A bullet would have hurt less .
What if you get to the point where " fake " is what first comes to mind when you think of love ? Not just in a romantic sense .
What if such emotion feels foreign now that you can't imagine yourself loving someone genuinely and by the same token , you will never allow yourself to believe someone genuinely loves you .. As a friend , family member or anyone ..
What if ?
~ •♦• ~
When Byunghun finally decided to get out of his cocoon and work on a song with brave brothers , he was in for a surprise , in the least of terms .
Because now standing in front of him is the very reason why he curled himself in a cocoon to begin with .
Their eyes met briefly , too brief to scan each other’s whole figure after so much time has passed .
Of course .. They both cursed inwardly for not seeing that coming .
A songwriter and a singer .. what are the odds ?
As minutes dragged by , many other people piled in , crowding the room and thankfully acting as a distraction . However , kang dong-chul assumed that they didn't personally know each other so he made it his job to do just that .
It was awkward and hurried but kang noticed the feeling of unease coating the air and recognition swirling in both of their eyes . He couldn't help but ask if they knew each other . To which he got a simple but concise response .
" We do . " They both said , unwilling to disclose any more information regarding that matter . Luckily , Kang took the hint and decided to get to work .
Rigid and tense , that’s how the ex lovers spent the first five minutes or so until the need to act professional forced them to focus on more pressing matters . Soon enough , they were working in a more relaxed manner and almost forgot about their unexpected barging in each other's lives once again . Until Chanhee announced he would be leaving .
Apparently , Byunghun's mind had yet to realize the fact when Chanhee takes his leave , he no longer implies that both of them are heading back home . Because he simply no longer existed in the equation .
And now Byunghun was standing , inwardly struggling for an excuse as belated realization hit him as hard as the questioning looks his colleagues had been giving him ever since he stood up , unconsciously making a fool of himself .
They didn't voice it out but their perplexed stares did that on their behalf .
Where are you going ?
That must have been the silent question running in all of their heads .
Chanhee obviously noticed the younger's inner turmoil and took no time to interfere .
“ Byunghun , you said you had something to tell me in private . “ Came the rescue ..
However , Byunghun recalled nothing of such sort and his innocent expression showed nothing but surprise .
He obviously had not said such thing , that much they could tell .
Smells like a cover up , they all thought suspiciously , wondering about the kind of relationship those two had . Nervously , the blonde sent a sheepish smile to everyone present and rushed after Chanhee who was smart enough to step out of the room before people got even more suspicious of the whole situation .
As soon as they were alone and out of the building , Byunghun yelled “ What are you doing ?? Not letting me move on yet not getting back together .. What's it that you want ? I don't take pleasure in such game of yours . “
the younger was seething and didn't bother hiding it . His tone , gesture and facial features joined forces - caught in the middle of a war he wished was not his to fight - . He did not appreciate the fact Chanhee had helped him like that - earlier - .
“ Neither do I ! Plus it's not a game . I hope you are not ignorantly thinking that you are the only one hanging on thin air . In case you didn't notice , I haven't moved on either ! ” Chanhee snapped back , unconsciously admitting what he should have never revealed . You can't blame him though . Who would be able to think straight after meeting their ex lover so suddenly ?
The blonde let out a scoff like chuckle , averting his eyes elsewhere before proceeding to give the other a piece of his mind .
What Chanhee just said made no sense at all . How dare he make it look like he was a victim as well when he was the one to end it all between them !
“ In case you forgot , the one deciding to break up was none other than you !! ” Byunghun exclaimed as he pointed accusing fingers towards the elder .
“ And you didn't Fight it ! ” Chanhee fumed up , realizing alittle too late that in the middle of their blame game , he ended up making his own excuse fire back at him .
Instantly , Byunghun‘s eyes widened at the sudden yell and the hidden meaning of the words directed at him altogether .
“ Wh .. What ?? ” Confused , Byunghun stuttered and shook his head softly .
The brunette winced , already imagining the barrage of accusations Byunghun was gonna throw at him .
Too late now .. He had slipped with his tongue and nothing could change that .
God !
He was never gonna hear the end of it .
Brilliant !!!
He had screwed up . Royally !!
“ Was it all a game to you ? Proposing we break up just to test my reaction ? “ The blonde paused long enough to retrieve his scattered thoughts and dispersed emotions but not enough to allow the other time to respond .
“ What kind of level did you steep to ?? ” Utter disbelief coating his voice , Byunghun eyed Chanhee 's figure as if trying to come up with an answer , a plausible one . He even took a step back , feeling betrayed as the old scars opened up anew , so fresh it stung .
