WARNING: Very long chapter ahead, about 26 pages.  Please read when you have adequate amount of time to read the entire thing fully, or at least with the breaks.

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From the day I got that letter, I knew I was in for a real adventure.

 

Jin hyung,

Here’s the photos of the girl.  We overheard that she’ll be out at a club with a friend tonight.  I left the address at the bottom.  Keep us posted.

Remember the mission.

Start tonight.

Yoongi

 

Yoongi’s handwriting had been messily scrawled in black ink on looseleaf paper.  When I got home, I found a manilla envelope in the mail, with this note inside it.  I had been waiting for this to reach me.  The boys spent months of endless searching to find this mystery girl.  All we had was her name, and that did next to nothing for us.  She was a clean slate; she had no criminal record at all unlike the rest of the kids from her gang.  All the more reason she was harder to find.  I had been getting impatient and was prepared to leave the country in search of her.  I was about to start packing when I received this godsend of an envelope.  I dumped out all the photos inside, studying her face so I could be prepared for later when I had to find her.  I called Yoongi as I flipped through the photos.

“We’ve got a plan, but we’re only starting it.  You have to end it,” he said.

I smirked.  “You don’t have to tell me twice.”  I flipped through the photos idly while listening to the plan.  We had gotten an old college friend of ours, JiHyo, to play the part of the kidnapper.  I would swoop in, save her while she’s still under, and bring her back here.  After that, she was mine.

Mine to exterminate, that is.

After I was done getting ready for my big act tonight, I stuffed all of the photos, except for the most recent one from yesterday, back into the envelope, and kept the sheet of looseleaf with the address on it out for reference.  I had a few minutes to spare before I had to leave.  I could feel myself tingling with excitement and anticipation.  I had to get these feelings out before I left so I could act better.  I took out my journal and opened to a new page.

 

Yoongi sent me her photos today.  I’m ready to do this.  She’s the last one, the last one of them.  And she’s completely oblivious.  This is too easy!

Soon we’ll be completely rid of all of them, and I’ll finally have fulfilled my revenge completely.

 

I closed the journal and left the house.  Once I was near the club, I pulled out my phone and called Yoongi.  “Is everything in place?”

“Yeah, JiHyo’s already in there doing his thing,” he answered me.

I stepped out of the car.  “Time to do this,” I muttered.

“You’ve got this hyung.  We’ve been at this for years and this girl is where everything ends.  We won’t have to worry about anyone on our backs being ready to kill us ever again.”

And I’d have my revenge once and for all, I thought darkly to myself.

I entered the club and started looking around for my target in the massive crowd of people with my expertly trained eyes.  My eyes found her shortly, dancing with JiHyo.

That was the first time I felt something.

I didn’t know what the something was.  I knew it was a bitter distaste of some kind, because when it came to me that she was dancing on him I felt it.  My heart throbbed at the first sight of her and I was taken back.

“Do you have her in sight?” I heard the electronic voice of Yoongi in my ear under the blaring music.

“Target is in sight,” I responded, a little mechanically because I had a hard time paying attention.  I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the two of them, and I had no idea why.  My eyebrows scrunched a little in that small angry feeling I couldn’t pinpoint.

Then she laid her eyes on me.  The embarrassed smile on her face slowly disappeared as we locked gazes.  I couldn’t tell if the little jolt in my heartbeat was from the bass in the music blaring in my ears or if it was something else.  She looked a little uncomfortable and out of her element here.  With a clean slate, I could imagine that she was a goody-goody that didn’t belong here in the partying scene.

“Man it’s loud in there, I’m getting a headache.”  I almost missed Yoongi’s voice on the phone over the music.  “Call back later and report.  I’m out.”

For once, I didn’t complain about his terrible habit of not saying “bye” when he hangs up the phone.  I had a feeling I would have stuttered if I opened my mouth.  My eyes never left her’s the entire time.

JiHyo’s head dipped down to her ear and she broke our contact, her eyes downcasting.  I blinked and ran out of there.  It was time for him to set things up.  When I felt the fresh air in my lungs, I stopped to think for a moment.  What was that?  I knew I needed to get myself together before they came out.  But I couldn’t shake that bitter feeling off.  It made me feel weird and uncomfortable.  The guys have done things similar to this, bringing a friend of ours to get comfy with the target and to lure out members of the 2nd gen SJ gang, but that was the first time I ever felt that bitterness.  I hated how it made me feel, like something was eating me alive.   Focus, I told myself, trying to snap out of it.

I heard the music get louder behind me for a moment and ducked behind the wall.  Someone had come out.  I peeked from behind the corner and saw her.  She was clutching her head and supporting herself with one hand on the building.  I could hear her exasperated pants.  I smiled wickedly.  The plan was working nicely.  Watching her struggle was amazing, but she couldn’t die, not yet.

JiHyo came out next.  “It'll go away soon, you're just gonna fall asleep for a little while,” he assured her in a falsely sweet voice.

That was my cue.  I came up next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist gently to seem friendly.  She could barely lift her head to look at my face.  “I'm taking her home tonight, you can just lay off and find a to do your bidding, you horn dog.”  I made sure it came out as venomous as possible.  We needed this act to work.  But for some reason, it felt genuine spitting these words out to him.

JiHyo scoffed and pushed past me, making sure to shove my arm for extra emphasis, just for the act.  She stumbled off her feet for a moment. but I caught her.  I picked her up bridal style and carried her towards my car.  I got my keys and set her down in the passenger side before circling back around to the driver’s side.  I drove us back to my house, sparing her an occasional glance so I knew she was still unconscious.

When I got to a red light, I pulled to a stop.  I stole another glance at her.  “It’ll be over for you soon,” I said to her sleeping figure.  But this time, I didn’t stop looking after a second.  My eyes lingered a bit longer.  Her head was angled a little towards me, her eyes were fluttered closed.  I got the sudden urge to reach over and pull a lock of stray hair out of her face, but the light turned green and I had to drive.

At home, I lugged her out of the car and into the guest bedroom across from the bathroom.  I set her body down onto the bed.  I sat next to her for a second to catch my breath.  My eyes scanned her face again.  As opposed to all the pictures Yoongi sent me where she was bare-faced, she was wearing a light dose of makeup.  But in my opinion, she looked better without it.  I looked down to her attire.  Her dress hugged her amazing figure that made that boyish part of me drool.  She had a skinny waist that opened into wide hips, then down to her perfect legs.

She was beautiful.

I shook the thought away quickly.  I had to stay focused on the mission.  As the oldest, the boys were counting on me as the example.  I got up to get a large shirt from my room and came back.  Then I was faced with a problem that made my face redden.  I had to undress her and clothe her into the shirt.  I had to expose her and touch her.

Something about that made me feel uncomfortable.  This girl was so pure that I felt ashamed that I had to touch her while she was unaware of it.  I felt dirty.  I may be a murderous gangster, but I still have some morals!  I know better than to take advantage of a woman while she’s unconscious!  Nonetheless, I continued at my task.  After a full 15 minutes of struggling with the zipper of her dress, tugging at her dress gently but hard enough without waking her, blushing, and blood flowing down to there, she was finally out of her dress and in my shirt.  I kept her undergarments on to keep her unexposed to me.  I don’t know why I went through the trouble, but I did.  I was completely red with embarrassment.  And then I was faced with the decision of whether or not to give her pants to wear.  I heard that girls slept without any on.  That made me even more red.

I decided to just wait until she gets up in the morning to give her the pants.  I tucked her legs under the blanket and fixed her head properly onto the pillow so her neck wasn’t tilted awkwardly.  There was a strange softness blooming in me as I did it.  It made me sick, but it still felt pleasant on the inside.  I left her alone and retired to my room.  After I called the boys and gave them an update, I changed and went to bed.

 

The next day, I got up a little early to check if she was awake.  When I opened the door to the room, she was sitting up and staring wide eyed at the door.  I probably startled her.  Her face was innocent despite the daring makeup that was starting to rub off.  Her face flushed pink for a moment.  She was like a bashful, confused, and scared child.

She should be, I reminded myself.  You’re going to kill her after all.  I pushed the thought away.  Maybe it wouldn’t be bad to keep her for a little while longer than I was originally planning.  I wanted to break her innocence, maybe in more ways than one.  “You’re up?” I asked, keeping my face and tone neutral.

