You know how I know for certain that I am a Gyustan, and that no matter how many new (hot, funny, talented…did I mention hot?) idols debut, I cannot work myself free of the salamander general’s grasp?

Well, you see, no matter who the newest, funniest, or most talented idol is, this kid’s got a hold on me. Doesn’t matter even if it’s his own group members; with great pardon to all their fans, despite the fierce manly charms of Infinite H:

(Yay for their upcoming comeback, by the way! The whole new album sounds like it’s going to be a jamfest!)

Or the precious preciousness of Infinite F:

Or the greasiness-that-is-love in the Infinite half of Toheart:

I can’t help but always be reminded that they are presided over by this exemplar of sheesh-this-heat-level-must-be-illegal-on-at-least-six-continents cutie commander:

But seriously, folks, I feel it would be an insane, illogical, and plain inhuman plane of reality we exist on if this smokin’ hunk of hamster meat old virile(ish) man is somehow walking around unattached. I mean, really?

REALLY, NOW?!?

Yeah, okay, I know there’s no real “official” dating rumors of Gyu with anyone (you know, when people know they’re dating, but are keeping it on the down low for reasons?), but COME ON.

TELL ME

HOW THIS

IS NOT

LOCKED

THE FRICK

DOWN?!?

It has to be. It just has to be. I refuse to believe that with the gaggle of idols, stylists, managers, PDs, assistants, reporters, delivery people, fans, lightsticks, cheering towels, etc. swarming around the Gyu nearly every day that not a single entity has managed to secure some of that fine, fine b…uh, boyish charm.

I may be psyched for Gyu’s imminent solo album (SUPER-PSYCHED! LIKE OMGYU, AS PSYCHED AS A CHOCOHOLIC FALLING INTO A VAT OF CHOCOLATE OH WAIT THAT SOUNDS KINDA DANGEROUS AN ELEPHANT ON A SUGARCANE PLANTATION. BELIEVE ME, THEY LOVES THE SUGARCANE), but that in no way means I would happy if he were sadly flying solo.

Nothing would make this ynoona quite as elated as the news that the Gyu is getting some. And by “some”, I don’t mean that 2014 mega-hit (although, you know, that’d be cool, too, as has already been proven). No, I mean some as in some loving. Real, true, physical and spiritual loving. This child deserves it!

(And if he can’t find anyone willing to give it to him, well, then, I guuuuueeeessssssss, I could just maybe, possibly, ever-so-reluctantly…offer myself as an option.)

(Just throwing that out there…)

This post approved by Kim “Solo singer, not solo lover, please!” Sunggyu.

P.S. How excited are y’all about Infinite H and the Japan tour? I’m just going to go ahead and assume you’re all as excited about Gyu’s solo as I am. Any chance he can wear one of those suits he’s groping caressing touching what the hey all these words sound dirty! selecting in the tour teaser?

*Picture and video credits to their owners