But he wasn't the only one hurting .
A flicker of sadness and disappointment rippled in Chanhee's eyes as he retorted back “ What kind of level did YOU steep to , to think of me that lowly ? ”
~ • ♦ • ~
Impeccable white snow covered the windows and every inch it could reach , making everything feel snow soft and mysteriously pure . Layers and layers of snow blanketed the streets , every inch , shelf and roof , painting the perfect Christmas-like picture - .
The snow , Like a possessively desperate lover going out of their way to make sure their beloved never left them , allowed no one and nothing , living or not , the way out once buried .
Simply put , once buried . You are buried for good .
The gentle Breeze flew past trees making them shift back and forth , only to turn into powerful wind gushing by , its sound fading in and out filling the city with a distant cold echo .
A Pleasant scenery it was .. On the outside . Byunghun was on the phone speaking to Changhyun , more like complaining about how freezing cold it was .
“ Yea ! It's biting cold here . I'm nearly freezing ! ” As soon as he said that , a pair of warm hands cradled his whole being all of a sudden .
He couldn't help but lean in , appreciating the sudden yet welcomed warmth emitting from his lover .
Byunghun sat curled on the sofa , gazing at the furnace and soon found himself trapped , walking down the memory lane .
He had been craving warmth but now it merely felt as though extra heat , draped over his shoulders , neck and entire being , almost suffocating him in its vice like grip . He couldn't help the dark twist of emotions invading his heart , making it lurch and nearly rot at the now bittersweet memory . A weak smile etched itself on his face as he ruefully recalled such times . other than that , he showed no sign of grief .
How long has it been ? Weeks ? Months ? A year ? He wasn't sure but it felt like a lifetime since they .. broke up . It still left a bitter aftertaste .
Shivering as he longed for the lost sensations , the tender touch , the forgotten warmth , Byunghun curled himself in a ball , burying his face in his knees and silently wept .
So lonely .. He felt like someone had just shoved daggers in his heart mercilessly impaling so deep it actually felt so real that he panted feeling everything in his being clamoring for his lover as hot tears flowed down his face painfully slow like the act itself demanded so much of the energy he didn't even have . It stung terribly , in every single aspect .
Who knew that the wheel of fate would spin and they would end up crossing paths again .
~ • ♦• ~
Chanhee walked down the hallway of Brave Entertainment , with another guy called Jiho . They headed to the soda can machine to bring refreshments for the whole staff .
Out of kindness , Chanhee offered to go but secretly he needed some fresh air away from his ex lover . How was he supposed to act for the love of Lucifer ?
A groan next to him attracted his attention . Chanhee turned his head and looked at Jiho questioningly .
The guy spoke up , explaining “ Oh man . I can’t find what Byunghun wanted me to get him . He needed some ice tea or something . Oh well . I will just get him this one . “ Jiho reached for a flavor Byunghun hated but he didn’t know that . Only Chanhee did .
“ No ! “ Chanhee exclaimed preventing the other from reaching the can .
Startled and confused , Jiho shrugged not knowing where he'd gone wrong . Before he could ask though , Chanhee dropped another flavor in the bag mumbling “ This will do . “
He soon reprimanded himself , inwardly face palming .
One of those days , people are gonna find out because of how obvious he was being . But really . he couldn’t just let the guy get Byunghun a flavor he hated . Could he ?
When they got back to the studio , Chanhee started handing everyone their drinks whilst Jiho handed the other half including Byunghun .
The pout on the blonde’s face as he realized it was not his favorite flavor made an unconscious smile creep its way to Chanhee’s lips . At least it was not something he hated .
Thankfully , that Jiho guy didn’t end up revealing how Chanhee helped him pick up another flavor for Byunghun . The brunette definitely needed no more awkwardness with the younger . Yea , they were doing a good job pretending nothing was wrong and all . But that didn’t mean they were back to normal either or comfortable enough to have long conversations . Any , in fact .
~ • ♦ • ~
Noise , crowds , disco lights ..
Chanhee made his way to his friend , the bartender , and ordered his favorite .
You may ask why ? What brings him here ? Why drink ? And you wouldn’t get a solid answer , just a shrug and pursed lips curling downwards .
Chanhee didn’t know why exactly he felt the need to go and drink . Maybe it had all crashed down on him at once .. or maybe the tremendous effort he put in work finally took a toll on him that he needed a respite from it .. or maybe he just wanted to feel numb for few hours , stop thinking about a certain blonde haired songwriter and let loose all the emotions he normally couldn’t in front of the people he knew .