“Yeah, I just got up…”  Her embarrassed figure held the blanket up to shield her body as her voice came out soft.  She probably figured out that I changed her.  And she thinks I did something.

"I didn't do anything to you, if that's what you're thinking," I assured her awkwardly.

“Okay…”  She believed me and dropped the blanket back down to her lap.  Yes, I’ve already gotten her trust.  "Um...thank you for last night."

Stupid, naive girl.  "It's the right thing to do, don't dwell on it too much," I said sharply.  Now for the show.  "But now you owe me a favor."

I could see the unease in her childish eyes as I said it.  “What kind of favor?”

I crossed my arms and sat in front of her on the bed.  She made no move to shift away from me, almost making me snort at how gullible she was to trust someone.  But that would help me very nicely.  "Stay here for a little while.  It wasn't coincidence that you met that guy.  He was part of a rival gang of your father's."

That’s when her face changed.  Her childish fear and cowardice morphed into a serious defensive rigidness.  Interesting.  “How do you know my father?”

As I explained the story, leaving out a few details, she grew horrified with a touch of guilt for her father’s death.  I concluded the story.   "And now they want to wipe out their kids to prevent any future revenge."  I leaned forward towards her.  "And that very much includes you, so you're not going anywhere."  And this is the delivery.

I saw her freeze at our closeness.  My chest was starting to swell a little as well, but I stayed composed.  "Um...Okay?  If that's what's happening, then I guess I should stay..." she responded quietly, her childish face coming back.

Too easy.

“Good,” I nodded and pulled back.  But then I remembered my hospitality.  If she was going to stay for a while, she needed stuff.  I felt awkward as I said, "Do you want to go home for a while just to get some of your stuff?"

Her face lit up in realization.   "O-Oh, right.  Yeah, that would be a good idea," she stuttered with a slight blush.  "I don't want to have to use your clothes all the time."  She pulled at the collar of her shirt.  My shirt.  I could see the collarbone underneath that I remembered was on display last night in that dress.  Yes, I thought.  I want your innocence.

The thought was cut short when she lifted up the blanket.  As a reflex I coughed and jumped to turn away from her.  Maybe not now.  "Uh... I-I think I should go for a moment.  I'll leave one of my old pairs of sweatpants by the door for you to grab," I told her awkwardly, scratching the back of my neck as I left the room.  It was a nervous habit of mine.  I dropped a pair of sweatpants in front of the door and I realized I forgot to tell her about breakfast.  Without thinking beforehand, I swung the door open.  "Oh, one more thing-"

And there she was, standing away from the bed.  My shirt was almost like a too-short dress on her petite figure, showing a lot of her legs.  To save my morality, I covered my eyes quickly.

“Yeah?” I heard her squeak.  She was just as embarrassed that I saw her as I was.  Oh God...give me strength.

"Breakfast will be on the table in a few minutes, so don't take too long.”  I gave her my message and felt my way out of the room.  I couldn’t shake that image of her from my mind.  Living with a girl was going to be hard work.  I need to get rid of her soon so I won’t have to deal with this awkwardness.

She’s the enemy, you can’t think of her like that when you’re just going to kill her in the end, and you can’t go out of your way to be nice to her, I told myself to help me hold on to my sanity.

But last night, I had already taken her phone and charged it last night, and gathered her clothes for her to take later.

 

I had to use that mental note a lot during the following two weeks while she was here.  Even though I set those rules that we wouldn’t interfere in each other’s lives - she was living by them excellently actually, I never had to worry about her - I would still catch her figure taunting me at times.  I wouldn’t try to stay for too long, because I would always find her when she wasn’t paying attention, but I was driven crazy by the very idea that there was a girl living in my house.  Not to mention that she trusted me enough not to run away.  She was vulnerable to me.

But for some reason, I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t take advantage of her and her vulnerability.  Part of it was because of the hate I harbored that didn’t even want me to see her, another part was my morals to not scare her like that by possibly her.  But a deeper part of me was disgusted at the idea of wanting to break her.  I held a tenderness for her somewhere inside me.  It didn’t want me to lay a finger on her.  But that was a weakness.  I knew my mission, and I knew what I had to do to get revenge.

That afternoon, I called NamJoon’s sister over to relieve my boyish instincts.

I’m not gonna lie; I’m a man and I have needs because I’m a walking, talking, bag of hormones.  NamJoon’s sister came over 20 minutes after I called her.  We ended up talking for a little, but of course one thing led to another and we ended up face on the couch.  She was always the somewhat dominant, take-charge type, like her brother.  And hey, that’s sort of a turn on.

But when Ara came through that door, I felt my heart break.  She looked more embarrassed for intruding than anything else, but I still felt a bitterness in the pit of my stomach.  I pushed it away because I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about it.  If she felt bad, all the better so she wouldn’t grow attached to me and it’ll save me my eye-rolling on my part when she starts crying when I kill her.  But the feeling didn’t leave, unlike her quiet steps down the hall back to her room.  It stayed knotted and settled in my stomach.  And I hated how uncomfortable it made me feel around her.

I tried to clear some of the awkwardness up during dinner by making excuses, although they were still honest.  Except for the part where I said NamJoon’s sister came by herself.  I didn’t know why I lied about that part.  It had something to do with that sinking feeling.

The knotted feeling wouldn’t leave even late into the night while I was busying myself with the plans that the rest of the boys were carrying out that night.  I couldn’t concentrate.  I hated it.  I was never distracted by anything when it came to my work!  But the heaviness - something I realized was guilt - was still present.  It made me so irritated.  I even snapped at Ara when she came to check on me, even though I knew she only had good intentions.

As I always did when I was wrought with emotion, I reached for the journal in the corner and opened up to a new page.

What are you doing to me? I wrote in angry scrawl, and ended up scribbling circles of black ink underneath it.  When I had drew enough the entire half of the page with black, I tore the page cleanly from the binding, took out a lighter from a drawer, and set it on fire.  She can’t see that.  Even though it was very unlikely that she won’t see it, I still had to cover my tracks.  It was one of the most important rules of being a gangster.

Still, I wanted to make it up to her and apologize the next morning, but I thought against it.  I needed to be detached, aloof.  I let her be mad that morning.  I let her snap at me.  But she was too soft for that, the guilt of speaking harshly to me was written on her face.  I concentrate on my meal so I wouldn’t feel affected by it.  But then she spoke tenderly to me.

"Try to go back to sleep when I leave, okay?" she said quietly.  Even with her head tilted downward, I knew she was being sincere.

I told myself that I was being an to her for no reason.  Just because I had to be distanced from her doesn’t mean I had to be rude.  I was going to say something like an apology before she briskly left.  And there went my chance of being good to her.  It’s trying to tell you something, you shouldn’t try being nice to her, I thought to myself.  I held onto that for the remainder of the day.

Later that day, the guys came over just to check how things were holding up.  They all sat around my living room and sprawled themselves out on my couches.

“So, hyung, how’s it going with the girl?” Jimin asked, putting his legs up on Jungkook’s lap.  The younger one held his deadpan face and casually pushed them off.

“Yeah, you haven’t told us your plan yet!” Taehyung piped in.

“I’m planning on pretending to have a huge explosion when she does something wrong,” I explained, shrugging like it was an easy plan.  “I already set up some ground rules.  The one I think she’s most likely going to break is the one about not going back home unless I her.”

“But she’s a goody-goody, she won’t break a rule,” Hoseok chimed in.

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean life doesn’t get in the way sometimes,” I smirked at him.  The evil plan forming into my head overcame any sort of softness I had built up.  I was among the people that I belong with, a violent, murderous gang.  And I was going to kill this girl as soon as I get the chance.  “I’ve figured out what time she gets home on average.  If there’s ever a slip up in traffic and she’s late for even 10 minutes, I’ll go berserk on her, pull out whatever weapon’s near me, and done.  Simple as that.”

“Sounds solid enough,” NamJoon finally spoke up.  Our leader was sort of above all of us in terms of mental maturity.  He and Yoongi don’t really speak much at our little gatherings, only when they needed to.  I didn’t want the leadership position even though I was the oldest, so I gave it to NamJoon.  A smirk spread across his face.  “Just do it as soon as you have the chance.”

