"One more time from the top!" Soonyoung yelled, with a hint of annoyance and frustration in his voice.

 

He glanced around the room and met eyes with Lee Jihoon. All of the Seventeen members were calm and composed underneath their tired appearance but, there was something about Jihoon that wasn't quite right. Under his untroubled demeanor he was very disappointed with himself, internalizing his self conflict. Nonetheless he gathered up all the strength that was left in him and he continued on.

 

'I want to be good enough' he thought to himself. The practice room was hot and exhausted bodies crowded the floor, but everyone seemed happy. Through the sweat and exhaustion, laughs and conversation filled the room. This was a very unfamiliar atmosphere for Jihoon.

 

"Good practice everyone, let’s go back to the dorm and rest up for tomorrow's performance" Seungcheol said to the others.

 

While everyone was packing up their things, Jihoon rested against the wall. It was getting late and the boys bodies craved sleep, so they all filed out of the small practice room and headed home.

 

"Do you mind telling Seungcheol that I stayed behind to practice for a bit more? I'll be home in a bit." Jihoon said to Jisoo before he left the room. Jisoo nodded and patted him on the back before running after the others.

 

The practice room was quiet, almost eerie but, Jihoon didn't care. His brain filled with thoughts of disappointment and distress.

 

'Just a "Good practice"?' He thought to himself.

'Is it because I was off beat for a part?'

'Did I miss a cue?’

'Was that last move strong enough?' He tortured himself with his thoughts.

 

After a minute of being absorbed in his thoughts, he realized that he was wasting precious practice time. He then played their song again for the what seemed to be the millionth time, the music blasted through the speakers in an attempt to keep Jihoon away from his thoughts.  The hours continued, each minute racing by.  Jihoon felt as if the room would collapse on him.

 

'It needs to be better' he kept thinking to himself.

 

Before he knew it the sun began to peek through the horizon, the slightest streak of sunlight shone through the practice room windows. Jihoon finally gave in and began to wrap things up, but he knew he was going to work twice as hard the next day. It was hard for him to give in to all pressure, he wanted to meet everyone's expectation, especially his own.

 

A walk home was needed to wake him up, the crisp fall air surrounded him and the sunlight warmed his body. For the slightest bit Jihoon felt at ease, but to his dismay it didn't last very long. Once he reached the dorm building, he trudged up the stairs to their doorstep. He took a deep breath before unlocking the front door, the atmosphere changed in an instant. Jihoon felt uncomfortable, something inside him turned, but it was home.

 

After taking off his shoes and organizing them into the corner, he dropped his bag and walked to his room. The shared room was quiet except for the heavy breathing of the other members, they were all asleep or, at least that's what Jihoon thought. He laid in his bed, with his fingers interlocked over his stomach. All he did was stare at the ceiling, immersed in his self-evaluation. Planning for tomorrow's work, burdening himself with the success of Seventeen. Unknowingly his thoughts trailed off, until he finally fell asleep.

 

---

 

After what felt like 20 minutes of sleep Jihoon woke up, like many he didn't want to get out of bed. The thought of proving his real talent through his hard work and extreme dedication, motivated him to face another day. He got out of bed and walked to the kitchen, through the hallways he could hear the laughter of the members. Such loud laughter was just daily routine at their house, afternoons were joyous, but Jihoon didn't feel such thing.

 

When he got into the kitchen his presence was unnoticed, it was hard to gain attention from the others. Continuing on with his routine, Jihoon reached the kitchen cabinets and attempted to grab a bowl that was on one of the higher shelves, he got on his toes but still couldn't reach the it. To his rescue Mingyu came around behind Jihoon and grabbed the bowl for before he could, his long arm extended over Jihoons small frame.

 

"I'll get that for you hyung" he casually said. Mingyu handed the bowl to Jihoon before walking off to join the others.

