought it was a bad joke and Leo just widen his eyes in shocked.

“It didn’t sound as bad as you thought since we both agreeed to it and the focus of our family was for the marriage so it shouldn’t harm anyone. At that time, my focus was on my carrier and I didn’t really give too much thought about love so I didn’t really care about whom I married and Jessie was a good enough woman.”

Ravi ended and he waited for Leo to say anything. Meanwhile, Leo was silent as he took in all that he had just heard. He felt that he could understand what Ravi had considered.

“You also did it to make your family happy, right?”

“Well, it could also be seen like that.”

“Then I don’t think you made a wrong decision, especially if you’re sacrificing yourself for other people.” Leo said finally as he fidgeted with his sleeves, feeling shy to even give his opinion on it.

“It was nice for you to say that but I didn’t think my sacrifice was still valid after tonight.” Ravi said as he laughed bitterly.

“I’ll canceled off the marriage.” Ravi stated suddenly and it shocked Leo.

“Why?”

“Because I had a reason for it now.”

Leo stared at Ravi for a while, wanting to ask what it was but at the same time he was afraid to hear the answer. it looked like it was just best to leave it for now.

“Will you be alright?” Leo asked worriedly.

“Probably no. I think she would be very angry at me right now.”

“Why? But I thought you said you…” ‘didn’t love each other’, Leo didn’t say the last bits.

“No we didn’t, but she must’ve been angry since I practically abandoned her at the engagement to deal with both our parents alone and didn’t even say anything in advance.” Ravi explained with a chuckle and ruffled Leo’s hair in an affectionate manner. Leo dodged his hand shyly and mumbled to himself.

“I felt bad for her.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ll call to apologize to her later.”

There was a comforting silence between both of them as they fell into their own thoughts.

“You had a nightmare.” Ravi said suddenly and it was Leo’s turn to get tense.

“What did I say?” Leo asked nervously.

“You were just mumbling in your sleep and well you looked uncomfortable. You also…cried.” Ravi said as he looked at Leo but this time it was Leo who avoided his gaze.

“Did you have it often?” Ravi asked again when it felt like Leo wouldn’t talk anything.

“Yeah, especially when I’m depressed.” Leo finally answered with a whisper.

“It’s okay if you didn’t want to talk about it.” Ravi said as he noticed Leo’s mood dropped.

Leo hugged his legs as he pondered for a long time whether he should told Ravi or not. He had kept it for four years and had never told anyone even to N. He felt like his chest would explode with all those guilt and sadness. It was long time before he started talking.

“It was because of me…It was because of me that Jaehwan died.” Leo whispered as tears started to stream down. Ravi only listened in silence.

“If only I had forced Jaehwan to go home earlier…”

“But Jaehwan-ah, the sun was already setting”

 “Just a little more hyung, please?”

“Okay, but faster.”

“If only we had stayed the night there…”

Should they just stay the night here and went back tomorrow?

“If only I didn’t let Jaehwan drive back…”

“I’ll drive hyung, you must’ve been tired the whole day.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m not that tired, besides I’m not the one running around the whole day.”

“I still had a lot of energy hyung. On the other hand, you looked tired already hyung.”

“If only Jaehwan didn’t try to save me…”

Before the slam, Taekwoon turned to see a flash of Jaehwan trying to turn the wheel to the right for the last time so that the car’s left side was damaged more.

“Then Jaehwan wouldn’t have died…It was because of me…I killed him.” Leo broke down in tears as he finally let out what he felt.

“It kept on haunting me back every day and night. Everytime I always had the same dream, that accident. It was like the accident happened hundred times more and it never hurt less. After the accident, it felt like my times stopped and I’m stuck in that time forever, I couldn’t let it go.” Leo managed to say out in between sobs.

“The same scene kept on playing in my dream. Jaehwan who turned the car in the last moment so that I wouldn’t get hit as hard as him. If only he didn’t love me, then he wouldn’t do that. If only we had never met…” Leo closed his eyes as his words trailed off. All this time, he thought of all the ‘what if’ that could happen in which Jaehwan didn’t have to end dead.

Leo tried to calmed himself down but it seemed impossible as tears kept on pouring down. All the time, Ravi was silently listening to him. Then he felt Ravi pulling him into a hug but he couldn’t really resist as he suddenly felt too tired. Ravi his back lightly as he cried on the other’s shoulder.

“It was unfair…Why did I keep on losing everything that I love…” Leo muttered quietly on Ravi’s shoulder as he calmed himself down from the sob.

“They said that time heals all wounds, but no one can told me what I’m supposed to do now. Right now I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I still heard his voice and sensed his presence even though I knew he’s not here. All I can seemed to do was cry. Even though I knew all those things about how time heals wounds, even if I had all the time ine the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.” Leo whispered in Ravi’s shoulder after he calmed down, tears no longer pouring down.

“They told me to move forward, even Jaehwan told me to live on. But how could I do that, knowing that I’ll never again see him? How could I survive a single hour, a single minute, a single second with that fact? How could I Ravi-ah?” Leo closed his eyes and took a long breath as finally for the first time in five years, he voiced out all the things he kept inside. Ravi’s hand on his back moved upward and instead, he was now Leo’s hair lightly.

“Leo-ah, time doesn’t heal emotional pain. You need to learn how to let go.” Ravi said for the first time, his voice deep and somehow it was soothing.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you would never be able to move forward.”

“How?”

