Why me? For heaven’s sake why now, why me, and why, someone tell me, why do I have to suffer through this?

Hongbin turned to his other side restlessly for the tenth time in five minutes. He had tried every position, every mindset, every single distraction, and still the same thought rolled through his mind every time another wave of nausea ripped through him. He kept his heavy breathing to as much a minimum as he could, trying not to wake Jaehwan, who shared his room. The last time he let a moan of misery escape Jaehwan had mumbled something along the lines of “go get some water,” before snuffling back to sleep.

Hongbin breathed deeply through his nose, but gave it up as a bad job when the breath was as shallow as the rest of them, making his chest inflate when it should have been his stomach. He pushed the button of his phone charging beside him, almost blinding himself with the light, even at its dimmest setting.

He attempted, for the tenth time, to distract himself with solitaire, articles, and quizzes respectively before giving up. He sat up slowly and rubbed a hand through his thick hair, dyed a warm chocolate brown for the moment.

The thought of chocolate made his stomach clench again and leaned his head back with a sigh. They had to leave for New York in the morning and the whirlwind of packing, passports, checking in for boarding, and general craziness led him to believe that he really should get a good night’s sleep. At least, that’s what Hakyeon told them all before sending them all off for showers and bed earlier than usual that evening. As soon as the words left Hakyeon’s mouth Hongbin wanted to scream at him that a good night’s sleep was only a fantasy for him right now. When they’d found out they were going to America Hongbin had known, with a flash of that awful dread and a tease in his stomach of what was to come, that he would be spending this night sleeplessly tossing and turning and trying to rid himself of the persistent feeling of doom that always came the night before traveling, or anything out of routine.

One would think that living the life of an idol always on the move would have gotten rid of the irrational fear of travelling and the physical havoc that change always wrought that Hongbin had had most of his life. He’d never told anyone, and that included the other members, about the anxiety.  His parents informed him only recently that he’d had it most of his life. He’d only realized it a year previously. The night before a trip, a change in schedule, the pressure of learning a new dance, a new script, a new song, a new language left him with jellyfish squirming around in his stomach and many sleepless nights struggling to ignore the nausea and anxiety and focus on something else. Sometimes he wondered why it had been his ambition to be an idol what with concerts and flights and constant changes in routine, if a routine even existed in the first place. Perhaps he figured that the lack of routine would eventually become one.

How quickly he figured out that he was wrong.

He’d learned to hide the symptoms. Claim he wasn’t hungry, which wasn’t far from the truth and allowed him to skip meals when the anxiety left him unable to eat. Sleep in the car or the plane once his stomach settled to make up for the loss of sleep. Rely on muscle memory to perform when his brain was too exhausted from worrying to think about which move came next. Keep an ever-constant smile on his face to hide the insecurity where no one would ever see it. Ignore any concerned glances from the other members when it happened too many days in a row.

His thoughts swirled in time with his uncomfortable stomach every time anxiety hit. Why was he even in VIXX? Did he really think he made an iota of difference in the group? That position full of doubt had once belonged to Hyuk, who had since found his place with the rest and learned to ignore the hateful comments. He was a phenomenal dancer on par with Hakyeon at this point, and what did Hongbin have to show for all the training he had received? There were plenty of rookies much better than him and trainees who had gotten less than half his training and yet he was still lacking.

Hongbin dreamed of recording a solo album but every time he opened his mouth to express it the thoughts of his own talentless disposition crowded out all ambition until only stress and tears were left. He wished he could pen lyrics like Wonshik or Taekwoon, but every time he picked up a pen the sight of the blank sheet of paper left him reeling with an empty brain and a wormy gut.

He hated it. He hated the weakness. He hated the feeling that he was different, that other people didn’t have these problems. Sometimes he cried in the bathroom on a bad night before a trip and wished with all his heart he could eat a full meal five minutes before stepping on a plane or in the waiting room before a concert like the rest of them. The physical ramifications of his mental state left him exhausted not only from the anxiety itself but from concealing it from the other members because he didn’t want them to worry; no one but the dark of the night ever kept him company. He was sure they would dismiss it as all in his head and he should learn to get over it. That’s what his parents told him.

Careful to avoid the squeaky floorboard, Hongbin crept out of the bedroom, giving up on sleep as he had so many times before. The frustration and futility of it all made him want to weep as he sat on the couch with his phone. His eyes kept slipping shut, but every time his body tried to relax he would jerk awake, the timer on his game of solitaire reaching past ten minutes since he’d started the game, his finger laying slack on the king of hearts and making it shudder on the screen in anticipation of his moving it. He tiredly continued the game and felt his fingers relaxing again as sleep tried to take over and gasped when his conscious mind would not allow it.

His eyes slid shut for the third time and he suddenly felt a hand shaking his shoulder and heard Hakyeon’s loud voice asking why he looked like he’d been crying. He struggled with his eyelids for a moment before forcing them open, his phone on the floor, timer still ticking on the game, now showing two hours since he’d started flipping cards. Hakyeon picked it up looking curious before handing it back to him and wondering aloud if he’d been unable to sleep. Hongbin waved him off citing excitement for the trip and agreeing with Hakyeon’s enthusiastic reply before allowing the smile to drop off his face the moment the leader’s back was turned. He wished he could stay home. He wished life were predictable because if life were predictable than he would be just like everybody else.

He heard the others beginning to move around in their bedrooms and Wonshik’s snores abruptly stopped as if someone had stuffed a pillow in his mouth, which was something Hyuk had unashamedly admitted to doing several times. Hongbin attempted to keep his eyes open at the table but they were beyond his control. Jaehwan asked him if he was all right and he nodded, saying he was just tired from waking up so early.

Wonshik agreed with him, throwing a dark look at the maknae, who just grinned over his banana milk. Drowsy talk and slurping filled the kitchen, followed by an extensive search for Taekwoon’s shoes and Wonshik’s passport (turned out it was in his carry-on where Hakyeon had put it, anticipating this very search), and the mad rush to the van that would take them to the airport.

Hongbin swallowed and took a sip from his water bottle. Taekwoon gave him a concerned look, something he did every time Hongbin had a sleepless night and it made him wonder if Taekwoon knew more than he let on. There was nothing in his impassive expression that revealed his thoughts, and Hongbin settled in the seat next to the vocalist, and didn’t notice his head drooping onto Taekwoon’s shoulder as the rumbling of the van lulled him to a light sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi everyone. 

The reason I left the end dangling is because anxiety and other mental disorders are ongoing; these things don't just go away overnight. Mostly, people suffering from them just have to learn to cope with it, and it's always, always important to have a strong support system to help. If someone you know is dealing with anxiety or any other type of mental disorder, please, the best thing you can do for them is just to be there for them and not to expect everything to be perfect. 

If you yourself are suffering from a mental disorder, just know that you are never ever alone and there's always someone who cares about you. Speaking to a therapist is also not a bad idea and I highly recommend it. 

I'm probably going to add to this oneshot when inspiration strikes, so I'll keep this marked incomplete. I hope you enjoyed reading.

~ELF