No. I couldn’t be. I deny that I start developing feelings for Soonyoung. I already had a boyfriend, I didn’t need another, really! One boyfriend already made my head spin. It was enough.

 

Though, I kind of liked his accompany and his attention. I mean, Seungcheol cared about me too, but he was more to protective, while Soonyoung was more carefree. They’re both caring, but in their own different ways. If Seungcheol goes for the big attention, Soonyoung pays attention to even just the littlest things. I think that’s what made them different.

 

AAAH!

 

Just then, a notification came in my phone.

 

Soonyoung: What do you think of live music?

 

I believe a hundred percent he would take me out again that night. This is so dangerous, yet so tempting. I couldn't continue this. If I keep saying yes to him, my feelings would just get deeper and deeper. Maybe I should just stop seeing him.

 

Unless... I kind of didn't want to. He helped me forgot my problems and filled my days. It's not like we're doing something so wrong, anyway. Just two friends hanging out.

 

So I typed back, I love it.

 

Soonyoung: What if we see one tonight?

 

I told you so.

 

Just then, Seungcheol called. What felt like years.

 

"Hello?" I said.

 

"Hi, Jagi," he said.

 

"Oh, look who's calling," I .

 

"What do you mean by that?" he said.

 

"Never mind," I replied, didn't want to start a fight because I had a feeling he was about to be mad about my teasing.

 

"What are you doing tonight?" he changed the topic, fortunately.

 

"Um... I'm not sure, why?" I asked him back.

 

"I'm going to practice with the team tonight, and I thought I'd like to invite you to see us," he said.

 

"Watch you practice with your team?" I asked again.

 

"Uh-huh."

 

"Um..." I went silent, thinking whether should I go or not. It would be lovely to see him, but going to watch a basketball practice? Uh, I really didn't feel like it. Maybe a big match is okay, but just a practice is another thing.

We had a pause before he spoke again, "You know, Tanya, Mingyu's girlfriend, watches us practice often."

 

I furrowed my forehead. "So?"

 

"So, she's showing her support for her boyfriend. You said you'll always support me, but in reality… really, I don't see no evidence."

 

"What do you mean? I've always been the one texting you first just to cheer you up for your practice everyday, is it—what, not enough?" I said, got angry when he said that. Is he crazy? Just being the one texting him first EVERYDAY already made me feel guilty, like I'm disturbing him, although I was his very own girlfriend.

 

"I only asked you to watch one practice—which you clearly rejected. Is it too much to ask?"

 

"Who said I was rejecting it?"

 

"I could hear it in your tone."

 

"I was just thinking, Seungcheol. I was actually considering it. But since you mentioned everything about 'not showing the evidence of supporting your boyfriend', guess I have better things to do."

 

And I had.

 

Without saying anything else, I hung up the phone call, before regretting anything else I would say because I was already upset, and agreed to go with Soonyoung instead. Guess it was wrong and mean, but I was already heated and I knew Soonyoung would always know how to cool down my mind.

 

*

 

At 6 p.m., Soonyoung picked me up with his car and we went to the place. I really enjoyed the environment and it had been so long since the last time I watched live music. It was good to finally see it again, especially with someone who has been there for me recently. The singer was a woman with a really great voice, I thought she should have her own album. She sang cover of songs. One of them was Taeyang from BIGBANG’s “Eyes, Nose, Lips”. I really liked that song and I knew every single word to it, so I sang along. When I wanted to engage Soonyoung to sing along with me, I turned to him, but he was already looking at me. He kept still though, staring at me, then smiled before he joined me.

 

After an hour, Soonyoung asked if I wanted to get some cup corns, which I agreed. So, we went to the cup corns stand beside the river with a view of skyscrapers and city lights.

 

“They usually lit fireworks at 8 p.m.,” he told me, when we sat beside the river eating the cup corns.

 

“Really? You come here a lot, do you?” I asked and he just nodded. However, that night he was kind of different. I don’t know if he really was or was it just me. I felt like he was more silent. I didn’t bring up anything about it, anyway.

 

“What if that guy suddenly drops his phone to the river…” he said, while looking at a guy who was playing his phone near the river. I turned to him and raised my eyebrows, not saying anything. He was very random.

