10/03

Running in the rain didn't sort the effect I wanted. Or better, it had more consequences than I expected. I caught a bad fever, and I had to rest at home for ten long days... as if the mess I had created wasn't already enough. But there was a positive thing: I had the time to think about my attitudes and decide what to do next. I understood that I had acted wrong and badly towards the guys. They didn't deserve it, exspecially from a Starlight... I had been a really bad fan. Leader N would be so disappointed... So I had to say sorry.

So, when I came back to school I had quite clear ideas. I wanted to look for the guys and ask them if they could forgive my attitude; but I didn't want to tell them about being a Starlight yet: they were there for school, and they didn't need any distraction. Plus, even if I felt ready to face my classmates' insinuations, I thought I wouldn't have been able to bear everything: it was already difficult giving up my pride, since I'm a very stubborn person. And anyways it would have been awkward to expose my love for them after two weeks of being terrible. I wasn't even sure if they would have accepted a Starlight like me... Well, I didn't even know if they would have forgiven me, to begin with. The only thing I knew was that I had to be honest and say sorry.

But things weren't meant to go that easy. All of them avoided me when I entered the classroom, and only Hakyeon asked me, coldly, if I felt better, then went away quickly. I met Hongbin's eyes during the break, and I saw his big sufference and disappointment, which made me feel worse and worse. Then Hyuk saw me and came to take his hyung away.

I had to wait until the end of the fourth hour to be able to approach them. I wanted to speak with all the team, because I had hurt everyone in some way. So, when they were all gathered to speak, I came closer and, holding my breath and my tears, I started to speak.

- Guys... Can I talk with you all for a few minutes?

Hyuk: - No, don't you see we're busy? Go away.

Taekwoon: - We don't need to talk, things are quite clear I guess.

- But... It's kind of important...

Hyuk: - Yes it's kind of important to harm us again huh? What do you want? Since we're not coming to you, you come to us? Aren't you satisfied yet?

- I... I don't want to harm you. I won't do that. I swear...

Hyuk: - As if I could believe you. Go away. We were fine until you came!

Wonsik: - Hyukkie, don't be so rude. I know she's been terrible, but she definitely doesn't want to do anything now. Look at her.

Jaehwan: - Yes, she's like a different person...

Hakyeon: - Speak, we will listen. But be aware that if you say anything bad, I won't forgive you.

Hyuk: - Hyung! Aish, why are you so weak? She has been mean at us since the beginning and....

Hongbin: - Everyone deserves a second chance. But speak quickly, we have things to do.

- Y... yes. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused during the past week. I... I was afraid of my old classmates' opinions and... I behaved really bad to you... I am unforgivable, I know that a few words can't repair the mean things I did and say, but believe me, please. I am really sorry, I promise this won't happen again. I promise I won't bother you anymore, I promise to disappear from your lifes and to come back only if you need help with the language. If you don't want to see me, I will understand, and I swear I will not approach you unless you approach me first... I will be nice, from now on, I will show you my true side... The girl you met last week was the last ghost of a bad person who should have died when she graduated. Again, I know my words aren't enough to repair the mistakes I did, but please, forgive me. I am really sorry.

Hongbin: - Is that all?

Hyuk: - I don't believe a single word. Now go away.

As expected, they weren't going to forgive me that easily. I nodded, bowed and went away. I did the right thing, it was obvious that things would have been that way... therefore, why was I feeling so frustrated? Why did it hurt so much? I couldn't really have believed in the miracle to become friends with them after all the trouble I caused... Yet, I was suffering. I wanted to cry. Well, nobody's gonna come to you anyways, so why not?

I exited the classroom and ran towards an hidden spot in the school's garden, a spot that I was the only one to know. And I cried all the tears I had. I cried because I acted like a sixteen years old, because I ruined the guys' school month, because I felt ashamed of myself. I cried because VIXX are an always smiling group and I wouldn't have been able to see their happy faces, and because Hyukkie, our little cute maknae Hyukkie, hated me from the deep bottom of his heart. I cried because even N was angry at me, our always caring and nice leader... and I cried because Hongbin was cold, terribly cold, and I had lived because of his smile, the dimple smile that brightened my days, the smile that I caused to fade. It was all my fault, I was a terrible person. My last tears were more like prayer than desperation tears. I really hoped them the best, and to forget the whole thing...

- Please, when they come back to Korea, let them have all the good things. Let them reach the success they deserve, and let them smile brightly as they always did. I want their tears to be only joy tears, I would never be able to see them like this again...

- So you have a heart, and a really good one...!

- Wh... what are you doing here? How did you find me?

- I wanted to stay alone for a bit, and I like this spot, but when I came here I heard some noises and someone murmuring... I was going to look for another place, but then I recognized your voice and... Well I guess I have been too rude, haven't I?

- You? Rude? Hongbin-ssi, I have ruined your days and you say you are the rude one?

I couldn't believe what I heard. After all the mean things I did, he was the one apologizing? Really, Lee Hongbin, you are too much. I don't even deserve your attention and, still, you care? He squatted down in front of me, so that our eyes were at the same level, and offered me a paper tissue.

- Come on, no need to cry. I was very cold before, I am sorry, but I really was disappointed for the last days' events, then I got worried because you disappeared for ten days, ad then I was surprised for your sudden change of behaviour and...