I nodded.  They all knew just as well as I did what it would mean when Ara was done for, and they were all anticipating it.  It would explain why they’re all so restless to get it over and done with, and why they’re pushing me so much.

I heard the door open.  Ara was home.  I looked at the clock and smirked.  She was late by almost 15 minutes.  Showtime.  She walked through the living room to the kitchen without even noticing our presence.

NamJoon and Yoongi looked at me expectantly.  “Now’s your chance,” the latter said.

“We’ll stare at her at make her feel more uncomfortable while you do your thing, hyung,” Hoseok suggested.

We all nodded at the plan.  She came back out of the kitchen a few minutes later, drinking a glass of water.  Mid-gulp she froze and registered the number of people in the room.  The fear in her eyes was satisfying as she scanned over everyone.

I gathered my anger and screamed as harshly as I could.  “Yah!”  Her head snapped back to me in shock and fear.  I got up and crossed the room towards her.  “You’re almost 15 minutes later than when you usually come home.  Where did you go?”

Ara tried to look strong, but she was terrible at hiding her fear.  “I don’t have to tell you, I’m a grown woman and you’re not my dad.”

I pulled out the good guy card.  “Come on, I told you that I almost had with this guy’s older sister, there’s no secrets in this house.”  I pointed at NamJoon.

“You WHAT?!” I heard him yell behind me.  I fought the urge to roll my eyes.  Sorry, not sorry.  “Where did you go?” I repeated.  Start getting more on her case.  “The more you put off telling me, the more suspicious I get.”

“I...I went to meet a friend after work.”  Liar.  I didn’t need to pretend to know that she went off somewhere after work.

I smirked.  “Listen, if you went to see a guy for a few minutes, you can just tell me, you don’t need to hide-”  And I saw it.  Her phone suddenly had a case on it.  She did go back.  And I thought I was just acting about this.

She looked down my line of vision, and her eyes widened when she realized what I saw.  I could see her face go pale.  ”I’m just gonna go-”

Time to let it all loose.  “You went back to your house, didn’t you?”  I purposely spoke in a dangerous tone to scare her more.

And it worked, she was trying to stutter out, “My...boyfriend…”

I looked up to meet her eyes.  Her reaction coaxed me enough to know that I was putting on a very believable act of being deathly furious.  “Your boyfriend gave it to you?  But wait, but you don’t have a boyfriend,” I smirked.  It was true, I did enough digging around to know that much.

She was silent, her fear wouldn’t allow her to speak.  That just fanned the angry flames.

“No denial?  Then you did go back!  I knew it!”  I raised my voice little by little.  Feign overprotectiveness,  “Didn’t I tell you not to go back there?!  What would’ve happened when I wasn’t there, huh?!  What if those guys kidnapped you!?  Then what?  You were gonna die, that’s what!”  The anger that I was faking suddenly became strengthened as it took over me and became real, raw rage.

My hands grabbed her by the shoulders.  My hands were itching to move closer together and strangle her.  A feeble plead left her lips, “J-Jin please-”

I still had an act to put on through the anger.  “What the hell were you thinking?!  That you’ll just be there for 2 seconds and that it would be okay?!  I told you to call me if you needed anything before the end of the month!”  My hands slowly constricting harder on her shoulders.  Her wide eyes were radiating fear.  I could feel her hammering pulse under my fingertips.  She was way past frightened.  I was reaching the peak of my anger.  “You could’ve DIED!”

There was a CRASH and she screwed her eyes shut.  And I couldn’t do it.

I was snapped out of the furious trance I was under.  I can do it, I thought to myself.  My face muscles loosened as I stared at the scared girl in front of me.  I was glad that the entire gang was behind me so they couldn’t see my expression.  I felt weak but…

My head lolled forward in defeat.

I just can’t do it.

I evened out my breathing before I brought my head back up to look at her.  She was confused, but still waiting for the worst.  Something about her brown eyes made me lose focus on the mission.  Something pulled me in and had the ability to contort me to her every whim.

I need time to think about this.

I sighed and let go of her.  “You know what, just...go do what you have to.  At least you’re still here and you didn’t get caught, that’s the main thing.  I’ll take care of the mess.  Just go.”  I didn’t want to deal with my thoughts while she was still here to cloud them.  I bent down and started picking up the glass shards that fell and crashed all along the floor.  I sensed her hesitance.  I would be skeptic as well if I just went through what she just did.  But it wasn’t before long that she finally let go and retreated.

But I knew what was coming for me.  I just continued cleaning to seem indifferent.  For a while the guys didn’t say anything and just let me be.  They were probably shocked, not to mention pissed, about what I just did.  I let her go without hurting her.  They were too painfully quiet; they even let me take the broom and sweep up the small pieces and throw them away before Yoongi spoke up.

“What the was that?” he asked incredulously.  “What happened to this big plan?  What happened to it being ‘simple’?!”

I stood up and looked at each of them.  They were all wearing varying degrees of shock, anger, and confusion on their faces.  I didn’t even know what happened, how was I supposed to explain it?  I had to bull my way out of this.  “I didn’t want to kill her around you guys,” I said cooly.

“Why?!” they all chorused the same question.

I thought for a moment, thinking of a safe answer.  “Because if I ever get caught, I don’t want you guys to have any knowledge on when or how I killed her,” I said mysteriously before walking away.  “You guys can let yourselves out.”

I went to go apologize to her for yelling and losing my temper.  When I turned the corner, I heard the bathroom door close, making me fall back behind the corner.  But, unintentionally, I got a slight glimpse of Ara...in just a towel enough to cover her torso and abdomen.  I peeked out from behind the wall and saw her untying her hair from a towel while walking opposite the bathroom to her room.  I made a beeline for my room and shut the door behind me.

I closed my eyes.  The image of her in just the towel...her legs showing...her skinny figure...  I was breathing hard and I was feeling all my blood go south.  My mind was wandering to curious places, wondering what her figure was like under the towel.

Pull yourself together Seokjin!  I physically slapped myself, the pain stinging my cheek.  I flopped over onto my bed and sighed again.  I had no idea what came over me that I let her go.  That same gut-wrenching guilt from last night came back to me.  I made her terrified of me just now.  She might really think badly of me now.  But why do I care what she thinks of me?  I had been thinking this morning that it would be better that way if she hated me, but something changed.

After contemplating for hours and trying to distract myself with work, I gave up.  I came into her room later that night, wondering if she was still up.  I opened the door slowly, only to see her figure tucked into bed.  I quietly closed the door behind me and walked up to the bed, slowly sitting next to her on the edge.  Her face was soft and peaceful, like a child.  She was so innocent, the moonlight bathing down on her as if it came from Heaven to protect an angel.

I felt a pang in my heart.  It didn’t hurt like pain, it was more like a zing, like a shock of lightning but warmer.  Before I knew what came over me, I held my hand out to brush messy hair from her sleeping face.  At that, her eyes fluttered open only slightly.  They were still droopy and unfocused.  She also looked confused like this was a dream.  Maybe tomorrow she’ll think it was.

For the first time, I smiled in front of her.   It was a rather gentle one, because I found a tenderness in her droopy features.  She looked like she was about to drop back off to sleep and she wasn’t even able to comprehend what was going on around her.  Such naivety.  I admired it.  Soon enough, she drifted back off to sleep to the rhythm of my soft touches on her face.

When I felt her breathing deepen and even out, I slowly stopped and brought my hand away.  I took another glance at her face before smiling and shaking my head at her.  What a child, I thought as I quietly went back to my room and got myself back into bed.

I decided that I wanted her to find me pleasant to be around.  I wanted her to enjoy my company.  With a final nod, I drifted off into my own peaceful sleep.

 

The next morning, I arose with a smile.  I wanted to treat her to a nice breakfast and talk to her for a moment before she left for work.  It was my self-appointed duty to make her feel better after that episode last night.  I pushed away the killer instinct inside of me that was yelling that this was not what I was supposed not be doing, that fraternizing with the target was not appropriate.

I walked to the kitchen just as she was about to speed out.  Ara almost crashed into me, I was able to smell her scent of lavender.  My heart jolted for a moment, but I stayed collected.  She backed away from me, and that little excited heartbeat sank.  She was still terrified of me.