 

“Sorry. Random,” he said when he looked at my face. I chuckled. “I bet you a hundred percent he will scream,” he said. Duh, who wouldn’t.

 

“Really?” I said, pretending to not believe him. “I dare you to flip his phone to the river. See how it’s going to be like,” I told him. “Flip his phone and $100 is yours.”

 

He laughed. “You’re crazy!” he said, while I stood still, pretending to be seriously challenging him. When he saw that I wasn’t cracking along, he immediately panicked, “Are you serious?”

 

I stood still.

 

“No way, Rachel,” he started to put on his serious face which was hilarious, I couldn’t take it I cracked and he smiled. Just then, it was 8 o’clock and he was right, the sky were filled with fireworks. Feeling great after having a laugh, I laid my head upon his right shoulder, amazed by the fireworks. I felt comfortable. Suddenly, he grabbed my left hand that was sitting on my knees by his right hand and he held it. My heart suddenly raced so fast, I couldn’t keep up.

 

“Rach,” he called me. I gulped and nervously answered him. “Y-yeah...?”

 

He didn’t say anything, so I said again, “W-what is it, Soonyoung?”

 

He kept silent, so I turned to face him. He was already looking at me again and our eyes locked. I was so mesmerized and I felt speechless. But that wasn’t it. The next thing he did make me even more speechless. He leaned in and kissed me. I wouldn’t lie, he was great. His lips were so soft. The moment seemed perfect, like in a movie where two people love each other and they kiss for the first time with beautiful fireworks exploding in the background. But what seemed so perfect, doesn’t always seem so. Like this moment. Anyone who sees us would think that we were madly in love. At first, I enjoyed it, but then, I couldn’t. I became conscious that this was all too far. I have betrayed my boyfriend who—I was pretty sure—loved me, even though sometimes he could be really annoying. I was such a for Seungcheol.

 

After a moment, I let go my lips of Soonyoung’s. I looked down at the ground, not having the guts to look in his eyes. I was showered with guilt.

 

“Soonyoung,” I called him carefully. He didn’t answer, but I know he was looking at me, and maybe kind of confused, while waiting for me to continue. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

 

After I said that, I quickly got up to leave. What a sin I just made. I just felt so messed up. While trying to leave the place, without realizing, tears streamed down my face, not believing that this was all happening.

 

“Rachel!” I heard Soonyoung calling me from behind. I kept going, not looking back, but he called me again. “Rachel!”

 

I stopped walking, but not turning around. I just couldn’t face him. I cried even more and I covered my face with my hands. He came over after chasing me. He looked at me who was crying. He put his hands on my shoulders carefully and said, “I’ll drive you home, okay?”

 

I couldn’t respond anything, not even shaking my head. Without waiting for me to speak, he put his arm around me and walked me to his car to drive me home.

 

The way home was so awkward. We were so silent. He didn’t even turn the radio on. Neither of us broke the silence until we arrived in front of my apartment building.

 

“Thank you for the ride,” I tried to speak without turning to him. I was just opening the door—wanting to get out of it as fast as I could—when he grabbed my hand.

 

“Wait,” Soonyoung said, “you may reject me, but at least I deserve to know the reason why.”

 

I got back to my seat and closed the door again. I still didn’t have the guts to face him. Hesitantly, I opened my mouth to answer him.

 

“I… I already had a boyfriend.”

 

“Wh… what?”

 

“He was busy lately and then I met you. I truly understand if you thought I liked you back because I was so comfortable with you, and I was. I also—“

 

“You never told me you had a boyfriend,” he cut me and I was kind of surprised, because he never did.

 

“I know,” I said. “Look, this was all my mistake. I don’t blame you. You have no sins in this case at all,” I told him. “I really am sorry it all ends this way,” I continued and I felt like crying again. I’ve hurt two guys at a time indirectly.

 

He was silent for a moment before he said, “You know, if you told me before, I’d back off.”

 

I gulped, holding back the tears. If I told him before, he’d back off. He would just consider me as a friend and I would still have him. Because right now, I felt like I’m losing him. Even though he wasn’t mine, at least I was losing a friend who was there for me recently; who filled my days; who soothed my mind.

 

“Soonyoung, I’m sorry,” I apologized, even though I knew I wasn’t going to be forgiven.