He , however , was soon snapped out of his thoughts as he heard an extremely loud crash accompanied people shouting and a colorful stream of profanities resonating about the whole place .
That is too loud even for a bar , Chanhee thought absently .
It was then that he realized he was in fact halfway gone , drank too much .
“ Hey , man . what’s that about ? “ He turned his head and asked Daejung , the bartender .
“ It’s that guy again , kevin woo . He has a bad reputation ( women , drug abuse , fights , you name it ) , causes troubles every time and ends up storming his way outside lest he gets kicked out . “
Chanhee turned his head to the crowd and tried to follow Daejung’s line of sight and see who that kevin was .
“ I have always thought he looked quite familiar and now I know why . you guys share a lot of similarities , Chanhee . “
The one being addressed narrowed his eyes , trying to take a good look at the guy and found out that indeed , he resembled him . Chanhee’s eyebrows shot up in amusement at that but then the alcohol got to him and he found himself dizzy , vision blurring . He faintly realized the fact his friend was talking to him but none of the words seemed to register in his fogged up brain .
The next day , Chanhee woke up feeling delirious but was relieved to see he was home . Daejung must have helped him out .
Rubbing his face sluggishly , Chanhee sighed and spent few more minutes just sitting on the bed before finally getting up .
He got himself a sprite bottle to ease the hangover effects and prepared a simple breakfast - toast and fried eggs - for two .
Wait what ?
For tw-
“ ! “ Chanhee slammed a hand on the counter and the other on his forehead .
His mind insisted - out of routine - to do just that , to make him prepare breakfast for two and remind him of that which he could no longer have .
Staring at the food as if it was the one to blame , he sighed deeply and rubbed his temple then grabbed the plates and went to the living room , flopped down on the couch and decided the television would no doubt brighten his mood . which turned out just fine since it distracted him enough to make him unconsciously eat despite his previously bitter mood .
And before he knew it , Chanhee realized the rest of the day has passed by with him either spacing out , sleeping or simply doing nothing productive . A wave of boredom and loneliness surged through his being at the thought .
Boredom and loneliness , a monster lurking in the shadows tearing you up from the inside out . Byunghun concluded .
It was about two weeks ago that his world came crumbling down over his head and he was left to nurse the pain of being abandoned for no solid reason .
He had been locking himself in his apartment ever since , trying to process the fact he was really single . That’s how he ended up scrolling past the posts he saved on Facebook until he reached 2001 ..
The number felt like an arrow shot straight to his heart ..
He inched closer to his laptop screen and kept staring at the number , vision blurring in the process .
A bitter chuckle cut through the silence .
How lonely must he have been to end up going that far ?
How come he had nothing else to do ?
That was not the first time he caught himself deep in a world of pain and loneliness .
He could still remember the time he found himself clutching his backpack too tight as if seeking comfort from it .
Sighing at the state he was reduced to , Chanhee decided to take a walk . But he definitely didn’t expect chancing upon such scene as he strolled down the mall . His mood that he just managed to improve few minutes before instantly darkened as he took in the scene in front of him .
A very familiar blonde together with another familiar brown haired guy sat on a table , having a date as it seemed .
Chanhee seethed .
It was that guy he saw in the bar the day before , Kevin Woo , sitting with Byunghun and shamelessly wiping his thumb on the blonde’s sauce - stained lips .
Chanhee knew Byunghun wouldn't just let anyone do that unless .. unless it was his boyfriend .
The realization hit him like a goddamn punch in the gut .
Boyfriend ?
Byunghun got himself a new boyfriend ? and who ? a player and troublemaker..
He wanted so much to go there , punch the hell out of that Kevin , yell at him to and tell Byunghun everything . Chanhee knew what he saw . The day before , that guy had a girl clinging to him the whole time and he wasn’t fighting it . on the contrary , he was encouraging her.
Put plainly , he was cheating on Byunghun !
Are you sure that’s the only reason you want him to break up with kevin ?
Or is it because you can’t stand the idea of him dating another ?
A voice in the back of his mind quipped .
Should he tell Byunghun later ? Or would it be better if he never got himself involved with the blonde again ?
After all , it’s none of his business who the blonde dated .
Unbeknownst to him , a certain blonde’s gaze landed on Chanhee .
The first emotion to show on Byunghun’s face was utter surprise .
