"Arrghh"

Taekwoon opened his eyes and found himself in a white room. His head was throbbing like crazy and when he tried to move his arms, there were terrible pains shooting up his arms. He blinked a few times to adjust his eyes to the new surrounding and this time, he recognized the place as a hospital. He lifted his head a little and felt no surprise when he saw how his body was. The pain sure has explained everything. Now he knew that his left arm was bandaged and there was an IV set on his right arms. He tried to move his other arm that was not bandaged once again despite the pain and this time he succeeded to touch his throbbing head. His fingers touched the bandage that was wrapped around his head and he cringed a little at the pain.

Despite his arm and head, he didn't seem to be hurt elsewhere. Now the question was how did he end up in a hospital? His eyes scanned the room once more but he still couldn't figure what happened. He successfully sat up from his lying position and heard a distant crying voice. The cries were foreign but familiar at the same times. But for an unknown reason his heart ached so much, like someone has ripped it to pieces. The ache was worse than the pain in his head or his arms. It was like someone has taken away what was precious and important from him. But what it is?

Just then the door was opened and he was staring at a shocked Hakyeon. Hakyeon stood in the doorway, one of his hands was still gripping the door handle. His eyes were widening in surprise and his mouth was opened in a little gap. Taekwoon watched the other opened and closed his mouth as Hakyeon was struggling to speak of something.

"Taekwoon-ah"

Hakyeon said his name in a whisper like he was afraid if he speaks a little more loudly then Taekwoon would disappear. Taekwoon tilted his head a little to the side to indicate that he was listening. He watched as Hakyeon finally calmed down enough and step inside the room. He waited for the other to close the door and when Hakyeon came to sit beside his bed, he immediately searched his friend's eyes for an answer. Hakyeon, though, was stubbornly avoiding his eyes and instead was busying himself to inspect Taekwoon's injuries.

"How did you feel, Taekwoon-ah?"

"What has happened Hakyeon?"

Taekwoon asked instead of answering the latter’s question. He could feel Hakyeon giving in as he let out a tired sigh.

"You didn't remember anything?"

He gave Hakyeon an annoyed look because seriously, why would he ask if he already knew the answer. But instead of scolding the other, he only shook his head as slow as his head could manage.

"You got into an accident. It happened 3 days ago and I got the news as soon as you were brought to the hospital. The police said that the car you were riding broke pass a safety fence and collided with a tree.”

The room was silent as Taekwoon tried to remember any of the memory that Hakyeon just said. Hakyeon too seemed to be in a deep thought and didn’t bother him much like how he should be. After another attempt that was failed, he gave up and decided to let those memories come back itself.

“And then?”

“The doctors said you’ll be alright. You got into a surgery as soon as you’re brought here and nothing was damaged very seriously. But…”

Hakyeon stopped midway in his sentence and Taekwoon finally caught his anxiousness. As he has suspected since Hakyeon came in, the latter seemed different than usual and that did get on his nerves since just now. Now, Hakyeon was looking weirder with how he was playing with his fingers and avoided looking at his eyes. That only means one thing for Taekwoon. Whatever Hakyeon was going to say next would be a lie.

“They said you couldn’t play soccer for a while, the doctors. They said something about a fractured bone or something like that and since you knew I’m bad at biology since kid so yeah…”

For what Taekwoon could hear, Hakyeon was sure trying to avoid telling him about something important. He was going to annoy Hakyeon until the other told him the truth but he lost it the moment he saw his childhood friend’s face. Hakyeon’s eyes have become watery and he looked like he’ll cry any moment now. But instead of bursting out right there, Hakyeon rushed out from his room, mumbling something about telling his parents or something like that. He wasn’t very sure too because all he could think was about Hakyeon’s weird behavior.

A few days later, Taekwoon has been moved to a normal patient room without the IV. It made him feel better because he was sick of the room he first woke up. His room now was brighter and didn’t consist of too much machines that made him felt nauseas every time he looked at them. But a few things still felt out of place. Like how Hakyeon and his parents had this pained and pity look every time they talked to him and how nobody seemed to leave him alone to do things. His body did feel better each day but his heart felt sadder each day. The ache in his heart since the day he woke up never lessens. They kept on piling up and he didn’t know how to solve them. Like a math equation that he used to know how to solve, now it only left a blur memory for him. Sometimes he woke up in the night feeling a terrible lost and it frustrated him more each day for not knowing what it is. Like a puzzle that lost one of its pieces, he was determined to find that final piece.

The next morning, after he ate his breakfast, Taekwoon decided to take a walk out. The air inside his room has gotten stuffier and it didn’t help with his aching heart. So he waited until his parents had left and he made Hakyeon promised him to  borrow him his comic books, which meant Hakyeon has to go home to take them and it left him some times to finally be alone.

