“I don’t want to.” The words spilled out before Hongbin could press his lips together. He felt his eyes slide with the same lack of control that his words exhibited off Hakyeon’s face and onto the wall behind him. The others stopped their rambunctious conversation to look at him in the spot he’d been standing since they’d entered the room, arms dangling by his sides, eyes on the opposite wall.

“What’s the matter, hyung?” Hyuk punched his arm lightly. “Filming our travels is supposed to be fun!” He wiggled his at Jaehwan, who laughed appreciatively and slapped it for the fun of it. Hongbin did not join in the pleasure.

“I just don’t want to.” He abruptly turned from the rest of the group and left the room, mind and stomach swirling alike. This trip was supposed to be a simple one: go to America, do their concerts, go home. No unexpected surprises, nothing he didn’t know about. Hakyeon had come into the hotel living room looking suspiciously excited, and that made Hongbin nervous. Nothing that thrilled Hakyeon was ever good for Hongbin’s mental state.

Hongbin had simply stood there as the rest joined Hakyeon’s enthusiasm for the filming that would be documenting their stay in New York. When Wonshik jumped on his back and Taekwoon gave him a small smile he just stared at them vacantly, wondering how on earth he was going to handle this development. No one seemed to notice his silence or the lack of a smile on his normally cheerful face and that made the hole in his chest seem more gaping than ever with the thought that no one really cared. Now, in the hallway with his back to the wall and his knees to his chest, Hongbin attempted to calm his breathing and think of something, anything, else. He knew he couldn’t prevent the filming from happening and he’d just have to avoid the camera as much as possible. He lowered his forehead to rest on his knees and breathed deeply, concentrating only on that, focusing his mind.

He heard the others beginning to move around the room and beat a hasty retreat to the room he was sharing with Taekwoon, flopping down on the bed and closing his eyes. He had finally managed to settle his stomach just before boarding the plane and had slept for most of the flight, something he had seen documented on Hyuk’s phone when he showed him the video he had taken a few hours after takeoff.

Aigoo our visual is handsome even when he’s drooling.

Hongbin gave a half-hearted chuckle and to his front, stuffed his face into the first pillow he found, and ignored the sound of the door opening.

“Hongbin-ah?” Taekwoon sounded unsure. Hongbin didn’t like it. If ever there was someone who was never uncertain of himself, it was Jung Taekwoon; he stood for what he stood for and no one would make him change. Hongbin was envious of him for it—if only he could be the same way.

“Is everything all right?”

“M’fine.” The words were muffled around the pillow, but apparently the elder heard him. He felt a warm hand on the small of his back and heard Taekwoon’s quiet voice in his ear telling him that their manager wanted to speak to them together.

A sharp pain knifed through Hongbin’s chest at those words and he sat up, hair ruffled and face flushed from the feather down inside the commercial hotel pillow. Taekwoon gave him a curious glance but Hongbin didn’t meet his dark eyes as he followed his hyung out of their room and trudged with him, eyes on the cream-colored carpet, into the connecting room where the rest were waiting.

Their manager looked a combination of stressed and excited, and that only increased Hongbin’s foreboding, stronger than the one he’d had when Hakyeon stepped into the room not fifteen minutes previously.

“It’s been decided to extend your stay here,” he said as the door shut quietly behind them. Hongbin’s heart dropped into his feet, bypassing the rest of his body. “We’ve scheduled another concert, and you’ll be going back home a couple days afterward to fit in some interviews with American news sources.” He beamed at the six of them as Wonshik and Jaehwan made strangled happy noises. “This’ll be great for you guys, get you more exposure in the Western market.”

The other members looked exhilarated, and all Hongbin could do was nod numbly along with the rest while his mind was screaming, No! I’m not ready!

As soon as he was able, Hongbin made an about-face and flopped back onto the bed he and Taekwoon were sharing in the next room. The room was dark, save the soft light of the lamp by the beds, the sky outside deepening to a navy twilight, and the dim lighting matched his miserable mood.

Why did they put up with him, he wondered as he rolled over onto his back, staring at the bland white ceiling. He was such an annoying person to be around. He didn’t have it in him to be excited about something new because he needed time to psych himself up for it; he needed to prepare himself, get used to the idea. The thought of another concert and more interviews made his heart freeze, dripping with icicles, inside his chest. Somewhere he knew that he was being unreasonable, but he couldn’t help the thoughts that forced their way inside his head and made themselves at home.

I can’t do this anymore, he thought, feeling the familiar pricks in the corners of his eyes and not even attempting to stop the tears from coming. I can’t do it I can’t do it I CAN’T DO IT. He held in a muffled sob with difficulty as the door opened and Taekwoon walked in.

“Just...wanted to see what you were up to,” he said lamely, sitting on the opposite side of the bed uncomfortably.