“You’re not gonna skip out on breakfast, are you?” I asked softly.  She just looked down, almost guiltily.  “Come, sit down and eat, or else you’ll get hungry later,” I chided and moved past her to fix our meal and set the table.  I could feel her curious and skeptical stare on my back, contemplating my actions.  When I was finished whipping up something for us, I turned to look at her.  Her face was blank, her eyes unfocused.  “Hey.”  I snapped my fingers in front of her and she snapped her head up at me with wide eyes.  I chuckled, melting under the surface at her expression.  “Are you gonna stand there all day now?”

“I’m coming,” she responded quietly, pink tinting her cheeks in embarrassment and following me to the peninsula.

We sat down in our normal spots.  I watched as she ate, absorbing as much of her doing such a natural action, even though she was guarded.  I felt the familiar warmth that sometimes visited me the past 2 weeks shudder through me.

“You’re not eating?” she asked.

I shook my head and she continued eating.  I should speak up now, I thought.  But where should I start?  “Um…”  I got her attention, and looked down so I could think of what to say.  “Look, I’m...sorry about yesterday.  I know I scared you a lot.  You probably don’t understand me, and you don’t want to stay here either.  But...thank you for staying.”  In a way, it was genuine.  I did sort of like her company, even just knowing that her presence was in the house was soothing for me.

She seemed taken back by my apology.  “It’s ok.  And it’s no problem.  I’ll stay for as long as I need to so I can be safe,” Ara replied, still a little rigid.

I watched her again.  How could I get her to trust me again?  “It’s Friday, right?  I know you have to work again tomorrow, but let’s go out to eat tonight.  And go explore the city here a little.”  What did I just say?  She looked just as surprised as I was.  “Yeah, it’s weird I guess,” I scratched the back of my head.  “But I want to make it up to you after what I did yesterday.”  So that’s where I’m going with this.

For a moment I thought she would turn me down, and the thought of that made me go cold.  But then she said, “Sure, after I come back from work.”

A huge smile spread across my face.  Why I was so excited at her acceptance was a mystery to me at that time, but I didn’t question it.

For the rest of the day after she left, I felt lighter, happier.  I didn’t want to say that it was because of our plans, but I would be lying if I denied it.  Around the time that she would come back from work, I hurriedly finished to shower before she would need to.  After facing the frustration of picking an appropriate outfit - although I didn’t know why I was putting so much effort and care into that - I went to meet her in the living room where she was waiting for me.

Wow, she was beautiful.

I had said it before on the night I took her, but that was in a more sensual way.  But at that time in front of me, she looked truly beautiful in such a simple outfit.  I felt myself getting warm again.

“You look great,” I blurted out, thankfully at the same time that she did.  We laughed and I noted the blush reaching up her cheeks.

“Thanks,” she said,

I smiled at her flustered gesture.  I could honestly stare at her all day, but we had to move.  “Shall we go?”

We left and boarded the subway.  I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her as we spoke, not that I wanted to anyway.  Her tired expression reminded me of last night and her droopy-eyed vulnerability.  I smiled to myself at the memory.  And when she tripped and fell into me on the train, I felt my heart get infinitely faster in just a second.  What was I feeling?  I didn’t know, but I liked how it made me feel inside.  While I was leading us to my favorite meat restaurant, I felt her stare at my profile.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her turn back forward and smile to herself.  I did the same, warmth filling me.

When we got to the restaurant, I felt conflicted.  I was staring at the menu, deciding what to eat.  Whenever I went out with a girl, I would usually order only a little bit of food.  I had to make it seem like I was constantly dieting to keep my model-skinny figure.  But the truth was that I ate like a cow.  And that would also scare the girls away.  Should I eat normally with Ara?  I looked up at her concentrated face that was focused on the menu.  I had grown accustomed to her for the past few weeks, but today it was a different kind of familiarity.  Come to think of it, it didn’t even feel like I was pushing away the thought that she was a target anymore.  It just felt natural now, like I could just be myself around her.

I’ll show her my real self tonight, everything.

I ordered a huge load of food that we could share, amused by her shell shocked face when she realized how much I was capable of eating.  But the best part was that she was only astonished and not repulsed.  I could feel her eyes on me while I ate.  I thought I saw her soften up at me.  Which meant she was comfortable with me now.  A weight was lifted off of me.

Things were going great between us, making light conversation.  Until I let something about my past slip and she asked, “What were your parents like?”

I had to answer as part of my obligation to open up to her that night.  I thought of my life with my parents.  I sad smile showed on my face.  “Well, Mom really loved me, and treated me well.  Always fed me, took care of me.”

“What about your dad?”

My mood darkened as I remembered what happened to my dad.  “Dad died when I was 7.  In a...house fire.”  The hate I felt for SJ rekindled in the pit of my stomach.  A fire they started.

“Oh....”  She was taken back.  “I’m...sorry I asked.”

“Mom died a few years ago when I graduated high school, she was in a car crash,” I continued, the memories resurfacing.

Ara looked conflicted.  “I’m really sorry, Jin.  Just forget I asked anything-”

I realized that I had scared her away and dug too deep into my past.  I looked up at her.  “No, it’s ok.”  She was confused at my expression, I figured that a little bit of my murderous face had peeked through.  I quickly blinked it away and reached for another piece of meat off the grill to seem nonchalant.  “So what about your parents?”

Ara still seemed a bit confused at me, but still answered.  “Well...I never knew my mother, she died giving birth to me.”

Oh...that’s a shame…

“I grew up with my dad and a bunch of his gang member friends that I called uncles.”

I know.

“But Dad died when I was in my freshman year of college, when your old gang killed him I guess.”

No, when I killed him.

“Well, at least we have something in common.  Both of our parents are no more, and we’ve been alone up until this point.  But at least now we’re alone together.”  I smiled bitterly, but the guilt was eating me alive.  For once, I actually felt bad about killing someone.

“Yeah...I guess so…” she nodded.

Our dinner was painfully silent after that.  I wished that I was able to lighten the mood again, but it felt wrong to do that.  It would be like lying to her that it didn’t bother me.  It did bother me, to say the least.  Because it did way more that just bother me, it clawed at me.  I just couldn’t act happy with that heavy pit in my stomach.

We started walking back to the station with the same stifling silence.  I could tell she felt the heaviness too, because she looked like she was also trying to figure out what to say.

“Jin-”

“Ara.”  I looked her in the eye, smiled, and said, “Seokjin.  My name is Kim Seokjin.”  And I just let her have another piece of the inside me.  Besides the guys, I didn’t tell anyone my real name.  I just wanted this intimacy and comfort level around us a little longer.

After a moment’s hesitation, she said it.  “Seokjin.”  The way my name rolled out of her lips sounded sweet, like a secret between just us.  I wanted her to say it in the most sinful, sweet, happy, and anguished ways all at once.  I just wanted to hear her say it all the time.

“Am I the first girl that you’ve taken out to dinner?” she asked.  There was a glint of sadness in her eyes.

“No, you’re not,” I answered truthfully.  “But you are the first to experience my large appetite,” I joked.

“Why?  You think they’d be scared of the monster in your stomach?” she responded just as lightheartedly, but I could still see the hurt in her eyes.

I still chuckled at it.  “No.  I only showed you because I don’t really need to keep up appearances with you.”

The confused girl that I loved came back.  “What do you mean?”

“Girls that I’ve gone out with think that a pretty model-faced boy with a skinny body doesn’t eat much.  So I play that part for them, to hide my real identity as a former gang member of course.  But you already know, so what’s there to hide of my past from you,” I explained.  I wanted to open myself to her.

“So, does that mean I’m also the first girl that knows your real name?” Ara asked quietly, unsure of herself.

I stopped in my tracks for a moment before turning to look into her eyes.  “Well, yeah.  Besides NamJoon’s sister for obvious reasons.”  She was thinking of something or else she wouldn’t have asked that question.

“And that reason being...?”  She was still averting her gaze from me.

So that’s what she’s getting at, she’s jealous?  I stopped to turn fully to her, boring my serious eyes into her insecure ones.  “Ara, she only knows because her brother and I are friends.  Not because of...whatever else you’re thinking.”  Does she think we had that day?  I suddenly felt self-conscious about it.

She looked like she was struggling to believe me.  My heart sank.  Even after all this, she still hasn’t warmed up to me?  She looked down and just continued walking.  “Have you hooked up with girls besides her?”

