My Answer is You

***

 

"Can I request someone to go here on stage to dedicate the song we will sing?" I asked the audience.

 

That day was the battle of the bands of our school; I searched for someone to offer the song I will sing.

 

Many girls raised their hands just for them to be called, suddenly; a cute girl standing caught my attention. She have a fair complexion, shining eyes, wearing a simple attire, not that tall but just enough for me, she's cute and I admit it.

 

"You." I pointed my finger towards her to inform her she's the one I' am requesting on stage.

 

She looked to her left and right doubting and making herself believe that she wasn't the one I' am referring to.

 

I have felt the connection, my heart beats, starting from being calm to I do not know how to describe because of uneasiness I feel.

 

She pointed herself doubting that she's really the one.

 

"Ahaha, yes miss, you." I once again pointed my finger towards her direction.

 

Her friend pushed her, making her almost tripped.

 

Poor kid, she looked lame but while she was walking towards the stage, her face, little by little was filled with colors and life.

 

I offered my hand to assist her to the chair on the middle of the stage. I held her hand and started to sing the song. Many thoughts were randomly produced while singing the song and honestly I almost lost my sane after seeing her eyes were pasted in me. I felt like she's checking my body inside and out exposing my everything and I just ignored it for me not to be distracted.

 

You are my everything...

 

I hope she's drowning because of the song - please reach her heart, I prayed. That was the first time I've felt almost dying because of the beating of my heart - she made me feel the love once more that I almost forgot how to feel it again.

 

Days have passed I' am not seeing her, I have made my research about her and the information I have collected didn't disappoint me.

 

I got to know her name, her birthday, all the basic information I need to know.

 

Every day that God has made was a diamond for me; she's part of my fans club and I' am thankful for her existence. She always gave me the courage to sing in front of the crowd, she's there every time we have gigs. I can hear lot of great things about her and all of those made me flattered like heaven. I always pray and hope that she's the one for me. I actually do not have the courage to say what I feel for her - I' am useless, worthless all the less on earth I' am actually possessing. Every time I see her, I just smile, I smile to the fullest and I hope she can feel the happiness I feel every time I see her.

 

One day I saw her standing at the corridor, why was she standing? It was like she's searching for someone and that made me curious.

 

"Aigoo, I don't think I can do this?!" I heard her speak.

 

"You can do it! Fighting!"  I encouraged her.

 

She turned around looks like my presence was unexpected. Her eyes widen looked like she have seen a horror creature in front of her and I hate it. I saw a pink envelop on her hands, which made me torn into pieces, she will tell someone her feelings. All the things I have done to know her more will be worthless. To hide my bitter expression, I pasted a fake smile.

 

"Ohhh?! Is that a love letter for your crush?" I asked to hide my feelings of disappointment.

 

Her face turned red because of embarrassment.

 

"Ahhhhm..." She said.

 

She looked straight in my eyes, passing through my soul. Of course, to again conceal everything I feel; I smiled to the best I could.

 

"Who's the guy? Do you want me to help you?" I asked coz' I want to know.

 

Her eyebrows met; maybe she's thinking what you care!?

 

"Ahhhmm..." She's speechless and I do not think she will say it to me.

 

"Don't say ahhhm coz' I'm willing." I again smiled, crashing my heart. I need to raise my pride because I' am hurting that she will tell someone her feelings.

 

"Please accept this!" She handed me the pink letter while hiding her face from me.

 

I smiled and happily accepted her letter. She then, ran leaving me. It hurts while seeing her run away from me. I asked her name concealing the fact that I already knew her by the name.

 

I looked into her letter, it’s fancily made. I hope she can say her feelings for me personally and after that I will tell mine too.

 

I love you too for years; it is just complicated to tell you how I feel.

 

I broke your heart and I am sorry for that. I just wanted to protect you. I do not have girlfriend, everything was a lie, I took a ton of courage just to tell you those foolishness of mine. I do not have a chance to love you back because of this ing illness. I' am suffering from stage four brain cancer, it was late when I was diagnosed and no medication can cure me from it. I left the band, for the sake of all. I requested Chanyeol to have you or give it a try as the new vocalist of the band for one last time. Chanyeol knows everything and he will tell you at the right time after I die. I will not have any chance to be happy with you. I' am so coward and do not know what to do. I' am really sorry. You made me happy for the last time. Those stolen shots of you were the memories of concealing the fact that I love you.

 

I honestly read the letter and I do not want to give it back to you but it was part of my drama. I cannot personally say those goodbyes because once more I' am a hell coward.

 

Dear Baekhyun,

 

Hi! I' am a super fan of yours for you to know. I don't know how to start but please read this until the last. First of all, good day! I just want you to know how much I wanted to be part your journey. It was 3 years ago when I got to know you. I hope you still remember the Battle of the Bands and you sang a song, My Answer, for me. Seriously, my life before you came was none sense, I' am only reading morbid stories and over saturating my life to darkness because my life was a mess. Fortunately, my best friend forced me to go to that event and it was you, the first vocalist I watched and invited me on stage. I thought I was not that girl you were referring to, I doubted but you insisted that I was that girl you wanted on stage. I was stunned, forgetting all the sanity I have, my body wasn't coordinating that time and my friend pushed me to walk towards the stage. My heart raced to death because maybe I was nervous? You sang the song and my eyes were nailed unto you when you started to utter the first word of the lyrics, I was possessed by your angelic voice and that gave me a last song syndrome. You held my hand, your cotton-like hand, I know it was part of the show but it was something special for me. That was the first time I've felt that feeling, you were the first person to make my heart raced like hell. I like and love you for years Baekhyun! I just wanted to be noticed by you. I'm too pathetic, almost dying from over thinking that nothing is impossible to love. I prayed to God every night to have miracles of loving me back. I do not aim for the reciprocal of my feelings, being noticed is enough. This is toxic to me, everything is toxic but love made me not regret those decisions I have made for you. This is my choice and the consequence is to be hurt unknowingly. You are my breath, my everything; you have filled my dull and stagnant life with colors. Thanks for reading until the end. I love you and I mean it. You are part of me and my story. One more thing oppa, what is the answer to a needy heart?

 

Loving you,

xxxxxx  

 

My answer is you that all I want and all I need. I' am really sorry for being coward until the end. You are the only memory I want to last until I reach heaven I will not forget everything about you, your existence for me is the most precious of all things in this world, even my life is worthless without you, thanks for making my life with you a memorable one yet we are far from each other. Once again, I love you and goodbye.