There it was. That hesitation again. Hongbin couldn’t stand the thought of the other members tiptoeing around him, not even knowing the reason why they were doing so, but feeling obligated nevertheless. Taekwoon was saying something else now, but Hongbin stared at him without seeing or listening. Why couldn’t he be more like them? Why did he have to create discord in the group? Why did he have to be the way he was when they’d be so much better without him?

Taekwoon’s lips stopped moving and he tilted his head at Hongbin, who hadn’t wavered his gaze. His mouth moved again, and Hongbin was fascinated by the way the words were forming themselves on Taekwoon’s lips but his ears weren’t cooperating in the normal sense of conversation. If he didn’t think about it too much, he’d let the gentle movement lull him to sleep.

“...What?” He asked vaguely, still staring at Taekwoon’s mouth.

“I said something seems like it’s bothering you. What’s wrong?”

Something in his tone made Hongbin sit up and momentarily cover his face before staring down at his lap. Taekwoon moved closer, seemed to briefly consider putting his arm around Hongbin’s shoulder but kept his hands in his lap, and looked right into Hongbin’s eyes. “And don’t you dare say it’s nothing. I know you better than that.” He waited for Hongbin to talk.

“I just...” Hongbin didn’t really know what to say. “I just can’t do it alone anymore,” he whispered, looking helplessly at his knees, desperate to avoid Taekwoon’s dark gaze.

Taekwoon didn’t say anything. “What can’t you do alone anymore?” He asked quietly after a moment.

Something snapped inside of him and Hongbin was on his feet and shouting before he was even conscious of moving. “HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT THERE AND BE SO DAMN OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYTHING?” Taekwoon started and almost fell off the bed at the sudden blast of noise, exacerbated by the fact that it was Hongbin of all people who was doing the yelling.

“What?” he asked, confused and somewhat hurt by the look Hongbin was giving him.

“What do you mean, what?” Hongbin sneered, the effect somewhat ruined by his voice breaking on the last syllable. “You’re just sitting there looking confused! What right do you have to be confused by anything I’m saying??” Before he could stop himself he was yelling again, if only to keep the tears behind his eyes rather than sliding down his cheeks. “HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THE HELL I’M GOING THROUGH? I DON’T SLEEP AT NIGHT AND NONE OF YOU NOTICE A DAMN THING! I CAN’T HANDLE THE SIMPLEST NEW ANYTHING IN OUR SCHEDULE AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ON MY OWN. AND THEN THERE’S YOU AND YOUR STUPID SINGING, AND JAEWHAN AND WONSHIK WITH THEIR DUMB CONFIDENCE IN EVERYTHING THEY DO, AND SANGHYUK AND—”

Something moved out of the corner of his eye and he his heel to face the doorway, leaving Taekwoon to just stare at him looking dazed and upset. “AND YOU—” He rounded on Hakyeon, who had just opened the door, looking bewildered, to see what all the noise was about. “YOU COME IN WITH YOUR DAMN SMILE AND TELL US SOMETHING ELSE WE HAVE TO DO AND YOU DON’T EVEN NOTICE THAT I’M DYING INSIDE!”

Hakyeon looked mildly insulted and opened his mouth to refute him, but Jaehwan, who was standing behind him, punched him in the arm to shut him up. Hongbin ignored both of them and went ranting on; every miserable thought, every perceived injustice, every sleepless night and anxiety-fueled insecurity came spilling out in one breath, not even pausing to make sure if what he was saying even made sense at all. The three other members in the room, plus Sanghyuk and Wonshik who’d come in to see what was going on, just gaped at him and let him yell and scream until his throat burned and his legs refused to hold him up any longer.

“I just can’t deal with it all anymore.” He whispered to himself and dropped into the uncomfortable floral patterned chair by the TV, shoving his face into his hands, incapable of looking at any of them; in fact, he wouldn’t mind not meeting anyone’s eyes again for the rest of his life. He felt the tears rising again and fought them stubbornly, before standing as suddenly as he had before, making Taekwoon stiffen.

“Going to bed,” he muttered, feeling his face burn, and opened the door into the connecting room, despite the fact that that one was Hakyeon and Jaehwan’s. He couldn’t find it in him to care. He lay down heavily on the bed that had Jaehwan’s phone resting on top and closed his eyes, willing himself not to hear the hushed conversation from the next room.

The night crawled by, as so many before had. As exhausted as he was, he found himself tossing and turning, even as the murmured voices from the other room continued on for over an hour—it would normally have soothed him to sleep. But all that ran through his mind was that now he’d done it. Now he’d really pushed them away from him, and he’d be alone forever. They’d never want anything to do with him now that they knew everything that was wrong with him.