 

Jihoon sighed, he didn't want pity from the members. What he wanted was that bond, he craved companionship, friendship, anything. Quickly Jihoon made himself some cereal for breakfast. Since the dinning table was crowded with 12 other boys, he sat in the kitchen, eating off the counter. He stood there and rushed his breakfast since he didn't want to waste time when he could be practicing or producing.

 

"Jihoon-ah" Seungheol called for him from the dining table.

 

"Yes, hyung?" Jihoon looked up at the leader, his eyes glisten in hopes that Seungcheol genuinely want to talk to him. Seungcheol then walked towards him, with a slight smile on his face.

 

"Don't forget, we have a broadcast tonight at 6" He said to Jihoon and ruffled his hair. "Ah, thanks for reminding me" Jihoon said to him with a hint of disappointment in his voice and his shoulders sank. Without being noticed, he slipped out of the kitchen.

 

In his room Jihoon quickly gathered the things that he needed to work on . Hansol was walking down the hallway when he heard loud rustling from someone’s room. Without realizing, he curiously peeked in the room and walked, unintentionally sneaked up on Jihoon.

 

"Woozi hyung, where are you going?" He asked slightly confused because they didn't have to leave until the evening.

 

"Uh, I'm just going to the studio to go catch up on some lyrics, that's all" He reassured him.

 

"Hm okay. Be home soon hyung" He said, his eyes resembling crescent moons. Jihoon nodded and Hansol left the room.

 

It was hard being Seventeens producer, it drained him in every way possible. Having the responsibility over the success of 13 members was a burden to him yet he still strived to meet everyone's standards. He packed his headphones into his backpack and he was on his way out the door.

 

Usually no one would notice him leave the dorm, even if he passed by them. This time, Seungcheol noticed him trying to scurry out of the dorm. When he met eyes with Jihoon before he could step out the door, Seungcheol gave him a warm smile. Jihoon looked at the leader and gave him the slightest smile before closing the door on his way out.

 

Since it was daytime, the weather was warm and the sun was high up in the sky. Although the weather was beautiful, Jihoon didn't want to waste anytime admiring it since he had work to do. When he reached the Pledis building, he took the stairs to the top floor where his studio was located.

 

He the lights to the small room, and it was just the way he left it. A keyboard decorated with sheets upon sheets of music, his computer lined with figurines, a mic and table surrounded  with various buttons and knobs, all these components made up his studio. He was proud of what he had built up over the years, along with the music he was able to produce in this room.

 

After placing his backpack on the ground and grabbing his headphones, he went straight to business. On his computer he opened multiple files, to see where he had left off from the day before. He reviewed the melodies and lyrics, they were alright. All the pressure of carrying the weight of 12 people changed him, everything had to be perfect. Competition is everywhere, everything that Seventeen performed had to be perfect.  

 

In the dimmed room, soft music could be heard and the scribbling of ink against paper. Jihoon was at it, consumed by his determination to produce something beautiful. He was hunched over on the desk, bobbing his head to the music with his eyes closed, he was in pure bliss. He grazed his fingers over the messy words, he repeated them in his head with the melodies and something wasn't right. All of a sudden his stomach dropped, something in his mind shifted.

 

'These lyrics aren't good, they don't match the rhythm at all. What am I thinking?'. It was always a constant battle between his perfectionist mind, maybe it was all the pressure, the constant strain on his brain.

 

'Seventeen can't perform something like this, this needs to be better’ thoughts like these clouded his mind.

 

Then, there was a knock at the door and Jihoon panicked. He looked at the clock and it was already 4:30 pm, he needed to leave for the broadcast.

 

Quickly he shut down his computer, grabbed his backpack and  opened the door. It was Seokmin,

 

"Hyung, we need to go now. Hurry, the van is parked outside the building" He hurriedly said to Jihoon, he then raced down the stairs because Jihoon could say anything else.

 

He locked the door to his studio and he jogged down the stairs to the front door. As he went down the halls he could hear the faint screaming of the fans, he braced himself. Seokmin had already passed through the doors and made it safely to the van thanks to the body guards.

