mission debrief operation mama mission requested by: tender rose writing competition for TheBookworm length 1 chapter completed 20/03/16 flame rating white hot agent dispatched agent ERIS a credit would be lovely archive home Coded by vigour / TRXSH   Special mission: confessions of a tooth fairy This review covers the description and first chapter of the fic and is a prize for the Fast Track: Readers' Choice Award category of the Tender Rose writing competition and was the readers' favourite in the Enter The Unicorn theme.

Description
You have a nice snappy title and an even punchier description.  I have to say, right from the start when you first entered this, I was sold the instant I saw the description.  It's playful; it's interesting; it does absolutely everything a good description should do.  We know who the main character is; we know a little bit about her likes and dislikes; we know what her aim is.  We also know what the major problem is (she's been abducted) and what the stakes are (they could be killed).  The only way the description could possibly be improved is by a little tweaking to vocabulary that gets repeated, but really, that's about it.

In terms of repeated vocabulary, the second paragraph has "she almost gets stepped on", "nearly gets eaten alive by" and "when she gets kidnapped" all in pretty quick succession (and in the space of two sentences).  While it's perfectly idiomatic English, it does stand out because it's an enhanced, more vivid form of the verb.  I'd personally advocate changing the "nearly gets eaten alive" to either "is nearly eaten alive" or simply just having it as "nearly eaten alive" (with the "gets" implied from previously).  Regarding names, for consistency's sake it ought really to be either Min Seok and Sun Hwa or Minseok and Sunhwa, but that's a minor detail.  Another minor detail is the last sentence of the description, which reads: "they need to escape before the scientists decide they're not needed anymore, and kill them."  Because English doesn't have the most succint syntax when it comes to expressing indirect statements, putting that comma there makes it look like "and kill them" is being removed from the indirect statement and part of what Sun Hwa and Minseok need to do, rather than part of what the scientists are planning to do, so it might be best to remove that.
  Chapter 1
This story is a romp fro