Being the definition of a pretty boy, Jeonghan grew up having to defend his uality.

"I'm not gay," he told the boys in his school who bullied him for looking prettier than the girls in their year.

"I'm not gay," he told the girl he has been wanting to ask out for months.

"I'm not gay," he told the other trainees in Pledis who would eventually become his entire world.

But sometimes, the world doesn't care about what you want, and it just finds ways to laugh at you.

It wasn't a specific event, there wasn't a point he could think of that he started to think, "oh, maybe I might be gay". And there was certainly no moment he could point out that he started to see Seungcheol not as the adorable hyung, the loving leader of their to-be group, but as a guy that occupied all of his thoughts.

But if he had to think of the moment he stopped caring about what people thought, it was probably when Wonwoo and Mingyu revealed to the others that they were in a relationship. Growing up assumed gay, Jeonghan  never really stopped to think of what real gay people were like. Seeing his completely normal dongsaengs, being not only open about their uality but actually happy to explore it, it made him realize that maybe, just maybe, being gay wasn't something that only pretty boys were and it wasn't a problem he had to deal with.

Because, after all, he wasn't even gay.

But then, maybe he wasn't straight either.

When Seungcheol came out to them, it wasn't anything surprising or exciting, but it made Jeonghan think. If he was gay, surely it was nothing to be scared of, right?

And then the thinking started to become more frequent, coming not only when he looked at him but when he wasn't even there, and then when Jeonghan was sleeping. The dreams were the worst part, always waking him to a sense of comfort that he never felt before, and yet he felt more and more trapped.

"I'm not gay," he told himself in the mirror every morning and every night. "I'm not gay," he repeated into his pillow when he couldn't sleep, the thoughts of the other boy filling his mind like fog. "I'm not gay," he said over and over every time he had to shut himself alone in the bathroom, ignoring the annoyed shouts of his soon-to-be-bandmates.

"I'm not gay," he told Seungcheol, one night after they have been practicing for hours and hours, finally taking a break to lie on the cold wooden floor of their practice room. "But, if I was, would you date me?"

The smile of the older boy as he said that, of course he would, why would anyone not want to date him? It was enough to keep him awake that night, even though he was exhausted, their debut date is getting ever nearer.

"I'm not gay," he mumbled as he crawled into Seungcheol's bed one night when he couldn't sleep, the anxiety of their debut showcase making his heart race so much he had to be held in order to calm himself.

"I'm not gay," he said between light kisses and of his hair, engulfed by the scent and warmth of the other boy. Their showcase was a success and they were celebrating their upcoming debut broadcast late into the night.

It has been getting harder to pretend, even to himself, that he didn't care about the boy as much as he did. Everyone noticed it by now, although no one seemed to mentioned it or even really care, everyone too preoccupied by their debut to care about anyone's relationship.

But Jeonghan cared. He cared because it wasn't like him, it wasn't anything he planned or expected to happen, and he was confused with his own happiness. But he couldn't stop himself from thinking, doing, caring.

"I'm not gay." He told Seungcheol for the millionth time, lying tangled with him on his bed, looking right into his huge brown eyes. "But I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than I have ever loved any girl."

A kiss, a hug, a hand through his long hair. It didn't matter if he was gay or not. Because, for the first time in his life, he was absolutely, without any doubt, just happy.