Slowly progressing, yaaay. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I gotta admit that I am excited for the next chapter. It’s nothing special though tbh. It’s just a concept that I come up with during the time I started to plan DRAWN for the first time.

About todays chapter: it is a bit gloomy. Well, I write like that, most of the stuff I create is gloomy, angsty or bittersweet. I like that. But I know that sometimes it can be too much, even OOC at times, although I really try to avoid that. What I want to say is that it is a bit of a filler. I need chapters like this so that I can build things from it later. Maybe Ji Hyo here seems a bit too grumpy or uncaring for you, but I assure you, it will change. But for a while, she is in a bad place. Hope you still will like it!

Also, there is an important note at the end of the chapter too! ^^

She saw glasses and concerned eyes behind them. As he turned his face towards her, his short bob cut swayed a little. Jae Suk opened his mouth as if wanting to say something but instead of words, horrendous beeping left his mouth. Wincing she turned over, covering her ears with her palms groaning.

It was a dream… A very-very short and weird dream. While listening to the alarm clock function of her smartphone, she remembered how only random pictures appeared at night in her head, breaf, only a minute long scenes played out in front of, barely holding any meaning. Or meaning she understood. Well, maybe the scenes were so short and incomprehensible, because she barely slept longer than that at all. If you call those minute long slumbers sleeping, really. She reached for her phone to switch the sound off and glanced at the time. What an ungodly of an hour, four thirty am. Although around four, she was still up, glaring at the ceiling unable to fall asleep. Ten minutes it is. She probably slept that long tonight. It was better than yesterday to say the least. She couldn’t even sleep at all then.

Groaning in pain, trying to ease the knots in her aching muscles, she got up. Not bothering to even think about anything, she got her sports bra on, a t-shirt from the ground where she dropped it day before – which she sniffed at first and it seemed okay, probably clean enough to wear –, shorts and slippers. Her phone ringed right after, her manager was probably there already. WIthout combing her hair, she made her way towards the kitchen, grabbed an apple and searched for her bag in the living roomm area. She found it where she discarded it the night before.

She was drained. So-so drained. She felt the knot in her left shoulder with her right palm and massaged it without thinking about anything at all, not while taking the elevator, nor while walking out to the parking lot, arriving to the van waiting for her. Only the voice of his manager forced her to register anything else outside of her fuzzy mind.

"… Ji Hyo-ssi!" She looked up at him. He looked uneasy, probably having to call her multiple times before she looked up at all was getting him on edge.

"Sorry… did you say something?" She asked, her voice a hollow imitation of her normal tone. was dry. She needed to drink something.

"I asked if you were okay" repeated the man with a frown. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Not much" Ji Hyo anwered nonchalantly and climbed into the back seat. It was a struggle to open the door at first which was a bit weird, as if her physical strength lacked too, but she managed to sit down. What’s wrong with her body?

The manager sat behind the wheel and started the car, but didn’t drive out of the parking lot right away. He just stared ahead to the parking lot, empty of people.

"We can go, I have my belt on" Ji Hyo said after clearing , not entirely making her voice sounding better. She took a bite of her apple, the juice of it felt wierdly rich to her dry tongue.

The manager didn’t reply right away. After a long and awkward silence, he sighed and looked back, intense eyes boring into her own ones. "This can’t continue any longer" he said, all too seriously. Ji Hyo stopped chewing the apple and dropped her hand in her lap. "I looked up a private clinic that deals with insomnia. Maybe we should go there instead of filming. I can call the direc…"

"No." Ji Hyo cut into her words sharply, maybe a bit louder than intended. "It’s important today, we can’t miss it and you know that very well. Also I don’t have insomnia."

"Health is more important than work" he argued back frowning. "And you tell me every day that you don’t sleep well, if at all. Even if you wouldn’t say it yourself, I can see it with my own eyes, I’m not blind, Ji Hyo-ssi, nor stupid. You are unwell."

"Don’t start this now" Ji Hyo bit down on her lower lip to hold back from saying anything really rude. He didn’t deserve that. "Drive. We will be late."

"Ji Hyo-ssi, you can’t…"

"Drive, goddamnit!" Ji Hyo burst out. Her manager huffed, but stepped on the pedals and drove out of the parking lot furiously. The actress really didn’t want to offend him at all, she knew he meant well. But she hated looking weak. The director already made a fuss if someone didn’t come to the filming, threatening to kill of their characters and firing them. Ji Hyo needed this job. Needed it so much, like her lungs needed air. Not so much for the money. But if she doesn’t have anything to do, her mind wanders off to places she really doesn’t want it to go. It’s the loudest at night. She is alone, and everything is silent. She hears everything over and over and over again. Things she doesn’t want to deal with. Things she just wants to forget.