Hakyeon was coming out from Taekwoon’s room after helping him with breakfast. Oddly, Taekwoon seemed obedient enough today as he hadn’t mentioned once about going out from his room and although it first seemed weird for him, he decided to let it go. Maybe Taekwoon was just in a good mood today. He didn’t even suspect anything when Taekwoon suddenly asked him to bring his comic books here. He had just taken a few steps when he saw Taekwoon’s father.

“Good morning, ajjushi. Did you have a good sleep yesterday?”

“Ah, Hakyeon-ah, it’s better than those few first nights. I’ve been looking for you.  How was Taekwoon?”

“He’s fine and he seemed to be in a good mood today.”

Hakyeon tried to put on a smile sincere enough because he didn’t want to worry Taekwoon’s parents more than what they have been through. But Taekwoon’s father looked so worried and he knew well why that was.

“Hakyeon, Taekwoon haven’t remembered anything it seemed. I was planning to tell him everything today.”

Mr. Jung’s statement shocked Hakyeon as he hadn’t discussed this with Taekwoon’s parents yet. Clenching his fist, he tried to make himself sound as polite as he could.

“Ajjushi, I don’t think it was a good idea. Taekwoon wasn’t ready yet.”

“We couldn’t wait any longer Hakyeon. Tomorrow is Jaehwan’s funeral and his parents will be expecting Taekwoon there. What would they think if Taekwoon doesn’t show up even on the funeral? They couldn’t be as understanding as when the accident has just occurred.”

“They wouldn’t be like that ajjushi; I knew their family well too.”

“Jaehwan was their son, you wouldn’t know how it felt Hakyeon but I knew well enough that I could make this decision. It was bad enough that Taekwoon didn’t remember anything and didn’t even show up once in this week but it was another thing when their son’s lover didn’t show up on his funeral too.”

“But Taekwoon wasn’t… I am afraid, ajjushi. What if Taekwoon could take it well and he tried to hurt himself? I can’t watch him breaking… I just…”

Hakyeon choked on his tears as he spoke and he tried to hold back his tears. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at Taekwoon’s father. Taekwoon’s father looked very tired and it was the first time Hakyeon realized that the man in front of him who was usually very energetic was actually getting older too. The elder took a breath and his eyes too were glazed with tears.

“Hakyeon-ah, I knew how much you cared for Taekwoon because I watched both of you grew up together but this hurts both me and Taekwoon’s mother too. Ever since the accident, she kept on crying and Taekwoon was our only son. It was bad enough that we had to watch him being in between life and death state and knowing even if he lived he won’t be the same again.”

“Taekwoon loves Jaehwan more than his own life…”

Hakyeon whispered and wiped his tear streaked face with the sleeves of his sweater. Taekwoon’s father gave him a squeeze before he removed his hand from Hakyeon’s shoulder.

Taekwoon had been leaning with his back on the door all the time. When he could feel footsteps getting farther from his room, he immediately slides down and covered his mouth with his hands to stop the cries coming out. Tears were flowing from his eyes and he made no move to wipe them. He wished everything that he heard just now was a dream but somehow he knew everything was real. Flashes of memories began to appear one by one and everything contained the same pictures; the fence, the car’s light, the screeching of the car, when their car crashed with a tree…

“Taekwoon hyung don’t fall asleep, okay?”

“I’m not Jaehwan-ah”

“But you were very quiet hyung.”

Taekwoon chuckled a little and he turned his head from the window to face Jaehwan.

“I’m always quiet Jaehwan-ah, what are you talking about.”

Jaehwan laughed but he kept his eyes focusing on the road.

“Hyung, I’m too bored I think I’ll fall asleep while riding.”

Taekwoon just hummed at the joke because he knew Jaehwan wouldn’t feel asleep while riding. It usually only meant Jaehwan was trying to ask something out from him.

“Sing for me, hyung. I love your voice better that those anonymous singer on the radio.”

“What nonsense are you talking about?”

Taekwoon blushed at the sudden compliment and ducked his head down shyly. Jaehwan averted his eyes a while to look at the elder and he couldn’t help a smile to appear on his face. Even after all this time, his Taekwoon hyung never got used to receive a compliment even if that was from him.

“Hyung”

Jaehwan called out again after a while and Taekwoon tilted his head to the younger.

“I love you”

Taekwoon was stunned by the unexpected statement but he recover immediately.

“I love you too Jaehwan-ah, more than anything.”

Jaehwan released one of his hands from the steering wheel and took one of Taekwoon’s hands in his.

Suddenly a cat ran to the middle of the road, surprising both of them. Jaehwan immediately turned the wheel and tried to stop the car but the car kept on moving and broke the safety fence and went towards a big tree. The next thing they knew, the car crashed to the tree and everything went black.