“I have.”  I couldn’t deny it when she already thought it.  “But I never got too far with them, physically and emotionally,  I never really cared for a deep, serious relationship.”

She was playing with the hem of her sweater.  She was uncomfortable talking about this.  “It’s just...when I saw the two of you...you just seemed like...like you were just that kind of guy.  The kind of guy that sleeps around with a lot of girls.”

I digested that thought.  If I was in her position, I would’ve thought the same thing.  But that’s not who I wanted to be around her.  Strange how I cared what she thought of me when I normally didn’t care what others thought of me.  “Maybe I am, but not on purpose,” I said softly.  “Actually...I haven’t had......with any girl before.”  This was weird to talk about, I felt myself getting red.  I shoved my hands in my pockets.  But I had to show her my true self for her to trust me.  I craved it for some reason.  “I always tease girls and I hook up with a lot of them, but I’m not that stupid type of guy that can’t control his hormones.  I’ve always said to wait until I meet the right girl.  So the only time I will ever do it is then.  Or when I just can’t control my hormones and I end up doing it.”

“Gee, look who’s trying to hide being a playboy,” Ara teased, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“I mean it though, I really wanted to wait for the right girl to have really...loving with.”  And that was the truth, another piece of me that I’d never even told the boys.  I looked at her then.  “So how many guys have you slept with?”  I wanted to learn about her too, though I’m not sure I’d want to hear that answer.

“Ok let’s just stop with this conversation, I’m getting uncomfortable.”  She was getting red already.  Cute.

“That’s not fair, I shared already.” I smiled and bumped her shoulder.  The awkwardness melted away, and now I wanted to tease some more red blush out of her.  “Come on, how many?  I won’t judge.  No secrets remember?”  I paused.  “You haven’t had yet?  Is that it?  Don’t tell me you’re still a ?”  To , I gave her a once-over.  “Nah, you’re pulling my leg, you probably have had with at least one guy before.  With a figure like that I’m sure there were at least some guys that wanted you.”  But that was a bad move I made.  I was starting to let my mind wander at that statement.

She didn’t notice.  “You think I have a nice figure?”

Hell yes, from what I remember from that night.  I turned to look at her.  “Like a model’s body,” I said softly.  I imagined the most dangerous things in my mind in those few seconds we stared at each other.  Me stealing too many touches from her body…  Pull your mind out of that gutter, Seokjin!  I looked away and laughed.  “But I wouldn’t be shallow enough to only care about you figure.  Besides, your personality is such a turn off.”  A diversion.

I heard her scoff.  “What do you mean by that, Mr. I’m-So-Scary-I-Might-As-Well-Be-Bipolar?”

Excuse you, sassy lady.  “You’re so careless,” I snorted.  “What kind of girl would trust any guy that she just met on the dance floor at a club?  And then goes back home where a gang might be waiting to abduct her again?  Don’t you have any sense of danger?  I wouldn’t want to have to look after a girl like that 24/7 without thinking she was gonna escape me and then get captured, I can’t live with that stress.”  But if it was you, I don’t think I would mind.

She scoffed again.  “Well, excuse me.  If that’s what we’re going by, I shouldn’t even be here with you.  You’re an ex-member of the gang that tried to kill me, yet you took me in and sheltered me.  How am I supposed to trust you when for all I know you’re just waiting to stab me in the back?”

My breath hitched.  So she’s been suspecting it…  And I would have carried out that plan too, if I hadn’t developed this softness for her.  “You’re right, you shouldn’t trust me.”

She turned to face me incredulously.  I kept facing forward, but I couldn’t miss the shock on her face.  But what scared me was the growing fear that was starting to take hold on her.  She was lost in thought, putting the dangerous pieces together.

No, please don’t, I found myself thinking.

She turned forward again.  “Then what am I doing here?” she whispered out loud.

I turned my head quickly in her direction.  I wanted to tell her, No, my heart changed.  Don’t think that of me anymore.  But she took off and I couldn’t get the words out.  I ran after her as if it was a reflex.  I’ve had to do this many times to chase people down, but this time I wasn’t hunting someone that I needed to kill.  I needed to hunt down someone that I needed to stay with me.  I was screaming her name to slow down.  My heart was pumping cold blood in my ears as I ran.  I couldn’t lose her, I didn’t want to.

And it was then that I realized that I loved her.  Running after her like my life depended on it.  And maybe it did.

If I let her go now, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.  If I felt guilty about killing her dad now, the pain I would feel of letting her go now would hit me a hundred times worse.  It gave me the strength to run into her and tackle her into the ground in that park.  Even as I pinned her arms above her head and sat on her to keep her from kicking, she kept screaming and crying like I was going to kill her.

And I would have, if I was the old me.  But I’m not him anymore.

She finally stopped screaming to catch her breath.  But shortly after, she started crying.  “Just kill me already!”  She was practically begging.  “Why did you waste so much time on me before?  I trusted you so much already, you could’ve finished me so easily!”

It broke my heart to hear her say such things, and made me hate myself.  That was who I was, a killer.  “Ara, stop.  Open your eyes.”

She drew in a few breaths before obeying.  It was then when she opened her teary eyes that I realized how close I was to her.  “Ara.”  I could feel her shiver when I said her name softly again.  “If I really wanted to kill you, I would have taken you out already in your sleep.  I would’ve even finished you off yesterday when I was furious at you!  But I didn’t.”  But I almost did.  “I only said you shouldn’t trust me because it was true, for any other circumstance like this.  But this is different.  I want you to trust me, put your faith in me, so I can keep you safe.”  She was still scared, I could see it.  All her trust in me crumbled down in these last few moments.  “And if I wanted to kill you now, I would do it too.  I already outran you and have you pinned under me, who can stop me from taking a knife and slitting your throat?”  I had to try and convince her that I really cared about her.

Ara flinched, but I felt her loosen under me.  I watched her lips as they drew out a relieved breath.  She wouldn’t look at me, but I still watched as her lips moved, not really listening to her words.

And that’s when I kissed her for the first time.  I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted her to know that she was safe with me.  I felt her tense again in surprise, but I didn’t care.  I reached up to cup her face.  I wanted to feel her, I wanted her to know how I felt about her.  I came off rough on her lips, but I was as desperate as my kisses were.

But I needed control right now.  I sat up and coughed awkwardly.  “Sorry, I couldn’t control it,” I apologized.

Out of her daze, she choked out an “it’s ok.”  After helping her up with assurance that she was staying, we went back home.  This was a different kind of awkwardness than before, stifling in its own way.  When we got home, she took off back to her room.  I felt embarrassed.  Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.  I felt like kicking myself.

I washed up and got ready for bed, but I couldn’t sleep.  I laid wide awake, thinking of the kiss.  I kept smiling stupidly.  Whenever I closed my eyes, I could feel her soft lips again.  I wanted to feel them again, I needed to indulge in her again.  I remembered last night when I came into her room while she was sleeping.  She didn’t say anything about it, did she think she was dreaming?  At the thought of that, an idea popped into my head.

I waited until it was late before I crept back into her room, closing the door behind me.  Tonight, probably because of my boyish want, she looked vulnerable.  I crawled on top of her, trapping her arms under the covers.  Her face scrunched up as she stirred awake.  I smirked down at her.  I traced my thumb on her soft, tantalizing bottom lip, and her eyes fluttered open.  I felt her shiver.  I was waiting for it.

Say it.

“Seokjin…”

I smiled at the sound that left her lips.  I lifted her chin and pressed my mouth to hers, feeling the lips that already felt familiar in my mind.  After a few kisses, I pulled back.  Just a goodnight kiss.  Her eyes started drooping again.  I placed a kiss on her forehead softly to send her off into another dream.  When I heard her breathing deepen again, I quietly crept back out and back to my own room.  A satisfied smile graced my features as I slipped off into my own sleep.

 

I woke up a little later than usual, but I still wanted to see Ara off to work this morning.  One look at the clock told me that she was just about to leave.  I quickly threw on a white shirt that was at the foot of my bed and walked towards the front room.  I found her pulling her shoes out of the closet, looking like she was in a hurry.  She glanced at me quickly before staring a little longer.  Probably at the nest on my head.

She tore her gaze away.  “I’m leaving to go to work, I’m running late,” she said quickly.

That’s weird, because she’s not late.