People talking about her behind her back. Saying how she is aging and fattening up.

Her mother tormenting her about getting married already.

That actor kissing her collar bones and murmuring ’so soft, so beautiful’ in a low, disgusting voice, making her beyond sick, wanting to throw up.

"You have to tell Jong Kook about this. Ne needs to know.”

"Hurting someone is not okay, Ji Hyo-yah! What happened?"

"You are a really dear friend for me and I don’t want things to get awkward either."

If she can’t work, she will lose control. She will go crazy.

Maybe… she is already crazy.

Her nights are filled with voices and scenes she doesn’t want to hear and see. If her her days aren’t busy, instead of eight hours, there will be twenty four to think about those.

Hell no.

Arriving to the filming sight in the outskirts of Seoul, both of them calmed down a little. The man went to discuss her schedule with the filming crew regarding the next week and the week after as she will have a two day long filming with Running Man on Monday and Tuesday at the countryside. However, her next Monday will be free in return. They need to record scenes of the drama accordingly.

In the meantime she was urged to go to the dressing room, or more like dressing wagon – as they were outdoors again – by one of the coordinators. Her hair and makeup needed to get taken care of, and getting her layered Hanbok on was not a minute either. Even the thought of hair extensions and wigs made her scalp itchy and achy. But what can she do about it, right? That is nothing she can’t take.

"Omo, what will I do about those black circles…" Ji Hyo glanced up right in time to see the make up girl frowning deeply, lines appearing on her forehead. The actress reached up with her fingers to touch her eyebags nervously. "Song Ji Hyo-ssi, please rest more."

She just nodded, not being able to say anything, while the girl went to look for the strongest foundation they had. Ji Hyo turned back, eyeing herself in the mirror. She looked exactly the mess she felt she was being. Hair like a birdnest, her eyes were like someone punched her, and her skin was as white and dry as paper. Moisturizing worthed nothing. Her cheekbones looked more defined and she turned her head to the side, brushing her fingertips along the line. Her face looked thinner than usual, even to her own eyes.

Something is up, I can see it – the words echoed in her mind, unstopable. Her mind, fuzzy as always recently, wandering off from the present, remembering a certain night only few days before that miserably morning.

"Talk to me" she remembered Dong Wook’s concerend voice. His eyes, looking her up and down, searching for answers for every question he wanted to ask yet weren’t able to. He knew Ji Hyo wouldn’t answer then, unless she decided to talk about it first. The actor could see that she had lots of things going on, but she wasn’t able to express it. All of it. She just couldn’t. "I see that someting is bothering you. What is it?"

She gulped her beer instead, trying to win time before she was to speak. When she was finished, her mind still wasn’t working, so she just blurted out in a small voice: "I don’t know."

"You don’t know?" Dong Wook asked back, frowning. Ji Hyo was an upfront person. If she didn’t wanted to talk about something, she would say so. Looking so uncertain wasn’t something she did often.

"It’s just…" Ji Hyo tried again to speak up, but her mind wasn’t focusing, she couldn’t grasp the most important parts. "I…" Maybe there wasn’t anything wong at all, she was just making it up. Yes, it’s in her head. Probably. It’s not as if somebody died. "It’s silly…"

"No, it’s not" Dong Wook reassured her patiently. He reached towards her resting hand on the table and took it in his, brushing his caloused thumb against the her soft skin. She glanced up at him, something unexplainable in her eyes. Uncertainty, fear, resignation. Truth is, he was getting worried. He had never seen his friend so apart like this. "Just tell me."

She picked Jong Kook and talked about him then. Words just flooded out of , but not so coherently. She talked about how much she had a crush on him at first, but tried to forget him. Then her feelings just grew stronger and stronger only having to ran against a brick wall, as Jong Kook didn’t love her back. And out of all the things that bothered her, this pained her the most. Not because he is neutral about their relationship, but because she feels unworthy of it too.

Dong Wook was confused about the matter at first because it was hard to fish out the meaning behind Ji Hyo’s low babbling, then he was supportive. The matter didn’t surprise him that much. Not that he was aware of the very fact of her exact loveinterest, but Ji Hyo’s behaviour bugged him for a few months now. He suspected that something was going on. He let Ji Hyo cry it out while patted her shoulders, adding in that he was there for her.

 "Why would you be unworthy?" The man asked, trying to be careful with his words.

