Chan was hurrying to class when he saw him, ducking almost furtively through the crowd, the rim of his snapback pulled low over his eyes. And though he told himself that couldn't be him - that hyung he knew wouldn't look so...dubious, skulking about as he did - still, Chan gave into impulse and called out.

"Jisoo-hyung?"

The figure froze, and slowly, almost reluctantly he turned towards him. Chan had to control his expression so his lips wouldn't fall open in shock. Be understanding, Chan. Understanding.

"You look horrible, hyung."

Ok, that came out a lot more frank than he intended.

"I mean-" He added hurriedly, seeing how Jisoo smiled rather resignedly at his comment. "-not horrible, just..." Like you had a particularly interesting night last night, but he bit his tongue on such a statement. Jisoo certainly wouldn't approve. "...tired?"

Jisoo rubbing his eyes with his hands only brought home the point. "Yeah. Just got back from an all-nighter." He explained, tone full of innocence. He even clasped his hands together, as if that was supposed to project an image of purity and blamelessness.

Now the thing is, Chan wasn't a suspicious person by nature, but he definitely wasn't stupid (and Jisoo wasn't that gifted an actor, if he were being honest.) "Really? You were studying in the residential part of the campus?" Chan asked doubtfully, glancing back at the line of college dorms behind the elder - the only structures that occupied this part of the school. "I mean, you don't live there so you would have to stay in someone else's room-" He trailed off before his eyes lit up in excitement.

"Were you with Jeonghan-hyung? Are you both back to together?"

Chan knew the moment he messed up when Jisoo's expression shuttered, but then his elder immediately caught himself and tried to force a smile upon his face. "No, Chan. We're not." His voice was gentle, as if he were trying to cushion the blow for the younger boy, when in fact the pain reflected in his own gaze was the one that was far too tangible, there for all to see.

Chan didn't like the finality in Jisoo's tone - as if such a thing were an impossibility, an unrealistic outcome - and just as he opened his mouth and stepped forward to say so, tell him they could (would) get back together, Jisoo reached out and clasped him tightly on the shoulder.

"I don't want to talk about this, Chan. Please." Chan almost flinched hearing the way Jisoo's voice cracked on the last word, his composure visibly shaken. "Things between Jeonghan and I..." He swallowed thickly. "...forgive me if I put a cliche to it, but things are complicated." He gave the younger boy a weak smile, as if trying to lighten the mood.

Chan's head bobbed in acquiesce, though he couldn't help but feel put out - his expression a clear giveaway. Jisoo felt his heart twinge in guilt, seeing the younger boy's downcast features, the way his fingers twisted the straps of his backpack. He never wanted to bring his - their - friends into this entire mess, but he knew it was inevitable. They'd been such an inseparable group for so long, and in many ways these boys have become, without dispute, his true and most precious family.

Jisoo's eyes hooded.

(family, such a loaded word - he couldn't help but smile bitterly.)

"Are you heading to class? You don't want to be late." It was a clear cop out on Jisoo's part, but thankfully Chan didn't press the matter.

"I'll be on my way then, hyung." Jisoo nodded somewhat distractedly at his reply - his gaze already somewhere far ahead, his thoughts even a greater distance - when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, a little 'oof' escaping his lips in surprise.

"See you, hyung." Chan's voice was muffled against his chest, and Jisoo's heart stuttered from the sweetness of the gesture. Before he could reciprocate however, Chan had already dashed away, his voice clear and youthful as he yelled. "Bye hyuuuung, I love youuuuuu~"

Jisoo hadn't felt a smile that genuine in a long time.

While his encounter with Chan, at least the last part of it, put a small grin on his face - it slowly began to falter as he walked, step by step up his apartment staircase.

Jihoon was going to kill him.

(no kill seemed too far kind a word right now - he was going to eviscerate him.)

Jisoo took his time slipping his key into the lock, turning it with incremental movements of his hand. He gave the same care to pushing open the door, wincing when it let out a soft creak - Jihoon was attuned to the smallest of noises, which one of the reasons why he chose the soft-spoken and even-tempered Jisoo as his roommate in the first place.

"Jisoo-hyung?" Jisoo sighed, hearing the younger call out to him. Of course Jihoon would hear him coming in - he shouldn't have even tried to be secretive about it. Pushing the door open fully, Jisoo stepped into the apartment, meeting Jihoon's pointed stare with a weak smile.