I didn’t think much of it, maybe she needed to go early or something.  “You want me to fix you something?” I asked, realizing that my voice was still scratchy.

I could see her slow down for a hot second while she was putting on her shoes.  Then she snapped back to her senses.  “No I’m good, bye!”

Before I could get another word in, she flew out the door and slammed it behind her.

Strange, I thought to myself.  She’s acting weird today.  I went to the kitchen to fix myself some eggs for breakfast.  As I sat down, I thought this over.  “Is she embarrassed about the kiss yesterday?” I wondered out loud with food in my mouth.  I stopped mid-chew.  “But which one?”  I started getting a little nervous.  “Was it the one I did while she slept?  No that can’t be it, she didn’t really react to it.  If she knew it was real, she would’ve acted a bit more flustered and clumsy.”  I knew her enough to know a little bit of her mind.

Then I reached the conclusion.

“She’s hiding something from me.”

 

I didn’t want to intrude on her privacy.  I tried busying myself with other things around the house so I wouldn’t have to go into her room and investigate.  Unfortunately, my curiosity got the best of me.  And I ran out of areas in the house to clean besides her room.  It was almost the end of the day and Ara would be back in a little more than an hour.  It wouldn’t hurt to just look around her room a little.

Before I could argue with myself otherwise, I zoomed to the guest room she was occupying and opened the door.  A quick look around made me know that something was different.  It was too clean in here.  There were no clothes on the floor, less products on the dresser, and the closet looked a little less messy.  While poking around that closet, I found her duffle bag.  It looked like it had a little something inside it.  I pulled it out to get a better look and saw that there were clothes in it.

“She’s leaving?  And she didn’t tell me?”  I sat back on the edge of the bed, feeling my heart clench.  She was planning on leaving tonight without me knowing.  I thought that after what happened yesterday, we were okay.  It was like a punch in my chest.

But how could things be okay between us?  I was part of a gang that wanted to kill her.  The rest of the members want her dead.  If they found out that I let her go, I won’t see daylight the next morning.  But then again, I couldn’t keep her here, it would be even worse.  They would kill her in front of me and then kill me right after that.  Or even worse, they’d let me live.

Maybe it was better for her to leave inconspicuously.  I could fake it that she was dead and she could live her life until the unlikely event arises that one of the boys finds her out in the streets and then we’ll both die.  At least it would prolong our lives.

I heard the front door open and shouts of “Hyung!” filling the house.  Speak of the devils.  Sometimes I wondered if it was really a good idea to give them a spare key to my house for them to show up whenever they wanted.  I shoved the duffle back into the corner of the closet where I’d found it and met them in the living room, sitting comfortably.

“Sup hyung,” Jimin greeted me first.  The rest mumbled out their greetings.

I sat down on one of the unoccupied couches.  “What are you guys doing here?”  I was a little annoyed that they had come unannounced.  Usually they would call at least 5 minutes ahead so I knew they were coming.

“We came to check how you were doing,” Taehyung answered.  “How’s the girl doing?  She dead yet?”

I felt a shiver down my spine.  I found it hard to believe that only 3 days ago I was so keen on killing her and now I shrivel at the sound of her associated with death.  “No, she’s still alive,” I answered, trying to be nonchalant, but I knew what was coming next,

The room got quiet and still.  I could feel each of their stares on me, but I refused to look up and chose to focus on the carpet pattern on the floor.

“Why is she still alive?” NamJoon spoke first in a deathly calm tone.

“I haven’t gotten the opportunity yet-”

“BULL!” Yoongi screamed, so sudden that we all jumped a little in our seats.  “You don’t need a special opportunity, you’re in a ing house alone with her!  What more do you need?  You’re purposely pushing it off!”

I tried protesting, “No, I’m not-”

“Hyung, do you like this girl?” Hoseok piped up.

“Maybe,” NamJoon nodded in agreement.  “It’s a strong possibility.  I mean, this isn’t like you.  Look at what’s happening to you hyung, you’ve gone soft!”

“Aigoo, a girl hasn’t done anything like this to you before,” Jimin chuckled.

“This is why we said to stay away from them,” Hoseok added.

I was starting to get mad at the things they were saying about me, true or not.  “Nothing’s wrong with me,” I said firmly, keeping my tone even.

“You’ve deviated so much from the original plan, starting with a few nights ago,” NamJoon said pointedly.  “And there was no valid reason for it.”

“ENOUGH!” I bursted and jumped to my feet.  They all stared at me, shocked and fearful.  I had never raised my voice to them, but I was furious now.  “None of you have any say in this!  It’s my plan and you just have to go along with it!” I was pointing fingers at each of their faces.  “I don’t want any of you interfering any longer!  I’m the oldest one here, have you forgotten your place?!  All this interrogating and pushing me is going to stop NOW!”

I could tell they were all a little hurt by my sudden outburst.  I never used my status as the eldest as leverage before, so it made sense that they were offended.  I sighed.  “Just trust me on this.  I know what I’m doing.  When the time comes, it’ll happen effortlessly, not with all this pressure you’re suffocating me with.”

They were silent for a while, chewing on those words.

Jungkook was the first to stand.  “Alright hyung.  I don’t know about the rest of them, but I’ll leave you alone.”  He turned to Yoongi and NamJoon on the one couch.  “I’m leaving first,” he announced before walking out.

The next ones to leave were Taehyung and Jimin together.  Hoseok left with a stern look towards the remaining two.  NamJoon and Yoongi left without any words, but I could tell that they knew something was up and chose not to say anything right now.

When they were all gone, I collapsed back onto the couch like a weight had been lifted.  I looked at the clock and realized that Ara was probably home already.  She would be doing her last minute packing and would leave if I didn’t stop her.  I stepped into the dark corridor next to her room and waited.  I heard the door creak open and saw the outline of her head poke out.  She was so trained on the front door to leave that she didn’t even check to see if I was on the other side watching her.  If I hadn’t been mad at her for leaving, I would have laughed at her cluelessness.  But I was torn apart because she wanted to leave.

Ara slipped slowly out of the room.  When she was out fully, I  switched on the lights and closed my eyes.  "Where are you going?"

After a few heartbeats, I heard the slight shuffling of her turning to me.  “I-I’m going home-”

“Why?” I immediately asked her.  Even in the dark under my eyelids, I couldn’t understand.  I thought things were clear between us, even though I knew that it probably couldn’t last for too long.  But I had made up my mind and decided that I would lie to the team for our sake, if she would even let there be an ‘us’.

"I-I don't want to be a bother to you anymore, I think I've stayed here long enough-"

She didn’t get to finish, I shot her a look.  She’s lying, it’s because she still doesn’t trust me and she’s afraid of me, I thought angrily.  I pushed off the wall and started walking towards her, Ara backed away from me to the wall.  "I'm the one that decides if you've stayed long enough."  I placed an arm up next to her head.  "And I don't think that time has come yet."  I was hoping that I was instilling enough into her that she shouldn’t leave.

Her eyes were darting all over the place and a light pink blush crept up her face.  I want your innocence, I found myself thinking again.  "Jin, I really don't want to bother you anymore.”

I glared at her.  She really didn’t get it, did she?  "You aren't a bother to me at all.  It's the opposite, actually."  I softened my expression at her, realizing how close she was to me.  "I need you to stay with me."

hung slightly agape.  What a child I’ve fallen for.  I cupped both sides of her face as gently as I could and brought my lips down to meet her’s.  I tried to convey in my soft kiss, Please stay with me, I’ll make this work.  When I thought she wouldn’t respond, I heard her bag drop in the middle of the floor and felt her arms twisting around my neck.  My heart soared, taking that as acceptance from her to finally stay.

There was a lot of unspoken tension between us from the last few weeks, and I just had to fill it now.  I opened wider, nibbling and her lip.  When she consented to let me in, I felt a little higher, nearing a frenzy of emotions buzzing inside my head.  I wanted her there and then; I needed to prove this attraction.  Pushing Ara against the wall, I gained a soft moan from her, which only fed my need for her further.  I hoisted her up, wrapping her legs around me, while she was distracted.  I brushed my lips down to her neck, needing to hear more moans and sounds from her innocent soul.  I smirked when I found her sensitive spot on her neck, drawing out more whimpers on her part.  I made sure to leave a mark on her, feeling encouraged by her fingers threading into my hair.