 

When the doors opened and Jihoon walked out, he smiled at all the fans despite his exhaustion. The girls all cooed and "awed" at him as he tried to make it to the van, he heard fans screaming about how cute and small he was. Such comments made him feel self conscious about his build but his face was beaming the entire time.

 

He stepped into the bus with the members. They all greeted him with a little smile or wave, Jihoon waved at them and found a seat between Soonyoung and Seungcheol. Seungcheol knew in the back of his mind that something wasn't right with Jihoon. It wasn't the lack of sleep or the busy atmosphere, it was something else. As a leader he felt obligated to ensure that he was okay.

 

Everything was hectic, makeup artists finishing up the last touches on Seventeens’ faces, members running around to find mics while others were  warming up. These were the moments that Jihoon anticipated because, he knew that something magical was about to happen. Backstage everyone gathered around in a circle and gave encouraging speeches before going on stage. They walked on and could hear the fans screaming. Jihoon was excited, it was time to showcase all their hard work.

 

They got into their positions and the director counted down. The stage was where Jihoon felt most connected with the members because the songs that he made were the ones that brought them together. In all performances Jihoon felt unity, everything just clicked when they were on stage. From the background vocals to the solo parts, they all contributed to this breathtaking performance. Even if it was just the short duration of a 4 minute song, he felt at home with the others, he finally felt like family.

 

The song ended quickly and everyone was in their end poses, panting while the crowd still cheered loudly. The lights dimmed and the members began to bow to the production staff, thanking them. Finally they got off stage and walked down to their dressing room. Seventeen definitely livened up the halls as they walked down, cheering because of their amazing performance.

 

"My voice didn't crack this time" Seokmin laughed and Soonyoung jokingly hit him. The members played around with each other like this all the time.

 

Jihoon just stayed quiet while they walked, forcing himself to laugh at the member's jokes. When they got to the dressing room they cleaned up and changed into comfy clothing. They all waited on the couches and chairs for their bus to come and pick them up. Seungcheol was surprised to get a call from their manager letting them know that their practice was cancelled and they had the rest of the night to relax,  exactly what they needed.

 

"Kids listen up, I don't know why, but our manager just told me that practice was cancelled so we get the night off!" He practically yelled. It was a very rare occurrence but nonetheless they didn't question it.

 

Back at the dorm it was very lively, nights off were great. Some members were at the gym or playing playing video games while some used their time to get some extra sleep. Jihoon on the other hand didn't have time to relax. He had deadlines to meet and songs to produce. Being Seventeens producer and leader of the vocal unit, took a toll on his mindset. His top priority was to work hard to meet his own standards. With work on his mind, he grabbed his headphones and keys and headed out the door.

 

Seungkwan was on his phone near the door and he bumped into Jihoon. "Oh sorry hyung... where you going? it's our night off?" He asked the vocal leader.

 

“I just really wanna finish up on this new song, our CEO gave me a week deadline" He told him in a rather stressed tone.

 

"Alright, good luck" Seungkwan said and patted him on the back. Jihoon shrugged it off and continued out the door.

 

He followed his routine of walking to the building, keeping a fast pace. It was 10 pm and it had gotten cold, the stars dotted the sky through the lights of the buildings. Jihoon loved the night because it was quiet. He was feeling stressed and lonely, while walking to the building he began to reminisce.

 

It took him back to music class in high school. Other students would laugh at him because of his aspirations to become a singer. He was always quite lonely, with only having a few friends here and there. When it came to girls on the other hand, he has no experience whatsoever. He’s never had a girlfriend, or a friend who was a girl for that matter. Sometimes even the teachers would even doubt him.

 

“Jihoon, I think you need more practice” the teachers would often tell him.

 

His experience when he was younger made him so insecure of his voice and musical skills however, it pushed him to work hard. He wanted to show all those kids and teachers that he was something more than a music student, that he was an artist.