Ji Hyo just smirked bitterly at that. "He is ill at ease when those beautiful, modest, skinny girls are around. Those who are supportive of his hobbies and profession. Those who have similar spite as he has. Who can understand him well… I don’t think I’m any of that."

"Why would you even think that?" Dong Wook cooed, pulling his chair closer to her, patting her shoulder. She looked seriously lost. Cupping her cheek gently, he turned her face towards himself, slowly brushing his thumb along the lines of her nose and lips, smearing her tears away. "You are one of his best friends for a reason."

She stared at him blankly, then pushed his hand away, grabbing her cup to drink her beer, several long gulps again, then put it down with a sharp thud against the table. He glanced around if it attracted any of the other customers’ eyes, but everyone seemed to be absorbed in their own conversations. "Men never treated me worthy." Upon hearing those words, Dong Wook snapped his head back to look at his friend, but she already stood up, ready to leave.

Dong Wook could feel that his reasoning wasn’t the best so he tried to continue, but Ji Hyo wasn’t up to it anymore. She dismissed all of his efforts, wanting to talk about something else.

Although they weren’t nearly finished, Dong Wook knew that. Not only did he want to ask more about the Jong Kook case, he knew there were more to her blue mood, but he couldn’t bring Ji Hyo to talk about it.

 "I will start now." The voice of the make up girl woke her up of her thinking. She glanced at the girl who set up all the tools she needed and gave her an encouraging smile to do her job.

This was gonna bit a long day…

~*~

She was back in the dressing wagon again. It wasn’t time for a break though, but the director stopped the production. Because of her. She messed it up again. First she missed her cue, not saying her lines in time because she was just that lost in thought. Even amateurs don’t do that. Second time her acting was just… plain bad. Not enthusiastic at all, no spite in it. Nothing. She acted as emotionless as she felt. At that thought a bitter smile creept onto her lips. But why is she like that?

The last time? What set the director off was actually beyond her this time, but still her doing. She out for a mere second. It was an eerie almost out of body experience. She was in the middle of acting a scene, giving in all she had this time. Her character was arguing with one of her subordinates. They were in her bedroom and the man stood by the door. So that she can talk to him directly, she got up from the mattress to rush to his side, but she just, as stupid as it seemed for her, out. Barely for a second, but her vision blurred and she felt really lightheaded. As soon as she got up, she had to steady herself. The next thing she knew was the directior screaming slurs and leaving the set and her manager was by her side. He knew she was feeling sick, he saw it on her face. She must have been pale. Truth is, she did feel awful and took his advice of retreating to her wagon and rest for a bit. Sitting on one of the chairs, she tried to catch her breath and think through how did she get here?

She loved acting. It wasn’t just her job, her profession. It was her dream, her life. It always felt right, always. She enjoyed it, every role she had, it gave her energy to act scenes out. Now it was troublesome. Her memory was failing her, she couldn’t focus, she was restless.

And why? Because of a damn rejection?

She tried to think it through, for days, for weeks even, but couldn’t find the anwer. However, when she thought about the conversation she had with Dong Wook, something did pop in her mind. She was always treated like . Every friend of hers when she was younger, every boyfriend of hers. She was attracting garbage like that it seemed. Men who approched her with their filthy hands and mouthes. All the dirt that escaped their lips. They all seemed nice at first, and showed their true colours later. And yet, she was holding on, saying that she deserved more, she deserved to be treated well and it’s not her fault that things like that happened to her. Filths like Nam Jun Seok approched her. And the only thing that held her up, that gave her hope, that just maybe, maybe someone would held her nicely, someone would love her for who she is, someone who didn’t only seem nice, but was a good person genuinely, like Jong Kook. She appreciated their friendship as well as she adored all of her friends. But she needed more. She longed for proper love.

But she couldn’t get it. And even he rejected her. There was nothing left. She is alone and doomed to stay alone, to pick up the pieces of her heart by herself.

Guys. Hope you don’t kill me, but I started another fanfic. I know I knooow, I still haven’t finished this, or my other one here on Asianfanfics (it is 2NE1 fic, the pairing is ChaeRa), but this third one I have been working on for a year now to come up with the right concept, to get everything in place. I wanted to wait till I finish my other two fics, I really did, but I’m just so incredibly want to share it with you guys. I’m so proud of the way I was able to edit the poster and the trailer. I even made character aesthetics too. The prologue and the first chapter is already done, I finished them months ago actually and didn’t want to continue until I finish either DRAWN or When the Bluebells were blooming. But I just can’t contain myself anymore. I hope you understand.

So yeah. If you like SpartAce and you like my writing style, check the new one out too. It will be up soon. I hope you will like the new one too! <3