"How are you, Jihoon-ah?" He tried to inject some false cheerfulness into his tone. "Already up and about I see." He threw in a jovial hand wave for effect.

From the expression in the younger boy's face though, he was having none of it.

"You didn't come home last night, hyung." It was delivered as a statement, without any room for explanations or excuses (not that Jisoo had any anyway, but some wiggle room would have been nice.)

Still, Jisoo sighed inwardly - sometimes, he wondered if he should remind Jihoon that in fact he was the hyung in the situation, but he'd never been comfortable holding his age over all the younger people in their group, preferring to be seen as a peer rather than a senior. Hansol had said it was more of an American thing, and even some mindsets Jisoo couldn't shake.

"Soonyoung needed my help with something." It was as vague as he could get while still remaining truthful. At least no one could ever accuse Hong Jisoo of telling tall tales, even if they were for his benefit (or in this case, his continued time on this earth - if Jihoon's expression was anything to go by.)

"I see." So much meaning in those two words, the younger's change in inflection. "So you decided to stay in Soonyoung and Wonwoo's place last night?" Jisoo could tell Jihoon was going somewhere with this question, but for the life of him he couldn't figure it out - so all he did was slowly nod and brace himself for the inevitable.

"Interesting. Too bad we didn't see each other there, since I decided to have dinner with Wonwoo and Mingyu last night." Jihoon's tone was utterly casual, but still to Jisoo it felt like he hammered a nail home with each word.

Jisoo felt his face turn bright red, having been caught in a lie. Already, stammered apologies were at the tip of his tongue, when Jihoon spoke once more.

"You were with Jeonghan-hyung, weren't you?"

Jisoo's utterly miserable expression confirmed it, and Jihoon let out a noisy exhale of frustration. "I thought we already talked about this, hyung." He spoke severely, a scowl on his face and arms crossed over his chest. (it should have helped Jisoo that Jihoon was currently dressed in a fluffy purple sweater and was several centimeters shorter than him, yet those facts didn't detract one bit from his dongsaeng's scariness.)

"I didn't go looking for him-" Jisoo tried to defend himself. "-it's just one thing led to another, and by no choice or doing of my own-" Something he couldn't help but emphasize. "-I ended up spending the night at his place."

(he didn't tell, couldn't tell Jihoon, that despite being terribly hungover that morning, waking up next to Jeonghan, as if nothing had changed between them, was one of the best things that had happened to him in recent memory.)

Jisoo bit his lip, avoiding Jihoon's gaze as if the younger could suddenly read his thoughts.

"Do we have to talk about this now? I don't feel well, Jihoon-ah." Jihoon's brow furrowed, and for the first time he noted the signs of tiredness in his elder's expression - the tight lines and shadows that outlined his features. Jihoon felt his heart start guiltily, but he promised himself that he would remain firm, steadfast. They had to talk about this sooner or later, and with the way things were going it seemed another intervention was in order, and quickly.

"I know, hyung - it's hard to talk about these things." Jihoon's tone had gentled somewhat, but his gaze remained perfectly serious. "But you can't keep doing this, interacting with Jeonghan this way, as if he's still your boyfriend, if you don't plan to get back together. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you."

"I don't-" Jisoo began, but Jihoon quickly cut him off.

"Don't what, hyung? Still have his number saved in your phone 'in case of emergencies'? Ask Seungcheol for weekly updates to see how Jeonghan is doing in his classes? Drop everything and go to him in the middle of the night when he needs your help?" Jisoo felt himself falter with each accusation, though Jihoon didn't say his words with any real bite.

"It's been two months, hyung." Jihoon reminded him softly, his eyes filled with concern. "And while I don't expect you to move on in such a short time, it's as if you don't even try."

At that, Jisoo let out a strangled laugh.

"I'm trying Jihoon. Oh god, you cannot imagine how hard I'm trying." Jisoo's voice was uncharacteristically desperate, his fingers raking agitatedly through his hair. "I know I was the one who broke up with Jeonghan, I know I was the one who ended things between us and messed it all up, and yet with every breath left in me I can say for certain that I still-" He caught himself just in time, the words, such large, encompassing words, ending up stuck in the middle of his throat.

From the somber look in Jihoon's eyes, he knew already what Jisoo left unsaid.

-I still love him.

(of course I do.)

I still honest to god love him.