Having Chanhee witness his date with Kevin felt oddly wrong .
Why though ? Did he really want the brunette to believe he was still single so he could make a move on him ?
~ ♦ ~
One day , kevin went to Byunghun’s apartment and spent time there like usual but knew the night would be different . He was starting to get seriously attracted to the blonde and wanted to confront him about it . He also wanted to confess and ask for forgiveness .
They were sitting on the couch almost cuddling until kevin took things a little too far and almost undressed Byunghun who shied away instantly . Deep inside , the blonde felt horrified by his own actions . Why ? Why couldn't he let Kevin proceed further ?
“ I.. Byunghun , I’m sorry . I know we agreed not to but .. I can’t help feeling attracted to you . Give us a chance .” Kevin pleaded trying to take the other’s hands in his and convey his feelings . But the blonde started shaking his head in disbelief and disapproval . He didn’t want that . He didn't want a serious relationship . Byunghun wasn't even paying attention to the elder's words because in that moment he was in a world of his own . Kevin though , was having none of it . He wanted Byunghun in every way possible and for that to happen , he needed to forge his way to the younger's heart and mind . It wasn't going to be easy though especially considering his playboy nature .
“ Listen to me . I‘m serious . That’s why you must know I did .. cheat on you . But we can start anew with no secrets . I have always been a player but no more . I’m being honest with you , Byunghun . “
Laughing in pure misery , the younger fought to compose himself .
He didn’t feel betrayed at all and that was .. odd .
Even now I can only think of how it would have been like if it was Chanhee talking to me , asking for forgiveness ..
“ No , Kevin . It’s not your fault .. Anyone would do that and I won’t be bothered . “ After few minutes , Byunghun finally responded in a calm , albeit broken tone .
The elder blinked , confused .
He and Byunghun have both agreed to date just to forget past relationships .
They have agreed to be comfortable around each other to help one another forget but no actual love , no sleeping . Until just now , he made his move advancing on Byunghun , suddenly saying he wanted to take things seriously and cornered the unsuspecting blonde who found himself frozen at such escalation .
Byunghun didn't know why but he had no , - no and once more no - Feelings for the guy .
When he first agreed to be Kevin’s boyfriend , he did it for two reasons ; to forget Chanhee and convince himself he could go on .
Yea . that’ why you chose someone who shares a great resemblance with him . Something inside him mocked .
Why couldn’t he feel anything for kevin ?
Because he really didn't have romantic feelings towards him or was it because the guy wasn't Chanhee ? If him not being Chanhee was the reason then no matter how much Byunghun tried to move on and dated 100000 others , Chanhee would still occupy his mind , heart and life . And if that was the case , he was doomed , pretty terribly doomed at that . No.. That was not gonna happen . He would make sure of it . Chanhee was not allowed in his life ever again .
~ •♦• ~
It has been a few moments since Chanhee arrived at the studio and started chatting randomly with Byunghun who had on an uninterested look the whole time . The blonde was sitting on the ground and leaning on the wall of the studio working on the lyrics of a song .
“ We both know we are far past the point of leading this conversation .. Why are you here ? “ the younger suddenly accused . It was well known that only Byunghun occupied the studio that time of the day and so it wasn't exactly hard figuring out that Chanhee did intend to talk and wasn't just passing by as he claimed he was .
On the other hand , Chanhee didn't know why but Byunghun sure seemed hostile all of a sudden . He couldn't even start guessing why . The last time they met , everything was going fairly smooth . Why now ? he had hoped they were making progress as friends .. Who knows . they may end up being the first ex couple to ever defy the all too popular belief ( friends to lovers yea but lovers to friends , impossible )
Could it be ? Was Byunghun already in a bad mood or did he have a feeling that the topic Chanhee came to discuss would not be to his liking ? Well , it made sense . After all , if the blonde knew Chanhee came here to tell him that his new boyf- .. that thing , was cheating on him and quite shamelessly at that , the younger would surely not appreciate hearing it from his ex of all people .
It was some time later , after Chanhee witnessing the date , that Byunghun deliberately introduced Kevin to Chanhee . It took the brunette everything in him not to jump on that Kevin guy and strangle him .
" I saw him the other day but I didn't know he was going out with you . He was having fun with a girl . " Chanhee decided to go straight to the point , referring to the disco night .
Time ticked by painfully awkward . Chanhee could hear the sound of the fan moving , fading in and out . He was being ignored .. by the last person he wanted to .. sweet .. What was even sweeter was Byunghun's following words .
