mission debrief operation mama mission requested by dodo_kyungsoo1 length 15 chapters completed 08/02/2016 verdict pass agent dispatched agent nutella remember to credit us! archive home Coded by vigour / TRXSH     mission 4 worlds - 4 souls title Pass The title 4 Worlds- 4 Soulmates is broad yet specific.  On one hand you’re presenting the story in a literal sense, as the whole point is for your main character to travel to four worlds and meet her four soulmate.  The reader still has no idea what to expect because at first glance, I couldn’t be sure of what these worlds were or who she’d end up with on the account of there being four soulmates.  So the title is adequate but it’s not eye catching.  It’s not a title I would click on if I saw it in the passing probably because it seems too straightforward.  (However, I would like to suggest you replace the hyphen with a comma in the title.  That little detail was bothering me.) forecast

pass
With
Merit

Your description is good.  It provides the reader with the right amount of background information and then goes forward to summarize the the plot of the story to come.  The first impression I got was that it’s clearly a love story and the plot seems interesting.  It’s got a little quirk to it and it would honestly make me check out at least the first chapter.  There’s one grammatical mistake in the second sentence in which you write “Her and her boyfriends” where it should be “She and her boyfriends.”

 

It’s perfectly okay to include character profiles in forewords but the ones you’ve made are puzzling.  Every character besides Misa does not have an Age or World, only a character trait.  Unless it’s extremely important to point out that we should not know those things, it seems a bit pointless.  Also, the information is a bit inaccurate.  In the story, it’s pretty clear that Kris is from the Vampire world and Kai is from the Human World.  It would have also been nice to see Kris’ trait to be presented in a significant manner within the story because I don’t remember when he used his hypnotic stare.  His part of the story is over, so that can’t be remedied unless we see him again.  Also, it’s never really shown that Misa is allergic to ramen (which is a really weird but amusing allergy to have) but the story isn’t over so maybe you have plans for that to show up in the future.  From the profiles, I would say Doojoon’s sounds the most interesting, because you’ve sold him as a mysterious prince with dark secrets.

foundation pass

Depending on whichever tense you use, I notice that the formality of your writing changes.  When you write Misa in first person, the language is more laid back and internal, which really emphasized that I was reading into someone’s head.  That included the usage of swear words, which you can see a lack of in the passages that were written in third person.  I truly believe that I would have been able to follow the story without the little notes that marked the beginning and end of different POV’s.  Aside from that, your vocabulary direct and simple, which doesn’t leave and room for many spelling mistakes.  Non native English speakers would be able to understand your story with a basic knowledge of the language.

 

Your grammar isn’t too bad and that’s usually the biggest issue with me.  The most common errors I noticed within your writing was related to dialogue.  I noticed there are a few places that I saw the capitalization of pronouns such as she, he, them, after a quotation mark.  There does not need to be a comma after an action follow by the dialogue.  For example:  Suho pointed somewhere on the list, "This, this. Human's blood."  The sentence should end with a period after the word list.  

 

The usage of romanized Korean is minimum, mainly used for oppa and hyung so I didn’t have a huge issue with it.

aesthetics pass Your poster is pretty and even though it seems a bit small, I really enjoy looking at it.  It doesn’t exactly capture the mood of the story overall.  After reading all fifteen chapters, I’d classify your story as a dramatic romcom, kind of like a cliche kdrama.  The poster gives off the feeling that the story will be angst ridden and tragic, but it’s still beautiful so I’ll pass you for this category.  The background is a match to the poster, not too distracting and it looks good whether I keep my sidebar on the right or left.  The story’s aesthetics are commendable.  The font, spacing and coloring are consistent throughout all fifteen chapters, which is just perfect to me.  I could not be more happy about it. plot pass
With
Merit

The plot is interesting.  Misa’s been hurt so many times that she’s all but given up on finding love until God decides that Luhan should help her find true love.  She’s been given the opportunity to travel to four different world and spend time with four soulmates.  So far within the fifteen chapters you’ve written, Misa has gotten her heart broken, met Luhan, traveled to the vampire world and fallen in love with Kris, left Kris and potentially found her next soulmate.  The bulk of the story takes place in the Vampire world and that was interesting to read but I had noticed some major plotholes that had me a bit frustrated as I read.  I had a ton of questions after I was done reading, which may be a good or a bad thing for you.  I’m not sure what you have planned and if you’ll answer these things as you continue writing your story.

 

How does Luhan know who her soulmates are?  Where is he getting this information?  He knows that Kris the vampire prince is the soulmate in the Vampire World but in Chapter 14, he suddenly has no idea how to track down Misa’s human soulmate.  Why can he only do it sometimes? His character is a little too mysterious and requires more development.  

 

What does Luhan being an angel have to do with not knowing his age?  I can understand if he gave up counting but he should at least know if he’s over 100, 200, etc.  Where did this “you can old spend one month with your soulmate” rule come from and why didn’t Luhan explain it to her before they went to the vampire world?

 

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