 

Before he knew it he made it to the building, he trudged up the stairs, his heavy footsteps echoing through the hall. He turned the corner and reached his studio, unlocking the door and stepped inside. He could never be away from his studio for more than a couple hours, it just never felt right.

 

He the computer and sat down. The room was pretty warm and everything felt right, except for the fact that he had to finish composing this song in less than a week. He sat in his chair and it was silent for a second, he thought about the deadline. He quickly turned his chair to face the piano and he pressed each finger on each key, the sound echoing on his computer. He layered each beat until he was satisfied. The night continued on with the melody of piano keys and various beats.

    

The clock struck 2 am, which was still pretty early to Jihoon. To his dismay he had to get home as soon as possible  and sleep, because they had a radio interview the next morning.  Jihoon saved all his work his his computer and he turned off the lights to his studio.

 

When he turned to lock the door, the CEO was passing by. Jihoon looked at him and bowed.

 

“You’re still here, good work Jihoon. You know, you really are the backbone of Seventeen. I’m waiting on that new song, Jihoon. I hope it’s as amazing as the other ones” He looked down at Jihoon with a stern yet friendly gaze.

 

“Ah yeah, I can’t wait for you to hear it” Jihoon said to him obviously lying. The CEO then ruffled his hair and walked down the hall. He was terrified.

 

When he got to the dorm, he entered as quietly as possible to not wake up the others. When he looked up after taking off his shoes, his eyes met with Seungcheol. Seungcheol looked at him before he took a seat on the couch, inviting him to sit on the empty space beside him.  Jihoon followed suit in silence and sat beside the leader, looking at him with tired eyes. The atmosphere was heavy, quiet yet calm but Jihoon felt otherwise. Seungcheol had a genuinely concerned look on his face, he had stayed up to wait for Jihoon to come home. Jihoon was very nervous, almost to the point where he was shaking.

 

“Jihoon-ah, are you okay?” Seungcheol said softly with a distinct tone of worry in his voice. The leader looked in his eyes, as if he were trying to look for the truth.

 

“I- I’m good” He said, with a fake smile on his face. Seungcheol saw right through his facade and it was obvious that he was hiding something.

 

“No you’re not Jihoon. Listen to me, I’ve known you for many years and although we might not be as close as the others, I’m worried about you. It’s okay not to be okay, you can tell me Jihoon.” He said.

 

Finally Jihoon reached his limit and soon all the feelings he has been hiding was going to pour out. He lifted his head up to Seungcheol and looked at him with such lonely eyes. For a moment, it was silent and the leader searched beyond Jihoon’s gaze and saw his desperation. Jihoon bit his lip and tears began to race down his face. He furiously tried to wipe his tears away but Seungcheol stopped him, wrapping Jihoon in his warm embrace.

 

“It’s okay” he whispered to him.

 

“I- I just don’t know where to start” Jihoon stuttered through his cries.

 

“ I love our members but I don’t feel close to them. We’ve been trainees together for years but I always feel like I’m left in the dark. I know I’m not as funny  as the others but I just want to feel like a brother to all of you. I’m jealous  that everyone can talk to each other so easily but I can’t. I want to feel at home. It’s hard coming home everyday feeling like I’m invisible. I want to belong, you know ” His voice cracked and Seungcheol also began to tear up, he didn’t know he felt this terrible.

 

“And being me, ‘Seventeens album producer and vocal unit leader’ it’s hard, so hard hyung. I’m at a constant battle with myself. Everything needs to be perfect, everything I compose and produce has to be flawless. When the weight of 12 members is pulled by you, it’d be my fault if Seventeen fails. Hyung I’m suffering, it’s so difficult to reach the fill the role you’ve been given.” His breathing was staggered and his voice was shaky.

 

Seungcheol was in pain at the sight of Jihoon's misery. He grabbed Jihoon and hugged him. “It’s so hard hyung, I can’t handle it” He cried over the leader's shoulder. After a year of keeping his feelings to himself, he finally lost it.