Behind his closed lids he could see Taekwoon’s wounded expression when he began yelling at him. And why shouldn’t he be upset? Hongbin wasn’t exactly one for dramatic outbursts, especially angry ones, unless there was a director yelling action involved. Their faces flashed through his mind, each more bewildered than the next, wondering what on earth set off their usually grinning visual in such a way.

But that was the thing, Hongbin thought as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, giving up on sleep yet again. He padded to the bathroom and leaned over the sink in defeat, a familiar posture. He was usually grinning. Perhaps that was why they felt so betrayed (because that must be what they were feeling). He hid and lied and pretended until there was nothing left to hide behind but the ragged remains of a happy, calm mask. He lifted his head to look in the mirror, taking in his red, puffy eyes and turned down lips. That was an expression one rarely found on his face, especially in the company of the other members, and yet that was more real than the smiling façade he wore every day.

Hongbin sighed and the water, splashing some on his face to clear the flush of anger and frustration. He thoroughly regretted blowing up at them now, and his face went red again, this time with embarrassment. Why couldn’t he control his emotions better? He switched the water off and dabbed his face with a small towel, avoiding his face in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw.  

When he entered the bedroom again, switching off the bathroom light as he did, he froze in place in the doorway. Hakyeon was sitting on the bed waiting patiently for him, his phone screen black in his lap. Hongbin turned straight around and headed right back for the bathroom, but stopped when Hakyeon said his name.

“I’m not going to walk away and pretend nothing happened.”

Hongbin kept his back to the leader and fervently wished he were anywhere but in this room. He briefly considered jumping out the window and disappearing into New York, but the thought was squashed when he remembered they were on the tenth floor and he didn’t speak English well anyway.

“Why not?” He asked without turning around. “Just leave it alone.”

“I’m not going to leave it alone because I’m worried about you.” Hakyeon didn’t sound frustrated, but to Hongbin’s ears he was saying that he was to be pitied and that it wasn’t worth dealing with all his issues. Hongbin turned around with fire disguising insecurity in his eyes.

“Why are you worried now? You were never worried before.” Even to himself his voice sounded dead and flat, and Hakyeon winced.

“I’m sorry.” He said finally. He was looking at his pink and orange striped socks, which he brought up to sit cross-legged on the bed. Hongbin stared with him and slowly went and sat on the bed next to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner that you were having a hard time. I’m sorry I wasn’t being a good enough friend for you to be able to come and talk to me about it, and I’m sorry you had to hold it in. I wish I could have been there, because I know you’ve been looking tired and stressed out lately, and I’m sorry I let it get this bad.” Hakyeon said all this in one breath and Hongbin just let him ride it out, like they had with him only two hours before. “I’m here for you now, though. If you want to talk about it.”

Hongbin stared at the carpet that was rapidly becoming familiar. He didn’t know where to even begin. All he’d wanted for so long was for someone to notice, for someone to realize that he wasn’t okay, and for someone to tell him exactly what Hakyeon just said. He’d thought he needed someone to talk to about how he was feeling, but now that he had the chance, the temptation to just forget about it and hope that he could deal with it himself was just so strong. He didn’t want everyone knowing his problem. They’d find him flawed. They’d look at him and see only his anxiety.

But then Hakyeon shifted on the bed and he remembered that there were five other members to think about, and if he really thought he was dragging them down now, what would they think of him if he refused to open up to them? He felt a wave of shame crash through him and he flushed red yet again. He had been being selfish, and for the first time, he didn’t start berating himself about it because he knew he could fix it. All he had to do was tell Hakyeon what was going on.

But it was just so hard.

He opened his mouth and closed it again several times, waiting for Hakyeon to give up and leave the room. He waited for him to get annoyed and go back to the other members shaking his head. He wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t know why, maybe he just doesn’t trust me.

“I—” The sound came out from his throat unbidden, and Hakyeon looked at him expectantly. “I trust you.” Hakyeon waited for him. He waited for Hongbin to continue because he cared about him and wanted to help. The shame turned to relief and Hongbin continued. “You guys have always said you’d be there for me and each other, and I trust you. I trust you to know that...to know that...” He faltered. “I have anxiety. I find it so hard to be able to adjust to sudden changes in schedule and everything else because I need time to get my mind used to everything. Until then, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t function because my insides tie themselves up in knots every time I try.” Hongbin hung his head. “I’m sorry I can’t be normal, but that’s the way I am.”

He suddenly felt strong arms wrap themselves around his shoulders and he leaned into Hakyeon’s embrace and shook with fear, relief, and shame all at once. Hakyeon didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to.

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Hey guys! Thanks for reading this chapter. Just slipping in here to say that having a support system is one of the most important things for me in dealing with these issues. And if you are having difficulties, just know that more people want to help than you think, be it friends, family, a teacher, or anyone else. If you need someone to talk to or rant to, just shoot me a PM; I'm always willing to listen. Hwaiting!

~ ELF