Taekwoon tried to hit his chest to release the ache inside his heart. Now he knew where all those longings and emptiness came from and what they meant. Jaehwan was gone forever and he wouldn’t be with Taekwoon anymore for the rest of their life like how they promised each other. How was he supposed to continue his life without Jaehwan? How could he continue to live on while Jaehwan had been the one who die? The sky seemed to match his own feeling because it darkens immediately and soon rain were pouring down endlessly like the tears from his eyes. He sat there for a long time and lost in his own sadness.

When Hakyeon came in the room, he was shocked to see how dark was the room and Taekwoon was sitting in a corner of the room hugging his knees, and his head was ducked down between. He carefully approached the other and gently shook his shoulder.

“Taekwoon-ah, what happened? Why are you like this?”

Taekwoon didn’t give him a response and it was worrying Hakyeon, so he crouched down too and tried to shake the other again.

“Taekwoon-ah, why are you here? You’re not supposed to get out of bed for this long and it was cold on the floor.”

“Don’t be like this woon-ah, you’re scaring me.”

Hakyeon started to panic when he still got no response and he was about to get up to look for doctor but Taekwoon grabbed his wrist to stop him. He felt a little relieved because Taekwoon finally gave a response but the sight before him broke his heart. Taekwoon lifted his head slowly, revealing puffy eyes and his cheeks were still wet from traces of tears. But the look in his eyes seemed was something that Hakyeon wouldn’t ever forget in his life. It was the same emptiness like last time when Taekwoon heard that he couldn’t play soccer again. It was Hakyeon’s biggest nightmare and Hakyeon thought he knew why Taekwoon was becoming like this again.

Hakyeon stood there with Taekwoon’s grip still in one of his hand as he waited for the other to speak up. He digs his nail on his other hand to stop the tears that threaten to fall from his own eyes.

“I heard everything.”

Taekwoon said in a whisper and he closed his eyes as fresh tears started to roll down again. Hakyeon’s tears had started to fall too. He released his hand from Taekwoon and crouch down to hug the other.

“Taekwoon-ah, it wasn’t your fault, don’t ever blame yourself please. Nobody knew that it would happen so it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t woon-ah…”

Hakyeon kept on repeating with a sobs and the two best friend cried together until both of them were tired.

After draining their energy on crying, both of them sat leaning on the wall side by side. Hakyeon tried to read the other’s expression but to no avail. Taekwoon only stared blankly at nothing, his expression unreadable. After some time, he finally opened his mouth.

“Hakyeon, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Because I’m afraid, Taekwoon-ah. You’ll blame yourself and do something stupid.”

“But how could I forget?”

“The doctor said it maybe because of the hit from the accident but nobody knew the exact reason. They said maybe you were hurting too much so that’s why your brain decided to block out those sad memories in order to protect yourself from hurting.”

Taekwoon was silent again for some time and Hakyeon, afraid that the other would close himself up again decided to tell something bothering him for some time now.

“I saw Jaehwan after the accident.”

Taekwoon immediately turned to look at him, looking a little surprised.

“I came as soon as I got a call and both of you had just gotten to the hospital too at that time.”

Hakyeon could feel Taekwoon’s eyes on him but he ignored it, instead staring ahead as those fresh like yesterday’s memory came back on him.

Hakyeon was rushing into the hospital, his jacket was worn halfway and his shoes untied. He looked panicked and scared, searching frantically around the hospital for two familiar faces. He had just came back home when he got a call from Taekwoon’s phone. It was odd for Taekwoon to call him unless something urgent happened and his heart immediately felt uneasy. His suspicion was right when the other person speaking on the line didn’t sound like Taekwoon at all. The ajjushi quickly explained to him that he found a car, already smashed from an accident with two young unconscious teenagers inside of it. He also said that he had called ambulance for both of them and he decided to call from one of their phone. As soon as Hakyeon hung up, he immediately rushed out from house, only explained briefly to his mother. He got in a taxi and called both Taekwoon and Jaehwan’s parents.

Hakyeon’s hearts quickened when he heard an ambulance sirens nearing the hospital and his heart fell when he recognized the bodies inside of it. Both Taekwoon and Jaehwan were bleeding a lot and the sights almost made he fainted. But he tried to be strong for them and forcing himself on them instead of the blood. They were immediately brought to emergency rooms and Hakyeon was left waiting alone outside. All those time he spent praying for them until both their parents arrived. His own parents had also come after he called them. Hakyeon and Taekwoon had known each other since they were in diapers and their parents were friends too. Meanwhile, Jaehwan and Taekwoon’s parents had met a few times and both families were supportive of their son’s relationship. All of them sat waiting in the dreadful hallways, waiting for good news.

Not long after that, one of lights outside a room was off and Hakyeon immediately felt uneasy. It was Jaehwan’s room and the doctor’s expression when he came out wasn’t good. All of them immediately when up and surrounded the doctor. Jaehwan’s mother had started tearing up before the doctor spoke.