 

“Maybe you should go,” he said and he was right. I’ve hurt him just enough. I got out of his car, not knowing if he was going to text me back later as usual; not knowing if he allowed us to see each other again. How could I be so mean?

 

I went upstairs to my room, not knowing what to do. Should I break up with Seungcheol?

 

There was one thing for sure I knew what to do, though. I grabbed my phone and called Wonwoo. Of all Seungcheol’s closest friends, he was the closest to me.

 

Wonwoo came not long after I called him. I greeted him in my front door and he quickly realized the look on my face, especially the eyes.

 

“Rachel? What happened?” he asked, then I let him in.

 

“I have a confession to make,” I spoke slowly.

 

“What is it?” he asked again.

 

“I… I think I have to break up with Seungcheol.”

 

Even just having the thought of breaking up with him made me bawl.

 

“What...? What happened, Rachel?” he came over to hug and sat me down.

 

“I… I cheated on him.”

 

I didn’t have to look at his face, I knew he was taken aback. “It was all my fault. I was such a ,” I sobbed. Wonwoo tried to comfort me, but I could tell he was actually speechless.

 

"C-could you... tell me how it happened?" he stuttered.

I sobbed. "You know how Seungcheol has been very busy lately with his basketball practice," I started. "Then one day, this guy bumped my car. Two weeks after that, we accidentally met again and we just got closer," I explained, "since I had more free time because Seungcheol didn't take me out while he kept asking me to go hang out, me, being lonely, always said yes to him. At first, I only considered him as a friend, but eventually, you know..."

 

"Ah, it's okay. You guys were just hanging out, right? Sometimes, when you're in a relationship, there could be an obstacle like this one: crushing on someone else because you guys kept hanging out. But it's not like you guys were doing something super illegal—"

 

"He kissed me, Wonwoo. Just now," I cut him. He gulped. "Oh..." he commented.

 

"I really don't know what to do. But I guess, I just have to break up with Seungcheol. I've betrayed him. He doesn't deserve a girl like me anymore. I couldn't meet him and look him in the eyes again without feeling full of sin," I added.

 

Just then, Wonwoo's phone rang. He looked at me after looking at the screen. "It's Seungcheol," he told me then he picked up the call. "H-hello? Uh... No, I'm not. O-okay. No, no, I'm fine. Bye.”

 

“What did he say?” I asked once he hung up.

 

“He just asked if I was still at school and I think he noticed I was kind of stuttering and he asked what’s up but I just answered I’m fine,” he replied.

 

I sighed. “You know what’s worse? We are in a fight,” I told him. Wonwoo was surprised. “Really?”

 

“Yeah. I know. It makes me sound like a even more,” I said while covering my face.

 

“Hey,” Wonwoo said while rubbing my back, “I understand how this could happen. I mean, Seungcheol was indeed busy lately. So, I understand that you liked the attention you didn’t get from him,” he comforted me.

 

“I should be supporting him but instead I went out with someone else just because I don’t like the idea of watching a basketball practice. How selfish of me,” I said, still covering my face. I sat down straight then grabbed my phone. “You know this must be done, right? Sooner or later,” I said.

 

“What are you doing?” he kind of panicked when he saw me grabbed my phone.

 

“Calling Seungcheol. I have to. He must know that he doesn’t deserve me anymore,” I answered while looking for Seungcheol’s contact in my phone. Wonwoo quickly grabbed my phone to stop me from calling him. “Are you sure?” he asked. I looked at him. “Wonwoo, I have to. He has to know what’s good for him and what’s not.”

 

“What are you going to tell him?”

 

“I was planning to call him over,” I said.

 

He sighed and finally gave me my phone back. “Fine. I’ll just wait downstairs at the restaurant. You know how protective he is of you and how he could be hard sometimes. Just call me if anything.”

 

“Thanks, Wonwoo.” He patted me on my shoulder before I let him out. After he was out, I called Seungcheol. “H-hello?” I said over the phone.

 

“Hi,” he said simply.

 

“S-seungcheol,” I suddenly started to stutter, “where are you?”

“About to leave school,” he answered, “what’s up?” he asked slowly.

 

“Could you please come over?” I asked carefully. “I need to talk to you.”

 

“Okay,” he simply agreed and not long after the call, I heard a knock on my door. I opened to see Seungcheol in front of me. How I want to hug him so bad, but I couldn’t.

