When and how Jonghyun got his eyes shut, he doesn't know. All he knows is that not now, not now, bad timing Jinki as he hears the door to their dorm open inch by inch, heart sinking lower with each creak the clumsy door made.

"Uhh.. hi?" a bewildered Jinki eyes his group members suspicously. The silence that greeted him was unsettling. He was so used to opening the door to complete chaos: Kibum complaining about his lost shirt, or Jonghyun practicing his four octaves, or even perhaps Minho squealing -yes squealing- in glee whenever he beat Taemin in a round of FIFA Soccer 11. The only time they were quiet, his mind noted, was if he came back in the middle of the night, when they were asleep, and now was most definitely not in the dead of the  night. The fact that the four boys are seated neatly on the couch like that all the more triggered something in the back of Jinki's mind that something was off.

He frowned. "Why are you guys---"

"Hyung." Minho cleared his throat awkwardly. "How was recording today?" It's amazing, Minho notes, how a simple question that he probably used on a regular basis now seemed so alien on his tongue. Except of course, the situation now was anything but regular.

"Good?" Jinki offers, shrugging his jacket off. He wondered if this was how lab rats felt, every move and action being scrutinized. Those poor rats.

Still, he needed explanation. Did an accident occur? and then ohmygod, Taemin isn't hurt, is he? his mind thought wildly, eyes searching for the youngest and he exhaled in relief when he saw the maknae sitting at the furthest end of the couch, eyes downcast.

He took a step forward. "Guys--" he tried again--

"Did you eat yet?"

-- and sighed as he was interrupted again.

No, his mind registered. I need to put a stop to this. you're responsible if anything did happen to them. You're the leader dammit.

His heart lurched at the last thought.

With a newfound determination, he looked past Key...

and froze.

Key, who was talking to him froze as well, just seeing the look on Jinki's face. He followed his line of vision until....

.

Three things happened at once then, Taemin lunged at the table with a terrified gasp, Jonghyun's right hand shot out at the same time and Minho spun around at almost at an inhuman speed, shouting something.

Unfortuantely, in the flurry of movements, Jonghyun's hand smacked Taemin in the face and the youngest cried out, falling back into the couch with left palm wide open, releasing his grip.

The slip of paper fell almost gracefully to the ground, before settling onto the cold tiles beneath it.

But the damage had been done. Jinki saw.

"That-- is uhm-- I-- uhm." Came the first of Jinki's stutters, before finishing it off with a quiet "mine."

All of them knew that it was time to drop the pretense. And so, Key led Jinki gently until the five of them were reunited on the living room couch. 

"Why didnt you tell us?" Jonghyun began, tone soft but sense of urgency evident.

Jinki suddenly find his fingers as the most fascinating thing in the world. Maybe if he just kept quiet, they would drop the whole question. They would have dinner and it would be as if this whole scene never occured. Maybe--

"It isn't all about the variety shows, the late-night recordings, is it?" Key obeserves quietly. "It isn't completely about exhaustion."

Jinki hates it when Kibum does that.

"I---", he finally began, then closes his mouth. What else was he supposed to say? That he couldn't take care of the group as well as he would like to? That he feared of dissapointing them? That he was not a leader, never a leader, not even for school projects in high school? That he was just scared, plain scared if their dreams all come crashing down one day, it would be all be his fault? No, he couldn't say that. Never could say that out loud.

Unfortunately, that was exactly what he did, before he reveled in the sudden realization, right hand slapping across his mouth with a gasp.

Taemin blinked.

No! His mind screamed. That all came out wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. But his mouth stopped obeying him and he just sat there with the same expression as everyone else: lips apart and eyes widened to an impossible size. His fingers somehow found themselves curled in a fist, his nails digging into the flesh of his palm. Hard.

A silence fell over the living room then, before it was broken by a few strangled sobs. One knew it had to come sooner or later.

Jinki's breakdown.

Before everyone knew it, Jinki was sobbing, shoulders shaking violently, mumbling something incoherent into his hands. The other members kept silent, watching as they let Jinki let out everything he had held back all these months. He heard a few rustlings. A hand on his back then. A voice saying somehing. No wait, this is wrong. his mind registered. They're supposed to hate him, he had been a terrible leader. And he finally, finally let them down.

"--hyung." That soft voice again. Minho? Key?

You're stronger than this. You've let them down, but you're not going to dissapoint them further.

Jinki looked up, eyes still blurry. And he was met with four pairs of eyes that each held an unreadable expression.

"Onew-hyung!" before he could register anything, he felt a surprising weight on him. "Taemin-yah!" Jonghyun peeled taemin off of Jinki and Jinki saw that the yougest was crying now. 

"...I'm sorry." Jinki mutered finally.

Kibum's face broke out into a smile. "For what?" Jinki looked at him in bewilderment. No, no, no, you don't understand.

"For being a leader that always puts s first?" Minho's eyes were soft, but his face had amusement written all over it.

"For being a hyung that sacrifices his safety and health at the expense of his dongsaengs?" Jonghyun eyebrows were raised, lips quirked up.

"If you consider hurting yourself in the process than yes, you have every right to be sorry." Kibum sat behind him, smile holding more meaning this time.

"Hyung, we don't need you to take care of ourselves." Jonghyun piped up, sliding an arm around his shoulders. "We can do that ourselves, thank you very much." His tone tried to be haughty but Jinki sensed the fondness in his voice. "And besides, it's always us looking out for you anyway." He grinned. 

"What we need," Kibum continued. "Is someone who will stick by us, through and through. A friend who will share our laughter and tears. A brother who we can lean on when times get rough." The sincerity in his voice struck Jinki. "And as for our dream," he half-laughed, half-scoffed.

"Well," his smile got wider, if that was possible. "We're all going to do this together aren't we?"

"No, no, no." Jinki tried to struggle. "You don't understand--"

"Hyung." Minho's voice. "I think we do."

---

It was later that night that Jinki awoke, ears filled with the soft breathing of s in the room. It was almost routine now, as if his body was on automatic, hands finding the leather-bound book under his pilllow, other arm reaching out for the pen. He didn't need the torch now however, as he penned down his feelings on the smooth, crisp paper.

"Hi, my name is Lee Jinki, better known as Onew and I think being the leader of SHINee was the best thing that could've happen to me."

A/N:   

It's done!! :D -happy dance- I apologize if this chapter was kinda long, but I decided to cram the ending here since I'm really running out of time. ^^ So.. what do you think? yay happy endings. -claps- Thank you so much for all those commented, subscribed, and gave me support to finally wrap up this story. ^^ <3 I'll edit it and submit this entry today. It's for the FYSFF contest. :D http://yeahshineefanfics.tumblr.com/post/12856374614/in-honor-of-fy-sffs-first-birthday-were-kicking

Maybe I'll write one-shots in the future. :D and not just about SHINee, other fandoms too. ^^ looove you guys!