"I don't know if I can stop, Jihoon." Jisoo suddenly choked out, wringing his hands. "I don't know if I'll ever get over him, if I'll ever not see him and just simply want to be with him. I don't think I'm capable of letting him go, but I have no damn choice-" His words became a flood, a torrent, and Jihoon, by then in a panic, didn't know what to do in such face of overwhelming emotion...

...so he gave into instinct simply reached out and wrapped his arms around him, making useless shushing noises as if that could assuage the pain the other boy felt in his chest, a vise around his heart.

"I'm sorry, Jisoo-hyung." Such inadequate words. Such ing inadequate words. "I'm so so sorry." And inside, Jihoon railed at the circumstances, at the hand that had forced his hyung into a corner with no other visible way out. Trapped. Caged.

(some part of him wanted them to see, firsthand, how much they'd broken him, the one thing they were supposed to love above all else.) 

 And though Jihoon never believed in such things, not for himself, not for his future...

...he desperately prayed, at that moment, that things would go well for them both.

Please.

Part of Jisoo still couldn't believe he broke down in such a way; never did he realize how utterly breakable he was, not until that moment. He had to give his thanks to Jihoon, who'd successfully calmed him down and brought him to his room (like a child, he couldn't help but think, but by that point he was too far gone to care), advising in a soft soothing voice that he should take some time to rest.

While Jisoo knew he only got a momentary reprieve from their inevitable talk, he was grateful all the same as he sank down onto his bed with a tired groan and tried to fall asleep.

Except sleep, as exhausted as he was, wouldn't come.

And the reason it eluded him?

Silky hair fisted in his hands, a candy-flavored embrace, strong arms around his waist and fingers tugging incessantly at belt loops.

Laughter, both slow and rushed, out loud and in whispers. A glow to their shared expressions and secretive smiles, eclipsing any other moment.

Conversations that went no where and everywhere, into the wee hours of the morning, that the sound of each other's voices became the lullaby they fell asleep to and the first thing they heard when they woke up.

Could he call such things memories? They were more of sensations really, things etched into his skin more than floating around in his head, as tangible as a touch but as elusive as a half-awake dream.

Jisoo almost chucked at the poetic direction of his thoughts - perhaps melancholy did breed creativity, someway, somehow. Stretching his arms overhead, he already knew no matter how tired his body was, his mind was far too awake and lucid - and ready to wander wherever, about whomever.

Though it was clear from his initial musings alone who occupied the forefront of his mind.

...

Once, on a whim, he told Jeonghan he had a weird laugh.

"It's sort of nasally." Jisoo explained, unperturbed by his boyfriend's offended expression. "And loud. Exceedingly so. From the volume alone, I can tell how far you are from me, or if you're just around the corner." His tone turned teasing, and Jeonghan's pout if possible deepened even more.

"That's horrible, Jisoo." He whined, latching onto his arm and tugging at it. Jisoo's gaze was filled with amusement as he took in Jeonghan's petulant expression. "I don't have a weird laugh. Take it back."

"Hey, I didn't say I didn't like it." Jisoo pointed out, laughing softly when Jeonghan rolled his eyes.

"You said it was weird, and that immediately implies you don't like it." The blonde said accusingly. "That is, unless-" Jeonghan squinted his eyes at him, to gauge his reaction. "-you're lying just to get a rise out of me."

"Nope." Jisoo spoke cheerfully, keeping Jeonghan by his side with a firm arm around his waist, already predicting the other boy was going to huff and move away at his statement. "It's weird, and sometimes inappropriate, but it's also one of the things that are unique about you, one of the many things-" Jisoo paused, his voice going soft, shy.

" -that I love about you."

Jeonghan gaped openly at him, rendered speechless for a few moments. Jisoo in turn worried at his lip, waiting somewhat nervously for his reply. Had he gone too far, too fast?

"That's the first time you're going to use the word love with me?" The blonde asked in disbelief. "After you say I have a weird laugh?"

Jisoo let out a light snort, his hand going up to cover his mouth mid-laugh. Jeonghan didn't look as amused as he, but Jisoo could detect the small twinkle in the other boy's eyes.

"Yes, is that a problem?" Jisoo grinned cheekily, his eyes crinkling up in the corners, and when Jeonghan wrinkled his nose in reply Jisoo couldn't help but lean forward and plant a small kiss on its tip.

...