I kept making my way lower, trying to ravish what I could without stripping too much off her yet.  I was already below her collarbone.  If I pull her top any lower, I might as well just take it off.  Her body suddenly arched into me, and I stopped to stare at her y bedroom eyes.  My boyish nature took these signs as a green light.  I really love you, Ara, every side of you.  Childish and y alike.

I kissed her roughy once more as I towed her down the hall to my bedroom.  The tugging she did on my hair only made my lust grow.  I threw her down onto my bed and crawled between her legs, continuing to attack her neck while being coaxed by her tugging.  She wanted this now too, and I would be glad to give it to her.

I made love to her that night, filling the bedroom with heavy, wanton breaths, moans, and heat.  I just wanted a night where we could escape our two fates, where she wouldn’t be scared that I would kill her and I wouldn’t have to feel like a traitor to my gang for wanting to keep her.  I was whispering and growling sweet nothings into her ears and against her skin.  It was satisfying to hear her cries of my name, and moans of pleas.  I just wanted right now, this moment.  I needed her to know I wanted her, that I’ll protect her.

That I really loved her.

But yet, as I finished and was starting to fall into my slumber on top of her, I heard her.  “You just took my ity.”  I’ll tease you about your body, but I know you’re too good to have with any guy.  I felt her shuffle.  I kept my eyes closed and pretended to sleep, just to hear what she had to say.  I felt her place a gentle kiss on my lips, and I had a hard time fighting the urge to open my eyes and attack her again.  It didn’t help that she brushed my hair away from my face and hugged me closer.  I was hungry for more of her touch, her scent.  “Sweet dreams Seokjin,” I heard her voice echo in my ear.  I almost shivered.

And then she said it.

“I love you.”

My blood went cold.

What have I done?

 

The next morning, I woke up earlier than Ara.  She had turned towards me in her sleep.  It made my heart ache seeing her calm face in the early morning light.  I slowly got up out of the bed and got dressed, not looking back at her sleeping figure.  I needed a minute away, I needed to think this over.  I padded into my office and leaned against the desk, my hair in my hands.

“What have I done?” I thought out loud.  “I wanted this, didn’t I?  I wanted her to be with me, and not having to fight for her to love me makes this easier, right?”  But nothing felt right about this situation.  Nothing.  I wanted her by my side forever, didn’t I?  But exactly how long would that “forever” last?  It scared me that I didn’t know.

I turned and rifled through the papers on my desk, pulling out the last picture of Ara, the one from the day before this whole mess started.  How long would it take for the guys to figure out that she’s not dead?  The same way Yoongi was able to find her randomly just from coincidence he can find her again, maybe too easily.  And then he’ll show up on my doorstep one random, unsuspecting day with her bonded at her hands and gagged, tears streaming down her scared face.  He’ll throw her into the house, yell a few harsh words at me, then throw a gun at me and tell me, “Finish the job now.”  I would hesitate, maybe protest weakly with an excuse I thought of in the moment.  He would take out his own gun and hold it up to my head.  I would have to choose between having her blood on my hands, or letting Ara live with the scene of me dying eternally etched into her memory.  Knowing that I couldn’t do that to her and bring that terrible trauma on her, I would shoot her without looking to save me more pain of seeing her blood pour out.  After that, I would convince myself that I have a lot of people’s blood on my hands, and that someone whom I had feelings for would just take a little more guilt to get over it.

More scenarios popped into my mind.  What if we were married by that time?  What if we had kids when that would happen?  What would I do then?  I’d be forced to kill them too.

I shuddered at my prophecy.  That can’t happen.  I put the picture back onto the desk and grabbed a pen and my journal.  As I wrote on the next blank page, I wiped the tears that started to trail down my face.  I knew what I had to do.  I ripped the paper clean out of the book and shoved it in my pocket.  If I needed to protect her from those damn gangsters I called my friends at any cost, then so be it.

So when I heard her footsteps coming from down the hall, I hid in plain sight next to the door.  Ara almost caught me when she was going to turn around, but she saw her photo on my desk.  I kept my breathing as still and quiet as I could so she wouldn’t hear me.  But even if I did let out any audible noise, she wouldn’t have heard it because she was too distracted with all the evidence on my desk.  In a way, it was good that she found out my original plan so maybe this would hurt a little less for her, she could be angry at me and want to leave me, and I wouldn’t need to feel the mutuality of our feelings anymore.

When I was sure she had seen enough and started breaking down when she read my journal, I revealed myself.  I came clean about every detail of what would have been the plan.  All I wished for in that moment was for me to seem convincing enough to her that I abhorred her and wanted her dead.  Because it was so terribly heartbreaking to see Ara look betrayed in front of me.  She looked ten times worse than two nights ago when we kissed for the first time and she realized how dangerous it was being around me.  It was hard, so hard.  And when I finally pulled out the gun that I had grabbed from the nearest closet and pointed it at her, I thought I would lose it.  But I had to persuade myself that it was for a greater good to keep my act up, that it would be better doing it now rather than later when I have more on the line to lose.

If Ara was physically vulnerable last night, she was visibly vulnerable in front of me now.  I could see every thought pulsing through her head in that moment as she eyed the gun and cried.  She finally choked out, “Why?  You not only made me trust me as a friend, but you made me trust you as a lover too.”

I could only be thankful that she wasn’t looking at me while she said it.  “I had to get you to believe in me.”  Just like now.

I could see the hopelessness more prominently in her expression now.  “So everything you told me...was a lie?  Every gesture, every smile, every word you ever told me...was a lie?”

Down to every last moment you live, love.  I nodded as I looked at her, afraid that if I spoke my voice would crack.  I’m sorry.

She sobbed again and looked into my eyes, searching for something she could appeal to.  But I kept a poker face for her own good.  I thought I would break down any second now.  Please let this be over soon, I can’t hold on anymore.

She let out one more sob from her chest and asked the hardest question of my life.  “Did you ever, even for a moment, love me?”

Yes, love.

“No.”

BANG!

Even now I do.

 

Months have passed since that messed up day, and here is my pitiful self now.  I never forgave myself for pulling that trigger.  I still have nightmares of her dead body, me touching it, and never being able to remove the blood from my hands no matter how many times I scrubbed them.

I still remember that morning.  I cleaned up the mess and unceremoniously buried her body in my backyard.  After the deed was done, I called the guys and told them it was done.  They threw a huge celebration that night.  I went just to keep up appearances that I was just as happy as they were.  But my mind was elsewhere.  I was thinking of my future kids that we would have had, our secret marriage, our wedding night.  I couldn’t forgive anything I did.  Now it seems as though it was more painful knowing what could have been and not letting it happen, than it would have been to just let everything happen in the uncertain future.

I’ve been keeping under the radar from the group after that, only showing my face to them when it was necessary.  I had an undying hatred for my gang members.  If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be haunted by my nightmares and losing sleep over my guilt.

I never had guests over anymore.  I keep that guest room where she had stayed locked, just so I could preserve what little I had left of her.  I only opened it on monthly anniversaries of her death.  I would go in there at night, eat my dinner, snuggle up in the bed with her scent enveloping me, and sleep for the night.  It was only for those nights that I would sleep well and dream about our last night together.

Today was the 100th day after she died.  I sat in the backyard in the light rain next to the patch of interrupted grass where I buried her body.  I took out two items from my pocket: a lighter and the note I had saved for this occasion.  It was the journal page that I had written on that day and ripped out.  I kneeled down and unfolded the ball of paper, smoothing out all the wrinkles.  Written across the page was my black ink script.

I have loved, and will never stop loving, you, Kim Ara.

I took the lighter and flicked it on.  I felt a presence next to me in all black.

“Hyung.”

Startled at the noise, I turned my head.  It seemed that I had a visitor.  Jungkook kneeled down next to me and stared ahead.  “Go on, pretend I’m not here.”

I blinked once, almost sure that I couldn’t do that.  But I turned ahead and blocked him out.  I held the paper over the flame and let them join.  When more than half the paper was consumed by the fire, I held back the lighter, flicked it off, and let go of the burning paper.  It burned into ash on top of the grave, mixing with the soil.