- Hongbin-ssi, please, don't say you are sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness... I have been a ty person, so please, just do like Sanghyuk-ssi and ignore me... That's what I deserve for my attitude... I was so childish I couldn't even control my emotions and I acted very bad, but believe me, I am not that person... I don't really deserve your forgiveness... Go away, I am a stupid person and maybe I could hurt you again, I am afraid even of myself after all this...

He bursted out laughing. I... I can see your smile again! Thank you... I started to cry again, half still sorry and half relieved. He was laughing... That laugh was like a medicine for me: so heartwarming, but still painful because I knew it wasn't deserved.

- Selene, first of all cut the formalities. I hate people calling me with my full name, so "Bean" is enough. Second, I see that you are really sorry, so you actually deserve forgiveness. And everyone will give you, we will start again, I promise... Oh, and stand up, your clothes are getting dirty, and you're way too cute for having dirty clothes.

He stood up and helped me too, while I was still crying, or better I was sobbing, He was really too nice for a human like me... Then, he surprised me again. He hugged me tight and patted my head, my hair.

- Come on, don't cry... You are better when you smile...

- How can you say this? I never smiled in front of you!

- You did. Once. Latin's first lesson.

- Wha... Wow you have a good memory! You caught my only weakness moment... By the way, what were you laughing at before?

- Ah... sorry for that. It was inopportune, huh?

- Nonononono I love your smil... Ahem no it wasn't inopportune! It helped me... Oh well nevermind....

I blushed. I was digging my own grave. , girl, shut up or he'll definitely go... If he understands your true feelings you can really say goodbye to him!

- Ahahahhahaha so you are a lot cuter than you show! I like this side of you...

And he hugged me tighter. Yes, because all that time we were speaking, he kept me in his arms, and I didn't do anything to free myself. A quite embarassing situation... Better to change topic...

- Aha... ha... ahem! Anyway, what were you laughing at? I am curious now!

- Oh, that... well your words remembered me a song that I really like...

- Ohh, what song?

- I don't think you know it... It's a kpop group's song, they're not really famous, so it's nearly impossible for you to know...

- Well, just sing me a bit or tell me what does it talk about! I love to discover and listen to new music!

- Uhm... okay... But I am not a good singer so don't exspect anything exceptional... Nappeun saram aninde, noreul saranghaneunde...

- Oh but it's Hyde! You're right I said something very similar, how funny! That's my favourite song and you all... were... very... good...

. , , , .

- Wait... You know... Us?

- No that's not as you think!

I pushed him away and turned, starting to run. I had ruined everything, just when the situation was gonna solve! What a stupid person... Now he will hate me for real and think I did all this to have his attention and... aish that's not good, how can I explain? He won't believe me this time...

- Wait a minute!

He grabbed my shirt ad pulled me in another hug.

- So you did all this... Just because you wanted to protect us...

- Wha... Don't you think I had other goals?

- No. Why should I? I am not part of your old class, and by the way, if you had other goals, you wouldn't have ran away like you did!

- My.. old class? How do you know...?

- They are not good in bluffing. They approached all of us and told us to avoid you, because you are bad and use people just for your own profits and so on... They really act like teens! And they're all our age...

- No, wait... Does this mean that Sanghyuk...?

- Not at all. He didn't believe to all their lies, but your rude attitude made him diffident... But, honestly, I think that if you wanted to have some outcome from using us, you would have acted different...

- How can you say that? How can't you doubt me even for a second? What if I really am...?

I didn't finish the sentence. He kissed me, maybe just because he wanted me to shut up...

- I work in a world where you see lots of opportunist people, and you don't look like them. Besides, I never fall in love with bad people. Call it a sixth sense...

- Nonono wa-wait.... What do you mean with fa-fa-fall in love?

- Hmpfh, and that's how you confirm that you're not an opportunist. You're way to ingenuous to be one...

He smiled, grabbed my head and kissed me again. That's not really happening, right? Things can't go so well... I still have the fever, and I am in my bed, daydreaming... I just didn't understand. Why me? And why after all that happened? I hid my face in his chest, and let him hug me. I wasn't in the conditions to think, so just let the things be.

- Waaaaa, you are so cute!! Indeed, you are a Starlight!! Just wait for N - hyung to know... He will love you!

- Starlight... I don't deserve that name... Nor I deserve you...

- Aish, so noisy... Girl, have a bit of self-confidence, love yourself more! You are not that bad...

- Hmmm... You are way too good for me, anyways. I am unforgivable...

- No, you're not. You have been honest and did the right things in the end, so let's just forget about the past... Now time to introduce you to VIXX!

- Hongbin-ssi, please, don't tell them that I know VIXX... You're here for studying and this may distract you... Moreover, my classmates may be very mean at you guys, and I think you already had enough problems... Just keep this a secret, please?

- Hmmmm... I think your fears are unfounded... But ok, I will stay silent if you stop calling me Hongbin-ssi...

- OK, .... Oppa?

- Every Starlight calls me Oppa...

- Bean?

- That's better. I will protect your secret..

And he gave me a beautiful smile, a smile that was only for me, and that I still think  I didn't deserve.