 

He realized I’ve been crying. “Jagi?” he asked, slowly putting his hands on my cheeks. “What’s up?”

 

I managed to speak, but I didn’t know why words just couldn’t come out of my mouth. When I tried to open my mouth, instead, I cried again, especially after I heard he called me ‘jagi’ despite the sin I made. I broke down. He hugged me so tight and everything became worse, although I kind of enjoyed it while it lasted. I knew it was going to be our last hug. Choi Seungcheol, you don’t have any idea how much you don’t deserve me.

 

He brought me into my apartment while he kept hugging me. After a while when I felt better, I let go of him. “I need to tell you something.”

 

“What is it, Jagi?” he asked, having his hands back on my cheeks again. I sighed. “We have to break up.”

 

He was shocked, he let go of my cheeks slowly. “What?”

 

“We have to break up,” I repeated, “I… I cheated on you.”

 

He didn’t say anything for a moment, maybe still trying to register what he just heard. “What?” he asked in disbelief. I nodded. “It was all my fault. I was such a . You don’t deserve me.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” he said, “when did this happen?”

 

“Ever since you got busy. I accidentally met this guy and we got closer,” I told him briefly. “I’m so sorry, Seungcheol.”

 

He stared at me blankly. “Rachel, you're joking, right? You're... pulling a prank on me, right? If yes, you could stop now. You’re scaring me.”

 

I shook my head. I’ve been crying this hard and he thought I was only pulling a prank on him? He must have not believed this was all happening for real.

 

“I’m not, Seungcheol,” I told him slowly. He went silent for a while. “Who is he?” he asked about who was I cheating on him with.

 

“Someone from School of Performing Arts,” I answered simply.

 

“Who is it? Is it your ex? Seokmin?” he asked. I totally forgot that my former boyfriend before Seungcheol, Lee Seokmin, attended the same high school as Soonyoung. He was offered a scholarship and just couldn’t resist the opportunity. They must have known each other.

 

“No, it’s not Seokmin. Just someone I accidentally met after school because he bumped my car,” I explained slowly. I wasn’t brave enough to tell him that his name was Soonyoung because I was afraid he would somehow find him and do something to him. I didn’t want it to happen and I didn’t want Soonyoung to get involved more.

 

He sighed. “God damn it!” he said then he messed his hair. By the way, it was our first and last biggest fight.

“Listen,” I began, “I’m not asking you to forgive me. I know it’s hard or maybe impossible. Instead, I’m just going to let you walk away. Leave me. You deserve someone better,” I told him.

 

He took a breath. “I really don’t understand it, Rachel. I thought you understand about my business and I thought you truly support me about what I do. I don’t know, maybe you’re just too young for me,” he said.

 

“About the support, I never lied to you. I truly support you in everything you do—“

 

“Yeah, you kept saying so without showing to any of my practice so you can have quality time with that School of Performing Arts guy? Do you even expect me to believe anything you say right now?”

 

Tears started streaming down my face again. I didn’t know what to answer. Everything he said was just right.

 

“I thought—you know what? Never mind. There’s no use in questioning it. I already know the answer.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Soonyoung, what is it?”

 

Way to go to add more mistake, Rachel. I guess I was used to calling him more than Seungcheol these days.

 

He stared at me. “Since when did I change my name?”

 

I closed my eyes and sighed, letting my tears stroll down my cheeks. “I didn’t mean it, Seungcheol…“

 

He sat leaning on my door now as he messed his hair once again. He bowed for a while then when he looked up, his eyes were teary. . Please don’t cry.

 

I joined him on the floor as I kept sobbing. I really wanted to wipe away his tears and cuddled him, but I know it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. It would just piss him even more.

 

He suddenly stood up and I followed him. He just stared into my eyes, not saying anything. He sighed and looked down on the ground, shaking his head, still not saying anything, then back at me again. Puzzled by his behaviour, I just stayed still. He placed his hand on my cheek, wiping away my tears. I held his wrist and I felt even worse. I wish I could hold it comfortably, without feeling this way.

 

“Goodbye, Rachel,” he said before he opened my door, leaving me alone in my apartment. We spent all one and a half year together just to be broken by a one night betrayal.