“You have to let go. There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It wasn’t yours to judge. Maybe if you didn’t love him, or if he didn’t love you, this never would have happened. But both of you did. And accepting what followed it was a part of letting it go.”

“How could I just let go of Jaehwan? How could I just get rid of him easily from my life?” Leo asked in disbelief as he tilted his head to look at Ravi with a questioning look. Ravi’s hand stopped and he just hold Leo’s head gently while gazing down at Leo.

“Letting go wasn’t getting rid of memories Leo-ah. Jaehwan’s memories will always stay with you. Letting go was making sure that the pain associated with the memories went away.” Leo nodded a little in understanding and felt a little strange at how Ravi was staring deeply at him, so he lowered his head to avoid the gaze.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to do that easily.” Leo whispered, feeling slightly scared as he thought about the suggestion.

“It may sound so simple, but it was never a one –time thing. Just keep letting go, until one day it’s gone for good.” Ravi said assuringly as his hand went back to Leo’s hair.

“Then will you help me?” Leo didn’t know what made him ask Ravi that but it just felt right that Ravi will be the one who helped him to let go. He watched as Ravi’s expression showed he was shocked and he immediately felt embarrassed for asking such a thing.

“Of course.” Ravi ruffled Leo’s hair as he answered with a smile. Leo’s heart bursted with something that he couldn’t describe and he tried to hide a smile forming on his mouth by burying himself into Ravi’s neck.

After calming himself and everything, Leo finally realized what position they were in and blushed a deep red. He quickly pulled away from Ravi’s embrace and avoided looking at the other’s face.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled with embarrassement, fondling with the sleeves of his sweater (?) nervously. Something wasn’t right though.

“It’s okay.” Ravi chuckled at Leo’s suddenly shy gesture but he immediately stopped when he saw Leo’s confused face.

“What’s wrong?” Ravi asked with worry, afraid that Leo was sick again.

“I didn’t think I wore this yesterday.” Leo stated with confusion as he looked at the sweater he wore now. He remembered wearing a shirt yesterday though.

“Oh, I changed it for you. You were sweating so much and your shirt was already wet.” Ravi explained casually as Leo’s eyes widen in shocked.

Leo blinked unbelievingly as the words Ravi said dawn on him and his face, which had cooled down from earlier, immediately went ablaze again. Meanwhile, Ravi smirk slightly at Leo’s expression and he leaned his face closer to Leo, making him nervous.

“What are you imagining again?” Ravi whispered in a teasing tone. Leo stared a while at Ravi’s face which kept on coming closer and he quickly pushed the other away, feeling emabarrassed to death while Ravi laughed, enjoying his tease.

“I did not.” Leo huffed out in annoyance at Ravi’s too happy face.

“It was already so late, or should I say early?” Ravi said after coming down from his high as he looked at the clock and Leo followed him, looking at the clock which showed that it was already almost 3 a.m.

“Come one, you should sleep again. I couldn’t afford to take care of you again if you fell sick again.” Ravi said jokingly as he got out of the bed to turn off the light.

“What about you?” Leo asked as his eyes followed Ravi’s form in the darkness.

“Of course I will sleep too, I’m not vampire you know.” Ravi said with a chiuckle as he went back under the cover.

Leo felt awkward that he had someone sleeping on the same bed with him beside N. That’s when he remembered about N’s competition.

“Ravi-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you have a plan for tomorrow?”

“Not really, why?”

“Do you want to come with me to Glasgow? N participated in a dance competition and he invited you to come over too.”

“Sure.”

Leo turned his body so his back was facing Ravi. He didn’t know if he could sleep while facing Ravi because he was already feeling so nervous now. It was silence for a while as neither of them spoke anymore.

“Ravi-ah.” Leo called out softly, testing if Ravi was already asleep or not. There was no response so Leo thought Ravi was already sleeping. Just then, Ravi finally answered, sounding sleepy.

“Yeah?”

 “What was the song that you usually sang for me?”

“The one to make you sleep?”

“Yes.”

“It was one of my new songs and It was almost finished. I just had to find the perfect voice for it since it wasn’t entirely a rap song.”

“Could you sing it for me?” Leo asked hopefully.

“Okay.” Ravi agreed easily and he immediately hummed to the song.

Leo’s eyes felt heavy as he listened to the familiar melody and he closed his eyes. Ravi’s words of advice still ringing in his head. Would he really be able to let go of Jaehwan and moved on? It almost sounded impossible but he wanted to try for it. He didn’t want Jaehwan to think of him as a burden and couldn’t move on to new life because of him. His conversation with Ravi replaying in his mind before he fell asleep.

“I wished to see him just for one last time, even if it was only in a dream. I want to apologize to him and told him I love him for the last time, but I didn’t even get a chance for that.” Leo confessed sadly as he remembered how much he wished for that to happen, but it had never happened once in the five years time. He had sometimes though maybe Jaehwan blamed him for what happened and didn’t want to see him anymore.

“I don’t think so.” Ravi answered as he Leo’s back in comfort. “Maybe he knew you weren’t ready for that yet. Maybe he had also wanted to see you soon but was waiting for the right time, for you to be able to forgive yourself.”

Jaehwan <3 Taekwoon (17.02.2008 - forever)

Leo felt himself chocked on tears as he nervously lifted his gaze to see a person sitting on the sand while gazing at the sea. Even just from the back, Leo knew all too well who it was and he called out in disbelief.