It’s been exactly one year now. 365 days have passed. Around 52 weeks have come and gone and she still couldn’t forget about him. His smile was still plastered in the mirror every morning when she looked into it while his laugh rang through the house, like the ringing of the phone, every time she made a face at everyday annoying things. She could see him sitting on the couch while she cooked, laughing when the pan caught fire, or grinning whenever she lost at one of his favorite video games he’d begged her to play with him, just so he could beat her.

An entire year and it all felt as if it were just yesterday. If it weren’t for their son whom she watched slowly grow up every day, she’d be willing to swear that no time had passed and she was stuck in a never ending loop in time that repeated the same day over and over again. It wasn’t fair. None of it. He didn’t deserve the ending he had gotten and she didn’t want to believe that he was truly gone.

She could feel a few tears slipping, running down her cheeks as she remembered him as if it were yesterday. Her mind was brought back to reality when she felt a small hand pulling on her sleeve. Wiping the tears from her face she looked down at her son’s confused face and smiled at him.

“What do you say we go clean out daddy’s stuff?” she questioned the one year old in the cheeriest voice she could muster, and the toddler smiled brightly back at her.“You look so much like him when you smile. Do you know that my little Park Myung?”  

Picking him up and placing him on her hip, SunHee's smile faded at the thought of finally going up to the attic to fetch her late husband’s things to sort through. Myung held on tightly to his mother as she slowly opened the door that led to the dark staircase going up to the attic. It was only lit by the sunlight that shone through the small window at the top. The boy had never liked the dark, something he had gotten from his mother.

SunHee made sure to hold onto Myung as tight as he held onto her as she set one foot in front of the other, being very careful with the old stairs. It didn’t take her long to reach the top, and the sight before her placed a small smile on her face. Everything was left behind by him the day he left her. The day he left them. SunHee missed him so much. She clearly remembered the days after, packing everything up into boxes, labeling them with “Gone” and dragging them up the stairs only to throw them into the dark abyss known as the attic. Tears had flooded her eyes and she slept her life away for the next week until a little someone inside her stomach decided it was time to get up. Now when she thinks about it, if it hadn’t been for her son telling her to get up and move, SunHee probably would have never left that bedroom. She would have spent the rest of her life in there feeling sorry for herself, slowly wasting away.

Myung tugged on his mother’s shirt once more, pointing at all of the boxes. SunHee smiled, setting him down to run to the nearest box and opening it only to have dust fly everywhere, making him sneeze and giggle. She smiled at her son and watched as he rummaged through the box. Her eyes widened when he pulled out a large, light brown teddy bear. The boy laughed and immediately hugged the bear close to his chest while SunHee could feel the tears well up in her eyes.

“Here. You keep the dark brown teddy bear and I’ll keep the light brown one,” a boy smiled brightly as he handed a light brown teddy bear over to a girl. “They’ll be like couple bears! Even though that bear isn’t nearly as cute as you.”

He grinned and she blushed, playfully hitting his arm.

“Yah...you’re so cheesy! But...thank you. They’re cute,” she whispered the last part, hugging the bear closely to her chest. The boy frowned and sat next to her, leaning his head on her shoulder.

“Cuter than me?” he asked with a pouting face.

The girl smiled and lightly kissed his cheek. “Never cuter than you, Kyungie!”

Staring at Myung tightly hugging the dark brown to him and smiling as brightly as his father used to brought tears back to SunHee’s eyes. She knew it would take her all to just be able to look through his things, but she honestly expected to make it a little longer than she had.

“Daddy,” the toddler said in a hushed tone and ran over to his mother, gripping the teddy bear closely.

SunHee smiled sadly and kneeled down in front of him.

“Right. That was daddy’s teddy bear, but...how did you know that?” she asked, tears streaming down her face and her voice becoming shakier the longer she stared at the teddy bear.

Myung, staring up at his mother, took the bear’s arm and wiped her tears from her face smiling brightly, “Daddy!”