“How was our Jaehwan?”

“We’re very sorry sir. We’ve done all what we could but the patient’s condition was already worse when he arrived at the hospital. He lost too much blood and the accident because there’s too many damaged to his body.”

Upon hearing this, Jaehwan’s mother’s sobs became louder and Taekwoon’s and his mother had started crying too. Meanwhile Jaehwan’s father looked shocked and speechless. Hakyeon himself was also shocked at the news. He didn’t think that the accident would be this severe.

“The patient was still conscious until now when we left. He woke up some time when we’re working and he insisted to stop the operation because there were things he wanted to say. You could go in to see him.”

The doctor said with an apologetic face before he left while all of them immediately scurried inside the room. The sight inside was heartbreaking as Jaehwan lied on bed with only all those machines that supported his life. Jaehwan opened his eyes when he felt them nearing his bed. He tried to smile a little but it only made his mother’s tears flowed more. Jaehwan spoke slowly as he was trying to conceal the pain he was feeling.

“Mom, dad, I’m sorry, I couldn’t be a good son enough for you. I couldn’t even repay all your love for me all this time yet I’m leaving like this and making both of you sad.”

“No, Jaehwan-ah, you were already a good son.”

Jaehwan’s mother said before she moved aside in order to not let Jaehwan saw her crying. His father also went to console his mother. Then Jaehwan set his eyes on Hakyeon and Hakyeon immediately moved closer to Jaehwan’s bed. His own tears had already started falling since he stepped inside the room.

“Hakyeon hyung”

“Yes, Jaehwan-ah”

“Thank you hyung for caring for me all this time, I won’t be able to thank you enough. I still remember when you helped me from all those bullies back in high school.”

Hakyeon shook his head as his tears kept flowing out. He remembered those memories well too. Back in high school, Jaehwan was often bullied because he looked like a nerd and Hakyeon couldn’t stand that kind of act so he decided to help Jaehwan.

“And thanks to you too hyung I could meet Taekwoon hyung.”

Hakyeon closed his eyes as he remembered how he tried to persuade Taekwoon to help him rescuing Jaehwan. Even from their first meeting, there were already spark between both of them. When Hakyeon opened his eyes, he could see that Jaehwan’s tears had started to fall too.

“Hakyeon hyung, please tell Taekwoon hyung….that I really love him and I beg for his forgiveness because I’ll leave him first. I’m sorry because I wouldn’t be able to accompany him for the rest of our 2 years university life, I wouldn’t be able to graduate with him from university, I couldn’t move in with him after graduated, I couldn’t work together with him like how we promised each other and I’m sorry for breaking all of our promises together. More importantly, I’m sorry I couldn’t be on his side for the rest of our lives.”

By the end of Jaehwan’s words everyone in the room were already crying hard. Hakyeon himself was already sobbing messily as he tried to speak between his sobs.

“D-don’t say it like that Jaehwan-ah. I’m sure Taekwoon also knew how much you loved him.”

Jaehwan shook his head a little but he stopped when another pain surged through his body.

“Hakyeon hyung, please don’t let Taekwoon hyung blame himself. I don’t want him to hurt himself and he should live his life for me. Tell him to find a nice person and don’t wait for me. If god allows it, we’ll be together on the next life.”

Jaehwan already looked sleepy and he smiled for everyone before he closed his eyes and slept forever. Before that he whispers a last sentence.

“Thank you everyone for loving Lee Jaehwan.”

As Hakyeon finished, he hadn’t realized that his face was already wet from tears again. Beside him, Taekwoon was crying silently.

“He loved you that much too woon-ah.”

“Let him go, Taekwoon-ah, and promised me that you’ll lived for both of you.”

The next day was a blur for Taekwoon as he attended Jaehwan’s funeral and met Jaehwan’s parents for the first time after the accident. Jaehwan’s mother hugged him tightly and his father patted him on the back. They were trying to give Taekwoon an assuring smile but he couldn’t give them any as he wasn’t sure how his life would be from now on.

After all those chaos, he tried to calm himself down on a nearby park. He sat down on a benches and he could feel the wind blowing softly on his face. Jaehwan wanted him to live his normal life again but he forgot that he was the source of Taekwoon’s smile ever since he knew the other. Now without Jaehwan around, he wasn’t sure he would be able to smile anymore, let alone a laugh. Jaehwan wanted him to love other person again while he had already gave all of his heart for the other, which was another impossible thing to be done. They all told him to let Jaehwan go but how could he do that if Jaehwan couldn’t come back again to return his heart. They told him that everything will be alright again but they didn’t know the most right thing for him was Jaehwan, so how could everything be alright anymore?

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as other sets of winds blow on his direction, bringing the sweet scents from the flower in the park. Opening his eyes, he whispers softly to the wind.