“ I don't concern myself with your personal affairs , Chunji . “ Cold and almost emotionless , Byunghun stated .
And I suggest you do the same . As unspoken as it was , Chanhee could already catch the message the younger had not bothered to audibly convey .
“ He is using you !! “ The elder had tried to make it sound casual . However , he ended up terribly sounding more like a jealous lover than a concerned friend .
“ It's not called using If I already know all about his game . “ Byunghun simply revealed , still leaning on the mirrored wall of the studio , a stack of papers resting on his lap .
Moments of disbelief passed by before Chanhee finally spoke up , his tone something in between disbelief , questioning and confirming it out .
“ You are letting yourself get used ? “ The elder concluded , eyes narrowed , utter astonishment evident on his expression , tone and whole figure .
“ No . In fact , I'm using him just as much as he thinks he is ' using me ' as you so delicately put it . If anything , I'm the only one using people here . “ Clarified Byunghun , getting rapidly annoyed as he stood up and made to leave but then realized he had to say something else .
“ And , Chunji .. “ He stood by the door and trailed off sending the other a cold look .
“ Do us all a favor and stop it with this so called friendship charade . Trust me , It’s getting you nowhere . “ He added solemnly and left . He didn't bother to correct Chanhee's information , that Kevin told him the truth , asked for forgiveness and a serious relationship . Simply because it was none of the elder's business .
About five minutes later , rushed footsteps echoed about the nearly vacant corridor but so-hyun noticed none of it .
She was still bending down seemingly unable to process the fact the paper she held so dearly seconds ago in great shape , intact and straight now got reduced to shards of white pieces littering the tiled floor .
“ Did Byunghun come here ?? ” Came a decent looking Chanhee ( as usual ) , albeit having a hard time warring against his own emotions , panicking and feeling anxious deep inside .
Nodding , she answered “ yea . Looking thoroughly pissed off , I may add . “ She still couldn't believe that the said blonde ripped the paper apart when she beamed at him , bragging about her worthwhile efforts coming up with a title for the song .
“ Look ! It is clear that whenever you two are a considerable distance away or close , there has to be a wave of intense tension accompanying the air . tension of what sort ? I m not in the slightest bit interested . I kept telling myself it's none of my business . However , when your chaotic encounters go as far as costing me so much as the - flattening hours I spent on that goddamn chair working my off then hell yeah .. It is actually my business and I have every right to interfere regarding whatever it is going on between you guys !! "
After that outburst , so-hyun dragged Chanhee to where Byunghun was and started complaining about her work .
“ Since it’s your fault , you two are to work on choosing a title for the song instead of the ones you tore apart . “
At first , Byunghun tried to bail out but then realized it was indeed his fault . However , he had a right to be angry after that conversation with Chanhee . Speaking of which ..
“ Fine .. But not with him . I can’t stand being in the same place with him . “ Byunghun agreed on one condition .
Confused , so-hyun frowned . then and as she let her gaze fall over Chanhee , she noticed how the younger's harsh words affected him .
“ Byunghun , you went too far . “ She nudged him and signaled towards the said brunette .
“ Look at his pained expression . “ She whispered trying not to cause Chanhee any more discomfort .
But Byunghun only ended up doing the exact opposite .
“ Hah ?? Don't make me laugh . Do you really think that someone like Chanhee is actually capable of wearing a pained expression , much less feel insulted by anyone’s words ?! ” It was a rhetorical question meant to add insult to injury and Byunghun was truly enjoying every moment of it too much he didn't even bother to hide it .
If anything , Chanhee felt dejected hearing those words come out of Byunghun of all people especially since the younger knows his words were nothing but a big fat lie . Byunghun knew - like the back of his hand - that Chanhee was very much capable of getting hurt and showing it .
However , the fact he had allowed himself to say it out loud and in front of others meant he , not only knew but also planned to fully exploit that knowledge to the max .
Byunghun’s words weren't mere remarks meant as a fleeting insult induced by anger or whatsoever . Byunghun’s words had a very clear purpose , a message . I know I'm hurting you , Chanhee . I mean it . This is not just a smart comeback to win an argument or have the last say in it . Back then I wouldn't have a heart to say such words but now I do . so deal with it .
A person doesn't have to get his face wrinkled in agony , flinch or let out emotional gasps to be deemed in pain . Chanhee was in pain and shock , But showed none of it . Not only because he preferred to mask it . But because he truly didn't know how to express it with facial features especially not in front of others .
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