Jeonghan groaned, throwing himself on Jisoo's bed as soon as he entered the other boy's room, immediately burying himself in the thick covers. "I'm sooo tired!" He complained, twisting so he lay on his back, causing the blanket to wrap snugly around his frame. "Why am I so tired?" It was clearly a rhetorical question, yet still Jisoo answered automatically.

"I don't know. Life? School? People?" Jisoo spoke absentmindedly from his position at his desk, his eyes fixated on the screen of his laptop. His fingers flew across the keys as he typed out his latest essay (one in a long string of tiring assignments), the familiar movement of his hands enough to keep his lids from sliding shut.

Somewhat.

Jisoo blinked blearily, trying to ignore the beginnings of a headache at his temples.

"Aren't you tired?" Jeonghan asked pointedly, moving up slightly so he leaned on his elbows, his gaze trained on the other boy's back. All he received in return however was a light shrug, Jisoo not even turning his head to look at him.

"Jisoo. Don't ignore me." Jeonghan said loudly, his previous claims of tiredness gone as he devoted his full attention to his boyfriend. "How long have you been at that report?" Jisoo made a noncommittal sound (though his mind said - hours, days, weeks, who pays attention at this point), and before he knew it a familiar pair of arms wrapped around his neck, Jeonghan's voice so close to his ear making him flush.

"Come rest with me, Jisoo." He spoke softly, settling his chin comfortably on his shoulder. "Just a few minutes - clear your head for a bit." He cajoled, squeezing Jisoo's shoulders gently.

Jisoo felt the tenseness of his body melt with Jeonghan's mere proximity, though he didn't tell him that - it would negate his next point.

"I'm fine, Jeonghan. I have to finish." Yet despite his words, he didn't pull away from the other boy's embrace and Jeonghan knew his boyfriend well enough that he only had to wait a few seconds...

Three.

Two.

One.

"Fine." Jisoo acquiesced, and Jeonghan bit back a smile. "Just for a few minutes." He said, allowing Jeonghan to draw him from the chair and towards the bed. "Okay, Jeonghan? I have to get my work done." Jisoo spoke anxiously.

"Just for a few minutes." Jeonghan reassured him, before pulling him down onto the bed and snuggling up comfortably at his side. "Just a few minutes." He repeated again, this time softer.

In the end, a few minutes had turned into a good hour, but when Jisoo woke up with Jeonghan's body curled up around his, he had nothing truly to complain.

...

He could see the panic in Jihoon's eyes as the younger boy crouched before him backstage, and though he wanted to say he was ok, say he was completely fine, he couldn't stop his frantic breathing long enough to reassure his dongsaeng.

I'm having a panic attack - some detached part of him registered. I'm actually having a panic attack. It was Jisoo's last coherent thought, his rationality drowned out by the telltale roaring in his ears.

His fingers clenched spasmodically, the strings of his guitar digging into the soft skin of his palms. How could he feel everything at once, yet perceive nothing at all - he couldn't say. The cold sweat that broke out on his brow, the solid hammering of his pulse at his throat, the way the room seemed to swirl dizzily across his vision...

...Then his face, his familiar features and hands reaching out to cup his cheeks, forcing him to look at him, though for some unfathomable reason his touch remained infinitely gentle.

"Jisoo." Jeonghan whispered softly, his voice an anchor. A lodestone.

"Breathe, Jisoo, breathe. I'm here."

...

Jisoo groaned and flipped onto his stomach, burying his face into his pillow. So many memories flashed across his mind, bits and snippets of all their years together, and he didn't know whether what feeling was more acute - the tenderness each moment brought, or the heartache they inspired when he thought they'd never happen again.

He pressed the heels of his hands onto his lids, his breathing going ragged.

Jeonghan had become such an essential part of his life, such an immutable part of his existence, that sometimes he forgot that he wasn't supposed to call him anymore, wasn't supposed to talk to him anymore. Wasn't supposed to spend every moment with his face hovering at the back of his mind, his sweet cadence echoing in the shell of his ear.

All imaginings, nothing more, but Jisoo knew without a doubt that every detail was accurate, down to the smallest freckle and most indistinguishable inflection.

He'd never loved anyone else, after all.

(if only they understood.) 

Jeonghan was quiet, too quiet, and Seungkwan was clearly the most flummoxed by his silence as he tried desperately to draw their elder into some semblance of conversation.

"Do you have any plans for today, hyung?" Seungkwan asked, gaze intent on the blonde's face. Jeonghan merely shrugged lightly in reply, continuing his apparently fascinating exchange with the (already cold) food in front of him.