SunHee nodded, now able to smell Kyung’s scent all over the bear. It reminded her so much of him and she honestly couldn’t take it much longer. Seeing how attached the boy had become to the bear all of a sudden left her smiling. She let him run off with the bear in hand to rummage through another box.

SunHee sniffed, trying her best not to start crying again and attempt getting something done when her eyes caught something sparkling in a small box across the room. Keeping an eye on her son she slowly made her way past their memories, which were now boxed up and duct taped shut so none would try and escape. She had never noticed that box before and couldn’t remember ever putting up there. It was strange because her dreams refused to let her forget anything of Kyung’s, so what exactly was in this sparkling box?

Bending down, she picked it up and saw a heart shaped frame on the top, inside of which was a picture of Kyung smiling as brightly as the sunshine with her sitting by his side, with an equally bright smile. She couldn’t help but smile when memories started flooding her mind of the two of them together. Their time had been cut short and her love was now gone. Never again would she see his addicting smile, hear his sweet voice, feel his warm touch at night. Kyung was gone. Holding her new tears back, her vision became blurry as she read the text under the sparkling picture frame.

‘For when you need me’

I need you now! Where are you, Kyung?! Why aren’t you with me? Why did you have to get sick? Why did you …..die?

SunHee’s mind replayed their last moment over and over again as she sat on the floor, clutching the box close to her heart as if by some miracle he would somehow be able to come back the tighter she held onto it.

“Kyung…” SunHee stared as she looked down at the frail tiny body lying in the hospital bed. Kyung smiled back up at her with that addicting smile of his.

“SunHee….don’t frown...smiles look so much prettier on you,” he said in a low tone, unable to talk much louder now.

“But…” she knew that he already knew his time was coming to an end.

Slowly placing his hand onto her stomach, Kyung grinned brightly. “You be good to mommy, alright? You’ll be the man of the house a lot sooner than you might think. Don’t let her cry for too long and know that daddy loves you. Understand? Daddy loves you both,”

SunHee could tell that even smiling was exhausting for him, but he’d do it anyways. He’d do it to make her feel less sad. To let them know that he truly loved them. To comfort himself up until the end. Kyung looked up at her and reached his hand up to her cheek, her own quickly covering it and leaning in to place her lips upon his for one light, last kiss. He laughed at her as she pulled away.

“Man, I’m going to miss those sweet lips. I love you, SunHee. Forever and ever.”

Kyung’s words grew more silent the further he got until his hand fell limp and his eyes closed. His smile faded seconds later and the heart monitor machine blared a loud beep throughout the hospital halls.

The next few minutes felt like hours while SunHee stood there motionless, unable to comprehend what just happened to her husband, while doctors and nurses came rushing into the room. They seemed, to her, to go by in slow motion. She could see it all so clearly. The doctors yelling around the room. The nurses running to fetch the defibrillator, yelling ‘clear’ every so many seconds while Kyung’s body jumped up with every shock he received from the machine. Her mind had frozen, forever stuck in time as she watched the scenario over and over again until one of the nurses was ordered to ‘take the pregnant wife outside into the waiting room’ where she sat for hours until someone finally picked her up. Never looking up at the person she felt them sit next to her, lightly placing their hand onto her shoulder and the first thing that finally escaped her lips was,

“I love you, too…”

Tears fell down onto the box as she refused to let it go, sobbing until she felt a pair of arms wrap around her. Looking up through her bloodshot eyes, SunHee could see the blurry image of her son holding the teddy bear in one hand and clinging onto her arm with the other.

“Daddy loves you,” Myung mumbled as he clung tighter to her. She smiled and nodded furiously, pulling him into a hug.

“Daddy loves you too sweetie. He loved you even before you were born. Always remember that, okay?” SunHee whispered shakily. The boy pulled away from her and smiled up at her with an addicting smile.

“How about we go back downstairs? You can even keep the teddy bear if you want.”

Picking up the box, she held it in one hand while picking up her son with the other as he dragged the bear behind him. SunHee slowly made her way past the boxes again, reading ‘Gone’ over and over and regretting the fact that she wrote that word on every single one of his boxes. Taking one last look back toward the piles of memories, she smiled sadly.