 

“Jihoon I’m so sorry, I- just” Seungcheol bawled.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me Jihoon-ah? You know I’m here for you. Don’t let your thoughts drown you, I know it’s hard because I feel the same way. It might not seem like it, but taking care of all of you isn’t all that easy. I’ve been so preoccupied with the younger members that I didn’t realize that you’ve been hurting. I always thought that you were invincible, I know that this is kind of embarrassing but to me you’re like my hero.”

 

Jihoon, still teary-eyed, was shocked by his words.

 

“ But even heroes have their weaknesses huh?” Seungcheol joked.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I didn’t notice sooner.  But please, tell me. I don’t want to make you feel this way again,”

 

Jihoon’s vision began to blur with his tears as he was so touched by his leader’s comforting words. He poured his heart out to Seungcheol and for the first time in what seemed to be forever,  someone was there to listen.  

 

He felt much better when he woke up, having a heavy weight lifted off his shoulders was such a refreshing feeling. Seungcheol was there to jokingly greet him with a snippet of Good Morning by Verbal Jint. They both left the room to find Seventeen all eating breakfast together, boys scattered around the floor with chinese food in their hands. Seungcheol wanted Jihoon to feel comfortable so he took a seat beside him and just kept him company to try to ease into conversation.

 

Chan came around and looked at Jihoon and Seungcheol. “Here’s your food, hyungs. Eat up!” He showed them an eyesmile, handing them two bowls. He sat down beside him, and being the bright child that he is, he began to talk and talk about nonsense. This is what Jihoon needed, company. Chan made him smile and laugh, making Seungcheol even happier. It was a good morning at the Seventeen dorm.

 

Seventeen had a good schedule that morning, it was a radio interview. Interviews were pretty difficult, due to the fact that they had to cram 13 people between 5 mics. Nonetheless, their unique personalities blended perfectly. Jihoon was still the same, humble and quiet but he felt at home. Just looking around him and seeing how much fun everyone was having made him feel content. Jihoon was always in charge of answering the more professional questions, like explaining the meaning behind each song. Usually he would say about the same things but, this time was different, he felt more passionate. He was the glue that held everything together. The radio interview went smoothly, and they were off to spend the rest of the day.

 

Jihoon continued to spend his night as routine, he walked to the building but something was different. The weather was pretty gloomy, dark, and clouds covered the stars. Yet, Jihoon was at bliss. Walking through the Pledis halls was calming, he greeted everyone with a smile at those he passed. When he got to his studio, he took a deep breath before sitting down.

 

Although he was under a lot of stress and pressure, he approached things with optimism. Writing the lyrics felt like a breeze, gliding through verse after verse. He realized that being happy while doing what you love is key to success. Nonetheless, he was still strict about what came out of his time. Perfection was still his goal and he knew it would be impossible but it never hurts to try. It’s funny how after one night of pain, can bring so much happiness. Sometimes he struggled to find something pleasing, spending countless minutes deciphering on different notes but, he was able to overcome it. In the end he was pleased with his progress, and it was still early. Well, 11pm was an earlier time for him to finish his work. Jihoon decided that it was time to head home.

 

When he arrived at the dorm the stood at the doorway for a few seconds because something felt off, the atmosphere was tense, it was always a very rare occurrence. He tried to brush it off because he was feeling pretty happy that whole day, but anxiety began to build up in his system. Like deja vu, Seungcheol had greeted him as he got through the door.

 

“Hey Jihoon-ah. Do you mind if we have a family meeting?” He put a hand on Jihoon shoulder, trying to comfort him. Jihoon knew it was a rhetorical question.

 

“Alright, I’m ready” He said under his breath. It was time to finally let it out.

 

They walked into the living room and Jihoon was taken aback, all of Seventeen had gathered around, some members sitting on the couch, floor and chairs that they had pulled out. It was overwhelming, but Jihoon knew that good was to come out of this. The other members looked at him in confusion as to why they were there and others looked very concerned. He took a seat on the empty couch that they left especially for him and Seungcheol took a seat beside him as well.