Hansol and Chan couldn't help but exchange a glance.

"So what did you do last night, hyung?" Hansol eventually ventured, and that surprisingly enough got a reaction. Jeonghan's gaze snapped to the younger, glaring almost as he regarded him, before he want back to picking at his half-eaten meal. "Nothing. I was alone in my room." Jeonghan muttered, tone somewhat sulky.

Now, it was all three boys exchanging furtive glances.

"Really?" Chan piped up, feeling his nerves act up from what he was going to do...but hell, he was going to do it anyway. "Are you sure you were alone last night? Then it's just a coincidence that I saw Jisoo-hyung this morning, coming from the direction of your dorms?" Chan's expression was entirely innocent, Seungkwan and Hansol's were shocked, and Jeonghan's...

...Chan's swallowed. It was a touch murderous.

"Are you implying anything, Chan?" Jeonghan asked silkily, and from behind him Seungkwan and Hansol were waving at him frantically, miming that he should stop or he'd most likely expire from their hyung's wrath. Ignoring his friends, Chan forged on bravely, though he was already mentally preparing a list of things he'd like to take with him to his next life.

"Nothing hyung. I was just asking if you happened to encounter Jisoo-hyung in the area. Last night. Just wandering about. Or perhaps he was visiting someone else..."

Unfortunately for Jeonghan, Chan knew exactly how to push his buttons after all their years of friendship, because he predicted immediately what his elder would say even before he spat it out, eyes flashing. "Jisoo wasn't with anyone last night but me."

And it only hit Jeonghan that he committed a grave mistake when Seungkwan let out a barely concealed, high-pitched squeal.

"I'm sorry, hyung." Seungkwan apologized immediately, seeing the way Jeonghan groaned and buried his face in his arms. "I shouldn't have done that." Seungkwan then schooled his expression accordingly, but from the way he squirmed in his seat next to him Hansol knew the other boy wouldn't be able to hold it in any longer...

"...No - I take that back. I'm not sorry." Hansol almost sighed - I knew it. "Rather, I'm curious. What exactly do you mean by Jisoo-hyung being with no one else last night but you?" Seungkwan leaned forward, gaze expectant, Hansol struggled to hide his own curiosity, and Chan's expression hovered between anticipation and apprehension at his hyung's answer. 

(he was right to be afraid. Jeonghan was going to kill his dongsaengs.)

"He got drunk. I happened to be there. I took care of him." Jeonghan spoke, voice clipped, knowing he'd have to give them something or they wouldn't back off. "Happy?" He arched a brow, looking at each boy pointedly.

"Not at all." They chorused in unison, an act that had Jeonghan rolling his eyes slightly, though his irritation with them had softened somewhat (rarely could he hold onto his temper in regards to these three.) Which they probably already knew, Jeonghan thought sourly, if their growing boldness was any indication.

"Jisoo-hyung got drunk last night-" 

"And you just happened to be the one to find him-"

"And he ended staying the night-"

They all spoke at once, though they were exclaimations more than questions really, so Jeonghan didn't feel the need to reply (not that he wanted to), until one cut out clearly, distinctively through the din. 

"Does this mean you're getting back together, hyung?" Seungkwan's voice was uncharacteristically soft as he said this, his words utterly tentative though hopeful.

(so incredibly, incredibly hopeful that Jeonghan felt it like a knife twisting in his gut.)

"No." He didn't know how a single word could have so much gravity, but the heaviness it lent to the air seemed almost palpable, a true weight on his shoulders. "No, it doesn't."

There was a few, seemingly endless moments of silence after that, where Jeonghan did his best not to look at the three of them, knowing for certain that he'd break down if he did. Some part of him wanted them to leave him alone, so he could wallow miserably in his own thoughts, but the other part of him wanted to beg them to stay, as if they could give him strength where pitifully he had none.

"Jeonghan-hyung." There was something about Seungkwan's tone then that even his elder couldn't ignore, and when his eyes met that of his dongsaeng's across from him he realized it was the first time he'd ever seen Seungkwan look so perfectly and utterly serious. "Hyung, I know you don't want to talk about it...but I truly think the question needs asking."

Seungkwan took a deep breath, looking briefly at Hansol and Chan for their support, before asking, his voice pitched low - almost a murmur, really.

"How did you and Jisoo-hyung break up?"