“Maybe one day….”

Walking carefully back down the set of stairs she came up only minutes earlier, SunHee let her son down and he took off toward his room, bear in tow. She smiled as she watched him and decided to return back to the room she once shared with the man she loved so dearly to check through the box in her hands. Carefully placing it beside her on the bed, she opened the top of it and smiled sadly as she looked through it.

Inside she found a small photo book filled with pictures of them, from good to bad. Days they were happy together and days they were mad at each other. Kyung had always taken pictures of them no matter what or when. She also found a stack of letters tied together with a small red bow. By now Myung had joined her on the bed, grabbing the light brown teddy bear and handing it over her.

“Mommy,” he said.

SunHee grinned and nodded at him as she watched him pick up the photobook. He smiled at every picture, pointing out who mommy and daddy were in each of them. She turned her attention back to the letters, untying the bow and reading the note on each envelope.

“For when you’re missing me. For when you have a fight with our son. For when our son grows up. For when you move on. For when you’re coming to see me. For when I’ll see you again. I hope you’ll still be mine,” she mumbled reading each of them out loud.  

“You idiot….you knew I’d need these didn’t you?” she questioned with a saddened smile, taking the first one out and turning it around. “For when I miss you, huh? I can’t think of any better time than now.”

Carefully opening the letter without destroying the envelope, she took out the note and began reading it.

Annyeong, baby,

Or should I call you ‘mother of my child’ now? I’m sure you’re still as beautiful as ever either way! What I wouldn’t give to see you right now. If you’ve found these letters I’m sure you’ve finally found the strength to go through my stuff. I admire you for being so strong. You’ll be a great mother to our son, I’m sure of it. This is the first letter of a few that I figured you would need at one point in your life. I’m currently lying in my hospital bed, you just left a few moments ago and told me how much you love me. I love you too, always remember that. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you and our son. I can’t wait to meet him. He’ll be as handsome as me one day!

Baby, If you’re reading this you must miss me. I swear to you things will get easier. You might think your heart is legitimately breaking at one point, but I need you to keep your head up high. Show our son that everything will be fine and that his mother is a very strong woman! I love you til death do us part, and then even in the afterlife. I swear I’ll always love you. Everything will be okay. Your days may seem gray at points, raging storms may be going on in your head and you’ll start thinking things you shouldn’t, which is why I’m here to remind you that no matter what happens, one day we’ll see each other again so be patient until then.

I love you. I will always love you so I need you to live the rest of your life to the fullest. Travel. Open that restaurant you’ve always wanted to open. Raise our son to be a good man. Stay strong. I will always watch over you from here until the day we meet again.

                            Love always, your Kyungie

She could feel her hands shaking as she stared down at the letter lying between her and her son. SunHee’s eyes filled with tears blurring her vision as the letters started fading into one big blot. Her breaths started to shorten as she sobbed, realizing just how much she missed Kyung. Hearing those sweet words, ‘I love you’, was all she wanted. For him to hug her, hold her tight and tell her that everything would be fine. She wanted to hear it, his voice, not read it. All she wanted was him. Why did he have to leave her?

“Kyungie….I love you…..Please….” she mumbled, her voice hitched and her eyes burning from the tears.

SunHee watched motionlessly as they dropped down onto the sheet of paper wetting some of the last words her husband ever wrote to her. He knew. He knew she’d be lost without him. He knew that she needed him. He knew which is why he left smiling. It was to assure her that everything would be fine. All the pain he had to go through and he still cared more about her than he ever did about himself. Myung held onto SunHee’s arm, looking out from behind it and watching as she cried bittersweet tears.

“Mommy, I love you,” he smiled brightly at her, the same smile as his father.

She grinned through her tears, dropping the letter onto the bed and turning to hold onto her son, embracing him tightly, crying her eyes out until she couldn’t anymore.

“I love you. too, my sweet, sweet Myung. And so does Daddy. Forever and ever.”