 

“I know you guys are wondering why we’ve gathered here. We haven’t had a family meeting in a long time, it’s because we all got caught up in our practices and schedules. Now that we finally have time, we can discuss anything you guys want, and everything you guys have to say” He was very firm yet comforting, genuinely worried about the well-being of the members. He looked at Jihoon, almost motioning for him to speak up first.

 

Jihoon knew he had to do this on his own, he was supposed to be comfortable with these people and not hide his internal emotions. He took a deep breath and look around at the members.

 

“We’ve been a family for a long time now, but at sometimes I don’t feel part of it. I’m not trying to impose or anything it’s just that, I fell excluded you know. I might be quiet and softspoken but, I want to feel at home. I’m not asking for sympathy, I just want to have that close relationship with you guys...” He spoke softly, but his voice began to crack. Jihoon teared up.  

 

When Seventeen looked at Jihoon, their hearts broke. They didn’t know that he felt this way, and they felt guilty because they didn’t see it earlier. Seeing one of their strongest members letting their barriers down and showing their weakness, pulled on their heartstrings. There was not a dry eye in the room.

 

“Jihoon-ah, I’m so sorry. I wish we had seen it earlier. You know we love you, we just-” Soonyoung looked at Jihoon in the eyes and searched for forgiveness, He started sobbing and Jihoon walked to him and gave him a hug. He comforted a crying Soonyoung.

 

“Sometimes I don’t feel appreciated by you guys. I know you recognize the fact that I try my hardest for our music, but I just wish you guys understand how I feel, you know. I spent most my time in the studio being burdened by producing and composing, to come home feeling invisible. Sometimes I feel insecure and small compared to you guys” Jihoon let it all out, along with his tears.

 

“We appreciate you Jihoon. You might not see it but, it was always you hyung. You gave us the music, the albums, the success. You were the outlet to showcasing all our talent, without yours, I don’t know where we would be” The quiet Jisoo spoke up. He too was tearing up, his heart ached at the thought of Jihoon being unappreciated.

 

Jihoon let go of Soonyoung and looked around at the members. He was grateful for Jisoo’s consoling words.. They were all crying and quietly reflecting. He could see Seungcheol crying the most, despite the fact that he already knew. The atmosphere began to warm up, the presence of each member made a huge difference. Just them listening to what Jihoon had to say made him happy. He knew that things were about to brighten up.

 

“Jihoon hyung come here” Mingyu had opened his arms and wanted to give him a hug. Jihoon smiled at the attempt to cheer him up. Mingyu wrapped his long arms around his small frame, and all the members crowded around in a group hug. Jihoon started to smile at all the love, he felt closer to them already. The tears of Seventeen were soon replaced with smiles. The room began to lighten up, some members giggled at the warm group hug. It only got better at this point. After almost a minute of hugs, they pulled apart and Seungcheol was the first to speak up,

 

“Let’s not be sad kids, it’s only going to get better,right?” He said optimistically.

 

“Yeah!” They all screamed happily.

 

“Woozi fighting, Woozi fighting!” Soonyoung started a chant, and everyone joined along and began to dance and cheer.

 

It just goes to show that, how you think of yourself isn’t necessarily how others think of you. All this time Jihoon felt unappreciated and insecure but Seventeen saw something different. They saw a hardworking, talented and kind person that occasionally showed his devilish side. They always knew him as Seventeens backbone which held them together in the most difficult times. Although they didn’t show their affection often, they were ready give him the love that he so deserved.

 

Jihoon was beyond happy at this point. Knowing that Seventeen could only become closer at this point forward, his face beamed. All his hard work lead up to this, the success of not only their music but the members. The bond that Seventeen had could never be broken.

 

“Now Jihoon hyung, all that hard work probably made you hungry. Let’s go get some meat!” Seokmin joked, but everyone knew he was being dead serious.

 

“Don’t’ worry guys, it’s on me” Jihoon said simply and everyone cheered.