When it was finished burning, I looked ahead.  “Ara…  I’m sorry I did this to you.  You really didn’t deserve it.  Yes, I betrayed you by-” I choked on the word.  “-killing you.”  I let out a shaky breath that rattled my insides.  “But what’s worse is that I lied to you.  Remember the last thing you asked me?  If I had loved you for even moment?  I said no, but that couldn’t be any further from the truth.  Ara, it wasn’t just a moment that I loved you.  I loved you, I’m pretty sure, since the day I brought you home with me.  You were my innocent roommate, someone with big eyes like a child’s that captured my heart so easily.  I’ll admit that everything I told you that day was my original plan.  But I grew to love you the longer you stayed with me.  I took so long to execute you, I even yelled at the guys so I could get more time with you.”  I chuckled darkly.

“I had planned to hide you with me and properly love you.  I would tell the guys that I already killed you and buried the evidence so they would be off my back.  But that morning after, I realized the danger that put us in.  What if the guys found you still alive?  I would have been forced to shoot you then while Yoongi holds me at gunpoint.”  My voice cracked at the end as I conjured up the horrifying images I saw that day in the back of my mind.  “I thought to myself, ‘What would happen to us?  My future wife?  My kids that I would have to kill as well?’  I thought that would be much more painful because I would be in too deep and love you and our children too much.”

I took in a shaky breath.  “But I was wrong Ara, I was wrong.  It hurts even more that I never got what could have been.  I would’ve been happier with those moments, so that when Yoongi eventually did show up, I wouldn’t have as many regrets as I would now.  And then I would kill myself then after living a happy life.  So I’ll do it now and get it over with.”  I pulled out a gun from under my shirt and pointed it at my head.

“No, hyung!”

I almost forgot Jungkook was next to me.  He snatched the gun away from me and threw it across the yard.  “Are you crazy?!” he asked me, shaking my shoulders.

I calmly pulled his hands off my arms.  “What are you doing here Kookie?” I asked, not being hostile.

He softened at my blankness.  “I’ve been counting 100 days since you gave us the news.  I wanted to come support you.”

My eyebrows flew upward.  “How did you know?”

Jungkook smiled his knowing smile.  “I know you, hyung.  You never took more than a week on a target.  So when you took 2 weeks, I knew something was holding you back.  And seeing how you stood up to NamJoon hyung and Yoongi hyung, I knew she was something special.  Why do you think I was on your side when I left?”

I nodded, remembering what he did for me.

“And I understand why you never said anything to the rest,” he went on.  “But I was always curious why you did it.  I didn’t really come looking for an answer, but it was nice to know.”  His face hardened.  “Hyung, you’re not ending your life now.  I’m not going to tell you to move on to another girl, because I know you won’t want to.  But at least live your life as happy as you could without her.  Now that she knows what really happened, you shouldn’t feel guilty, I’m sure she’ll understand and  forgive you now.  And she’ll want you to be happy now.  Moping around about what could have been won’t bring her back or solve anything.  Don’t throw your life away.  Your heart will get better with time, no matter how long it takes.  And you know what?”  He tilted his head and cracked a smile.  “I’m always here for you to share those happy moments with.  And I’ll have to come check on you, since I can’t trust you with weapons anymore.”

I chuckled halfheartedly.  “Says the boy that’s 5 years younger than me.  You’re not even old enough to hold a gun!”  Before I could give him a noogie, he enveloped me in a tight hug.  Softened by his action, I reciprocated it.  “Thank you, Kookie.”  I started crying into his embrace.  I hadn’t cried after the incident happened.  It felt good to just let out everything.  All my grief and guilt and regret, all onto this poor young soul that had nothing to do with it, but was willing to help patch me up.  I was so thankful for him catching onto my trick and showing up here to support me.

He patted my back and didn’t say anything.  We stayed there for a moment before Jungkook spoke up.  “Hey Ara noona.”  I choked on a laugh through my sobs.  “I know you’re out there still.  I just wanna say thanks for making hyung happy for even a few moments.  And for giving him something to stick up for in front of our stupid leaders.”  I almost smacked his head for that, but it was true.  “Also, please give him some happy dreams if you can.  I’ll watch over him here for you as long as you keep him happy in his sleep.”

I teared up again at his words, but this time they were grateful tears for him.  I pulled away from him and wiped my face.  “Let’s go out to eat.  We’ll go to the place where Ara’s and my first night out was.”

“And you’re gonna order a hall of a lot of food again, right?”

I laughed.  “Of course.”

“Count me in!”  He smacked my back excitedly.  “Let’s go before they get busy!”

He pulled me up and out the door, grabbing my keys for me.  I could already see his mouth watering.  I chuckled.  I see so much of you and your childishness in him, love.  I’ll hold onto this little one for your sake, Ara.  I love you.

 

---

 

A/N: It's really funny bc while I was reading the last part to edit this, I was listening to a piano covers playlist I made, and the piano cover of I Need U started playing.  But anyway I'm gettiing off topic.

I hope I left you guys with a happy/satisfying enough ending.  I know a lot of you were really devestated by how the main story ended.  I had been planning on writing a prologue since before I published all of this bc I was expecting that there would need to be explanation on Jin's part, so I hope that this sufficed.  If you guys have any other questions regarding the story and Jin's thought process, just write them down below and maybe I'll add a bonus chapter of some sort.

But wait, before I go any further, we need to talk about the prologue thing that Bangtan released on the V app today.  That thing just gave me so many heartaches because I was expecting things to go well and then all of a sudden at the end we see that Jin....I'm not gonna spoil for those of you that haven't seen it yet, but let's just say that all the predictions from the I Need U MV were right.  Like literally I was at the hair salon getting my highlights done (the color of Jiin's hair during Just One Day era, such a beautiful color...) and I get the notification that something was uploaded and I seriously almost cried in the middle of the salon.  But also be happy bc we're fianlly getting the 2nd part of the album next month~  I swear that if Cypher pt. 4 is not on that album I'm gonna shoot someone  But enough of all this irrelevant talk.

I would like to take the time out to write my long list of Thank You's: First of all, thank you to all of my subscribers that stayed to the end of this story.  I feel like some people unsubbed after the mess of an ending, and I know 21 might not seem like a big deal to most people, but it's a pretty big deal to me, so thank you so much.  Thank you to the 4 upvoters for spending your karma on such a small story like mine.  Thank you to the graphic artist for the poster and bg (credit in the foreword).  Very special thanks to everyone that commented.  I really do live for these comments from you guys.

Special notes to some commentors:

-ashkhen and Not_Jamless: The two of you honestly hold a special place in my heart bc both of you always commented for every update.  It's good to know that no matter when I update I won't have to worry about not getting any comments when there's the two of you.  Ashkhen, I really love your predictions and your way of thinking in the comments, I always look forward to them.  Not_Jamless, honestly you crack me up sometimes, especially after the chapter where you said "WHOOP THERE IT IS".  If you guys were sisters, you would be the comic relief younger sister and ashkhen would be the mature older sibling.  Btw where are you guys from?

-FloqKpop: Remember when I told you to hold that thought during chapter 4?  Yup, they came true girl :3  I'm surprised that you caught on to that bc it was my original intention since those scenes would be in the epilogue.  Stay sharp girl!

-LynXMagiX: Thank the stars you understand my angsty heart and love for non happy endings XD I was starting to think that I did a bad thing ending the story like I did bc I thought no one liked it and then you came along, so thank you for saving me from my very judgmental writer's mind.  I never actually did this sort of thing, I came close when I published another Jin fic a while ago and I had a sad ending in mind but I thought no one would like it so I published three dfferent endings so people could choose which they preferred, but I never just straight up put out a sad ending like "This is the one and only ending, that's how it stays."  So thank you again :)

Okay guys.  And this my dear readers concludes this 76 page fanfic.  I have no idea what I plan on working on next so just keep an eye out, I'll probably put it in another update here.  If you have any questions to me or regarding the feelings of any other character or why they did something o thought a certain way, just put it down here and if I get enough questions I'll post another chapter with a really fun Q&A to answer them.  I really do love this fic, and that's hard for me to say because I had nearly everything I ever write, but I can't say anything about this fic.  So thank you for taking this journey with me and reading this fic.  I love you all very much, and I know this whole sappy final author's note is really big but I always have a lot to say at the close of a fic.

Also I'm starting school in 2 days.  Oh joy.  Junior year too. Double joy. /clocks a gun to my head/ I'm kidding.  But still wish me luck!

Love you guys! See you next story~!